Well, here's the third one, guys! Enjoy!
Peter L. Ward falcon@best.com Kyusaku on IRC #Anime!
Caretaker of the Urd Shrine (http://www.best.com/~falcon/urdhome.htm)
"Sensei...my brother...my brother...promise me...that you'll
kick his ass!" Jinnai Nanami - El Hazard #7
-------------- Enclosure number 1 ----------------
Magical Girl Fanfic Theater
By Peter L. Ward
Starring:
- Miyakawa Mika as Exquisite Soldier Lovely Freesia
- Toriyama Akiko as Exquisite Soldier Crimson Rose
- Mura Natsumi as Exquisite Soldier Golden Poppy
- and Penko as herself
Tonight's Feature Presentation: Tenchi Muyo! Bug Bash
by AlberCrombie
[The lights come up on our three regular reviewers with their
robotic mascot, Penko. All three are seated with Penko in Mika's
lap and Mika looking a bit self-conscious over her uniform.]
[Mika]
Hi there! I'm Miyakawa Mika!
[Akiko]
I'm Toriyama Akiko!
[Natsumi]
Hiiiiiiiii! I'm Mura Natsumi!
[Mika, looking slightly annoyed]
And welcome to Magical Girl Fanfic Theater!
[Akiko]
Hey, Mika, did you notice how it became "Girl" instead of "Girls"
this time?
[Natsumi]
Really? I didn't know that!
[Mika]
You're right! First session, it was "Girl", then it was "Girls", and
now it's back to "Girl" again. What's the problem? Writer can't
make up his mind?
[Akiko]
I think he's having problems keeping things straight...
[Mika]
I know how to fix that! His office is just above that overhang
behind us, right?
[Akiko]
Um, yeah. Why?
[Mika]
Here, Natsumi, you hold Penko for a bit. Akiko, signal me until I'm
right under his office, okay?
[Mika sneaks off several rows until she's under the overhang that
was mentioned. Akiko waves at her until she's right under where the
writer's office would be. As soon as she's in position, Mika holds
her hands in front of her as if she were holding an imaginary sword.
She draws a large breath (with spectacularly visual results) and...]
[Mika]
MAGIC...SOUL...BLADE!!!!
[A bright flash of light fills the holovid theater as a five-meter-
long energy blade forms in Mika's hands. The blade easily reaches
through the ceiling and a loud scream could be heard from the
writer's office.]
[Mika, shouting up at the ceiling]
There! Now that I've got your attention, jerk, GET YOUR TITLES
STRAIGHT!! Thank you! That was also for this stupid costume you
put me into!
[Mika struts back down the aisle and gets back into her seat after
deactivating her energy blade.]
[Penko]
Really, Mika! I know that you've got some complaints with the
writer, but you shouldn't use your powers like that!
[Akiko]
Yeah! After all, you don't know what kind of revenge he might come
up with, and all of us are at his mercy!
[Natsumi, giggling]
I thought it was really funny!
[Mika]
At least *someone* enjoyed it. Besides, I figured that I'd find
*some* use for that really long blade...
[Penko]
Anyway, we have a long evening ahead of us, ladies. We have both
a prologue and a first part to review tonight.
[Natsumi]
Prologue and first part of what?
[Penko]
You'll see, child...
[The lights dim down and the night's fanfic comes up on the holovid
screen...]
Tenchi Muyo! Bug Bash
by AlberCrombie (gopher@venus.net)
Prologue
In our galaxy there are things we have yet to comprehend; stars with
no names, gases that defy recognition, planets which hide from sight.
-----
[Mika]
Why the hell we got drafted into the Magical Girl Corps...
-----
However, there are other things that cause more confusion for those who know
of them. For example, once they meet her, few are able to explain why the
Galaxy Police would ever accept people like....
"MIHOSHI!!!!!!!"
"huh?" The Galaxy Policwoman said as she twisted her control cube
for the nth^3 time.
"HIT THE BRAKES!!!!!!!" Yukinojo screamed. He was the police
crusier's on board computer and his panic circuits were overloading. He had
made this trip too many times, and he was not thrilled about the idea
of ending up as scrap metal once again.
-----
[Mika, giving a sidelong glance at Natsumi]
Gee, I wonder who Mihoshi reminds me of...
[Natsumi]
I dunno!
[Akiko]
Anyway, shouldn't that be "onboard", not "on board"?
[Penko]
Probably.
-----
Every time that Mihoshi went to her floating HQ at Jupiter to make a
report it was always the same on return to Earth; she kept forgetting that
the Earth didn't have automatic landing beacons beaming landing instructions
to incoming ships. Because of this, each time, Yukinojo had to remind her
to land the ship by hand, and each time, she would blow it, and he - along
with the rest of the ship - would 'become one' with the planet below. He
seemed destened to spend eternity as a huge lump of scrap, devoid of
electronic life. At least until the wonderful Washu-chan rebuild him and
the rest of the ship.
-----
[Mika]
I thought that was her mothership, not her HQ.
[Akiko]
I thought so too. At least we're getting a point of view other than
Tenchi and the horde, and that's from Mihoshi's long-suffering ship's
computer.
-----
Yukinojo wondered how long the genius of the galaxy would keep
rebuilding him and the ship for Mihoshi. For that matter, he also pondered,
how long would she, or could she put up with Mihoshi? Questions for another
day, if it ever came.
-----
[Mika]
I can certainly empathize with Yukinojo or anyone who has to deal with
Mihoshi on a regular basis...
[Natsumi]
Why?
[Mika]
Forget I said anything...
