Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble
by Uncle Fester
It was a dark and stormy night. Well, it really wasn't
all that dark (being around dinner time and all) and it
wasn't storming, not even cloudy. It's just that I always
wanted to open a story with: It was a dark and stormy
night'. Ahem, on with the story.
Shampoo slumped over the counter, her cheek resting on
her fist, her fingers drumming the counter softly.
The evening wasn't kind to her diner. There had been
few customers and no delivery orders. Even now, the diner
was empty. Mousse was dozing in a chair while Shampoo
watched lazily as couples passed their door without
stopping. With grandmother away searching for rare herbs,
Shampoo was left in charge. Ordinarily, she would have
enjoyed the responsibility, but tonight her mind was on
other matters.
"Grandmother think Shampoo fail to get husband Ranma,"
she pouted, leaning on her recently cleaned counter. "She
think Shampoo not good at magic. I show her." Her lips
curled into smile as she pulled from her apron pocket a
small black book. "I use strong magic of book to bring
husband to Shampoo." She giggled, clutching the small book
to her chest.
She had found the book in her grandmother's room while
looking for something else. Thumbing through the pages, it
became apparent the she was holding a book of her
grandmother's most powerful potions and spells. She
marveled at the pages as each potion was elaborately
described and illustrated. Each was colorfully displayed in
a picture of a beautiful glass, looking cool and tempting.
Directing Mousse to close the empty diner early,
Shampoo retired to the small experimental kitchen off to the
side of the main restaurant. Mousse, however, felt the need
to, once again, address the matter of his love for Shampoo.
"Perhaps now would be a good time to discuss..." His
voice was cut off by Shampoo's fist as she punched him hard
enough to bounce off the wall, leaving him seated on the
floor holding his nose. Shampoo continued walking as if
nothing happened.
"Nerhaps a nudder timbe."
"Stupid Mousse," Shampoo muttered. "Shampoo have more
important things to do, like use grandmother's book of
spells to bring husband." She smiled again as she entered
the small kitchen. "Stupid violent Akane girl keep husband
away. Shampoo fix her."
Closing the door to the rest of the diner, the Chinese
girl began setting up her Frankenstein' laboratory.
"Let's see," she checked the items she had available.
"Mixing bowls, spoons, mortar, pestle, blender, microwave,
cuisenart. Everything here." She nodded approval. "Now
for book."
As she opened the ancient book, its hinges seemed to
creak and little wisps of dust raised a small cloud around
the book and girl.
"What language this?" Shampoo pondered out loud. "It
not Chinese or Japanese." She rubbed the book's cover
enough to reveal it's title. In English letters, it spelled
out Bartender's Guide of 1945'. Shrugging her shoulders,
she mumbled: "Oh well, if grandmother keep hidden from
Shampoo, must be powerful. I just guess at words. Not
hard."
Shampoo set about worrying a formula from the mixed
drink guide she was holding. Satisfied she had all the
ingredients necessary for the first potion, Shampoo stepped
back slightly and waited. Moments passed and nothing
happened.
"Stupid book." she pouted. "Potion needs grandmother's
special herbs to work."
Shampoo found the jar that contained her grandmother's
carefully hoarded cache of special spices and herbs from
China that she used whenever she cast her spells or mixed a
powerful potion. There weren't many left. Figuring that
only a pinch was necessary, Shampoo carefully reached over
the bowl containing the potion and dropped the herbs in.
She was rewarded with a blinding flash of light followed by
small mushroom shaped cloud that hovered ominously over the
bowl before dissipating with a sickly sweet smell.
When the smoke cleared, Shampoo looked around carefully
but found no Ranma. With set jaw, she crept to the door and
looked into the diner. All she saw was Mousse sweeping the
floor and muttering about how he would get even with Ranma
for stealing his girl.
"Stupid book." Shampoo muttered again as she returned
to her laboratory'. "Good thing book have many spells.
This one not work."
