[Opening shot of the Tendo Dojo. It is a peaceful, quiet night. The
night is disturbed by a slightly battered group that staggers in the
front door. Genma, Ranma, Soun, Ryouga, and Akane all clearly look like
they've been in a fight, although they're not too hurt. Voices drift in
from the living room.]
Akane: Kasumi is entertaining guests this late?
Soun: Those voices...sound familiar.
Ranma: Yeah. Hey, Pop, doesn't that sound like...
Genma-panda: [having apparently grabbed some water and dripping wet.
Holds up a sign that says:] "No one here but us Pandas. Time to visit
Hokkaido, Ranma."
Akane: [flatly] If this is another enemy of yours...
Ryouga: [in the doorway] It's just an old man and an old woman. And
Kasumi.
Ranma: [goes to the doorway] Hey, it's grandpa and grandma!
Genma-panda: [holds up a sign] I think I left the gas on... [turns to go,
but Ranma grabs him]
Ranma: Why do you always run away from your parents, Pop?
Ryouga: He runs away from just about anything except Mr. Tendo. Must
be instinct or something.
Genma-panda: [holds up a sign] My parents are pandas, not...
Ranma: [pours hot water from the teapot on the stove onto Genma] Your
parents are NOT pandas!
[The parents in question appear in the doorway. Saotome-sama looks
almost exactly like Genma, but wrinkled and without glasses. He appears
to be in his late sixties, or perhaps early seventies. He is
dressed in conservative, slightly formal clothing in dark
tones. His wife, Genma's mother, is dressed in a light cheery
sundress. She is tall and fat, though one gets the impression
the fat conceals a substantial amount of muscle as well. Her
hair is grey and comes down to her shoulders. She wears
gold-rimmed bifocals.]
Saotome-sama: That's certainly correct. No profit in being a panda.
Saotome-mama-sama :): Or in being dripping wet. [pulls out a towel with
HILTON monogramed on it and dries Genma off] You'll get a cold and you
know how expensive doctors are.
Kasumi: Have you been swimming, Mr. Satome? Isn't it kind of cold
tonight for that?
Saotome-mama-sama: [hugs Ranma] You're growing up so fast. Why, the
last time I saw you, I was still taller than you are!
Ranma: Um, you are still taller than I am, Grandma.
Saotome-mama-sama: [blinks and adjusts her glasses] Oh yes, I guess I
am. So where is your mother, Ranma?
Ranma: ...
Genma: She's not here?
Kasumi: Oh my...I suppose she must have been held up on the subway.
Ranma: But the subways don't run this late at night!
Kasumi: Perphaps that's why she was held up.
[The door opens. Nodoka staggers in.]
Genma: [rushes over] Are you okay?
Nodoka: [puts down her shopping bag] I feel like an extra in a Godzilla
movie...
Ranma: What happened?
Nodoka: A bunch of brawling students from some school called Tomobiki
wrecked the subway train. I had to walk the rest of the way home.
[finally spots Genma's parents] I thought we didn't leave a forwarding
address...I mean, so nice to see you. [bows]
Saotome-san: We haven't seen our son and grandchild in a few years, so
we thought we'd drop by for a few months.
Nodoka: [look of abject fear] Um...
Genma: Months... [faints]
Ranma: So what have you two been up to?
Soun: Months...my house...What have I done to the gods...[faints]
Akane: ...
Kasumi: Hmm. If we move Ranma into Akane's room and Nabiki sleeps on
the roof with Ryouga...
Ryouga: I...uh...[blushes]
Saotome-sama: Well, we ordered a couch that opens up into a bed, so we
can just sleep in the living room. I wouldn't want to make anyone sleep
on the roof. We do have a hotel room for tonight.
Saotome-sama-mama: Too bad Mr. Trump's card had that 10000000000 yen
credit limit. We could have just bought one of the houses in the
neighborhood to stay in...
Saotome-sama: I told you the crystal cup set was a bad idea. How are we
supposed to transport that much stuff out windows and down the sides of
buildings?
Saotome-sama-mama: [whining slightly] But it was so pretty...
Saotome-sama: Anything you can't stuff in your pocket or your suitcase
is just too clunky for our lifestyle. You should know that.
Akane: ...
Ranma: [yawns] I'll see you in the morning. I need SLEEP.
Ryouga: Me too. [wanders into the pantry] Hey, how'd all these cans
get up on the roof...
******************************************************************
Furinkan Summer #5
"Too many houseguests leads to many riots.
Will Mousse and Shampoo pass their tests?"
By John Biles
*******************************************************************
[We see Ryouga step out of his tent on the Tendo dojo roof. He is
suprised to see Mr. Tendo curled up in a blanket by the tent.]
Ryouga: [shakes Mr. Tendo awake] Are you okay? What are you doing up here?
