~sMagical Girl Fanfic Theater #4
Well, I'm still off the list for the moment, but I can send things out to it! er Any replies to me should be privately e-mailed to falcon@best.com, since I won't er won't be able to see what's on the mail list.
Enjoy!
Magical Girl Fanfic Theater
By Peter L. Ward
Starring:
- Miyakawa Mika as Exquisite Soldier Lovely Freesia
- Toriyama Akiko as Exquisite Soldier Crimson Rose
- Mura Natsumi as Exquisite Soldier Golden Poppy
- Ferris as Exquisite Soldier Pretty Daisy
- and Penko as herself
Tonight's Feature Presentation: El Ranma part 1 by Ifurita
[The lights come up on Akiko and Natsumi, with Penko sitting in
Natsumi's lap. Both girls are shivering while Mika is nowhere
to be seen.]
[Akiko]
H-h-hello ev-v-verybody! I'm Toriyama Aki-ki-kiko...
[Natsumi]
And I'm freezing! Er...I mean...I'm Mu-mu-mura Nat-t-t-sumi!
[Penko]
And where is that Mika, anyway?
[Mika's head pops up several rows back.]
[Mika]
Ba-ba-back here! I'll be up there in just a moment!
[Mika ducks back down, then stands up and runs to join the others.]
[Akiko]
Wh-wh-what were you up-p-p to?
[Mika, managing a wink while shivering]
L-l-l-laying out a few things...
[The door in the back of the theater opens and a 6-foot-tall female
figure enters. She stumbles over something and picks it up.]
[Female]
Hey! What is this? A gopher trap??
[Mika, shouting back]
Yeah! We had a bit of a problem with one last time!
[The female walks up and reveals herself to be a Myanaran, a race
of feline humanoids that got stranded on Earth in 2056. Her long,
red hair contrasts with her tan, spotted fur, and she's wearing a
costume very similar to Akiko's, except that her's is colored
green instead of red. All three girls recognize her.]
[Mika]
Ferris! They picked you to join us?
[Ferris]
Yup! Got the call this morning, in fact! As of now, I'm Exquisite
Soldier...ugh...Pretty Daisy. Who picks these names, anyway??
[Mika]
Who knows? Be glad that you didn't get named after a WW II
battleship like Akiko and I nearly did...
[Ferris]
Ugh! I think Pretty Daisy will do for now. By the way, you girls
look cold!
[Akiko]
No kidding! I thought our costumes had a field to keep us warm
despite the skimpiness of them. I guess your fur's keeping you warm.
[Penko]
Here, let me run a diagnostic...
[Tiny jacks appear on each of the girls' eyemasks. Penko produces
a thin datacable and checks each one.]
[Penko]
I see what the problem is. The temperature regulators have been shut
off. I wonder what caused...that...
[Penko starts looking at Mika, followed by Akiko. Natsumi sits there
without a clue, as usual, and Ferris has no idea what's going on.]
[Akiko]
I told you that the writer was going to get revenge for last time,
Mika!
[Penko]
Akiko's right, dear. If you hadn't used your Magic Soul Blade on
him, he wouldn't have shut off your temperature regulators.
[Disembodied Voice]
Now that I have your attention, no more using your powers on me,
okay?
[All]
Yes, sir!
[Mika]
Sorry, sir!
[Disembodied Voice]
Now, then. On with the fic!
[All three human girls sigh with relief as the regulator fields reactivate
and the lights dim.]
-----
O.K., so I've done Sailor Moon Fanfics, And I've noticed that there aren't
any El Hazard Fanfics around. This is probably due to the fact that its a
fairly new series, and no one has found any good ideas for a fanfic. Well,
no more! I have found one! Bwahahahahahahhahahahahahha! Um, Ranma in El
Hazard...
-----
[Akiko]
I guess this is going to be one of those fusion fics.
[Ferris]
"Fusion fic"?
[Mika]
Yeah. It's when you take the cast of one series and put them in the
roles of another series. Sometimes, it comes off really well, but
there are also times when it doesn't. Like a recent attempt to recast
Babylon 5 with Ranma characters. Good thing that didn't take off!
