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_ ___.-.__ /_ |
_ / \ _ (___ __) | |
| |\_/ / ` (___ __) |_|
| `--. / /_ .--` '-. =======
`---. |/ ) | .-. ._ \ .---.
.---' / /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. | The Varaiyah Cycle
`----'`-' `---'`---' .'.'
.'.'_ (formerly
(_____) The Nameless Saga)
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Ranma 1/2 and all characters and backstory in this Fanfic are the
creations and property of the illustrious Rumiko Takahashi-sama. Trust us
on that. The Nameless Saga was written by Mike Loader and far too much
coffee.
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HISTORICAL NOTE: The real USS Growler was one of the most celebrated
vessels of its kind. Although it had many exploits, the most interesting
for this group would probably be an attack in June of '42, in which it
torpedoed the Japanese destroyer H.I.I.S. Kasumi. The Growler was sunk in
1944 off China.
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EPISODE 5 - Ukyo vs. Okonomiyaki! Round One! Fight!
(We open on a street in Nerima. Ranma-chan and Akane are running
along it. After a while, they begin to slow.)
Ranma: (out of breath) I don't think she followed us.
Akane: (still in shock) My God, I just hit Kasumi...
Ranma: It's a good thing you did. She was about to kill me,
remember?
Akane: But...but what if I hurt her?
Ranma: Akane, I don't think anything short of a cruise missile
would hurt her at this point.
Akane: (miserably) I suppose so.
(They walk silently along for a few minutes.)
Ranma: (hesitantly) Look, Akane...that really wasn't Kasumi back
there. You know she'd never say or do the things she just did.
Akane: I know that, really. But it there was just enough of the real
Kasumi in her to...(she sighs)...I just wish didn't have to have hit
her.
Ranma: (miffed) You hit ME all the time, and never seem to mind.
Akane: That's different. You always deserve it.
Ranma: Huh. Violent tomboy.
Akane: (with a bit more spirit) Hentai.
(Ryoga enters from a sidestreet.)
Ranma: Look, it's P-Chan!
Akane: (looking around) Where?
Ranma: My mistake. It's just Ryoga.
Akane: Kasumi must have hit you in the head. How could you
mistake Ryoga for a small black pig?
Ranma: (innocently) Oh, I don't know. I've seen other people do it
before.
(Ryoga sees them, and dashes over.)
Ryoga: (flustered) Akane! You aren't hurt, are you?
Akane: (puzzled) No. Why would I be?
Ryoga: Well, Kasumi...(he stops, realizing "Ryoga" wasn't
there)...that is, uh, I mean....
Ranma: ...You found out that Kasumi and Nabiki are acting strange
and violent, and were worried?
Ryoga: (shoots a grateful look at Ranma) Yes, exactly.
Akane: We're both fine. I just wish I knew that father and Mr.
Saotome are too.
Ryoga: What's happened to Kasumi and Nabiki? I assume they both
didn't just wake up one day and decide to go psychotic and stalk
small, defenseless, harmless pigs?
Akane: P-Chan! What if he decides to go back to the dojo?
Ryoga: I don't think he'd do that.
Ranma: Listen to him, Akane. Ryoga knows how P-Chan thinks.
(Ryoga glares at him.)
Akane: Well...all right. As for what happened, it's a long story.
Ranma: ...But in the end, it's all Akane's fault.
(Akane glares at him.)
Ryoga: Tell me about it, Akane.
Akane: I'd be glad to.
(They both turn their backs on Ranma, and begin to walk away,
talking.)
Ranma: Hey! Wait up!
(He runs after them. Scene changes to a old wharf. Shampoo and
Kodachi are sitting on the edge.)
Shampoo: What we waiting for?
Kodachi: The boat. The Kuno family is very active in the salvage
industry, and I secured our transportation through this fact.
Shampoo: Crazy Rose Lady get good boat, I hope.
Kodachi: These are ro...(she breaks off) Shampoo! You got it right!
Shampoo: So did you....Kodachi.
