From:        Mike W. Loader, mloader@scs.unr.edu

(We open on a small, fog-drenched town by the edge of the Black 
Forest. Slowly the camera begins to zoom in upon one particular 
house. It focuses on one window which opens to reveal...

Couple: EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!

Oh my! Um, er, sorry, wrong house, start again.

Lyra: <Frowning> You know, there are laws against this sort of thing. 

(...scruffy-looking young men are setting up a projector, with 
some difficulty.)

Seamus: Look, why don't we jus buy us a soddin' teargas bomb an 
clean out Windex an Frito again? Then we'll have that luvverly 
stage, an mebbe even a drop 'o wine....

Giles: ...And gorillas chasing us for days afterwards, and Nabiki 
charging us a week's pay to call them off. Oi don't think so. 
We'll do this one ourselves.

Windir: <Incredulous> A *week's* pay?

Frito: They got off lucky. 

Windir: They deserved worse.

Lyra: Now you two are making me curious. Just what *did* happen when I 
was gone? You two haven't said much of anything about it.

A voice floats down from the rafters... "Kawaii! Oh, Tartuffe..." Windir 
and Frito stiffen, looking wide-eyed up at the ceiling, while Lyra looks 
speculatively at them.

Lyra: Hmmmmm.

(Otto, having noticed the burning projector, stalks over. Seamus 
and Giles pale and go silent.)

Otto: (squinting) Projector ist supposed to burn, ja?

Seamus: (stammering) No, yer honor, not really, uh, under 
control inna minute...

(Otto's face moves to Scowl #51 <Burn down mein bar, und I kill 
you slowly> He turns to the blazing projector.)

Otto: OUT! SOFORT!

(The fire turns pale, and flickers out. Otto grunts in 
satisfaction and lumbers away.)

A crash comes from up in the projection booth, followed by muffled 
roaring. The three reviewers roll their eyes.

Lyra: *Now* you've done it.

Windir: Ahem. If our esteemed editor can stop rolling around on the floor 
for a moment...

[Editor's note: <Pant> You... <Wheeze> You see, Mike? I *told* you you'd 
have fun with them in their natural home! I *told* you, I did I did 
IdidIdidIdid...]

The three down in the theatre heave a deep sigh.

Giles: Um. Right.

Mike: (inspecting the projector) Well....it's a bit crispy, but it 
seems mostly intact...gimme the fic, and I'll see if it works.

(Seamus pulls out a rather tattered copy and hands it to him. 
Mike threads it through, and flips the switch. A hum is heard, 
and an image flickers to life on the far wall. The Rats pull up 
chairs and lean back to watch.)

=================================================

               Ranma's Half - Bits and Pieces
                      Part One of Six
               A 'What the Dickens?!?' production
                written by Christopher Willmore

Lyra: Oh, dear.

Windir: What is it they say, about where angels fear to tread? <Smiles 
evilly>

Mike: (gently) Um, Kun-chan's not hentai. She's "ecchi", 
whatever that means.

Seamus: Naw, she's a hentai. I mean....

@BAP@BAP@BAP@BAP@BAP@BAP@BAP@BAP@BAP

Giles: (musing) It was really inevitable after the Australia 
remark, Oi suppose...

Mahon: Yup.

Mike: Help me peel him off the carpet.

Lyra chuckles; even Windir and Frito manage smiles. 

       Only two days had gone when Ryouga was ready -  If it 
WAS Ryouga, at all.  Some complained that he looked somewhat 
shorter, and that the criss-crossing of the thread and needle, 
along with the scorches, made it difficult to recognise his 
features, but they were a minority.  For the likes of Soun and 
Genma, it was enough to note that the work put into the 
reconstruction had taken so much from the China crew that 
their restaurant had suffered. For days after that, people 
complained that the pork bowl tasted stale; obviously the
experience had drawn from Shampoo the energy she normally 
put into cooking.

(The Rats stare at the screen in horror. In the taproom, people 
who had been eating hastily shove their plates away and run for 
the bathroom.)

Windir: This is one respect in which the review disappointed. The 
denizens of the Blau Teufel have always taken a fairly... active... role 
in the goings-on in prior stories. 

Frito: Yeah, and here, all dey do is rush for the bathrooms!

Lyra: Can't say I blame them. You know, I missed this hint the first time 
around. I think I'm glad I did.