Soun: Umm...I'm not sure...I think Saotome-sama and his wife are in my
bed or something.
Ryouga: [blinks] They what...?
Soun: You don't have anything valuable, do you?
Ryouga: Um, not really.
Soun: Well, you're safe, anyway. Hmm. I need to tell Kasumi to have
our china moved to my brother's house.
Ryouga: You have a brother who lives here in Tokyo?
Soun: He lives on Hokkaido, actually. That should be far enough...
Ryouga: Are they really that bad?
Soun: I'd cry, but I'm feeling dehydrated.
Ryouga: I'd better warn Nabiki then...
Soun: That reminds me. I've been meaning to talk to you about Nabiki.
Ryouga: [freezes like a deer in the headlights] Yes?
Soun: I wish to meet your family before I can pass my final judgement on
this.
Ryouga: This?
Soun: The two of you getting married of course.
Ryouga: [faints]
Soun: I never realized he was high-strung...
*******************************************************************
[We see the now youthened Happousai and Cologne on a boat. They are both
lounging by the pool. Every so often she whaps him for leering at some
woman.]
Happousai: Are you sure I can't marry both of you?
Cologne: Shampoo must marry Ranma, dear. We don't support polygamy,
anyway. Only Polyandry.
Happousai: What?
Cologne: A woman can have multiple husbands, but a man cannot have
multiple wives.
Happousai: [pouts] Hrmph.
Cologne: I wonder how Shampoo is doing right now. Probably slacking off.
*************************************************************************
[We see the interior of the Nekohanten. It is only ten AM, and already
Mousse and Shampoo are dripping with sweat as they and Shelf's two young
helpers try to assemble a fifteen foot tall statue of a blindfolded
Amazon holding a sword in one hand and a scales in the other. Shelf is
sitting back sipping on a mixed drink.]
Shampoo: Women back in village not like you sitting around, Shelf! They
get angry because you such lazy man.
Shelf: Well, at least I didn't run off with some old man like my wife
did. I can't believe she's taken to cavorting with Happousai again...And
if you can't speak proper Japanese, please use Chinese. <Like this. I
thought I should make you practice, but you're starting to drive me mad
talking in the third person all the time.>
Shampoo: <I just can't stand the way their stupid language doesn't have
enough inflections...all those words, all the writing systems, no one
knows how to make a proper spear...>
Mousse: I would be happy to help you learn to speak Japanese better if
you so desire, Shampoo. My Japanese is impeccable.
Shampoo: What about pecking, duck-boy?
Mousse: [growls slightly] Shampoo...
Shampoo: [sounds cranky] Lost many customers when we had to take duck
off the menu...
Shelf: Stop whining and start building! This is the last thing. Have
you two gotten your assistants yet?
Mousse: Umm...you haven't let us leave the building to ask anyone for a
week.
Shelf: Good point. Right. Go get your assistants lined up, while I
finish this.
***********************************************************************
[It is lunchtime at the Tendo dojo. They are having an early lunch.]
Ryouga: Well, now I've got to go find my parents. I should be back
before you enter college...I hope.
Nabiki: ...
Ryouga: I don't suppose you'd like to come with me?
Nabiki: ...
Ryouga: You okay, there?
Nabiki: [topples over, having fainted]
Kasumi: Oh my.
Saotome-sama: Must be something in the air. I feel a bit woozy myself.
Ranma: [trying to fend off his father and both grandparents from
stealing his food] Will you STOP?
Genma: Food is like a mountain you must climb, trying to outrace the
other climbers, or you won't get any of it. And it doesn't stop. Not
until you are dead. If you get to the top, all you get is indigestion.
Ranma: [backs up halfway across the room] Maybe I'll be safe over here.
[Shampoo crashes through the wall and sits down in his lap.]
Ranma: Then again, maybe not.
Shampoo: Shampoo need to talk to airen!
Saotome-san: Ah, my grandson has a girlfriend.
Akane: Hey, I'm his fiancee! She's just this chinese idiot!
Saotome-san: [smiles] Ahh. That's my grandson! One woman just isn't
enough.
[Akane and his wife both pick up the table and smack him in the head with
it. He falls over. Genma immediately steals all of his father's food.]
Kasumi: Would you like some asprin, Mr. Saotome?
Ranma: Hey, I'm trying to eat breakfast, Shampoo!
Shampoo: Isn't this lunchtime?
Ranma: Lunch, breakfast...whatever!
Mousse: [steps in through the hole in the wall] Ahh, Akane, I need to
speak with you.
Saotome-san: [from under the table] I take it that's her boyfriend.
Akane: [jumps up and down on the table] He is NOT!
Kasumi: You used to say that about Ranma, too.
Akane: [thinks] I hate my life...