(They sit for a few more seconds. Suddenly, a periscope rises
from the waters off the coast.)
Shampoo: (rising and pointing) What that?
Kodachi: (also standing) That, Shampoo, is our boat.
(The periscope rises, as does the conning tower it is attached to.
As Shampoo and Kodachi watch, the sub rises to the surface and
pulls alongside the wharf.)
Shampoo: (amazed) You got us a sub? How?
Kodachi: Like I said, the Kunos are active in the salvage industry.
The old USS Growler here was decommissioned in 1946, and spent
the next 50 years in a two-bit naval museum in Florida. The
museum went broke, the Growler was sold for scrap, and we
bought it.
Shampoo: It still work?
Kodachi: I've had it restored and modernized. It should run like a
dream.
(The hatch opens, and Sasuke, outfitted in a gaudy naval uniform,
sticks his head out.)
Sasuke: (saluting) Ready to depart, Mistress-Captain Kuno!
Kodachi: Excellent! (she gives an ornate bow to Shampoo) After
you.
Shampoo: Thank you.
(She leaps aboard. Kodachi follows, and the two descend through
the main hatch. As the sub submerges, we zoom in on the name
_Searose_ painted on the bow. Switch to the bridge. The Kuno
family ninjas, dressed in slightly less flamboyant versions of
Sasuke's uniform, are manning the various control stations.
Sasuke is standing in the middle of it all, gesturing and barking
orders. No one seems to be paying any attention to him. Shampoo
and Kodachi are sitting in a pair of deckchairs towards the rear of
the bridge, playing Maj-Jongg.)
Shampoo: How we know when Ranma leave if we in here?
Kodachi: I have one of our agents watching the harbor. When they
try to leave, he'll notify us via radio. Then, after they are out on
the ocean, we shall strike! AhAHAhahAhaHahAHaHAha. Your move,
dear.
Shampoo: (musing) ya-ta-ta...(moves piece) 1 - shanten.
(Switch to Ranma, Ryoga, and Akane walking along a street in
Nerima.)
Akane: ...And that's the story. Unless we get this Temerrit stuff to
Kasumi and Nabiki within two weeks, they're as good as dead.
Ranma: We're going to try and find Pop and Mr. Tendo, and then get
a boat.
Ryoga: I shall come with you! The name Varaiyah sounds vaguely
familiar; perhaps I've been there in my travels.
Ranma: Oh joy.
(We hear a scream in the background.)
Akane: (startled) What was that?
Ranma: Only one way to find out!
(He dashes off in the direction of the scream. Ryoga and Akane
follow. After turning a corner, they stop dead. The amorphous
thing is rampaging along the street, liberally festooned with
undergarments. Screaming women, some with newly rearranged
wardrobes, are running in all directions.)
Ryoga: What the hell is that?
Ranma: Dunno...it looks like something Akane would cook.
(Out comes the mallet. Akane, unseen to Ranma, prepares to send
him into low earth orbit.)
Ranma: (snapping his fingers) Wait a minute! It IS something
Akane cooked! That's the runaway dinner!
(The mallet halts an inch from Ranma's head. Akane sheepishly
puts it back into malletspace just before Ranma turns to face
her.)
Ranma: (amazed) You wanted us to eat THAT?
Akane: (defensively) Hey! It didn't look like that when I cooked it!
Ryoga: Why is it covered with bras?
(They stare at the thing for a second.)
Ranma: Nice going, Akane. You didn't just create a monster, you
created a Hentai Okonomiyaki Monster. Who taught you how to
cook, Happosai?
Akane: (angry) WELL EXCUSE ME! Like any monster you created
would be any better!
Ranma: If I did create one, which, I might add, I wouldn't, mine
wouldn't look like a cross between Uk-Chan's and Victoria's
Secret!
Akane: RANMA NO BA....
Ryoga: (nervously breaking in) Er, excuse me but, uh, it's
_looking_ at us....
(Ranma and Akane break off, and turn to regard the thing. It is
somehow managing to stare at them without eyes.)
