Bryan's C&C Boilerplate -- Short Form      Changed: August 23, 1996

If you send a reply to this message to the list, please send a copy to
<bkogawa@primenet.com>.  Comments on my comments are welcome.

If you want people (like me) to comment on your story, comment by
private email only, or send you a carbon copy of comments, please put a
note to that effect in your messages.

If I missed your story, you have comments or questions on this
boilerplate, or you want me to NOT comment on your story, please email.

Last, but not least, I encourage YOU to comment on stories!

	     -- The secret words are BEGIN COMMENTARY --

I read the whole thing, but I am only going to comment on this section
particularly at the moment because I'm lazy.  If you want, I can try to go
through the other parts (which I have hanging around).

First off, I liked the story.

One of the things I liked the most was how the motivations of the
characters meshed together well.  Kuno goes crazy because he thinks he's
murdered Ranma, and he is punishing himself...

One problem, though, is that these motivations seem to be told a bit more
than shown, and I think that showing more than telling might work better.

Question:  What happened with Kodachi?  While, in most cases, Kodachi gets
the very short end of just about every explanation, Richard Lawson broke
the trend with the Name of the Rose (right?  I could easily have messed up
the title), and I'd love to see more about her.

However, it really felt like all of the things that happened in the story
were rather coincidental--everything was "too neat."  At least, that's my
take.  It may have been more dramatic with less cleanliness in the
resolution.

On Mon, 26 Aug 1996, Shaun Schillinger wrote:

Here is Part six of Well, Well.  C & C are always welcome.


“Well, Well - Part 6”

Akane looked at Ranma, grabbed his hands and nodded.  “With all my heart, 
yes.”

Hm.  I don't know why, but this quote seems a bit... off.  I don't know.
I don't think I can tell you much beyond that--it feels like a strange,
somewhat silly response.

Akane tossed in her bed.  “Things sure have changed,” she thought.  “Who 
could have imagined that Ukyo and Konatsu would become a couple?  Ryoga 
and Akari is kind of obvious.  Him being P-chan sure explains a lot.  
P-chan disappearing for weeks at a time, Ranma picking on him, P-chan 
always turning his back when I got dressed.  But, I’m going to have to do 
something to him for tricking me like that.”  Akane grinned wickedly.

Akane sure seems to have mellowed, but I suppose being dead could do that
to you.

“All of our pursuers have either left or given up on us.  Right?”  Akane 
asked.

Hm... pursuers is probably the right term for these people, but it feels
wrong to me for some reason.  Maybe I feel like it's too clean or
something.

Nabiki looked up and smiled as Akane walked in the room.  The smile 
instantly disappeared when Ranma entered.  Akane put her finger to her 
lips to tell Nabiki to be quiet.  Akane walked around Kuno and sat in a 
chair in front of him.

Hm.  Nabiki is a bit calm when Ranma's here... maybe I'm just looking for
more tension.

Kuno wasn’t really listening to Nabiki talk.  “Why must the Blue Thunder 
of Furinkan High be held captive here?  Only the fair Nabiki visits.  She 
must have something that the jailer does not want exposed, or else she 
would not be allowed into my presence.

Nifty.

What’s this, Akane and Ranma alive?  This is a cruel joke on Nabiki’s 
behalf.  A wishing well?  Ryoga?  Hmmff.  He couldn’t find his way out 
the door, let alone his way to a magical well.  No, this is just another 
cruel joke on Kuno Tatewaki.  Saotome made a fool of me for a year, 
posing as my osage no onna.

What’s this?  Tendo Akane?  This can’t be!  She’s dead!  But wait, Nabiki 
said something earlier about a wish.

While this is good, it seems a bit terse, as well... I think maybe I'm
looking for descriptive text on how Kuno feels (physically, emotionally,
and so on) instead of just mental dialog.

Akane!  How I’ve missed your beautiful face.  Oh to be graced with such 
beau ...  Nani?  Hospital?  But this is a prison!  I’m being held here 
for the murder of Saotome Ranma!  Don’t you understand that I’m being 
punished?  Kodachi?  But, but I don’t remember...  My hand?  It doesn’t 
want to move.  It’s being punished, just like the rest of my body.  It 
more so, for it held the katana.

Maybe ... my body.  More so, for it held the katana.

I like this motivation, a LOT.  Still, I feel like I'd like a little
more.

“Welcome back, Kuno-chan!”  Nabiki said, as she kissed him on the cheek. 
 A tear started to run down her face.  She looked up to Akane and smiled. 
 “Arigotto, sister.”

Akane sat bolt upright and stared at Ranma.  “Nani?”  she screamed in her 
mind.  “What does this baka think he’s doing.  Everybody wants us to get 

Maybe ... think he's doing?  Everybody ...

Ranma noticed the shock on Akane’s face.  “Akane, when our fathers agreed 
to have us get married.  They made the decision, not us.  I think that is 

Maybe ... to have us get married, they made the decision, not us.

one of the reasons we would fight so much.  With that gone now.  We can 
make our own choices.  All of my iinazuke’s are gone.  All of your 

Maybe ... With that gone now, we can make our own choices.

If I get around to writing “The Phantom Prankster” I promise I will TRY 
and not use the “ or ” 

Wai!  Bryan is very happy!  Bryan is trying to talk like Mihoshi!  @_@

(apologies to Mihoshi)

Seriously... I thought this fic was very good--I just wanted more of it: 
more complication, more drama, more description. :)

bryan k ogawa  <bkogawa@primenet.com>   http://www.primenet.com/~bkogawa/