Zen wrote:

Well, Zen read the new version, and here are Zen's comments!

For those of you reading this who don't know, Zen was one of my
pre-prereaders.

Zen hopes that you are ready for them!

Always, Zen.  Glad you take the time to write them!

Zen liked the flashback scenes... That was a nice touch.  The first one was
the best, though.

She had to pay them and give them benefits and vacations and cover
for them when they called in sick (which happened a lot, more so
than she had ever thought possible - she herself hadn't been sick
in years).

This is a cannonical error - She was dreadfully sick at the end of the
manga, (last story in volume 36) so ill in fact, the Konatsu, Ranma and
(god help nerima) Akane agreed to run the shop til she got better.  This
was also the story where Konatsu put the 500 yen coins in the okonomiyaki.

D'oh!  You're right, forgot about that.  It's technically true - this
story takes place two years after the end of the manga - but it wasn't
the point I was trying to make.  I'll change this.

Akane was mechanically eating her food, glaring at the men around the table.
She'd only gotten back from the hospital two days ago, and had insisted on
fixing dinner.  Ranma's offers to prepare dinner had been coldly rebuffed.

Okay...  Zen still has trouble with this time frame.  Just two DAYS back
from the hospital?  They have fallen into the baby care routine *awfully*
fast - a couple of Zen's friends have just had babies, and Zen can assure
Richard-san that things do not become this routine this quickly.  Suggest
two WEEKS maybe?

Hmm.  Maybe better.

BTW, if Akane is eating her own cooking, it would CERTAINLY explain why she
is in such a pissy mood! ^_^

Yuck yuck.  :)

The rewrite of the scene where Kasumi (and now Akane) visit Ukyou at the
second restaurant whilst looking for Ranma is a WORLD better.  Coupled with
the secret place flashback, Zen thinks that this was a very neat solution.
Zen would point out however, that Kansai is only halfway across Japan by
the width of the island, (actually, Kansai is west of Kobe, which is south
of Tokyo.) The train is appropriate, but the distance isn't all *that*
great.

Actually, when I wrote "halfway across Japan", I envisioned it
widthwise, rather than lengthwise, even though I had no clue where
Kansai actually was (I was hoping someone like you would tell me).  I'm
glad I got it right in my mind.  I also figured that "halfway across
Japan" was vague enought that Kansai could be just about anywhere, and
still be "halfway across Japan".  :)

"No, not that."  He looked down at his feet, thinking.  "It's just, when I
got hurt, I remember that there was someone I could go cuddle with.  It made
me feel good.  Then they went away and now I've got no one to cuddle with."

Ukyo thought about it.  She cuddled with her father a lot, but Ranma's
Daddy didn't seem like the cuddling type.  Who could Ranchan cuddle with?

Zen does not think that a six year old Ranma would use the word "cuddle"
and he is *certain* that an older one would not.  Suggest use "to be" and
refer to person as "comforting" perhaps?  Soothing, rather than the
abrasiveness that his father exhibits.

"Comforting" doesn't seem like a word that a six-year-old would use. 
How about, "hug"?  Or maybe, "I remember that I could sit on someone's
lap and they'd make me feel all better."  Any other thoughts?

She lifted herself out of the cave, then reached down to pull Ranma out
of the darkness.

This is a particularly nice image.

Tanks.

Ranma looked around, and locked his eyes off to his right.  Following his
gaze, Ukyo saw Kasumi, Tofu, and Akane.  Baby Nouma was there, too, bundled
in layers of cloth in a stroller.

Okay.  Ranma is obviously male again, but you have done nothing to indicate
when he changed back.  Suggest doing so, or else leaving Ranma female at
this point.  The latter might be preferable if you want to show A) that
Akane can see just *how* upset Ranma has been and B) that she is relieved
enough to have him back that she does not mind creating a scene with
another woman.  Otherwise, just indicate that the change took place, ne?

Actually, if you read that bit carefully, you'll notice Ranma change
gender a few times.  Got a little careless in my editing.  :)  I really
want Ranma to be male here, because his true self is his male side, and
I want him to be as "real" as possible with Akane in this scene.  It's
hard for me to put into words, but no matter how much Ranma accepts his
curse and his female identity, he's still primarily male, the father of
his children and the husband of Akane.

Ranma broke the silence first.  "Akane.  About last night, I'm sorry.
I love you, all parts of you.  I love you when you're happy, and I love
you when you're angry.  I get angry sometimes, and I say stupid stuff;
I hope you know that I don't always mean it.  I wanted to lash out at
you, and I said something very mean.  I can't tell you how much I regret
that.  Please believe me; I love you."

This still sounds rushed...  it is a tad jarring.  Zen notices that you
have tried to "dumb it down" from the last version, but that will involve
more than just the vocabulary change that has been made - the structure of
the speech is too... organised.  Too much like he's making a speech - too
wordy.

Everyone else pretty much says the same thing.  I may need to rewrite
this whole scene from scratch.

"Oh, Ranma."  Akane jumped into his arms.  The force knocked them to the
ground, Akane landing on top of Ranma.  People in the crowd gave them a
strange look.

This for example, would have more impact with Ranma still a female.