Ryoga: (in a small voice) I wonder if that's a friendly stare or a
how-would-they-taste stare?
Ranma: I don't think it's either, actually.
Thing: Wwhoogharrrgghh....Pppprreeettttyyyyy Laaaadddiiiessss...
Ranma: (upset) Hey! Who're you calling a lady?
(The thing charges.)
Ryoga: Nice going, Saotome.
(He whips out his umbrella, snaps it open, and sends it whirling
along the ground towards the creature. It slices a large cut in the
creature, who gives a howl of pain.)
Ryoga: Ha! Piece of cake.
(The cut reseals. The thing is still charging.)
Ryoga: Whoops.
(He stands his ground, snapping out the beltblade. As the creature
charges him, he begins hacking bits off it. Ranma charges into the
fray.)
Ranma: Watch this, Ryoga! TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!
(He rains the usual ridiculous amount of punches on the creature.
The thing doesn't seem to notice.)
Ryoga: (being slowly driven back) Wonderful, Ranma. That was
just wonderful.
Akane: It's not solid, Ranma! Impact doesn't hurt it!
Ranma: (ducking a pseudopod) Great! It's gonna take Ryoga here a
few centuries to slice up that thing!
Ryoga: (angrily) I'm doing my best, damnit.....
(Distracted, he fails to see a pseudopod go in low and wrap around
his leg.)
Akane: Ryoga, look out!
Ryoga: Huh? (the pseudopod begins to retract, jerking him off his
feet.) Hey! Let go!
(He begins to hack at the pseudopod with the beltblade. Ranma,
seeing him down, is trying to get to him. He's being slowed,
however, by the need to dodge the dozens of pseudopods aimed at
him.)
Ryoga: (through gritted teeth) I could really use some help here...
(Suddenly, a throwing spatula whizzes through the air, slicing of
the pseudopod holding Ryoga. Pan across the street to where Ukyo,
Soun, and Genma have just arrived.
Ukyo: (doing the Blue Aura Thing From Hell) At last we meet,
Okonomiyaki! Prepare to meet your end!
(She charges, tossing a small hail of spatulas. With a roar of pain,
the thing charges to meet her.)
Thing: WWWHHOOOOAARRGGHHH!!
Ukyo: First you get the shape right.....
(Whipping out the combat spatula, she neatly flips the charging
thing over her head and into the ground behind her. It gets a flat,
pancakelike shape.)
Ukyo: (in a dreamy, singsong voice) ....then you prepare the grill..
(She throws a spatula at a pair of power cables overhead,
severing them. The ends fall atop a air vent grating, which begins
to crackle with voltage.)
Ukyo: Then you cook it.....
(She spatula-flips the thing onto the grating. It begins to spasm
and bubble.)
Ukyo: And finally, you slice it into bite size pieces!
(She walks over, pulls out a rubber-handled mid-range spatula,
and quickly hacks the thing up. The others just stare.)
Ukyo: Hungry, anyone?
Ranma: (disbelieving voice) That must have taken up all of 20
seconds. How...
Ukyo: My art is swift and sure, especially if you're a Giant
Animated Hentai Okonomiyaki. That was exactly the sort of thing I
was trained for.
Akane: (incredulous) You were trained to kill giant living
okonomiyaki?
(One of the lumps of thing starts to move.)
Ukyo: Hold on.
(She hefts her spatula, and walks over, preparing to finish it.
Suddenly Happosai springs out of the lump and glomps her.)
Happosai: Free! Free!
Ukyo: (turning to Soun and Genma) You see? It can tell the
difference!
Happosai: What? No bra?
(She brings the spatula up in an arc, sending Happosai into the
stratosphere.)
Ukyo: Well, that's that.
Ranma: Not quite. (notices Soun and Genma) Pop, Mr. Tendo! Kasumi
didn't hurt you, did she?
(Soun bursts out crying.)
Genma: I'd rather not talk about it.
Ukyo: (puzzled) Why would Kasumi hurt them, Ranchan? I don't
think Kasumi would hurt a fly.
