On Tue, 24 Sep 1996, Richard Lawson wrote:
: Okay, here it is: my final TIL story. That is, my final one until I
: write my sequel, which takes place twenty-five years later.
<sigh> All right, I'll add this one and _Interview_ to the book.
It's already too long for a single book, anyway, so perhaps it's
better off as a two-parter. We'll have to clear off what goes into
volume 1 & 2 respectively.
The sequel can get it's own book series, then. :)
: I began anyway, seeing where my writing would take me. It was at this
: point I solicited some help. I sent the beginning to Zen and Sebastian
: Weinberg and asked them what direction I should go. I finished one
: potential ending and showed it to Travis Butler as well. They all had
: good comments. I wrote a second possible ending and sent it off to Zen
: and Sebastian along with the first. They commented extensively, which
: helped me a lot.
Glad to have been of service. :)
: In the end, I took one ending, and rewrote the story from beginning to
: end, going in a different direction than I had envisioned when I first
: began to write it.
And it came out very well.
: I really want you to tear into this one. I want my Ukyo story to be
: *good*, not okay. Any and all criticisms gladly welcome; I want to make
: this story better. If you have ideas for additional scenes, or scenes
: that could be done better, or scenes that should be expanded upon, let
: me know. I want your every thought.
OK. <Tearing>
You are *seriously* OOC (Out Of Continuity) at the beginning. The
name "Ucchan" was invented by Ranma, and Ukyou only adopted it
again for her restaurant, when she met Ranma again after 10 years
and fell in love with him. Furthermore, we have no knowledge of
her father being trained in any fighting style, and it always
seemed to me that Ukyou learned her Okonomiyaki martial arts on her
own. Also, I couldn't picture Genma and Ranma making an assault on
Ukyou's Father's Yattai.
One sore point about _TIL_ in general is your treatment of the
_Musabetsu Kakutou_ school, based on the Viz translation "Anything
Goes". It is not meant to imply dishonourable fighting techniques
(although Genma and Happousai are not above that), but rather
refers to the fact that it utilizes techniques borrowed from many
different martial arts. Unfortunately, some rather large points of
_TIL_ hinge of the "Anything Goes" angle, and so you can't correct
that without detracting from the story, but I would be pleased, if
you'd refrain from mentioning the "unethical" fighting style in
future stories.
</Tearing>
Apart from that, I loved it. You managed to give Ukyou a reason to
think about her life, without really plunging her into the deepest
pits of despair. Kasumi's role is far better, now, and Ukyou's
love interest is built up more subtly (although I was still rooting
for James to show up ;)
I *still* think that the conflict scene in the cave was over pretty
fast, but that might be just me.
It's definitely more than just okay.
Sebastian