On Sat, 21 Sep 1996 16:17:49 -0700 (MST) Raphael See wrote:
: Scoop of the Day
: A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction
: "Hey, I was just trying to look out for you! It's not my fault
: that you can't even kick, you're built like a brick, your thighs are too..."
Hmmph, recycling of insults (especially Viz-translated ones) isn't
really on top of my list of things that make a fic stand out
creativity-wise. :)
: "Hmm?" Noriko turned and found herself face to face with her
: layout editor. The staple dropped forgotten from Noriko's fingers.
: "S-Suzuki?" she asked with some apprehension. *What're you doing?* What
: seemed like an eternity passed, with Noriko and Suzuki looked directly
: into the other's eyes.
:
: Finally, Suzuki quickly got up, now visibly blushing. "Um, I
: guess that's it, Chief. See you later! The meeting tomorrow, right?" he
: stammered, hastily moving towards the door.
:
: "Y-yeah! The meeting! See you tomorrow! Ha, ha!" Noriko managed
: to reply. The door clicked shut behind Suzuki's retreating form. Noriko
: to her dismay began to blush furiously.
Aww, that was *so* sweet. I was rooting for them to get together
almost from the beginning. Yay!
: Kuno was beyond fury. "So, you are capable of defending
: yourself," Kuno observed coldly, seeing the speed with which Noriko had
: reacted to his outburst. "Very well, a duel for honor it will be! You
: will fight for your own, and I will fight for both mine...and the
: pig-tailed girl." Kuno said evenly with a dangerous glint in his eyes.
Duh, Kunou! Do the words "The pen is mightier than the sword"
ring a bell?
: Noriko never heard Kuno utter the words that sent chills of
: terror down the spines of female students everywhere in Furinkan. "Noriko
: Hirauchi..." he croaked, trying to move. "....I
: would.......date.......with you...."
Eeeeeeiyaaaaaarrrgh! Poor Noriko!
Good fighting scene, BTW. I liked the way you show Kunou as a
rather dangerous opponent for anyone but Ranma, *and* the way
Noriko overcomes this by analyzing his strengths and weaknesses
and acting accordingly.
I think you should cut most of the scenes of Ranma at Ucchan's
Okonomiyaki-ya, though. Ranma is a very impatient sort of guy
with a highly developed sense of danger. He would not just sit
around, waiting, while Noriko is getting into a fight. If it was
happening the way you wrote it, he would probably be out of the
restaurant and looking for Noriko, in time to save her from the
battle.
To avoid that (since it would detract from the story), you could
have Noriko running really *really* late, even before she is held
up by Kunou. In that case, Ranma would go looking for her, before
she gets into the fight and you could have him be sidetracked by
one of his assorted enemies, or just simply miss Noriko by going
into the Fuurinkan building, just as she comes out another
entrance. Or something like that.
I just can't picture him sitting around, while somewhere else a
fight like that takes place. It doesn't fit his role.
Oh, and Ranma isn't the type to bear a grudge, so I doubt he would
leave the restaurant grumbling and saying he doesn't want to hear
of Noriko again. Think of how he still treats people friendly,
who *really* attacked and hurt him, like Shampoo, Ukyou, Ryouga,
Mousse - heck, even Kodachi gets at least *polite* behavior from
him. Ranma is a person who forgives easily, *especially* when no
real harm is done.
: Okay, that's about it for now! A big "thank you" to everyone who
: replied to the previous installment, and please keep replying! These are
: really rough drafts I send out, so any comments only help make this thing
: better (which isn't all that hard).
How could I not let you know how much I like this story? It's
lovely, with wonderful new characters that really fit in, and
fitting roles for all the regulars. I do think that it can be
improved - but only in small way, since it's so good to begin
with.
: The scene with Ukyou and Noriko also seems a bit forced and
: unnatural. I haven't read much of Ukyou (besides fanfics, and it seems
: from the spam that has propogated this ML that those portrayals might not
: be the most accurate) in the manga, and have seen even less of her in the
: anime. Am I OOC? IC? No character?
I think you have her pretty much IC. Her character is not *that*
well defined in the manga apart from her relation to Ranma and her
cooking, so you can't do much wrong in a scene that isn't
*directly* related to one of them. :)
: Finally, I think I'm starting to hit a major wall here with this
: story. It's getting harder and harder to continue it as time goes on. I
: have some vague ideas on how to finish it (which I hope to do in the next
: chapter), but nothing terribly concrete. Any ideas (send ideas to me via
: private e-mail, please)?
To keep this in line with the typical justice of Ranma 1/2, Noriko
should get back her post (shared with Suzuki, this time), the
'Informer' should survive, and Ranma should make amends somehow,
to show that he has learned something from the whole mess.
How about holding a martial arts tournament at Fuurinkan, and when
Ranma inevitably wins, he puts the prize money in a Damage Repairs
Fund (It's not as if he would have much use for it, anyway). Thus
The 'Informer' could get back on the budget without having to
pander to the Principal's opinions, and Noriko could write a
positive article about the tournament (showcasing her new, more
relaxed attitude towards martial arts).
Hmm, another idea: You could have Noriko watch the tournament and
unconsciously take notes, even though she quit the newspaper.
Suzuki turns up besides her and points this out to her, showing
her that she cannot turn her back to her true vocation.
Sebastian