***********************************************************************
[We see Mousse and Akane talking in Akane's room.]
Akane: So you have to pass three tests of adulthood?
Mousse: Hai. The test of mind, the test of body, and the test of
spirit. We get to ask one person to asist us, traditionally someone who
has not yet taken the test themselves who is of the opposite sex. That's
why I asked you. I know very few women here. I know you have no reason
to like me, but...
Akane: Yeah, I'll do it. To keep an eye on Shampoo if nothing
else...She's gonna try something. I can smell it.
Mousse: No doubt Ranma has already said yes. So who was the man under
the table?
Akane: Ranma's grandfather.
Mousse: Hmm. Doesn't look like him at all.
Akane: Ranma doesn't look much like his dad at all...or act like him,
thank the gods.
Mousse: Indeed.
***********************************************************************
[Somewhere in the mountains, we see a flying boat rising into the sky.
It is pointing east. Then the wind catches the sails and it does a 180,
heading west, deeper into the mountains. The crew, a bunch of Chinese
people in vaguely medieval garb curse loudly as the "captain" panics.]
Mint: I told you we should have just swum to China! But, Nooooooo, you
had to go steal a flying boat just cause you're too lazy to swim!
"Captain" Lime: We were commanded to catch the thieves before they reach
Japan if possible!
Mint: If we'd just chased them cross country, we'd have them by now!
[Far below, we can see a bunch of tiny figures waving their fists at the
departing boat]
Mint: Now Prince Kirin is going to hunt us to the ends of the EARTH!!!
"Captain" Lime: Maybe we just forgot something...Mizzenmasts...Something
about Mizzenmasts.
Mint: You wouldn't know a mizzenmast if it bit you on the nose.
"Captain" Lime: They're carniverous?
Mint: I think I'm going to go cry now.
[The boat continues to drift west as Kirin and the rest of the Seven
Lucky Gods shout impotent curses.]
*************************************************************************
[We see Nabiki and Ryouga in her room, sitting on her bed, listening to
some music.]
Nabiki: Do you really have to go?
Ryouga: I gotta find my parents. If we're going to be married...I mean,
[pauses] You do want to marry me, right?
Nabiki: [freezes up and passes out again]
Ryouga: ... [shakes Nabiki gently. She wakes up.] You okay, Nabiki-chan?
Nabiki: I...married? Now?
Ryouga: Well, eventually...I mean, not right this minute. You'll
probably graduate from college by the time we could actually get my
parents to meet yours, set up the wedding, and then actually GET to the
wedding...
Nabiki: [laughs faintly] I'm not ready to get married.
Ryouga: I...
Nabiki: [more seriously] Not because I don't like you, Ryouga. I just
don't want to get married until I'm out of this house and out of school.
I want to be able to support myself.
Ryouga: I'll take care of you!
Nabiki: If you're around.
Ryouga: ...
Nabiki: I hate to say this, Ryouga-kun, but if anyone going to support
us, it's going to have to be me. I don't want to be a housewife, and
I'll need to be able to support myself if you get lost for months at a time.
Ryouga: Hey, I haven't been lost for more than a few days at a time, lately!
Nabiki: [thinking] Only for you, would that be an accomplishment. [out
loud] Why are you in such a rush to get married, anyway?
Ryouga: ...
Nabiki: You haven't even thought about it, have you.
Ryouga: I...uh, well...
Nabiki: It's not like we have to wait to...[smiles at him]
Ryouga: [smiles back nervously and faints, nosebleeding at his own thoughts]
Nabiki: We're gonna have to work on that.
*********************************************************************
[Akane walks into the living room and is rather startled to see Kasumi
and Gosunkugi talking.]
Kasumi: So the plane reservations are set up?
Gosunkugi: Hai. She's supposed to meet us at the airport.
Akane: Where are you going?
Kasumi: Gosunkugi-san's sensei and my pen-pal live in the same town, so
we're going to be travelling together to go see them.
Akane: [blinks]
Gosunkugi: Akemi's coming with us too.
Akane: That's nice. Oh wait, I remember now. How long are you going to
be gone, Kasumi?
Kasumi: About a month. Luckily, Mrs. Saotome and Saotome-mama-sama
agreed to take over my duties in my absence. It'll be easier once the
Saotomes move back to Mrs. Saotome's house, anyway.
Akane: [blinks] Oh yeah, she wants to move them out...we are getting
overcrowded. [pauses] Did Dad really sleep on the roof?
Kasumi: Not after tonight. They're moving their stuff back to Mrs.
Saotome's house right now.
Akane: [shakes her head] I must be out of touch...maybe I'd better go
take a nap. [turns and leaves. Gosunkugi watches her go]
Kasumi: Hard to let go, ne?
Gosunkugi: [starts] I...uh...