Seamus: Yah, kinda a mean thing fer the auld ghoul ta say ta her. 
I mean, she's in mournin', even if she _is_ a bimbo. Tact is 
called fer.

Windir: What? Seamus, of all people, concerned with tact? Dear lord, I 
may be passing on into the next plane of existence. 

Giles: Bimbo? Oi dunno if you can say that, considering the 
woman you moon after....

Seamus: Oh? Should I be tellin' Ko-chan that?

Giles: (paling) Never mind.

Seamus: (smugly) Thought so.

Lyra: Heh.

       "Then what do you speak of?"
      "A manly man does not shirk from his duties to women."
       "He is DEAD!"
       "It does not matter.  Two girls was he promised to, and 
two girls shall have him."
       "Geeze," muttered Akane, "she's making me sound like a
NECROPHILIAC. This is so embarrassing!"
       "Patience, Akane." Her father rubbed her shoulder. "What 
must be, must be. Her mind is fixed, and I cannot allow 
Saotome-kun to..."

(The room goes quiet for a second. Then, several people hastily 
order more drinks.)

Windir: Again, I would have hoped for something a bit more out of the 
crowd.

Mike: She's nuts. Nodoka has flipped. She's crazier than Kodachi...

Seamus: (dangerously) Come again?

Mike: (smoothly) ..which isn't saying much, as Kodachi is a 
model of mental health. Anyhow, this is just....

Frito: Hey, MIke! Hello-oooo! <Tap, tap> WAKE UP! 

Giles: Oi think Akane is taking all this rather calmly. Her love is 
dead, she's gonna be forced to live with the corpse, and all she 
can say is that it's embarrasssing? Bloody hell, Shampoo's more 
upset than her. She's acting like she never really cared for him 
in the first place.

Seamus: (hesitantly) Ere...ya know she hides her feelin's about 
him...

Giles: Not _this_ well. And not with him dead. And not with 
wot's going on. No, Oi think we can slap an OOC charge here.

Frito: You want I should call in the Reality Police?

Mike: One wonders what Ranma's spirit would think of all this, that is, if
his ghost was hanging around.

Giles: There's an idea....

Seamus: Aw, c'mon....wot are the chances 'o Willmore puttin' 
Ranma in a fic as a ghost, 'o all things?

(Everyone facefaults.)

Lyra chuckles... a bit. A bit nervously.

Seamus: (incredulous) The daft woman's gonna make Akane keep 
'im til he's beginnin' ta ROT? This is.....

(Down in the taproom, several people are turning green and 
leaving.)

Mike: I think Chris has _really_ been working too hard lately...

Lyra: <Dryly> No kidding.

Giles: (aghast) Oi seriously doubt...

Seamus: 'ell, she might have 'im stuffed an mounted on the 
mantle, so he'll be wit her forever.

Mike: Hush, you'll give him ideas.

Frito: You ain't got the half of it, buddy! <Thinks for a minute> What's 
scary is dat he's prolly already thought of it!

       "Aiyaaaa!" shouted Shampoo, returning from a side room.
"Great-grandmother, where Ryouga?"
       "Didn't we put him in the spare cupboard?"
       "Shampoo think so, but he no there!"
       Cologne slapped her forehead.
       "Even dead, that idiot gets himself lost." A sigh. "Come on,
Shampoo, we have work to do..."

Mike: Heh.  The Lost Boy rides again. Just goes to show that you 
can't keep Ryoga down. The boy's got spirit.

Mahon: Espirit de Corpse.

(Everyone stares at him. Mahon grins sheepishly.)

All three groan.

Lyra: Well... well, at least this was one of the few bits of non-sick 
humor in the original...

Giles: Hold up...where'd everyone go?

(The Rats look around. Indeed, the Teufel is empty except for 
them and a slowly advancing Otto, who wears Scowl #71 <No 
customers>.)

Otto: (rumbling) DU! You say fic gut for business, people laugh at 
funny story! Nein, they no laugh. They vomit und run away! Who 
pay for lost business?

Frito: Uh... well...

Windir: Next time, it is simply requisite that they bring in a funnier 
fic. I admit, I am not entirely sure what they were thinking of when they 
picked *this* one to premiere in the Blau Teufel.

Seamus: Mebbe next time we'll be usin' Bailesu's theatre. Wot 
could go wrong in space?

Frito: Bwa-ha-ha... you guys really want ta put yerselves inta Dr. 
Price's control? He he he he he...

WIndir: It would serve you right, no doubt.



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.