"ML" == Mousse Lee <mousse@pixi.com> writes:

ML> following is hopefully C&C, first of all why the `` and '' it's
ML> really annoying and the reason I put off reading this for so long.
ML> A standard " works fine and makes it easier to read.

I use TeX sometimes/often, and " ends up as a `closing double quote'
which bothers me, and `` with " looks funny.  It isn't that big of a
deal, unlike using Mac quote characters (which are Latin-1 accented
characters, grumble)  if it bothers, it doesn't take much work at all
to just global replace them (in vi :%s/``/"/g RET :%s/''/"/g RET )
Why do you find `` and '' annoying?  I admit it adds sixteen bits per
quote when compared to ", but it doesn't make that big of a visible
difference. (of course, I use 6x10 as my display font, so that may
have something to do with it, don't think so, though)

        I use 10 point courier because I prefer fixed fonts.  The ``, which
I can't even write without cut and paste for some reason, comes across
visually as alot of white space.  Within the sentances it's harder to
distinguish a ' from a '' as well.  I see dozens upon dozens of ' whereas I
hardly take notice of " while reading a story.  It's mostly a distraction
since '' looks nothing like " on my computer.

ML> I had a couple problems following the new characters and keeping
ML> track of who was who...

well, I introduced Miyuki in the last story, and most of the various
subplots, so . . .

        I had the feeling there was another story somewhere, like that
feeling when you hear an inside joke which goes completely over your head.
I didn't see any mention of another fic so I had to assume this was a
standalone.

``So, what's for dinner, Miyuki?''  Miyuki looks up at her older
sister, who showed signs that she would soon learn the
bakusaitenketsu, mainly through not being as bruised as she had
been the day before.

In the last story/part/whatever Rei is mentioned to be studying with
obaba, and I felt that by about 13 she would probably be learning

        Okay, but you should still consider cutting that sentance into
smaller parts, I don't think the grammar is correct as it is.

Standard format rules state that unless one is changing between more
than two speakers, one can just volley the dialog back and forth after
their first identification, and only have to re-identify people when
either the order they are speaking in changes or someone new speaks.
I figured that Ukyou was identified soon enough after her first line
that I didn't need to make it explicit.

[example][my notes in {}]

       ``Konbanwa, Rei-chan.''
{we start with: Ukyou/Kodachi/or Riechan}
       ``Konbanwa.  Come in, please, Miyuki is almost done with dinner.''
She leads the way to the dining room.
{Reichan I assume}
       ``Ucchan!  To what do we owe your presence tonight?''
{??? Ranma?  first time I noticed the familiar name usage}
       ``Miyuki called and said that I was invited over for dinner.  I guess
she neglected to tell you that, ne.''
{back to Ukyou talking about Miyuki}
       ``Yep.  Least she was cooking, so I don't have to apologize for not
having cooked enough.''
{*shrug* same speaker I guess}
       ``Once was enough, wasn't it Ran-chan?''
{first mention of Ranma, I missed the initial 'Ucchan' first few times
around since I wasn't even aware Ranma was in the room}
       ``More than.  `I don't mind if you invite people over and forget to
tell me''
{Ranma to Miyuki? or Ukyou?}

        okay, this took me four read throughs to fully understand and I'm
still not completely sure about some of it.  I just grabbed a section and
ran it through a logic test, average readers shouldn't have to do this.
There are 7 people in this room I think, but again I could be wrong.

``Because I like it, no one else in the house cooks with it, and
it's in season right now.''  There is a loud knocking at the door.
``That must be Kodachi, Ukyou and Rie-chan.  Go let them in,
please.''

``Ryoukai!''  She snapped her heels together and slapped her fist
against her chest.

ML>         Already I'm getting lost again, Rie-chan?  Ryoukai?  Most
ML> of the opening goes way over my head as a reader.

Ryoukai wa, eigo de, `Roger' to iimasu.  Soshite, Rie-chan ga atarashi
karakuta- desu.  (says one who doesn't know as much nihongo as that might
make it seem)

        Wakarimasen deshita ga 'Roger' wa nihongo de Ryoukai to iimashita
ne.  Footnote ga irimasu.  Nihongo mo wakarimasen.  Sumimasen.  ^_^

I thought it was fairly obvous that they were in the dining room, at
least from the ``Ucchan . . .''

        Tendo Dojo?  Since I didn't know any of the characters yet I had no
idea how everyone relates to each other.  I originally assumed it was
Miyuki's and Reichan's place.  I had no reason to expect Ranma or Akane to
be in the kitchen.

``Ano, Kodachi-bachan, why did you challenge Akane to a poisoning
contest?''  Miyuki asks, after everyone had settled down again.

ML>         Okay, this is like an entirely different fic within a fic.

Which is exactly what was said about the introduction of this bit in
the prior story ^_^
When does one actually have life run in a totally linear fashon?

        All the time.. just a bunch of lives at once which kinda skews
things.  The format changes dramaticly when Kodachi starts telling her
story.  I liked hearing her story more than listening to the small talk, it
conveyed it's points without alot of trouble.

I know (from family experience, not personal) that doing too many
chemicals can make one less than stable, and having had experiences
like that would go a long way towards explaining both why she was so
twisted, and how she would know what a bad trip is like.  And most of
Nerima probably had bad trips.

        Actually I can't see Kodachi on pot, lsd sure no problem.

ML> and she considers cigarettes, alcohol, speed, and coke the harder
ML> drugs?

one can't get off any of the above easily at all, and cold turkey off
alcohol can be fatal if you are unlucky.  Cold turkey off of heroin
isn't fun, but is far better than methadone, which is more addictive,
cannot be kicked cold turkey, and generally is used to create a
captive market for something that would otherwise be impossible to
sell, IMHO.  (no, I don't do any of the above, but I have heard too
much about the subject for none of it to have rubbed off)

        The conotation in the story is that heroin and lsd are in soft
stuff while alchohol and tobacco are considered some of the hard stuff.  I
don't do any drugs myself, I just used to read about then alot.

ML> Besides the obvious OOC questions how about the criminal/multiple
ML> felonies question?

Akane wouldn't take that into consideration, and I'm sure there would
be a thousand and one crackpot organizations who would be more than
happy to claim that they did it.

        I suppose that just leaves the OOC questions then... although last
I checked Akane never tried to poison anyone intentionally, much less try
to drug all of Nerima.

ja ne,
       Suika (who is happy to note that the Reply-to headers are no
       longer getting munged)

        Mousse (who is not happy due to lack of sleep but pleasant because
of the current state of the FFML.)
        I'll try to trim more quotations out in the future.  When I get a
chance I'll read the other one, right now I have a date with my inner
eyelids.  nite.

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