Kasumi: [smiles] I haven't had a vacation in so long...This is going to
be great!
Gosunkugi: Yeah. Maybe I'll even get a tan...
Kasumi: [thinks] If anyone could tell.
*************************************************************************
[We see Ranma sitting on the porch of the dojo as the sun sets.]
Akane: [comes out and sits down next to him] Your mom just up and
decided now was the time?
Ranma: I think she wanted to get my grandparents out of your
hair...They...umm...They make Dad look really good, sometimes.
Akane: They don't seem that much different from your dad.
Ranma: That's because they do the same things he does, but they get away
with it.
Akane: ...
Ranma: He's their only child. Well, the only one still alive. I
remember meeting my aunt once when I was really little. I think she got
poisoned accidentally.
Akane: How did that happen?
Ranma: Food poisoning. Kind of like... [falls silent]
Akane: Well, you're not going that far away.
Ranma: Yeah, I know. Maybe your dad will finally be able to get some
students if I'm not around to get the place trashed all the time.
Akane: [leans over and puts an arm around Ranma] Well, I'll expect you
to come over here for some less violent activities.
[They lean towards each other to kiss, only to have a shout break the
silence.]
Kunou: Wretched Saotome, making time with my beloved huntress Akane is a
sin not to be allowed while I draw breath!
Ranma: [leaps to his feet] Well, I can fix that!
[They start pummeling each other.]
Akane: Then again, things may not change at all...
**************************************************************************
[We see Saotome-sama and Saotome-mama-sama going through the Saotome
family living room with a clipboard, looking at things.]
Saotome-san: Couch. Brown, plush, removable cushions. I'd estimate
80,000 yen value due to some aging. [Saotome-mama-sama makes notes on the
clipboard.]
[Ranma walks in.]
Ranma: Planning what to take with you when you leave?
Saotome-sama: [distracted] Yes. [blinks] Oh, hi, grandson.
Ranma: [sighs] You two never change, do you...
Saotome-sama: You'd be disappointed if we did.
Saotome-mama-sama: I bet you wish you didn't have to move out of your
fiancee's house.
Ranma: [blinks] How'd you know that? [pauses] I mean, what makes you
think that?
Saotome-san: [laughs and sits down] You and your father are both open
books. A small child could read your innermost thoughts, because you've
never really learned how to hide them well. That's why your father
abandoned our traditional ways and became a martial artist.
Ranma: [blinks] But you're a martial artist. Pop's taught me all the
traditional family techniques.
Saotome-sama: I doubt it. You can't teach what you haven't learned. I'm
not a martial artist, anyway. I'm a person who knows martial arts.
There is a difference.
Ranma: Pop tells me stories about how you trained him!
Saotome-sama: Perhaps my son learned more from me than I thought.
Ranma: [confused] What's that supposed to mean?
Saotome-mama-sama: [finishes making notes on the clipboard and sits
down, gesturing for Ranma to sit] Your father learned the fundamentals
of martial arts from me, and some of the Saotome family wisdom. But most
of our family's skills were beyond his ken. He tries to be a proper
Saotome, but he is simply incapable. I don't know where we went wrong...
Saotome-sama: That Tendo fellow was a bad influence on him. Would be
Samurai always are.
Ranma: A bad influence? Happousai, yes...Soun no.
Saotome-sama: We should never have apprenticed him to Happousai.
Saotome-mama-sama: We were desperate! [waves her hands about] It was
clear he'd never make it in our business.
Saotome-sama: I never thought he'd stick it out with Happousai. I
didn't think anyone had that kind of willpower. Especially him.
Ranma: You expected him to give up, come home, and become a ...whatever
you expected of him?
Saotome-mama-sama: [pats her husband on the back] Your father never
understood how stubborn our son can be.
Ranma: [quietly] I guess you're not happy he didn't raise me to follow
your ways either.
Saotome-san: We're proud of you, Ranma. Your father has made something
greater than himself. The important thing is to find what you are and be
it. Your father has never been able to decide whether he is a martial
artist or a follower of the five fingered path like us.
Ranma: Five Fingered Path?
Genma: [appears behind his father and glowers] As in five fingered
discount. [brandishes a wallet]
Saotome-san: You've been practicing, I see! In the old days, you'd have
gotten caught by the mousetrap. Now, if you give me back my wallet, I'll
give you yours. [brandishes Genma's wallet. Genma blinks. We see he is
concealing a hand behind his back with a mousetrap stuck on it.]
Ranma: [checks his pocket. His wallet is still there. He breathes a
sigh of relief, then realizes it is full of monopoly money.] Hey, my money!
Saotome-mama-sama: [tosses Ranma his money] You need to be more alert.
Nodoka: [in the doorway, frowning] You need to learn to keep your hands
out of people's pockets.