Across town, at the Tendo residence, Akane Tendo had
cornered Ranma in her bedroom and was privately berating him
about his recent actions. As usual, she was worked up in a
lather. Also, as usual, Ranma was acting bored with the
whole affair.
"Wish I was at the movies," he muttered. In a blinding
special effect that ILM would have been proud of, he
disappeared.
Akane was startled when Ranma's body flared into
incandescence and disappeared. In his place sat a middle
aged, overweight Caucasian man in a white sequinned jump-suit, with a long white scarf around his neck, long side
burns, a pompadour hairdo and dark glasses. He seemed
unconcerned at his sudden presence in the bedroom of a
teenaged Japanese girl.
"Who...?" Akane started, her eyes bigger and rounder
than even Kitty films would consider drawing.
"Hey, little momma," the white-suited character began
with a Memphis accent. "Now don't be cruel, uh-huh. I'm
the king. The man from Memphis."
Akane's face suddenly took on a harder expression as
she scowled at the intruder.
"Where's Ranma?" she demanded, hands on hips, leaning
forward, and glaring at her guest'.
"Never heard of him, little momma," he cooed. "Perhaps
you need a special song to help you relax." With that, he
starting singing Heartbreak Hotel' but was quickly
interrupted by someone banging on the wall next door.
"Akane, turn down that stupid radio," came Nabiki's
voice through the wall. "And stop with the lame Elvis'
impersonations. You don't sound anything like him."
Akane slapped her forehead and thought: <I just *know*
that witch Cologne is behind all this. I'll bet she has
Ranma right now.>
"Come on, we're leaving." She grabbed the singer's
hand and drug him out the door and down the steps. They
easily escaped the residence without being seen. However,
the sight of a slightly built teenaged girl dragging a 50's
singing idol through the evening streets of Nerima caused
more than one person to stop and stare.
"Was that...?" asked one girl.
"Naw, couldn't be." answered another. "Besides, he's
dead."
"But he's with Akane Tendo."
"Well, maybe she's into older men."
Both girls shrugged and continued on their way.
By this time, Shampoo had tried other combinations and
potions, all without much success. All she got for her
trouble was two Knight Sabers, a tattooed black basketball
player in a Bulls uniform sporting yellow hair, and a
elderly white male with a longish nose and loose jowls who
kept repeating: I am not a crook. I am not a crook.'.
"MOUSSE!"
"Yes, Shampoo, my darling," Mousse answered as he stuck
his head through he door.
Wacking Mouse over the head with a thrown pestle,
Shampoo directed him to see to their guests' while she
tries to figure out how to send them back.
"Well you better," the basketball player said pointing
his finger at her. "It's the fourth quarter and stupid
Jordan can't play worth %#*$&! without me."
Shampoo pulled out her bonbori and knocked him through
the door into the diner.
"Shampoo not have time for smart-ass basketball
player." She began thumbing through little back book again.
"Besides, Chicago have better team without him."
She was interrupted when the back door burst open.
"Shampoo, you refugee from a WWF wrestling ring, what
have you done with Ranma?!" Akane yelled as she entered the
kitchen, dragging a confused looking Elvis behind her.
"Shampoo not know what violent tomboy talking about,"
she answered with crossed arms. "But Shampoo happy to see
Akane find new boyfriend."
Akane vibrated with anger. "Look you," she growled,
yanking the overweight Elvis so he wound up between them.
"This, is what you left me when you took Ranma."
"For you, an improvement."
"I want Ranma back."
"Not have" Shampoo stated smugly and turned back to her
potions.
"Pardon me, ladies," Elvis began. "But I was wondering
if there was something to eat, here abouts. You know, it's
been almost two hours since I've eaten and..."
"MOUSSE!"
"Yes, Shampoo, my darling," Mousse answered as he stuck
his head through he door.
"Feed!" she ordered, pointing to Elvis.
Mousse led Elvis by the hand into the diner, all the
time muttering about Mousse do this and Mousse do that.'