-----
Note: I have changed some of the characters, so don't flame at me for
it. (i.e., Nabiki is more controlling and a megalomaniac, Fatora looks like
Ranma. Ukyo is a lot nicer to Akane.) Also, this is done from the dub (It is
the best Dub ever!!!!!)
-----
[Akiko]
Now *that* is a matter of debate. I think the Wings dub was a lot
better.
[Mika]
Naaa...Macross Plus was better.
[Natsumi]
I liked the Sailor Moon dub!
[Akiko and Mika]
You would...
-----
The only gripes I have about the dub are: No Kikuko Innoue, No Amano Yuri,
the loss of Alielles "Onnesama!" and, well, the version of Cute Little
Flower...ugh....
-----
[Akiko]
Let's not forget that horrid version of "Boys Be Free!". The original
was obnoxious as is, but the dub version induces nightmares...
[Mika and Ferris are too busy retching to comment.]
[Penko, looking at the two girls]
Not to mention nauseating. Anyway, are we here to critique a fic, or
are we here to critique the dub?
[Akiko]
Okay, okay...
-----
El Ranma part 1
The First night
Battlefield of confusion
------------------------
By
Ifurita (No wind up toy jokes!)
-----------------------------
-----
[Mika]
Naaa...we save those for Penko here!
[Penko]
You know how much those jokes annoy me, child...
-----
A crowd of news cameras and Dictaphone wielding reporters milled
about in the field of Furinkan gaku. A large jagged tear in the earth runs
along. A sign that reads "Warning: Unstable earth!".
In the basement of the school, ruins have been uncovered by the
earthquake. A large mosaic covers the floor, and a odd canister sits on a
pedestal at on end of the ruins. A news crew, Nabiki and Kuno stand among
the ruins. Kuno stands looking rather important. Nabiki is waiting of to one
side of the reporter.
-----
[Akiko]
You know, I think changing the overall tense of the story to past
tense would be a big improvement. Using present tense just doesn't
work out when telling a story like this. If the author were writing
this in script format, then using the present tense would be
justified.
-----
"And with us, are the discovers of the Ruins, Tendo Nabiki and Kuno
Tatewaki." said the reporter.
-----
[Mika]
Like using the past tense here, Akiko?
[Akiko]
Yes. Keeping the tenses consistent is also very important.
[Natsumi]
Waaaaahhh! I don't understand all this about tenses!
[Mika]
Airhead! If you paid attention to grammar class once in a while,
maybe you'd actually do better at it!
-----
"Let me handle this Kuno-chan." Said Nabiki to Kuno. She turns to
the
camera. " I, the school treasurer and Vice president of student council, and
the President, have found these mysterious ruins beneath our school."
-----
[Akiko]
Here's another thing that needs work throughout the fic. Properly
indenting and formatting a paragraph. The "the" in the second line
should be at the start of it and "camera" should be right after along
with the rest of the paragraph in this particular case.
[Mika]
Then again, the author might've been trying to convert from a word
processor to ASCII text and the process could've goofed things up.
[Akiko]
That could be...
-----
Akane pushes past them, along with another student carrying camera.
She then pushes through the news crew.
-----
[Mika]
Shouldn't that be "another student carrying a camera."?
[Akiko]
That's right. You're getting good at this, Mika.
[Mika]
Thanks!
-----
"Akane! How can you say such things about you're own big sister!"
Says Nabiki.
"And to me! You're one true love!" Kuno Takes a step towards Akane,
but she punches him in the face.
-----
[Ferris]
Maybe that ought to be "your own big sister?"
[Mika]
As well as "Your one true love!" (as if...).
[Akiko]
Both would be correct.
-----
In another part of the school, Ranma, Ukyo and two other students
are
sitting watching the TV report.
"So, the Puppet and his Mistress are deposed." Says Ukyo. "And we
couldn't of done it without you Ran-chan!" She turn to and uneasy looking
Ranma in the chair at the end of the table.