Ranma: (grimly) She almost killed me a few minutes ago. If Akane
hadn't been so quick with her hammer, I wouldn't be here.
Ukyo: What brought this on?
Ranma: I'll explain on the way to the harbor.
(Cut to the sub's bridge. Kodachi and Shampoo are still playing
their game.)
Kodachi: ...and the little slut called me a psycho, right there!
Shampoo: What did you do?
Kodachi: I denied it, then broke both her kneecaps.
Shampoo: (giggles) That so appropriate!
Kodachi: (also giggling) Isn't it?
(Sasuke approaches, holding a piece of paper.)
Sasuke: Word from our agent, Mistress-Captain Kuno. Ranma and a
group of others are attempting to charter a boat!
Kodachi: Others? What others?
Sasuke: Akane Tendo, Ukyo Kuonji,....
Shampoo: THEM! Those weak, puny....
Kodachi: ...sniveling little tramps! What are they doing with him?
Sasuke: Trying to save Nabiki and Kasumi, I think.
Kodachi: A likely story! No, they're trying to get close to Ranma!
Shampoo: I not know why he just not tell them to go away.
Kodachi: He's engaged to them. Not by his choice, of course, but
Ranma dear takes these things so seriously.
Shampoo: Yes, Ranma is very honorable....
Kodachi: (with narrowed eyes) Of course, If they were gone,
Ranma would be free to marry one of us.
Shampoo: Sea travel very dangerous. (grins) Your move, Ko-chan.
Kodachi: (also grinning) So it is.
(Scene changes to a harbor. Fishing boats, freighters, and the
occasional pleasure craft can be seen riding at anchor. Ranma,
back to male form, and Co. are wandering around one of the less
savory parts of the dockside. They pull to a stop before a
dilapidated waterfront dive.)
Genma: (solemnly) The Mermaid's Armpit. You will never find a
more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Soun: They have a good salad bar, though.
Ranma: (openly skeptical) Do you really expect us to find a boat in
there?
Genma: No, not really. But I'm hungry. You might as well try to find
a captain willing to take us while Tendo and I finish our meal.
(They enter. The inside is filled with pipesmoke and sailors. The
floor is buried under sawdust, and the walls are liberally
festooned with nautical objects. A battered stuffed dolphin hangs
from a rafter, with a harpoon protruding from it. Everyone but
Soun and Genma stares at the place in disgust.)
Ukyo: People actually come in here willingly?
Genma: Most of them. Excuse us...
(He and Soun walk over to the bar, and begin chatting with the
bartender, who seems to know them. Ranma shrugs.)
Ranma: Well, we might as well try to find someone.
Ryoga: I don't know....I've been around, and I've never found
anywhere I'd rather leave without making friends.
Akane: (impatiently) We aren't here to look for wedding guests;
we need a boat. (she grabs a passing sailor) Excuse me, sir?
Sailor: Arr?
Akane: Do you know where we could hire a boat?
Sailor: (nodding and cackling) Arr, arrhargh.
Akane: Excuse me?
Sailor: (pointing vaguely towards the back) Arrgh, har har.
Akane: Do you speak Japanese?
Sailor: Arr. Avast. Arrgh.
Akane: Right. Uh, thanks.
Sailor: Arr.
(Ukyo has walked over to a table where four scruffy-looking
Gaijin are drinking.)
Ukyo: Excuse me, but do any of you know where I could hire a
boat?
Gaijin 1: Oi dunno. Lotsa places.
Gaijin 2: But if ya want a good seaman atta low price, I'd try
Shinshiro Kuga. He's the man I'd be hirin' if I had ta take an ocean
voyage.
Gaijin 3: Ditto.
Ukyo: Where can I find him?
Gaijin 4: (pointing) Right over there, in the far booth. You should
find his rates reasonable.
Ukyo: Thanks a lot.
Gaijin 4: (smiles) Don't mention it.
(Ukyo walks over to Ranma, who is talking to a elderly fisherman.)
