Well, this fic has been pretty much stuck at this point for a couple of
weeks now, and I'm not sure where to go with it... so, with all the
WB/Ranma crossover discussion, I figured I'd post what I've got and see
if anyone else here had ideas.
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H A L F - W A Y H A R E
By Travis Butler
A not-quite-Warner production
Open on a rough, slightly rocky landscape, with mountains in the
background. Pull back to reveal a dirt mound pushing its way across the
ground, leaving behind a trail now heading towards the edge of a low
cliff. The mound stops about ten feet from the edge; a rabbit pops out,
looks up at the sky, and inhales deeply.
Rabbit: Ahhhhhh, smell dat mountain air! <Sniffs again, frowns, and looks
around for the first time.> Hey, just a cotton-pickin' minute! This don't
look like the Rocky Mountain Carrot Festival ta me!
Bugs spreads a map out on the ground and begins checking it, muttering to
himself.
Bugs: Ya know... I just *knew* I shoulda taken dat left turn at
Albuquerque.
As a cloud passes over the sun, he gets out of the hole and peers over
the edge of the cliff.
Bugs: Hmmmm, musta been rainin' a lot. Just look at all da puddles down
dere! <Shades his eyes as the sun comes out again.> Hey, maybe the gent
in the fancy pajamas can tell me where dis is.
He climbs down the cliff, to land in front of a rather pudgy man in baggy
grey clothing.
Bugs: Pardon me, Mac, but could you tell me --
Guide: Ahh, Okyuaku-san! Gomen nasai, mimasen deshita. Chotto matte,
konno mondai; tsukorimasu.*
*Translation: Ahh, honorable Mr. Customer! Sorry, not see you come in.
Wait a minute, I fix for you.
Bugs: <Looking puzzled> Eh, what's up --
The guide turns around and walks back to his cabin.
Bugs: -- Doc? <Shakes his head, and stares after the guide>
A moment later, the guide walks back out, carrying a kettle with steam
rising from it.
Bugs: <Watching him curiously> Makin' some tea, Doc -- HEY! <Shakes off
the hot water> What's the big idea, pourin' hot water on me?!
Guide: Ayaaah! Omae wa.... Usagi hontou ni, kore de, hanashimasu!
*Translation: Aieeee! You a *real* rabbit here talking to me!
Waving his arms, the guide runs back towards his cabin.
Bugs: Huh. Musta been one of them excitable types. <Shrugs> Oh, well.
<Turns around and walks into the grounds proper.>
Meanwhile, back up on the cliff... a short, baby-faced man in a hunting
outfit is following the trail, stepping softly. He turns to look at the
audience.
Man: Shhhhh! Be vewy, vewy qwiet! <Comes to the hole, and notices Bugs'
footprints.> Oh, boy! Wabbit twacks! <Runs to the edge of the cliff>
Bugs: <Examining one of the pools> Hmmm... Kinda shallow for a bath, but
--
Elmer: <Up on the cliff> Ah! Got you, you... *wabbit*! <Aims gun and
fires>
Bugs: Yipe! <Dives to one side... and falls into the pool>
Guide: <Looking out his window> Ahhh, Yaazuniichuan! --
With a rush of water, a large black duck pops out of the pool. A rather
familiar-looking duck...
Guide: Ayiiiiii! <Runs out and stares at the duck>
Bugs: Eh? What're you lookin' at, Doc?
Elmer: <Runs down and pokes the guide in the stomach.> Hey, you! What did
you do with dat wabbit?!
The guide looks disdainfully down at Elmer. Then, without a word, he
lifts his kettle and pours hot water over the duck.
Elmer: Ah, *there* you are, you scwewy wabbit! I'm gonna bwast you to
smitherweens!
The guide looks at him, shaking his head as if he'd expected a different
reaction. Then, shrugging, he turns around and walks back towards his
cabin.
Bugs: <Shouting after guide> Now what was *dat* all about, laughing boy?
Elmer: <Leveling his gun> Say your pwayers, wabbit!
Bugs: <Looks back at Elmer, then starts backing away> H-hey now, Doc! No
need ta go shootin' hares! <Turns around and runs deeper into the grounds>
Elmer: Come back here! <Takes a hasty shot, then lowers his gun and runs
after Bugs>
A short burst of thunder rolls across the sky. The guide looks after the
rapidly-disappearing figures, then up at the sky. With a slight smile, he
goes inside and puts the kettle back on the stove. A few moments later,
the sky opens up, and a couple of "Yipe"s come in through the window. The
guide smiles a little wider, and goes outside.
* * *
Elmer: Come on out, duck, or I'll *bwast* you out!
Bugs: <From behind a rock> Hey, doc! This ain't duck huntin' season --
it's rabbit season! <Does a take> Did I really just say dat?
A stream of hot water drops out of the tree above him. Bugs yelps and
jumps up on the rock.
Bugs: Eee-youch!
Elmer: *There* you are, you... you *wabbit* stew, you!
The tree's leaves rustle, as if the tree itself were shaking its head.
Then a slightly pudgy arm reaches out of the tree and pushes Bugs in the
back. Bugs falls off the rock, and into Elmer... who stumbles backwards,
and starts rolling down the hill behind him. Various crashing and ripping
noises float back up the hill, followed by a splash.
Bugs climbs back up on the rock, shoots a suspicious look at the tree,
and then looks down the hill. A few ripples are still visible on the
surface of one of the pools... where a coyote climbs out a few seconds
later. The coyote shoots a disdainful look back at the pool... then looks
up at Bugs and licks his lips.
Bugs: Uh-oh. <Jumps off the rock and runs, with the coyote in hot
pursuit.>
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...and that's about where I ran out of ideas. I figure there should be
some more running around the grounds and cursing jokes, but I haven't
been able to come up with any more... though I'm probably going to end
the story with Elmer as P-Fudd, thanks to Mike's suggestion. :) Also, I'm
kind of going with the idea that the Guide has finally lost it, a little,
and is taking a hand by playing practical jokes on the two.
Any suggestions?
Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
<http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)
...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.