phantomr@sprynet.com verbalized:
Greetings all!
O.k. this is a rather large rough draft, I just stopped typing
in 5mins ago. Rough, rough, rough. You get the point :). C+C is welcomed....I
don't care how big or how small....._anything_ is the operative world here. ;)
This is my first attempt into this universe, I don't see self insertion on the
horizon. I'm not planning on it. Welp that it, it's short...so have fun.
I can't say much for the plot - there doesn't appear to be one. It's more
of a filler for missing time from 'In Love'. Need more to go on.
The stars shined.
Space was just as black as it always had been.
Space had pin holes of light winking on and off. The Milky Way Galaxy
swirled quietly.
The moon and Earth rotated on their axis.
What is this? A play-by-play from HHGTTG? It reads a little too comical,
although, I understand the angle you're looking for. Try to add just a
little more to each statement and string them together. When they are
short, chopy sentences, they seem to imply comedy.
Kain slowly roared towards Earth. His one intent, destroy the Jurian
Family on Earth, the Masaki Family. But it was not the Masaki Family of the
Maybed throw in something about how it had figured out who to take out, how
to do it, and where he got the info from. He was in prison for over a 100
years - had plenty of time to think.
and Kiyone. His body, made of pure energy surged as the blue little dust ball
came into view. This place where Jurian energy resided was in some backwater
maybe '...dust ball of a planet came into..."
world, why does it always have to be back water? He wondered, he quickly
dismissed the question and quickly made planet fall. The only thing that
Terran's Radar Systems would pick up would be a very large meteoroid.
This meteoroid was about to change history.
But history had already been written and cannot be erased.
first: 'be a back water'
second: I dunno - I didn't pick up Kain to be your run of the mill villan
with standard 'thug thoughts'. He seemed deeper, more motivated. Also,
would he think about the meteor comparison? Would he actually care?
Captain Scott leaned over his Cabbit Comm Officer's shoulder and eyed
Cabbit Comm Officer? Washu created the cabbit form, and as far as I was
aware, all the cabbits in exsistance were in her lab. (Occationally
sneaking out and stealing carrots - see the Tenchi Muyo! Special)
navigator. A'anoki had been promoted to Detective and her first act as Detective
Second Class was to go on vacation. She was the loner of the group but was more
I like that line about the vacation.
punched up her findings. "But if it keeps this course, it'll end up."
_Earth._
_Earth._
Maybe, 'it'll end up at...." She looked up at her superior. "...a protected
planet called, Earth."
(When Mihoshi first appeared, the dialogue discribed Earth as a 'protected
planet' - no space visitors allowed to vist, they have to come into space
on their own, that kind of thing.)
"Who's patrolling that part-"
"You really don't want to know."
Scott turned to Hanna, he was slightly taken aback from this. "Really?"
Both Hanna and J'anoki replied in unison: "Really."
"That bad eh?" He muttered. He gave the sensor log back to Hanna and
dismissed her. "Keep tracking the field, I want updates, Commander."
"Yessir."
Cute.
Ok - so this is not a nice C&C, but honestly, there isn't much to work on.
Send me more when (if) you get it.
AlberCrombie
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AlberCrombie - Hentai Space Gopher e-mail: gopher@venus.net
http://www.venus.net/~gopher **fansubs available here**
_/\ Ranma 1/2 _/\ Maison Ikkoku _/\ Cuety Honey _/\ F^3 \_/ Dragon Pink _/\_
My poison fills your head as I tuck you into bed
You feel my fingertips you won't forget my lips
You'll feel my cold breath it's the kiss of death
- Megadeth _Tornado Of Souls_