Saotome-san: A talent unused is a talent wasted.
Nodoka: A thief caught is a thief strung up by the thumbs and slowly
basted over an open fire.
Saotome-san: Do not taunt the fox in its lair.
Nodoka: Rather, light a fire outside it and let him choke on the smoke
or come out and die.
[The two of them are now standing about six inches from each other,
despite not having moved that we could see. Nodoka is glowing red, while
Saotome-san glows blue. Genma wrings his hands ineffectually, while
Ranma sprints over.]
Ranma: Calm down! This is all a ...a...something or another.
Genma: Father...
Saotome-san: In elder times, an insolent daughter-in-law could be cast
out to live on the street.
Nodoka: In elder times, rats were fed poison. This hasn't changed.
Saotome-mama-sama: [shouts] ENOUGH! [Everyone turns and looks] One
more pseudo-proverbial veiled statement and I'm going to scream until all
the glass in the house breaks!
Ranma: One more what?
Saotome-san: She is woman, let us not hear her roar. [sits back down]
Nodoka: Dinner is served. [turns and stalks out. Genma runs after her.]
[We see Nodoka and Genma in the kitchen.]
Nodoka: So when do we kick out your parents?
Genma: [blinks] We want to KEEP our possessions, especially now that
you foolishly let them know where you have been living.
Nodoka: [blinks] I...
Genma: Remember the last time you got impatient and kicked them out?
Nodoka: ...
Genma: I think we got to keep the sheets on the bed we were in...
Nodoka: Why don't you do something about them?
Genma: Why don't you do something about YOUR parents?
Nodoka: ...
Genma: [sighs] Well, it is nice to be home...
Nodoka: [smiles] Well, maybe they'll reform one day.
Genma: Maybe the Chinese will restore the Imperial line to the throne
tomorrow. Maybe the Pope will become a Mormon. Maybe we'll strike oil
under our house. Maybe...
Nodoka: [sighs] A woman can dream, can't she?
*********************************************************************
[We see Shampoo and Mousse at the front door of the Tendo house. It is
early in the morning. They knock and Kasumi answers the door.]
Shampoo: We here to get Ranma and Akane.
Kasumi: Well, Akane is here, but Ranma moved out.
Shampoo: Ranma moved out?
Kasumi: Yes.
Shampoo: But Shampoo NEED Ranma.
Kasumi: I'm aware of how you feel about him.
Shampoo: No, no, Shampoo REALLY NEED Ranma.
Kasumi: Yes, yes, I understand.
Mousse: She means Ranma and Akane were suppposed to help us with our
tests today.
Kasumi: Oh. Well, I'll get Akane. She knows how to get to where Ranma
is now.
************************************************************************
[Shampoo and Mousse lead Ranma and Akane into the Nekohanten. It looks
like an ancient Chinese temple now, barely recognizable as the shop they
all know so well. A huge statue of a blindfolded Amazon with a scales
and a bonbori sits by one wall, next to two doors. Much of the dining
room has been converted into a large open area with three circles traced
out on the floor. Large chinese characters are painted all over the
place. There is a large mounted torch in the middle of the room. Shelf
and his two assistants stand by the statue.]
Shelf: <You have come. It is good. Shower Cap will be here soon.>
Shampoo: <What is SHE doing here?>
Shelf: <Well, Cologne SHOULD be playing that role, but since my wife has
decided to take a romantic fling with a [trails off into chinese
obscenities].>
Ranma: What are they talking about?
Mousse: My Great-Aunt will be playing the role of senior female judge,
since Cologne is...gone.
Ranma: That's good for you, right?
Mousse: My Great-Aunt likes to talk about how she should have killed the
rest of her family a long time ago.
Ranma: ...
Mousse: You should hear what she says when she's drunk.
Ranma: She says that when she's sober?
Mousse: She is sometimes sober, yes.
Ranma: So she's going to judge this?
[A tall, gaunt chinese woman dressed in an outfit similar to that usually
worn by Cologne walks in. She has a half-empty bottle of Sake in one
hand. Shelf sighs.]
Shelf: [bows slightly] Greetings Matriarch Shower Cap.
Shower Cap: That should be a half-bow, not a head nod, BOY!
Shelf: I'm seventy five years older than you.
Shower Cap: [cackles] And seventy five pounds heavier! HAHAHAHA!!!!
Mousse: Hello, Great Aunt Shower Cap.
Shower Cap: [whaps him on the head] You left off my title, BOY!
Mousse: Hello, Great Aunt Matriarch Shower Cap of the Inner Circle, seat
of Golden Wisdom.
Shower Cap: [takes a swig of sake] Well, they couldn't make a decent
arrowhead to save their lives in this country, but the Alcohol is great!
[pauses] What language am I speaking right now?
Shelf: Sanskrit.