Akane looked over the mess Shampoo had made in the
kitchen and quickly surmised what she was up to. She was
playing with her grandmother's potions but didn't have a
clue as to what she was doing. Needless to say, Akane felt
confident that Shampoo didn't have Ranma. Unfortunately,
she was also confident that, wherever Ranma was, Shampoo was
the last person who would be able to get him back.
"You don't have him, do you?" Akane accused with
crossed arms and tapping foot. "And you don't have a clue
as to where he went."
"Shampoo have way," she said holding up the little
black book. "Shampoo get husband with grandmother's magic."
Akane just rolled her eyes. "My cooking's better than
your magic."
"Shampoo prove to violent tomboy."
Mixing ingredients in a dirty bowl, Shampoo quickly
summoned up a giant long necked yellow bird.
"Hello," the bird said in a very nasally voice. "Won't
you be my friend?"
"No! MOUSSE!"
"Yes, Shampoo, my darling," Mousse answered as he stuck
his head through he door.
"Main course!" she demanded pointing to the bird.
"Actually, all I was looking for was..gwaaaak!" the
bird's voice was cut off as the white robed Chinese boy
grabbed it's neck. Dragging the bird into the back room,
Mousse muttered about how it was going to take all night to
pluck a bird of such size. Still, millions of children
around the world could be heard cheering.
Akane had seen enough. Taking a conveniently placed
(aren't they always) metal bucket of water, she dumped the
frigid contents over Shampoo's head, following up with
slamming the empty bucket down over the soaking wet white
cat for good measure.
"Meow?" the cat cried from under the bucket.
[Klang] "Shut up!" Akane yelled as she stomped on the
bucket's bottom. Turning to the kitchen mess before her:
"If that bimbo can do this, so can I." Akane grabbed the
large blender and tried a few of the buttons.
"I wonder if Oneechan has one of these." she muttered
marveling at the whirling blades. "Faster than mixing the
stuff by hand."
For the next thirty minutes, Akane tried every recipe
in the book. Bloody Mary', Singapore Sling', even
Tequila Sunrise' failed to bring back Ranma. All they did
was produce more mess and more strange characters.
[Poof] "Darn!"
"Meow." [Klang]
[Poof] "Crud!"
"Meow." [Klang]
[Poof] "Rats! Arrrrrrgh!"
"Meow?" [Bang-Klang-Crash]
Exhausted, Akane wandered to the door and peaked into
the diner. It was full of all the strange characters she
had summoned with the magic potions.
A little round headed kid in shorts was explaining kite
aerodynamics to the Wright Brothers. Nixon was arguing
situational ethics with a short, Germanic looking man with
greasy hair and a tiny mustache. The Beatles were
performing in the corner while Elvis kept running back and
forth yelling they stole all his songs. The black
basketball player was listening patiently while Albert
Einstein insisted that hang time' was only an illusion.
Over in another corner, Kun-chan was choking the life out of
Trish Ledux while yelling something about not being canon'.
All the while, Geraldo Rivera was digging holes in the
diner's floor insisting he was going to be the first to
unearth the secret vault of the Meiji Dynasty.
"Sorry Ranma," Akane sighed as she turned away from the
dining room circus. "There's only two recipes left. I hope
I guess right."
"Meow!" [Wham-bang]
"Shut up!"
She quickly mixed a lethal looking combination of
bourbon, vodka, duck eggs, mothballs, toilet cleaner, raman
noodles, and, of course, lots of Cologne's magic herbs.
Turning on the blender to whip', she stood back. Good
thing too, as the result was strong enough to blow the top
off the blender, filling the room with thick purple smoke.
Coughing, Akane waived her arms trying to clear the
smoke enough to see what she had summoned.
"Eeeeep!" she gasped, clutching her mouth with her
hands.
Sitting naked on the floor was her father, dripping wet
with his little towel still perched on his head. His
expression, however, was still totally neutral.
"Daddy?"
"First it was the pig. Now this." Soun said calmly as
he continued to look straight ahead.
