C&C on Brother and Sister chap1+2 Beta by comex1@village.ios.com

Well where should I start ...

First a pun:  If you share pennies, you have common cents.

The Good:
* I like the plot.  Stories about Ranma's sister are not unheard of, but
  this one catches my attention for some reason.  Maybe it's the bird :)
  This plot shows quite a bit of promise *if* you can work out the bugs,
  which regretfully there are quite a few of.

The Bad:
* The script form.  Although my 1st (and only) Ranma fic was in script
  form, in retrospect, script is one of the worst means of printed
  storytelling.  Pros:  1) it is easy to write, 2) no repetitive "he
  said, she said, he then said, she replied, etc" stuff, 3) easy to
  describe the scene.  Cons:  1) it is meant for visuals, 2) the 
  transitions are too abrupt, 3) the conversations are a bit stilted
  i.e. they don't flow too well, esp in fast conversations, 4) it is
  quite hard to tell the tone of speaking, 5) not enough descriptions
  since the script does not need to describe the surroundings, the mood,
  atc.

And the Ugly:
* Excessive use of "!", "?", and capitals.  When you use 4 "!"'s, it
  tells me that it is replacing the emphasis in the words.  In other
  words, the excessive punctuation is trying to make up for lack of
  emphasis in the speech.  This can be remedied by getting out of 
  script form.

Idea/comments/etc

* How does the drowned-twin pool work?  I.e. if it is like the other
  Jhusenkyo pools, then hot water reverses the changes.  However, since
  it produces twins, does both twins need to be hit by hot water to go 
  back to being single, or is it one way only?  There is one relatively
  easy solution, and that is to use the Chiisui-ton water to lock her
  cursed form in.  That'll solve the problem of her disappearing.  It
  has been debated that using warm Chiisui-ton water _might_ lock the
  person in the uncursed form.

There's a lot of places that need work, but if you convert to paragraph
form, you can make quite a few additions.  IMHO, I find the script form
to be rather limiting on how much you can describe a situation/scene.
Characterization is important (which you seem to be making decent 
progress in), but without the right amount of description, it is lost
to the background.  In conclusion, I would heartily recommend that that
you continue on this or a similar plot thread, but do it in a format
more conducive for print.  The only really good scripts I've read are
by Shakespeare ...


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