"I don't like this...so Kuno's a jerk, but Nabiki's kinda like my
sister in a way...it just don't feel right."
"Dammit Saotome! Don't you have any balls!" Says one of the other
students.
"Like watermelons!" Says Ranma.
"Oh my!" Says Ukyo, blushing.
-----
[Akiko, Mika, and Ferris burst out in loud, riotous laughter while
Natsumi looks confused before laughing weakly just to join in.]
[Akiko]
Yeah, right!
[Ferris]
In your wet dreams, Ranma!
[Mika]
If he had any balls in the first place, he'd be admitting his love
for Akane!
[Akiko]
Yeah! He can face down the biggest, baddest villains around, but,
like most guys out there, he can't say those three little words.
[Natsumi]
"Pass the Butter"?
[All three of the other girls facefault along with Penko.]
[Mika, muttering]
Utterly clueless, I tell you...
-----
"Calm down Kuno-chan, I've got a plan." Said Nabiki.
Ranma is getting ready to leave the school. Going to his box. He
removes his shoes, and finds a note inside. He picks it up and read from it.
"Dear Ranma, it is odd that I'm writing to you, but I just can't
hold it inside of me anymore, please come to the forest after
school.
- Tendo Akane."
"Whoa! Wonder what she's got planned!" Says Ranma.
Ranma is walking through the forest.
"Akane...Akane! Where are you?" Calls Ranma, into the Dark.
-----
[Natsumi]
WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! I'm confused again!
[Mika]
This time, I don't blame you. Hasn't the author heard of scene
transitions? As it is, it looks like as if everything was happening
one right after another without going to another place or time.
[Akiko]
Not only that, by maybe the regular use of blank lines between
paragraphs would help out a lot here. Especially around the
portion of what's supposed to be Akane's letter.
[Ferris]
You'd think that the author was trying to compress the story or
something. Geez...
-----
"PREPARE TO DIE SAOTOME RANMA!" Scream Kuno as he bursts from a
bush.
-----
[Akiko]
"Kuno screamed as he burst from a bush."
-----
Ranma steps back in a defensive stance.
"Kuno-chan, calm down." Says Nabiki, coming out of the shadows.
"Nabiki! Did you write me that letter?" Asks Ranma. "Now, would I do
a thing like that? No, signing your fathers name to
checks is one thing, but I merle went into Akanes room, and took one from
her rather ample collection. I also found one to Hibiki Ryoga, and Prince
Toma."
-----
[Ferris]
Shouldn't that be "merely"?
-----
"When I heard that you were going to be hear all night, I though I
would bring you something to eat and drink." says Kasumi, coming into the
room.
-----
[Mika]
I thought that was supposed to be "thought" there...
-----
Ryoga Stumbles through the darkness.
-----
[Ferris]
I thought his name was "Hibiki Ryoga", not "Ryoga Stumbles".
[Akiko]
The author probably hit the shift key one too many times there,
that's all...
-----
Kuno has chased Ranma behind the Kendo clubs building. "Now Saotome
Ranma, you will DIE!" Kuno raises the Cattle prod high
above his head.
-----
[Mika]
This time, the author forgot to use the apostrophe. That should be
"Kendo club's".
-----
A very attractive woman comes out of the canister. She is oddly
dressed, it was once fine, but it has seems to of aged greatly, it's color
faded. She steps towards the slack jawed Ranma. and Falls into his Arms.
-----
[Akiko]
Hmmm...another case of one or two capital letters too many. That
ought to be "falls into his arms".
Also, it seems that only part of the cast was replaced, mainly the
Earth cast. The El Hazard characters remain as is for the most
part.
[Mika]
Yeah...I guess this is a case of sending one set of characters to El
Hazard instead of the originals.
-----
" I've waited so long for you.." said the Girl. "I've been patient
these last ten millennia, but this moment has finally arrived after ten
thousand years."
"Wa...what's your name?" stammered Ranma.
