OK, I've been applying "Self-editing for ficiton writers" to this, and
what I really like to know is: Is it always clear who is saying,
thinking or doing things.

So what I'm really looking for in C&C is stuff like "I had to read three
paragraphs down to figure out who said that line."

Gotcha.

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Project A-ko: "Promise" Chapter I: "Monday, Confrontation"
 By Henry J. Cobb

Eiko "A-ko" Magami, brushed her fiery red hair from her copper eyes
and pressed the doorbell of the house in green trim.

house WITH green trim would be clearer

The second story window opened and the sleepy face of her short, green
eyed, blond haired, friend Shiko "C-ko" Kotobuki appeared. "What, A-ko,
you've come to pick me up today?"

"Yes, now hurry up and we can get to school early this morning."

"Wait, I haven't fixed lunch yet."

"No time, I've got a plan today, and I've brought enough for both of
us." A-ko held up her lunch bag.

I've got everything figured out, I won't be late or poisoned today.

Mebbe put this in brackets <> and include it in the above paragraph, as it
*is* still Eiko...

"You made me promise yesterday, not to fight ever again, I'll avoid
B-ko, and we won't fight."

Put a period after again.  These are two separate sentences as worded.

She's waiting for a clear shot, as soon as I drop C-ko out of the line
of fire.  I won't give it to her.

Better tag this as an A-ko thought... Thinking in terms of shooting sounds
almost like B-ko til you get to the "As soon as I drop C-ko"

I won't let her get to me, she wants a fight and I won't let her have
it.

Okay...  Zen senses the pattern now... first person POV A-ko, ne?  If you
are going to do this, then you need to rephrase your descriptions so that
they sound like they're from an A-ko POV.  Not just in terms of what she is
able to see, but in word choice as well.

At lunch, A-ko shared generously with C-ko the lunch her mother had
made, as she had described her plan the previous night.  "The greatest
courage is the wisdom to know when not to fight", her mother had
agreed.

The time sense here is awkward...  subjects and objects are confused, and
so is Zen.  The meaning is grokkable, but it's garbled...

Oh no, I'm doomed.

B-ko approached the pair.  "You coward.  You won't be so lucky this
afternoon."

Back in class, A-ko tried to put her mind on her studies, and ignore the
gloating sounds B-ko made every so often.

B-ko dashed out of the classroom at the end of the last class.

She's up to no good.

"Come on C-ko, I'll walk you home."

C-ko stopped on the path.  "Remember A-ko, tomorrow's my turn to bring
lunch."

This seems kinda... well, choppy.  If you flesh out the descriptions a
little more, it may help.  There is no real sense of the flow of time...
Perhaps add events, or flesh out the descriptions as they are and
consolidate some paragraphs.

Grab!

Definitely needs more description... Are you trying for a radio drama sort
of effect here?

"It'll be alright C-ko, it's just something B-ko and me need to work
out, please tell my parents that I may be a little late tonight."

"OK."

It's been hours since B-ko chained me up in her garage.  What is she
waiting for?  Surely she doesn't think that these chains can hold me?
She'll come, we'll talk, she'll see.  I just hope she hurries up before
I catch a cold.

Again, time passage is indistinct.  Show this!

Finally the door opened and B-ko stepped into the garage.  She wore a
robe over her nightgown and a pair of fuzzy slippers.  In her hand she
carried a mostly full wine glass that she sipped at, but it obviously
hadn't been her first one this evening.

"You've been celebrating?"

"No, plotting your final destruction."

"B-ko, we don't have to play these games."

"But first, I'll have to humiliate you properly."  B-ko stood right
before A-ko. "Maybe I'll tie you up in front of the school for a week
or..."

The dialogue flows more smoothly here...  The pacing is much better.

This just isn't working out right.  I have to show her.  There's plenty
of slack in these chains.  I can hop up with super speed, hug her and
give her a friendly peck on the check.  Then she'll see that I could
hurt her, but I won't.  I just want to be friends.

"...do something to get your mangled body on the evening news..."

B-ko only had time for a half-step back as A-ko made her lunge, but it
was enough to spoil A-ko's aim.

The peck turned into a full kiss to the lips.  B-ko dropped her glass,
which shattered and splashed them both, but A-ko did not notice.  The
kiss seemed to have fire and lightning.  A-ko felt dizzy, B-ko stiffened
then relaxed in her arms.

They held the kiss for many moments.  Finally, A-ko pulled back. "B-ko,
I..."

"No!  You can't trick me this way!"  B-ko broke free from A-ko's limp
grasp and bolted for the door, in tears.

How did that happen?  What did I do wrong?

Yes.  This is much better.

When she returned home, she tried to enter as quietly as possible, but
her dad was waiting in the living room, pretending to read the Daily
Plenet.  "Did the big date not go so hot?"

 Planet?

Then she rolled over and tried to sleep.

Zen thinks that part of the problems with abruptness stem from the fact
that these one line paragraphs do not always have antecedents for the
pronouns... Here for instance, the antecedent of "she" is, of course, A-ko.
Say so.  Having to guess all the time, even when it appears obvious, makes
reading it stressful.

Also, there needs to be more description here...  If you're trying to crawl
into A-ko's head, crawl in!  Give more of her thoughts, her feelings, her
POV.  She has been under a lot of new stresses today.  Don't just tell it,
Show it!

Zen went back and looked at his copy of an earlier version of this
segment... It was much smoother, without the exclusive A-ko first person
POV.

Zen hopes that helps... this rewrite just doesn't work for Zen.

Gomen nasai.  >_<


Zen the Heretic-