Shower Cap: Wow! I've gotten the gift of tongues!
Akane: [to Ranma] This is the judge?
Shower Cap: [hurls a shampoo bottle at Akane's head. Akane gets knocked
down.] You will address me as Her Imperial Majesty, the most high Judge
of the tests of Adulthood, Great Aunt Matriarch...uh...wait, I forgot
something.
Shampoo: Most amazing drunkard of Amazon village, Shower Cap of the line
of Andromeda.
Shower Cap: Most amazing drunkard of Amazon Village, Sh...hey!
Shampoo: [dodges the hurled shampoo bottle] How you afford so much
shampoo, anyway?
Shelf: [sarcastically] She reedeems sake bottle caps to get it.
Shower Cap: How'd you know that?
[Everyone facefaults.]
********************************************************************
[Akane and Mousse are standing in one of the circles, while Shampoo and
Ranma stand in a second, and the various Amazons stand in the third circle.]
Shower Cap: Is everyone ready?
Shampoo: <I was born ready.>
Ranma: I guess so.
Mousse: Of course.
Akane: Yes.
Shower Cap: Damn. Was hoping to catch you off guard.
[Everyone facefaults.]
Shower Cap: Let the challenges begin! [She pulls a lever and dumps
Mousse and Akane into the basement. A second lever dumps Ranma and
Shampoo into another part of the basement. She smiles.] It's showtime!
*******************************************************
[Ranma and Shampoo fall through darkness into...water. Instant girl and
cat. Shampoo's glasses promptly sink. The lights come on. They are in
a giant tub of water with floating platforms. There are eight platforms
and each one has a metal circle hanging from a rope over them.]
Shower Cap: You have one hour to get all eight metal circles down. Good
luck. You'll need it.
Ranma-chan: [leaps up on a platform. It sinks beneath the waves.] Gaah...
Shampoo-neko: [clambers up on another one and meows] Mew?
Ranma-chan: [sees Shampoo-neko] AAAAAAAAAA!!!!! [starts swimming away
from Shampoo-neko, who swims after her. This goes on for a very long time.]
*****************************************************************************
[Akane and Mousse fall through darkness into...water. Instant duck.
The lights come on. They are in a giant tub of water with floating
platforms. There are eight platforms and each one has a metal circle
hanging from a rope over them.]
Shower Cap: You have one hour to get all eight metal circles down. Good
luck. You'll need it.
MuMuu-chan: [flies up and grabs the first ring, then the second and
tucks them away under his feathers.] Quack!
Akane: [tries to cling to one of the platforms. It sinks] Ahh!!!!!!
[flounders, unable to stay afloat]
MuMuu-chan: [looks down, thinks] Uh oh.
****************************************************************************
[An hour later. Shower Cap and Shelf open the two trap doors. Down in
one room, they can see the tub has been ripped apart, and Ranma-chan is
curled up on the floor asleep, while Shampoo-neko is trying to climb the
walls to get to the rings. In the other chamber, Akane is clinging to
the side of the tub and Mousse-duck is perched next to her with all the
rings.]
Shower Cap: Eh? Where'd Mousse go?
Shelf: He's the duck.
Shower Cap: And Shampoo is that cat?
Shelf: Yes.
Shower Cap: How'd a pair of animals get into our tribe?
Shelf: JYUSENKYO! [whap whap whaps Shower Cap with his staff]
Shower Cap: You wanna fight, eh? [bounces a blow dryer off his head]
Akane: Can't you get us out of here first?
Shelf and Shower Cap: NO!!!!
***********************************************************************
[Much later, the four test takers have been extracted from the pits and
restored to sanity...such as they ever are sane, anyway. They are back
in the circles.]
Shower Cap: You now must face the mental test. Who would like to go first?
[Mousse raises his hand.]
Shower Cap: Shampoo, your question first. As I was going to Shanghai, I
met a man with seven wives. Every wife had seven bags, and every bag had
seven cats. Every cat had seven mice, and every mouse had his own
house. The mice all rented their houses as tenement housing to an
average of five people per room. [Shampoo's eyes are beginning to glaze
over. Ranma looks really nervous.] The average house held six rooms
suitable for holding people, plus a kitchen. Thirty percent of their
tenants were travelling with them to pay their rent as labor. How many
people were going to Shanghai?
Ranma: Uh...were the mice houses inhabited by humans or mice?
Shampoo: Shampoo kill evil man for making seven women marry him and
keeping all those cats as slaves!
Shelf: [thinks] They're doomed.
Shower Cap: That doesn't answer the question.
Shampoo: The only person going to Shanghai is you, cause Shampoo is
gonna beat up the man and liberate all his slaves!
Ranma: ...
Shower Cap: ...
Shelf: That's correct. Only one person is going to Shanghai. Shampoo
passes the test, right Shower Cap?