"You mean you have forgotten? Throughout the endless night I dreamt
only
of you my dear Ranma..." the girl grabs hold of Ranma tighter. "Time grows
short...my powers have grown week with the passage of years..."
-----
[Akiko]
Now here's one of the moments that the dub totally screwed up. The
sub had it that she was dreaming of him through those ten millenia,
and, if you'll excuse the minor spoiler, why would she think that he
had forgotten about her when she knew what happened in the first
place and that Makoto hadn't met her until then from his perspective?
I really wish the author had based the fic off of the sub instead of
the dub.
[Ferris]
Dubs suck!!!
[Penko]
Now, girls, remember what we're supposed to be reviewing here...
-----
" I know I can relay upon you, Ranma, I will carry you within my
heart and thoughts until our paths cross again."
-----
[Ferris]
I didn't know that she was in a race...
[Mika]
I think she meant to say "rely", not "relay". I don't know about you,
but I'd like a guy I could rely on.
-----
"You have any idea how to get outa here?"
"I'll just do what I always do when I get lost, just ask the next
person I meet."
Suddenly, something that looks like a waking blue dolphin runs
between two bushes.
"Errrr...umm...ya didn't ask him." Said Ranma, bugging out.
"You saw it too? I though it was something I ate?"
-----
[Mika]
What? Ryoga eats dolphinbears regularly?
[Ferris]
Maybe he ate something Akane cooked up?
[Akiko]
No...he'd be experiencing severe indigestion, but not hallucinations.
-----
Suddenly a scream pierces the air.
"What was that!" Says Ranma.
-----
[Mika]
Maybe that ought to be a question mark?
-----
"I can't find my sewing kit! And now the kettles going off! What a
day!" Kasumi fumes.
-----
[Ferris]
Uh-oh...looks like Kasumi's losing her temper...
[Mika]
Hey, Penko, can you check to see if those idiots at headquarters can
check on the temperature of hell? I think it's about to freeze over.
[Penko]
We can't. Budget cutbacks forced us to scrap our afterlife
surveillance system years ago.
[Mika]
Why am I not surprised?
-----
"I'm not going to give you a lesson in female anatomy!" Kasumi puts
a hand over Ranma's eyes.
-----
[Ferris, snickering]
As if he needed any anatomy lessons in the first place...
-----
"Not that Kasumi!" Ranma grabs Kasumi's head and turns it. "That!" A
massive wall of giant bugs is rushing forwards, towards them.
"Yaaaaah!" Kasumi looks at them. She grabs the unconscious Ryoga.
"Ryoga
get up!"
"Uuuuuhaaaaa..." Ryoga moans.
"Useless!" Kasumi turns to the Bug, which leap up into the air, and
Come crashing down.
As the bugs approach Kasumi lashes out.
Her fists send the Bugs flying.
"What that heck! Kasumi! When did you learn that!" Said Ranma.
"I don't know!"
-----
[Mika]
All right! Kasumi kicks ass for once!
[Akiko]
Actually, there is that other series of fanfics out there which casts
Kasumi as a magical girl.
[Ferris]
That's right..."Natsumi the Magical Girl" I think it was called...
[Natsumi]
Really? A fanfic about me??
[Mika reaches over and bops Natsumi on the head.]
[Natsumi]
Owwwwwwwww!
[Mika]
Not you, ditz! Another magical girl named Natsumi, who happens to be
Kasumi!
[Natsumi]
Oh...
-----
"EOUCH! " Ranma withdraws his hand, grimacing in pain.
"No....nothing
happened...I'm...I'm weak!" Ranma gapes in disbelief, just before one of the
bugs takes a swing at him, and Ranma is forced back.
-----
[Mika, Akiko, and Ferris break out in laughter again.]
[Mika]
Awwwww...poor widdle Ranma got all weak all of a sudden? Too bad...
[Ferris]
Want I should kiss it and make it better, Ranma?
[Mika]
Question is, would you just stop at his hand?
[Ferris, winking]
I'm not telling...
[Akiko]
I don't think you'd get too far with his cat phobia, Ferris.
[Ferris]
Awwww....
