A Fan-Fiction Featuring Skuld

Good, I need some help with the character. :-)

Keiichi was pestering older sister.

She almost always calls her Belldandy, no?

thelyphthoric hands.

Isn't in Skuld's word-choice, she'd know what the word ment, she just
wouldn't choose to use it.

pawing her goddess's body

...

she sat down between the two of them,

How much room is there between them?

his wish has bonded you to be with him forever,

More confusing than usual.  Skuld is a super-genius, but she "thinks
down" when dealing with the rest of us and so she's always very clear.
Even though this is internal monologue, she wouldn't switch back and
forth.

As an exercise, compare Skuld with B-ko, who's a little bit smarter and
puts on a much bigger attitude.  (Or wait around and I'll do it for you)

Looking across Skuld at Keiichi, with sorrow in her eyes,

You're trying to be poetic here right?  Doesn't work.  Put the poetry in
Bell's lips where it belongs, or be MUCH more "action" descriptive.

Keiichi glared at Skuld.

Ummm... that's much more aggressive than usual, is he on steroids?

ice cream behind rattling in sudden neglect,

Rattling ice cream is an image I'd rather not think about, is a spoon
and bowl involved here?

Well, since she won't share him with
me, I am not going to share Kenji with her.

Uhhhh

Skuld squealed into the phone.

Are you sure she hasn't turned into P-chan?

No, not spying,
standing vigil over the two, 

POV is awkward, choose interior monologue or narrative summary for this
paragraph or two.

Picking up her mini-microphone Leader-Sensei Mini-Urd shouted,
"I'll get it!"

Sense of time has gotten screwed, for no good reason.

Rewrite everything from Urd'ies POV, there's no reason to show the same
scene twice.

Moaned Faking-Having-Sex-With-Kenji Mini-Urd

This is really going over the top.

Either get a grip on distributed-Urd or write everything from Skuld's
POV.

Skuld was pissed.  Really pissed.

Do we really need these fucking obscenities?

Either you'll show us just how pissed she is, or you're lying to us.

First was a short skirt of parboiled leather

Pity, I was hoping for the Akagiyama-23 %-)

the light the men call reason slowly faded

Ummm.... Internal monolgue please?

and where hers was bright this one was dark.

The bright locations on her usual match to dark locations on this one or
what?

Skuld slipped out of the temple, her rational analytic mind clouded

Don't tell us, SHOW US!  Internal Monologue or maybe she's so bonkers
it's now an External Monologue.

Skuld took a mighty overhead swing with her
hammer at Urd's head,

...

smash down on her right big toe.

Wouldn't you fall over if you tried to do this, while wearing armor?

twin to the one in Skuld's hands.

Has K1 seen her new hammer before?

Coming up behind Keiichi, Belldandy wrapped her arms around
Keiichi's waist and, resting her chin on his right shoulder,

Way too much description, either have a mini-beat or show it entirely
from her dialogue.

Urd soon divided into six mini-urds, each
laughing harder than the other.

Number is off here, perhaps "than the next" or "than the rest"

I'm a god!"  Thundered Donner, "I was there when Beowulf
threw down Grendel,

So you subscribe to the gods reincarnating over and over again theory?

interrupted Belldandy,

She rarely does, she waits them out and is extra nice, she does.

the women are strong and the men pretty.

And all the kids are above average, judging from this pair.

Skuld pulled Kenji to

Perhaps you could have used a beat back during Donner's speech to have
him kneeling before her.

    "Well to see you of course.  It has been a long time Skuld. 
I missed my partner in crime."

Is he poetic or isn't he?

[Need to put some sort of prank here. Stealing of Gungnir? 
Mjolnir?]

Just as long as they didn't pretend to get engaged with the rine-gold
ring. (Insert scene from "Woton in the bunker" here)

There seems like there is something almost reckless about the
sound."

Don't repeat sound, use another word.

[Bell & K1 skip school to be with Skuld and Donner.]

Don't see that, at least not intentionally.

	Henry J. Cobb	hcobb@slip.net          http://www.io.com/~hcobb