Akane quietly busied herself picking up parts of the
blender and fitting them back together. She tried to
pretend it wasn't her father wasn't sitting naked and
dripping wet on the floor next to her table, but it wasn't
easy.
<Well, at least I'm getting closer.> she thought with
some satisfaction.
"Hand your father a towel, daughter."
Akane quickly tossed her father the largest towel she
could find and looked around the room, prevaricating while
he stood and wrapped himself in the towel.
"Meow." [Klang]
"I trust this is Shampoo's diner," he said calmly.
"Ahhh, yes daddy."
"Fine. Then I can just walk home from here." With
that, he quietly exited the diner and, wearing only a towel,
began his walk home.
Angrily, Akane grabbed the little black book and
thumbed to the last page.
"This is it," she said out loud. "This *has* to be the
right potion. It's the only one left."
Akane packed the blender with everything she thought
the book required: liquor of various types and quantities;
underarm roll-on, toothpaste, two cans of OFF' spray; and
the last of Cologne's magic herbs. As an afterthought, she
stuffed the book itself in for good measure and slammed
closed the lid. With a determined look, she swallowed hard
and pressed puree'. The blender vibrated for a few seconds
before exploding, blowing out the side of the building and
leaving a thick cloud of green smoke that smelled faintly of
mint julep.
For several seconds, nothing moved. Slowly, a
blackened hand hesitantly rose above the table before
slamming down onto its surface, clutching the far edge.
Soon, Akane's head emerged from behind the damaged table,
her face blackened and her hair looking like Don King.
"Meow?" [Bang]
"Shut up!"
Mousse was the first to appear. Holding his glasses to
steady them, he examined the ruined kitchen before
approaching a bag of sugar.
"I don't know what you did, Shampoo, but it seems to
have worked. Everybody's gone from the diner." he said
addressing the bag of sugar. "Are you all right?"
"Shampoo's fine," Akane coughed. [Klang] "She's right
where she ought to be."
"Oh, good. By the way, I just remembered that Cologne
said she would be back by midnight. I'm going to bed now.
Night." Mousse walked out through the hole in the wall and
wandered down the street looking for his bedroom.
"I'm sorry, Ranma," Akane moaned as she leaned over the
damaged table. "I tried everything in that old witch's book
and *nothing* worked."
"What didn't work?" came a familiar voice from the open
wall.
Akane's head flew up to see a confused looking Ranma
Saotome bending over to look through the hole into the
ruined diner.
"Ranma!" she cheered excitedly. "What happened to you?
Where have you been?"
"All I remember is one minute you were yelling at me
and the next, I'm sitting in a movie theater with..." He
pulled a girl into the dim light. "Uccan." Ukyou clutched
Ranma's arm, rubbed her cheek against his shoulder and
smiled at Akane.
"Aaaaaaa!" Akane screamed at the sight of her rival.
"Meow." [Bang-crash-pow!]
"Shut up!"
"Geeez, Akane. You guys really made a mess this time."
Ranma observed. "What were you doing, taking cooking
lessons from Shampoo?" He snickered. "I mean, if she
didn't have that old crone to do the cooking, she'd have
poisoned half the city by now."
"MEOW! MEOW!!! MEOW!!!!!"
"I quite agree." Akane said tipping the bucket over to
release Shampoo the cat. "Sic-em."
The last Akane saw of the trio, Ranma was running for
his life with a little white cat close on his heels and
Ukyou, swinging her giant spatula, chasing the cat; the
sounds of her spatula rang through the night air as she
repeatedly slammed it into the street trying to squash the
offending feline.
"Oh well," Akane thought while rinsing off all the
black soot and grime from the explosion. "Shampoo'll get
hers when Cologne gets back and finds the shop ruined, all
her magic herbs gone, and her little black book of potions
only a memory.
Akane was about to set off for home when a voice behind
her asked: "Pardon me, little momma. But would you happen
to know the way to Graceland?"