-----
"OH my, I have soiled my dress." Kausmi says, looking at her now
grass stained dress.
-----
[Mika]
Clunk, clunk, clunk.
[Akiko]
"I've" would work a bit better here.
-----
"Your not her?" she says in astonishment.
-----
[Akiko]
This time, you use "you're".
-----
"This must be fate, for we were on our way this very day to consult
a psychic on the whereabouts of the missing princess. Meeting you must be a
sign from god." says the Man in the uniform.
-----
[Natsumi]
His name is "Man"?
[Akiko]
No. Just another case of an extra capital letter here.
-----
"The woman you rescued lead the many tribes of El Hazard, she is
Princess Rune-Venus, a member of the Royal house of Rochtaria. Who have
ruled for many centuries.
-----
[Akiko]
Another case where I wish the author had relied more on the subs.
It's "Roshitaria." The subs not only have it on screen, but they
do have those pack-ins that do have the names, places, and
illustrations on them.
-----
"You must make sure that these stay within this room, and you will
go and fetch Dr. Strauobou." says Londs.
-----
[Akiko]
"Dr. Schtalubaugh"
[Natsumi]
"Sch..Schula...Shla..." Awwwww...it's sooo hard to pronounce!
[Mika]
You have to admit, it is a mouthful there...
-----
"Yes sir!" says the guards, and go to there appointed jobs.
Inside, the three stand at a railing, over looking the city.
"You know Ranma, I've been to some weird places, but this place
takes
the cake....ever been to Quebec? Now that's almost as weird..."
"Man, this sucks, oh well, we could of ended up in the US and got
shot." said Ranma.
-----
[Akiko]
That should've been "should've".
[Natsumi]
Ryoga's been to Quebec?
[Mika]
That shouldn't suprise anyone.
[Ferris]
Now, if I could only get him into my room...
[Mika]
Ferris! Geez...is there no controlling you Myanarans?
-----
"Oh my, I bet father and the others our worried sick." said Kasumi.
-----
[Akiko]
"Are", not "our".
-----
"I doubt we'll be stuck her for long...If I can find my way to your
place, any of us can." said Ryoga.
Later that night, they eat dinner with Dr. Straoubou. The meal is
made up of something that looks like Fried voles.
-----
[Ferris]
Tastes like chicken!
[Natsumi]
They do?
[Ferris]
That was a joke, dimwit. By the way, there's another extra capital
there.
-----
"Yes, we give praise to anyone who uses such power to defeat the
incidious bugrom." said Londs
-----
[Mika]
Insidious, even.
-----
"Our strength comes from the surrounding countries of Rochtaria,
they
are all allied against the Bugrom." The doctor takes a long breath and
begins to talk again. "El Hazard is divided in two by the great River of
god. Beyond this is a land long shrouded in legend and mystery. This is
where the Bugrom have built there empire, one that is ruled by the supreme
hand of the queen Diiva. For age upon age we have fought an ongoing war
against them, to prevent them from conquering EL Hazard."
Somewhere else, Nabiki and Kuno trudge through the forest. The come
upon a clearing with and odd octagonal dais in it. They climb up on top of
it.
-----
[Akiko]
Since "River of God" is a place name, it should be captialized.
[Mika]
Not only that, but we have another example of a lack of scene
transition....
-----
"Ahhhhhhhh" Kuno takes a deep breath. "Shit! Where the hell am I!"
Kuno scream in anger. On side of his face is swelling. "Argh! I know that
Saotome is behind this! Curse that cretin!" Kuno shakes his fist in anger.
"Calm down Kuno-chan." Nabiki says.
Suddenly, Kuno grabs the side of his face. "Shit! Why does this Keep
swelling?"
-----
[Akiko]
I know the author said that some of the characters would be going
through some changes, but this is really out of character for Kuno.
I would think that he'd launch into one of his long-winded tirades
instead of merely swearing.
-----
Suddenly, Bugrom appear in the woods, and Kuno takes a fighting
stance, and Nabiki keeps her cool.
