gaffney@iconn.net wrote:
Ah, good. Another Aftermath story, and on one of my favorite
characters, pro'ly #2 after Akari-chan.
The title is fine. I like it better than the other one, anyway.
I was also thinking of using "Somebody Needs The Wood". It seemed too
cynical to me, however.
I see we've gotten over our "everything is Ranma's fault" syndrome.
This was clearly Akane from the beginning, and her regret was very
touching.
What can I say, Zen's made a convert out of me. :)
The sex scene - so to speak - was intriguing. For a while, I wasn't
sure if it was a dream or not. Good job there.
Good. I had hoped it was slightly ambiguous, but that people would
figure it out before Ukyo's assertation in the cave.
Ukyou (I change the name in my spellchecker. Same with Ryouga) was
very well written, though you do follow the Biles/Galegos/Gaffney
tradition of having her depressed a lot.
Well, I go with the Viz version, figuring it to be as close to
"official" as possible.
And Ukyo being depressed was kind of the only thing I could think to do
with her; having her happily cooking okonomiyaki till the end of her
days didn't seemed terribly interesting. :)
Kasumi - is getting irritating. Can't she screw up once? She's
not Belldandy. I think when you mentioned singing to the vegetables,
that's when I thought, "He's getting his seiyuu confused." Maybe
in the 25 years later series they'll be a crisis she *can't* solve.
Well, that is deliberate. I've always thought of Kasumi as having
divine patience and understanding. And I do have her sing to her
cooking in "Heart of the Home", blurring the line between the two.
As a side note, I wish Willow Johnson was the English voice of
Belldandy. Whoever they got is terrible.
A lot of the ending "I was wrong - No, I was wrong" speeches b/w
Ranma and Akane sounded forced. They don't talk like this, even
after mellowing out. Ranma sounds too complex. Try and "dumb
down" the speeches, make them a little less Kuno-esque.
One of my biggest problems is making people talk the way I do. I'll
have to go back to rewrite these scenes, you're right.
Likewise, Kasumi's speech. She's not Belldandy!!! Try and make it
a little simpler.
This I might not change much. My Kasumi is Belldandy's earthly avatar.
:)
I like Ikaru. This surprises me, as I rarely like Ukyou-authored
boyfriends. Sorta Konatsu-like, but without the worship.
I worked hard to make Ikaru likeable but not perfect. For one thing, I
didn't want to get accused of self-insertion. :)
If I were going to self-insert, however, I'd bag Nabiki. So if you read
a fanfic by me where she dumps Kuno for an older American man, feel free
to flame me.
All in all, very good. I hope the negative criticism I gave here
will convince you to maybe see an early version of 25 years later?
I can say nasty things, too, not just Sebastian and Zen!
Hehehe. Well, if I do need pre-prereaders for my TIL sequel, you'll be
on the list. You do give me good comments. So far, though, I've had no
problems writing it, although I'm a little worried that it moves too
slowly.
--Sean Gaffney, a nice guy
--and you made me read this instead of listening to Lather. Wow!
I'd be more impressed if I knew what Lather was. Outside of the shaving
reference, that is. :)