On Wed, 4 Sep 1996 13:25:53 -0400 Jang Choe said:
: Warning: This story is really really bad. Please read it and tell me
: how to write this better. This story is so lame, so please don't laugh.
OK, I'm not laughing. And that's one of the problems of your fic.
It didn't make me laugh, it didn't make me sad or evoked any other
feeling; It simply left me cold and uninvolved. Despite your
experimental use of second person viewpoint, I could not identify
with your protagonist, since he just seemed to stumble along,
while the story spooled off.
The sudden occurence of his berserker "curse" was more of an
anti-climax, than a high point, since it was neither foreshadowed,
nor used to its full potential. My tip would be to let him be a
little reluctant, letting te reader know that there's *something*
that he's afraid of, but not giving it away. The key to gripping
the reader is *suspense*, not surprise. The fic was more
interesting to you, who knows that there is the berserker demon,
just waiting to be loosed upon the world, than it is to the
reader, who doesn't.
Also, the aftermath was running out of air pretty soon. Ranma
would be *itching* for a re-match, as soon as he's on his feet
again. My suggestion is to let him fight Ikari again, with two
possible outcomes: Either he triggers the berserker demon again
(But this time he'd be prepared, and the result of that fight
would be pretty much open) *or* Ikari would manage to contain it,
and gets pounded flat by Ranma. I would go for the latter case,
and have Ikari's affliction with the berserker demon revealed,
making Ranma feel terribly guilty for attacking a more or less
defenseless person; Moreover, a person who *could* have
counterattacked, but chose not to, for fear of hurting him again.
The story could go on from there to whatever kind of understanding
you want to achieve or not achieve between the characters.
Sebastian