"Now, they are only as afraid of us as we are of them." she says.
The come out of the woods and begin to surround them. "Ah! Get away
from me!" Nabiki screams, loosing her cool. The Bugrom approached
closer.
-----
[Mika]
Shouldn't that be "They come out"?
[Akiko]
Yes, and Nabiki should be losing her cool, not loosing it.
-----
"Well, this just isn't good. I have to get back home to make dinner,
for I wouldn't want Akane to have to cook for father." said Kasumi.
"That for sure." said Ranma. Ryoga bonks him on the head.
"Even on another world, you still have to insult Akane, don't you
Ranma!" said Ryoga.
"What? You stupid pig!" Ranma and Ryoga start fighting. Ryoga smacks
Ranma into a wall, but Ranma springs back, planting his foot directly into
Ryoga's face.
"Oh my." Kasumi says and the Doctor just sighs.
-----
[Mika]
Now these three are at least in character.
-----
Later on the evening, the three are summoned to the Princesses
chambers.
-----
[Mika]
Now *here's* something we've been looking for throughout the entire
fic! A scene change! Will wonders ever cease!
-----
"Ah, you have come." said the Princess as they enter the room. "I
want
to make it entirely clear that my purpose for asking you hear is entirely
selfish. I wish to ask a boon from you." the princess walks over to them,
followed by a strange cat. Ranma, upon seeing this, becomes rather
uncomfortable.
-----
[Akiko]
Here's that phobia I was telling you about, Ferris.
[Ferris]
Oh, I don't know...I think I might be able to cure him...
[Mika]
Wait...that's the subject of another fanfic that came out before we
started all this. "Enter Perfume", I think it was. Too bad the
ending stank.
[Ferris]
Aw, can't I have my fun?
[Penko]
Control yourself, child.
-----
"I will not dress up like a girl more than I have to! Look, get me
some cold water, I want to show you something." said Ranma. A serving girl
approaches with a jug of water, which Ranma pours over his head.
Nothing happens.
"Huh? What was that for?" asks Londs, with one eyebrow raised.
"What going on here? Am I cured?" said Ranma surprised.
"Really? Let me try!" Ryoga said, and does the same thing.
Nothing happens.
"Whoo hoo!" Ryoga and Ranma hug and start dancing around like fools.
-----
[Mika]
I'm surprised that those two didn't apply for citizenship right then
and there.
-----
"Argh! Why do you have to mess this up!" said Ryoga.
"Ryoga, you have a tear in you shirt, give it to me." Kasumi asks,
and Ryoga obeys, but rather sheepishly. Kasumi produces her needle and
thread and begins to mend the tear.
-----
[Ferris]
Yowww! Yeah, Ryoga-baby! Take it *all* off!
[Mika]
Yeah, you said it, Ferris! Ohhhh, baby! What a hunk!
[While Akiko is also paying rather close attention to the holovid screen
as well, Natsumi is blushing furiously.]
-----
"Hmmmm....I wonder why our curses don't work here." asked Ranma. "I
believe it is because the curses are native to earth, and this is
not earth, so they have no power here." said Kasumi looking up from her
mending.
-----
[Akiko]
You know, putting Ranma's dialogue and Kasumi's dialogue in separate
paragraphs would help here...
[Ferris]
So would more beefcake scenes! Yum!
-----
"Well, am I support to be impressed?" asked Nabiki, like the
huge city was nothing more than a anthill.
-----
[Akiko]
That should be "supposed" there. Other than that, it's perfectly
in character for Nabiki.
-----
In the cell that the trio is held, Ranma absently recites the
prophecy over and over to himself.
"Ranma, you're going nuts." said Ryoga. Kasumi is off to the side,
mending her dress.
"Hmmm...hey, Ryoga, what kinda weapon do you think this Eye of god
is?"
said Ranma.
-----
[Mika]
Since it's a proper name, it should be "Eye of God".
-----
"I don't know? A atomic bomb or something? A orbital Particle Beam
satellite?" said Ryoga.
"Hmmmm....I go an idea. Kasumi?" Ranma looks over to Kasumi.
