On Sat, 7 Sep 1996, Mousse Lee wrote:

        Can't help you with a title, don't know where you're going with
this story yet.  Besides, a title is something an author should create for
himself.  It's one of the advantages of being a writer.

	Yeah... but I suck at it! :(  Well, I'll think of something...
 

his lips.  The fathers were playing shogi, enjoying tall glasses of
iced tea and the weekend sun, as Nabiki read a book, stretched out
luxuriously on a lawnchair, listening to a new CD on her discman.

        This reminds me much of the second movie opener.  not sure about
the use of a lawnchair by Nabiki sitting around the house.

	Actually, they're supposed to be outside... guess I'll hafta 
clarify that.  Strange that you'd think of the 2nd movie... half way 
through writing it, I realised that I was pretty much copying the 
cooking-OAV.
 

        The openning indicates a summertime feel with the ice tea and Movie
2 imagery?  Overall many different seasonal feels are generated so far, but
by the wording we are left with Fall?

	Hmmm... guess I'll hafta clarify that at a bit.  Supposed to be fall.
 

female - was jumping around, screaming, something firmly attached
to her rear.  When she reached over to grab it, it slid to the

[snip]

losing her shirt in the process.  Well, maybe it _wasn't_ Ranma's

        Happy isn't much of an ass grabber, he's generally seen only going
for the breasts.  Also I thought Ranma was training shirtless.  What shirt
did Happy steal?  Again we have Movie 2 imagery

	Well, he snuck up from behind... so it seemed like the easiest 
first target... and I think I mentioned that Ranma pulled his shirt back 
on a bit earlier.
 

No.  Not everyone.  Akane  was missing.  And the tension in the
air... something was wrong, terribly, terribly wrong.

        Why is Akane missing at this point?

	Ummm.... crying in her room?  
 

    His words sounded obnoxious even to him in the resounding
silence that followed them.  There was a loud crack as a pencil
snapped in Nabiki's grip.

        She doesn't seem the type, and in fact the pencil itself seems out
of place.  Nabiki is cold, and in this story made more so.  This act, is it
done deliberately?  If not, I suggest removing it.

	I agree...
 

        I suppose that means this is a darkfic. 

	Is it?  I dunno... what's the dif. between, say, a darkfic, a 
sadfic, and just a 'fic?

felt.  [And yet, when Akane saw his eyes, she could tell, she
_knew_, what he was feeling: intense grief, burning shame, seething
anger.  Since when have I understood what going on in _his_ head?,
thought Akane, as both father and son stepped forward, kneeling
next to the bed.]

        What is the purpose of these brackets?

	Oops.  Editorial comment for me.  Stuff in brackets is stuff I'm 
not sure I want to keep or not.
 

        This seems to be a turning point for Nabiki, but the change seems
to occur too fast.  She goes from one moment worrying about the welfare of
her sister to a casual disregard for Mrs. Saotome (oh, and it's Mrs. not
Ms.)
        More time spent exporing her change could be helpful.

	The whole thing with Nabiki was a sub-plot that crept in by 
mistake.  I wasn't sure if I should bother expanding it or not.  Think so?
 

her...".  Never once did Ranma's father try to dodge, or block, or
break free - instead, he silently absorbed his son's rage, eyes
squeezed shut with pain.

    "Fuck off, Ryoga." snarled Ranma.
    Ryoga smirked and disappeared into the night.

        Ryouga has always been a sort of anchor for Ranma, his best and
constant rival, the one who tells him when he's being stupid.  Anyway, I
must sleep but I wanted to C&C this before it got shifted to the bottom of
my to do file.

	Hey, thanks!  Very helpful stuff...

	-Mike