He opened his eyes, which were still baby-blue, and almost seemed to focus
on >her.  Ukyo knew he was still a few days away from truly being able to
see,

                 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Zen still wants to know what your basis for this statement is.

>From "Your Child's Development:  The First Month", by Diana S. DelCampo,
Ph.D., Family Life Specialist:

Baby's hearing is well developed at this point, but sight is not. He/she
will be able to distinguish light from dark, and may be able to focus on
an object about 7 inches away. Your baby can use only one eye at a time,
so don't be surprised if the eyes cross. This is normal.

All in all, the reunion scene was well done - but Zen still thinks that you
need to do something about the genger ambiguity.  Ranma is going to be
covered with dirt from the cave, and Zen still thinks the scene has more
impact if Ranma is still a she at the time, but, it is your call.

Now...

"Akane..."  Ranma stopped, considered her words, and spoke again.  "Do you
enjoy cooking?"

Akane wiped her eyes and looked up at Ranma.  "Enjoy?  It's just something
that I have to do.  It's what wives are supposed to do."

Something about this has been bugging Zen a bit.  Zen likes the way that
you handle the scene with Kasumi added by the way...  But Zen has been
checking his manga, and the basis Zen sees is that Akane wants very badly
to be able to cook - she regards it as very important - her chief problem
having been a lack of patience.  While for the purpose of the story this
works as written, you might add that she doesn't have to give it up all
together, just let Ranma do the cooking while she takes more LIESURELY
lessons from Kasumi perhaps...  It would be good to see a scene where
Kasumi explains to her exactly why recipes list specific ingredients, and
not others...  Take the pressur off her, and she *can* learn.  Oh well,
just Zen's .02 worth.  Don't let it complicate anything. ^_^

Kun-chan said much the same thing.  I'm trying to develop a
justification for Ranma taking over the cooking duties, as seen in "The
Dying of the Rose".  I'll think on this, perhaps going in the direction
you suggest.

Bravo for your defence of Kasumi as Belldandy's Earthly Avatar... Zen agrees!

:)  When I saw my first Ranma sub (I had always watched the dubs, which
I like a lot; my first sub was a year after watching Ranma dubs), and
Kasumi spoke, I sat bolt upright and said "Belldandy!".  To this day,
everytime Kasumi speaks in a sub, I think of Belldandy.  It's so
appropriate, too, since they have very much the same character.  I've
noticed that in many fanfics, Kasumi has a daughter called, "Bell-chan",
so I'm not alone in this.  :)

Ukyo narrowed her eyes.  Kasumi.  She was going a bit too far with this
mothering kick of hers.  She needed to get pregnant very quickly, or Ukyo was
going to kill her.

Bwaaaaaahhh ha ha ha ha ha!  Love it!  So, has Richard-san ever seen "Harvey"?

Actually, I have, but I don't get the allusion.  It's been a while,
though.  Refresh my memory.

Which, she was coming to realize, was probably a good thing.  For the very
first time, she entertained the thought that perhaps it was best that she
and Ranma had never ended up together.  He tended to act without thought,
to think of himself before thinking of others.  He ran from his problems
sometimes, and ignored the consequences of his actions.  He had hurt her
terribly because of that.  Akane was able to forgive him because she tended
to do some of the same things.

Anou... this needs work.  Granted Ranma can be selfish, but that brush can
tar the entire cast, with the exceptions of Kasumi and Tofuu.  Ranma may do
these things, but evidence suggests that he is getting better about it far
faster than any of the others, Ucchan included.

:) When I wrote this paragraph and the one following it, I sat back,
read it, and thought, "Zen's gonna hate me."  ^_^  I actually wasn't
completely satisfied with them, either, but I left them as they were
hoping to draw comments like yours.

Opposites may attract, but attraction wears off after a while.  Ukyo needed
more than Ranma could give her.  It was just possible that Ikaru could do
what Ranma couldn't.  And that was to give Ukyo stability and dependibility
in a world that offered precious little of either.

Zen feels that this is an error - Ranma and Ukyou are not opposites.  Not
identical either, but not opposites.  Ikaru-san is very different of
course, and that is, as you say, a good thing, but this seems harsh.  Zen
feels that it would read more true to the characters if Ukyou looked at
Ikaru-san's character and found that he had "the soul of a warrior"
(honour, dependability, compassion, etc) even though he was not a martial
artist... The last line is fine, but the implication that Ranma is neither
stable nor dependable is iffy.

Thanks for the viewpoint.  I'm going to try to get a couple more
viewpoints on this, than rework those two paragraphs.  Your points are
excellent, btw, although I have a slight reservation characterizing
Ranma as "stable".  :)

She'd explored many extremes of her character, and not found all of it
to her liking.

This seems to be such a negative way to end a paragraph that is suppoesed
to be a basically affirming sentiment...  Mayhaps move it to the start?

That's actually a very good idea.

All it took was a spatula and a little love.

And heat.  LOTS of heat. ^_^

Hehe.

Okay.  There it is.  Zen's final comments on the story.  Zen hopes that you
will find them helpful.

Well, don't hesitate to offer more if they occur to you.  And yes, I
find them very helpful, as always.

Zen the Heretic-

-Richard
sterman@sprynet.com
rlawson@informix.com