-----
[Ferris]
He's got an idea, even.
-----
"I don't care about your idea! I have to cook breakfast! Arrrgh! I
must!" Kasumi stands up and Punches the wall, creating a 3 foot wide hole in
it."
And the doors open.
"Oh my." said Kasumi, looking at the guards that had come into the
room.
-----
[Ferris]
Now this is a Kasumi I like. One that's much more aggressive!
[Mika]
You would...
-----
"Hmmm, I think I figured out what makes Kasumi stronger than you or
I." said Ranma.
"What?" said Ryoga, who take something that looks like a rice cake
from the platter.
"Not cooking." said Ranma.
"Oh my, that's not very good. Oh! Let me help!" Kasumi puts the
platter down and walks over to the serving girls and begins to help them
dress Ranma.
-----
[Akiko]
Now there's a good substitution there. Very clever to make it so
that cooking is Kasumi's weak point. Of course, it was clever to
make Kasumi the stand-in for Fujisawa-sensei.
-----
"Ranma, have you been reading too many Manga's?" asked Ryoga.
-----
[Akiko]
Maybe it should be either "manga", or "mangas". It's a tough call
since there really aren't all that many plurals in Japanese.
Either way, the apostrophe should be dropped.
-----
"No, we may be able to use it to get home." said Ranma.
"Oh!".
The girls have finished dressing Ranma, and Kasumi fixes the belt of
the robes, and then Ranma turns to Ryoga.
"Heh, you make a cute girl even as a guy..." Ryoga clamps his hands
over his mouth.
"HOW DARE....what did you say?" Ranma looks at Ryoga.
"Nothing." Ryoga blushes.
-----
[Mika]
Ummm...I'm not sure what we should make of this scene...
[Akiko]
I hope the author isn't suggesting what I think he's suggesting...
[Ferris]
I hope not, too. Be a damn shame if it were to be that way.
[Penko]
Now, girls, stop jumping to conclusions there.
-----
The leave the dressing area, and come to the Royal Chambers.
Rune-Venus is standing there in her own robes.
"Oh! You look so beautiful!" Rune said.
"Oh my, he sure does." Kasumi came to stand next to Rune.
Ryoga coughs, and Ranma roles his eye's.
-----
[Ferris]
Ranma rolled his eyes, even.
-----
The door opens, and a overly pretty man walks in, rings around his
ankles ring with each step.
-----
[Mika]
That sounds pretty repetitive. Maybe it should be "his anklets ringing
with each step."
-----
"Ah, Princess." said the Man.
"Galls, you know that this chamber is only for the Royal house."
Rune
said playfully.
-----
[Akiko]
Should be "Galus", not "Galls." Another minor thing about the dub
here. In the original Japanese, Rune-Venus wasn't playful at all
with that statement.
-----
"Can't you ignore the rules for your own fianc�e?" said Galis. He
looks down at Ranma, and something flashes in his eyes. He turns back to
Rune. "When I heard of the attack made upon you, I rushed here as fast as I
could."
-----
[Akiko]
Galus! It's Galus! Not "Galls". And it's not "Galis"! Geez...
the author can't even keep his misspellings consistant!
[Mika]
Akiko...calm down! You're scaring us!
[Akiko]
Sorry girls...just getting frustrated here, that's all...
-----
"It's merle the cold." said Ranma. Ranma gives off a few forced
coughs. "But I feel perfect now."
-----
[Mika]
Again, that should be "merely"...
-----
"He looks like he shall make a good husband." said Kasumi. "He's
so polite and curious."
-----
[Akiko]
Maybe that should be "courteous". I'm not sure curiosity is a trait
of a good husband...
[Ferris]
It is with my people!
[Mika]
Well, you're from a race of cat people, so that's to be expected...
-----
"He is a Royal prince of a allied Kingdom." said Londs.
"I don't like him." said the Doctor."
-----
[Ferris]
Hmmmm...one quote mark more than there should be...
-----
"I agree, but, are you willing to use the eye of God, even with the
consequences?"