Shower Cap: ...
Mousse: Do we get our test now?
Shower Cap: Yes.
[Silence.]
Mousse: Well?
Shower Cap: Guess what I'm thinking.
Akane: How are we supposed to guess that?
Shelf: That's hardly fair, Shower Cap.
Shower Cap: Fair is for losers and cocaine addicts.
Mousse: How long do we have to figure this out?
Akane: Maybe it's a trick question, like if she doesn't ever actually think.
[Shower cap throws a bottle of soft soap at Akane, who narrowly dodges.]
Shower Cap: You have until this is finished. [turns on a tape recording
of the Jeopardy song. Na na na na na na na, na na na na, na na na na na...]
[Akane and Mousse bigsweat]
Mousse: You're thinking about how you really wish you were drinking
instead of doing this test.
Shower Cap: No.
Akane: You're thinking we're going to fail the test.
Shower Cap: I hope so, but no.
Shampoo: Shower Cap dreaming about making love to Sake bottle.
Shower Cap: I wi...hey! [bounces a bottle of cologne off Shampoo's
head, knocking her out and giving her a new scent.]
Akane: You're thinking...Rosebud was his sled!
Shower Cap: ...
Shelf: What?
Akane: Umm, I am the Eggman, googa googa joob?
Mousse: You're contemplating the sound that a tree makes when it falls
on your head. Which you didn't notice because you were drunk. [dodges,
expecting a thrown object] What, you're not going to hit me?
[The Jeopardy music stops.]
Shower Cap: Why bother hitting you when I can tell you you failed!
Failed! Failed! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Mousse: That was completely unfair!
Shower Cap: Life isn't fair. Drive fast. Play hard. Die with your
boots on and all that good stuff. Right. Final tests! Tests of the Spirit!
Shampoo: Shampoo hope you understand that not mean spirits you drink.
Mousse: Well, if it's a drinking contest against her, we're doomed.
Ranma: Hah. I bet she can't hold her liquor. Women never can.
Mousse: It has been nice knowing you, Saotome. When you die of alcohol
poisoning, I will come to your funeral.
Shampoo: Shampoo not want see Groom drink himself to death trying to
outdrinking biggest wino in China!
Shower Cap: Maybe later boy. I could drink you under the table while
dead. Okay. Mousse's test is that he has thirty minutes to get Shampoo
to tell him she loves him.
Mousse: ...
Shampoo: ...
Shelf: Interesting test choice.
Ranma: What is Shampoo's test?
Shower Cap: That would be telling.
Akane: I think you're in trouble, Mousse.
***********************************************************************
[Twenty five minutes have passed. Mousse has tried begging, singing
songs, reciting poetry, giving logical arguments, everything. Finally,
he slumps down.]
Shampoo: Mousse give up?
Shelf: Remember Mousse, if you fail this test, you will never be able to
marry Shampoo.
Shower Cap: Yep. You're better off that way, anyway, than marrying a
bone-headed bimbo like Shampoo. A bottle of Sake is smarter than she is
and better looking. I wouldn't be surprised if she's slept with half the
population of Japan while she's here. Well, if any of them have such bad
taste. [continues to rant]
Shampoo: Shampoo is not a bimbo! That's all lies!
Ranma: Hey, Shampoo's not that bad!
Akane: [to Mousse] Are you just gonna stand there and let her talk
about Shampoo like that? [thinks] Even if some of it is true.
Mousse: Shampoo is not a bimbo! If you weren't the judge of this, I'd
rip you apart for saying lies like that. [pauses] Umm. No offense, of
course.
Shower Cap: [grins evilly] Three minutes, Mousse.
Shampoo: If Mousse fail this, he fails test, right?
Shower Cap: Yes.
Shampoo: And you want him to fail, right?
Shower Cap: Perhaps you are not so stupid after all.
Shampoo: [evil grin] Shampoo love Mousse. Mousse pass. You never said
Shampoo had to mean it.
Shower Cap: ...
Ranma: Hah! Got you there, ya old drunken troll!
Mousse: ...
Akane: Yatta! We won!
Shelf: Truly you have been defeated, Shower Cap. Welcome to adulthood,
Mousse. Now it is time for Shampoo's test.
Shower Cap: Hnmm.
Shampoo: [glares at Shower Cap.] It not matter. Shower Cap will simply cheat and
design test Shampoo can't win. [turns to Ranma] Shampoo sorry she drag Airen into
this. Shampoo should have known Shower Cap would cheat.
Shower Cap: Cheat? Cheat? I didn't give you any of you an impossible task!
Akane: Oh, like guessing what you're thinking is a fair test.
Shower Cap: I never said FAIR! I just said the tests weren't impossible. If they
were, Mousse wouldn't have passed.
