Here's a new one.
       It's only part one... should have part two up by the end of the
weekend.  Any and all C&C appreciated... including suggestions for a
title!

        Can't help you with a title, don't know where you're going with
this story yet.  Besides, a title is something an author should create for
himself.  It's one of the advantages of being a writer.

-                              Mama Said, by Metallica

        Interesting quote, appropriate after reading the first part.  As
for the title something about 'mother' would be good unless your focus is
elsewhere.

his lips.  The fathers were playing shogi, enjoying tall glasses of
iced tea and the weekend sun, as Nabiki read a book, stretched out
luxuriously on a lawnchair, listening to a new CD on her discman.

        This reminds me much of the second movie opener.  not sure about
the use of a lawnchair by Nabiki sitting around the house.

beautiful day.  Behind him, a figure detached itself from the
shadows and skilfully crept toward Ranma, its eyes gleaming evilly.

        This sounds a bit off to me, maybe it's just me.

then there'd been the firework display two nights ago... their
hands had brushed and they'd held hands, watching incandescent showers
bloom in the evening sky.  She smiled at the memory.

        Is this a reference to the Christmas Scramble OAV?  It makes me
question the season, since it's said at one point that winter is
approching/Ranma is training shirtless/and there are also fireworks for
some reason.
        The openning indicates a summertime feel with the ice tea and Movie
2 imagery?  Overall many different seasonal feels are generated so far, but
by the wording we are left with Fall?

female - was jumping around, screaming, something firmly attached
to her rear.  When she reached over to grab it, it slid to the
front, fondling the red-head's breasts.  Happosai.  Well, he was
bound to show up eventually, thought Akane.  It was probably
Ranma's fault, anyway.  As she watched, Ranma tried pummelling the
old man in the head, only to stumble backwards into the pond,
losing her shirt in the process.  Well, maybe it _wasn't_ Ranma's

        Happy isn't much of an ass grabber, he's generally seen only going
for the breasts.  Also I thought Ranma was training shirtless.  What shirt
did Happy steal?  Again we have Movie 2 imagery

    He slid the door open, stepped into the family room... and
froze.  The entire family was there, waiting... waiting for _him_
No.  Not everyone.  Akane  was missing.  And the tension in the
air... something was wrong, terribly, terribly wrong.

        Why is Akane missing at this point?

    His words sounded obnoxious even to him in the resounding
silence that followed them.  There was a loud crack as a pencil
snapped in Nabiki's grip.

        She doesn't seem the type, and in fact the pencil itself seems out
of place.  Nabiki is cold, and in this story made more so.  This act, is it
done deliberately?  If not, I suggest removing it.

    "Your mother... is dying, Ranma.  She's in the hospital.
We've been waiting all night for you to get back, to visit her.
    "They say she probably... she probably won't live out the
week."

        I suppose that means this is a darkfic.  By her words, it would
indicate they've been sitting there six hours for Ranma to return.  When he
finally arrives they wait even longer to tell him, I was starting to lose
it by that point.  Suspense is a facinating subject, although its usage is
a fine line.  I suppose this can be explained by reluctance to deliver the
bad news but I would have hoped they would have had some plan on telling
him since time seems important in this matter.

felt.  [And yet, when Akane saw his eyes, she could tell, she
_knew_, what he was feeling: intense grief, burning shame, seething
anger.  Since when have I understood what going on in _his_ head?,
thought Akane, as both father and son stepped forward, kneeling
next to the bed.]

        What is the purpose of these brackets?

    "Hey, you ok, sis?"  Nabiki's voice interrupted her brooding.
    "Huh?"
    "I was asking if you were alright."  Akane turned to face her
sister, who had seated herself next to her.  Her face seemed as
impassive as ever, yet Akane thought she could detect a trace of
concern in it.

        This seems a contradiction with her behavior a few paragraphs down.

    Nabiki shrugged.  "I dunno.  Ask Kasumi - that's her
department.  I'm not good with that stuff.  All I know is that this
is gonna cost us a lot."  She stood up, brushing her clothes off
with quick, sharp movements.

        This seems to be a turning point for Nabiki, but the change seems
to occur too fast.  She goes from one moment worrying about the welfare of
her sister to a casual disregard for Mrs. Saotome (oh, and it's Mrs. not
Ms.)
        More time spent exporing her change could be helpful.

    "His mother, Nabiki.  His mother." said Kasumi softly, placing
one hand on Nabiki's shoulder.  "He's lost his mother."

        Is she dead yet?  At this point I thought she was but I'm told
later at the end that she's not.  This seems a fairly important point.

her...".  Never once did Ranma's father try to dodge, or block, or
break free - instead, he silently absorbed his son's rage, eyes
squeezed shut with pain.

        Okay, Ranma's obviously lost it at this point.  He's beating the
hell out of his father who is not defending himself.  It's one thing for
Genma to put up a token defence for Ranma to knock down but for Ranma to
continually bash his father is excessive.  Even under these conditions it's
questionable, also taking into account the amount of rage spent destroying
the dojo.

    "No.  You don't.  You couldn't."  Akane's eyes widened in
shock and hurt.  She felt tears form and tried blinking them away.
Why... why is he acting like this?, she thought to herself.  Why?
He knows how I feel about... about mother.  Her vision blurred as

        My thoughts exactly.

    "Ranma... you jerk..." sobbed Akane.  She ran back to the
house without another word.

        jerk seems inappropriate, considering the level of emotions at this
point.  I'd be more inclined to believe she'd leave without a word.

    "Oh yeah," he rasped, still smiling.  "Really strong... but
not strong enough to hear the truth.  Like a man.  If only your mom
could see you now."  The grip tightened again, cutting off all
air... and then dropped away, Ranma's hand falling limply at his
side.

        When Ranma resorts to chokes like this I worry.  I assume Ryouga
would be having difficulty speaking by this point?  However tough he
happens to be.

    "Fuck off, Ryoga." snarled Ranma.
    Ryoga smirked and disappeared into the night.

        If the language had led up to this it could have worked, it needs
more of a lead up.  As it is it seems like an inconsistancy.

    *** To be concluded ***

       Ok.  Hope it's ok so far.
       I'm a bit worried I go OOC near the end.  I didn't mean for Ryoga
to come out quite so mean - it just happened.  And I'm not sure about the
swear... ah, hell, whatever.  I'll wait to see what you guys have to say.

       -Mike Noakes

        Actually I really liked the way Ryouga was portrayed at the end.
If anyone understands angst it's Ryouga.  I'm only surprised he was mature
enough to pull it off.  He's being mean but that can either be for Ranma's
sake since he needed someone to snap him back to reality, or for his
revenge's sake which is questionable considering his thoughts earlier.
        Ryouga has always been a sort of anchor for Ranma, his best and
constant rival, the one who tells him when he's being stupid.  Anyway, I
must sleep but I wanted to C&C this before it got shifted to the bottom of
my to do file.

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