-----
[Akiko]
Again, that should be "Eye of God".
-----
"As you have suggested, I shall send my sister to Mt. Muldoon to
speak to the 3 sages, and have the shield removed.
-----
[Akiko]
That "3" should be written out. As a rule, numbers below 100 should
be written out in a piece of prose.
[Ferris]
Not only that, but I think I found where that extra quote mark should
have gone. At the end of this sentence.
-----
"Oh shit..." Londs says, hushed.
-----
[Akiko]
Another complaint about the dub here...
[Penko]
Enough, Akiko! Review the fic, not the dub!
[Akiko]
Well, the fic *is* based on the dub, so it's hard not to review the
dub as well...
[Penko]
Well, try!
-----
Somewhere, 4 thousand miles away, a massive horde of Bugrom came
bounding over the grassland.
Abroad a Flying bugrom, Nabiki stand with Kuno.
"Go, my legions! Go forth and Crush our foes of El Hazard!" Kuno
declared.
"Uh, Kuno, this is my army, your just hear for the ride." said
Nabiki. Kuno didn't hear, he just kept on talking.
-----
[Akiko]
That should either be 4,000 or four thousand, but you really shouldn't
mix the two like that.
[Mika]
Not only that, but I thought they were aboard the bugrom airship,
not abroad it.
[Ferris]
And it should be "you're just here for the ride." Other than that,
Kuno's perfectly in character here.
-----
4 thousand miles another way, 2 sets of tracks lead through the
desert. Akane and Ukyo trudged through the sand, Akane leaning on a stick,
Ukyo her big ass spatula.
-----
[Akiko]
Again, 4,000 or four thousand. Also, that should be "two sets of
tracks".
-----
"Ah....water...I need...water..." said Akane.
They came upon a small vender, on the edge of a village.
-----
[Mika]
"vendor".
-----
Akane produces a 1000 yen bill, and points at a jug of water.
-----
[Akiko]
Now he's got it! 1000 is perfect here. Maybe with a comma as a
separator between the 1 and the first 0, but that's a matter of style.
-----
The figure removed it's robe, and revealed a cute girl, who crept
into bed with Ranma.
-----
[Mika]
I thought that was a cloak or sheet or something like that.
-----
"What's...who's there..." Ranma yelled, feeling something against
his
leg.
He flung of the covers to see the Girl licking his leg.
"Ahhhhhh....." is all Ranma could say...
-----
[Ferris]
Not another damn fiancee! Doesn't he have enough already?
[Akiko]
I don't think that's the case here, Ferris.
-----
*End Part 1*
Finally! I'm finished! Oh well...hope you enjoyed it....part two may
be a while in coming though...oh well...
-----
[The lights come up on the four girls and the robopet.]
[Akiko]
Very true, since the author has a lot of work ahead offfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
(Ooops...slight goof up with pasting into mail. Here's the remainder:
[Akiko]
Very true, since the author has a lot of work ahead of him in fixing
part one in the first place.
[Mika]
Let's see...formatting problems, proper use of the apostrophe, proper
use of capital letters, scene transitions or the lack of them...
[Akiko]
Checking out the sub...
[Penko]
Enough, Akiko.
[Mika]
Anyway, it's a good concept and plot. It's just that there are so
many technical errors that it needs a lot of reworking, that's all.
[Ferris]
Needs more beefcake, too. I mean, part three's going to have the
cheesecake scenes, so why not add in some beefcake for us girls as
well?
[Akiko]
I don't know if the author's going to put in that request or not,
but it does bring up a rather sticky point when Miz Mishtal gets
introduced. Who is she going to chase after, unless she ends up with
some of Alielle's tendencies...
[Mika]
I don't think we want to get into that at this point. Anyway, good
night, everyone!
Again, sorry about how things are turning out. Cutting-and-pasting into mail
is not exactly the best way of going about thingnt (er, account) to shell from isn't fun, either.
Anyway, enjoy! Hope to be back on soon!
Peter L. Ward
falcon@best.com