Ranma: Come on, Shampoo. Don't give up. I know you're not a quitter.
[thinks] Oh BOY, do I know that.
Shampoo: [adjusts her glasses nervously, thinking] If I fail this, I'll
be thrown out of the tribe and humiliated forever. She has to leave me
some kind of loophole...I have to win! I HAVE TO! [looks around the
room, thinking] There has to be some way to ...Hmmm. Now I've got an
idea. [out loud, in Chinese] Why don't we get something to eat before
we finish this? I bet you and Shelf are very hungry by now, Shower Cap.
Shower Cap: [in Mandarin] Yes, food would be good. [her stomach
grumbles] And I could do with a little more sake. [In Japanese] We're
going to take a food break, then do Shampoo's test.
Shampoo: [smiling with effort] Shampoo will make some yummy ramen for
everyone. Airen want anything special on his?
Ranma: ... [pauses] Well, if we're gonna eat, I could do with a LOT of
food. I'm really hungry.
Akane: We're going to just stop and eat?
Mousse: [smiles] Let me help you, Shampoo.
[They both head into the kitchen.]
Akane: How can you all think about FOOD?
Shelf: Food is important.
Shower Cap: I didn't make it to my age by starving.
Ranma: You did it by drinking too much, instead?
Shower Cap: Yes. [pauses] HEY! [starts chasing Ranma around the room]
***********************************************************************
[A little later, Shampoo has laid out an elaborate spread. Tons of
food. She then puts down plates of Ramen on the table. Each has a
different colored sauce on it. Ranma reaches for one.]
Shampoo: Airen, let Shampoo serve you. [She serves everyone from a
different plate]
Shelf: Thank you, Shampoo.
Ranma: [munches out] Thanks.
[Everyone eats up. Shower Cap starts singing some Amazon song about
pillaging Shanghai. Ranma blinks.]
Ranma: This some Amazon custom?
Shelf: She does this sometimes. Usually, when she's... [he stops and
looks over at Shampoo, raising an eyebrow]
Shampoo: [simply smiles] You ready for test now, Shower Cap?
Shower Cap: [singing] Oh, and Jackie Chan has nothing on me... [stops]
What? Hmm. Oh yeah. Test. Uhh...You must bark like a chicken.
Shelf: That's a test of the spirit?
Shower Cap: Good point. You have to deliver a sermon on the Amazon way,
including five quotations from the writings of...of...whoever that was.
Shelf: Sonny Bono?
Ranma: Sonny Bono?
Shower Cap: No, no, the other one.
Shelf: Joan Jett?
Akane: Joan Jett?
Shower Cap: Is there an echo in here? Oh yes, from the writings of
Hippolyta. Shelf, you handle this. I think I want...to SING! [runs off
singing some ballad in Chinese]
Shelf: Nice use of dehydrated alcohol. How did you cover up the smell?
Shampoo: [smiles] Shampoo put extra spices in hers.
Ranma: [looks nervously at his food]
Shampoo: Airen no have to worry! Shampoo only put it in Shower Cap's
food.
Ranma: [breathes a sigh of relief]
Shampoo: Shampoo put aphrodesiac in Airen's food.
[Ranma yelps and faints.]
Shampoo: Airen have no sense of humor. Well, time for Shampoo to preach
now. [pauses] Who should I preach to?
Shelf: Akane.
Akane: [blinks] Me?
Shelf: You're the only sober female here.
Shampoo: Hmm. Where to start. First Amazon virtue is courage. It...
************************************************************************
[Later, we see them all eating even MORE of the food. They've put up a
banner that says, "Congratulations on achieving adulthood!"]
Ranma: Congratulations, Shampoo.
Shampoo: [smiles] Shampoo so happy! Now Shampoo can marry Airen!
Ranma: [bigsweats] Uh...
Mousse: Now we can be married, Shampoo!
Akane: Ranma...
Ranma: I can't marry you, Shampoo!
Shelf: Why?
Ranma: Because I'm engaged to someone else!
Shelf: But not actually married yet, right?
Ranma: ...
Akane: He's marrying me!
Mousse: And Shampoo is marrying me!
Shampoo: Shampoo die first! [glomps onto Ranma] Nyaaah! [sticks her
tongue out at Mousse]
Mousse: SAOTOME!!!! [charges in. The usual brawl begins]
Shelf: Another lesson that adulthood does not equal maturity. [sighs
and pitches into the fray]
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu bailesu@komodo.hacks.arizona.edu
http://www.hacks.arizona.edu/~bailesu/falcon.html
http://www.dhp.com/~wraven/john/index.html
"It's good to kill the King." "I still think the Saxons should have
put a higher price on our heads. I'm more valuable than 25 librum."
--Frequent quotes from our PENDRAGON sessions.