Fisherman: That was right after the great storm of '32, or was it
'62? I forget. It was right before Yuichi caught the haddock in the
spring of....
(Ranma's eyes have glazed over. Ukyo shakes him.)
Ranma: (waking) Huh? What is it?
Ukyo: Those Gaijin over there say that a Mr. Kuga is the best for
the price.
Ranma: What Gaijin?
(Ukyo turns to point, and sees that the table is empty.)
Ukyo: (puzzled) They were there a minute ago....
Ranma: Never mind. Did they tell you where to find him?
Ukyo: That booth over there, under the fake crabs.
Ranma: Okay. Let's check him out.
(They approach the booth. A large, heavyset man is drinking a
noxious looking concoction. He looks up as they come.)
Kuga: (booming voice) Ho there! What the @$#@&%! do you want?
Ranma: (dubious) Er, are you Captain Kuga?
Kuga: Damn right, boy.
Ranma: We need to hire a boat.
Kuga: (narrowing his eyes) Do you? What for?
Ranma: We need to get to China.
Kuga: (laughing) Boy, you don't want to go to China. Trust me on
that.
Ranma: (evenly) I believe I'll be the judge of that. And don't call
me boy.
Kuga: It's got teeth! So you want to go to China, eh? That's not
very specific. It's a big place.
Ranma: The name of the province is Varaiyah.
(Kuga inhales sharply and turns pale.)
Kuga: Look. I only think you don't want to go to China, but I
_know_ I don't want to go to Varaiyah. That's a good place for
catching a bad case of dead.
Ranma: It's a matter of life and death.
Kuga: It'll be your death, if you go. They're nuts over there. You
wouldn't last a minute.
Ukyo: Come on, Ranma. We're wasting our time here. He's obviously
too afraid to be of any use.
Kuga: (standing) Now just wait a *$%#@^&! minute! Captain
Shinshiro Kuga is afraid of nothing on this earth!
Ranma: You're sure doing a good impression of it, then.
Kuga: Look here, pup. I've run the coast patrols of China for 30
years. I've landed nine groups at Varaiyah, and not one of them
ever returned. It's you I'm concerned about.
Ranma: We can take care of ourselves.
Kuga: Funny, it seems I've heard that about nine times before.
Ranma: Look, you're the best captain in these parts, right?
Kuga: Believe it.
Ranma: If you don't take us, we'll just have to get someone else.
That way, we might not even make it to Varaiyah.
Kuga: Hmm. (pauses) You really are determined to do this, aren't
you?
Ranma: (quietly) The lives of two people who mean a lot to me are
riding on this.
(Kuga thinks for a second, and then gives a rueful chuckle.)
Kuga: I like your spirit, boy. Okay, I'll take you. 500,000 yen.
Ranma: Deal. Let me get the others. How soon can we leave?
Kuga: Let me just finish my drink. How many passengers am I
taking?
Ukyo: Six.
Kuga: There's three cabins. Meet me at pier 94 in fifteen minutes.
Ranma: (repeating) 94. Right. We'll be there.
(Scene changes to the street in front of the dojo. Happosai is
bouncing back towards it, a huge bag slung over one shoulder.)
Happosai: Hehe! Whatta haul! I wonder if Ranma and Akane are
back.
(He bounds up to the door, and knocks loudly. Kasumi answers.)
Kasumi: (cheerful as always) Why hello, Master Happosai!
Beautiful evening, isn't it?
Happosai: It sure is, honey. Is everyone back yet?
Kasumi: No...they all ran off somewhere.
(Happosai looks disappointed, then brightens.)
Happosai: Oh well. I suppose I'll have to make do with what's at
hand. (lecherous grin) Anything to eat?
Kasumi: Roast duck. (her expression goes predatory for a second)
Put up quite a fight, it did....would you like some?
Happosai: That's me girl!
(He bounds into the house. Kasumi gives an angelic smile, and
closes the door.)
END OF EPISODE 5
Next - EPISODE 6 - Slow U-boat to China