-----
That was another thing that disturbed Yukinojo - why no one had
taken the blasted thing away from her. She had proved many times that she
had not one clue on how to operate it, yet she was determined to continualy
fiddle with it until she got it right. The problem was, the McDonald's
Fry-guy shaped computer thought, that the 'it' that was to be 'right'
constantly changed because she constantly forgot what she was working on!
This minute she might be trying to get the ship to make a cup of coffee then
the next she would be trying to convince the toaster oven to dry the cat.
If she would just work on one idea, she might actually get it.
-----
[Mika]
Yeah, and that'll be the day that the youma settle down and become
peaceful...
-----
Yukinojo prayed that she would never use it on him - he had
nightmares of being turned into a 1946 Dodge, a Mr. Coffee, or worse, a
galactic parking meter; it was things like this that always brought his
100,000 mile maintance check 20,000 miles early. He glanced at the status
monitor and noticed they would both land in one piece, for once, at the
Jurian's Prince Tenchi's home. He was glad.
-----
[Mika]
Any guesses as to how long this'll last?
[Akiko]
Oh, maybe a minute or two?
[Penko]
I'd say half-a-minute.
-----
Yukinojo stuck his 'head' out from his little hidey hole in the
ceiling. Good, he wasn't aparking meter yet. He closed back up and hid
somemore.
-----
[Akiko]
That probably should be "a parking", not "aparking".
-----
Mihoshi twisted and cranked the cube a few more times and then in a
fit of anger, slammed the cube down on the desk in front of her. Yukinojo's
positron life flashed in front of his sensors when he realized what just
happened. Abusing a control cube was a good way to complete the impossible
and improbable at the same time. For example, if you wanted to generate the
hulking wreck of the Titanic at three parsecs from Earth, slam your control
cube into a brick wall for a while. Why? Because, it might just work.
-----
[Akiko]
I wonder if this really should be a side effect of an improbability
drive...
[Natsumi]
What's an improbability drive?
[Mika]
Here, read this you ditz.
[Mika hands Natsumi a copy of the hypertext edition of The Hitch-
hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.]
-----
"Shoot! I can never get this to work right!"
She didn't notice that the cube gleamed with a sickly, pale light
after it impacted with the desk, but she did notice the rustling sound that
appeared behind her right as the gleam disappeared.
"What's that?!" She stutered. Looking around, she noticed movement
from the darkend corner.
-----
[Akiko]
That probably should be "darkened".
-----
"Uh....I'm a Galaxy Police office..." she gulped "...ficer, c-c-come
out!"
Yukinojo, sticking his head out againg to survey any possible
damage, noted that bravery was not part of her more appealing traits, but he
had to give her credit with her duty - she may be scared but she was ready
for what ever would happen next. She had her laser pistol out and pointed
at the darkened corner.
-----
[Akiko]
Like right here, for instance.
-----
Yukinojo stayed silent - there wasn't anything he could do. He just
prayed that if she fired she wouldn't hit him or anything else vital to the
ship! If a computer could sweat, he would have been losing gallons right
then.
-----
[Mika]
No wonder why I seem a few pounds lighter these days! I've been
sweating it off thanks to the ditz next to me!
[Natsumi]
Really? I'm glad to be of help to my friends!
[Mika, to herself]
Count to ten very, very slowly...
-----
Mihoshi stood up from her command seat. "Alright, I'm going to
come over there! D-d-don't you move!" She took a step forward and the
something in the darkness jumped; straight for her.
"AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!"
*BBBBRRRTTTZZZZ*
"EEEIIKKK!!!!!"
*THUD*
"YYYYEEEEEEKK!"
[Later, after piecing the fragments of his memory back together, Yukinojo
figured out that Mihoshi paniced, fired her pistol, hit his left visual
sensor causing him to scream (wouldn't you?), and then she collapsed
screaming on the floor as the 'thing' slammed into.]
-----
[Mika]
Slammed into...? What?
-----
Mihoshi nerviously blinked and looked at the thing sitting on her
lap. It was about the size of Ryo-oh-ki but was white and fuzz, googly eyes,
ears like a rabbit, and 8 spindly legs. It just looked at her and wiggled
it's nose.
-----
[Akiko]
Maybe it was fuzzy instead of fuzz?
[Mika]
Either way, I smell trouble here...
[Natsumi]
I don't smell anything except for the popcorn machine in back...
[Mika, again to herself]
This time, count to twenty...
-----
"You're cute!" She squeeked, forgetting her fear. She reached out
and rubbed it's ears.
Just then, the Ship's breaking system disingaged and started
to plummit straight down into Masaki lake below. Right before the impact,
Yukinojo fired a distress call to Washu-chan with practiced ease.
-----
[Penko]
Shouldn't that be "plummet"?
[Akiko]
Yes, it should...
-----
* * *
BOOM!!!!!!
An explosion shook Washu's sub-dimension lab. Washu looked up from
her computer terminal towards a panel on a nearby piece of equipment. There,
on the top, blinked a little red light.
"Just as I thought - Yukinojo went ker-plunk again. *Sigh* He has
too tough of a life for a simple police computer. Oh, well, I'll get to him
a little later."
She went back to hacking on Subnet - Galaxian equivilent of the
Internet.
-----
[Mika]
Gee, I didn't know ancient video games had their own networks...
[Akiko]
Maybe he meant to say "Galactic"...
-----
* * *
"WWAAAAHHH!!!!!!"
"Now, Mihoshi, there's no need to cry, Washu-chan will get your ship
rebuilt...again." Tenchi added that last word after he realized that this
was the fifth time in a year that Washu would be called upon to rebuild
Mihoshi's crusier. Deffinatley a new record.
-----
[Mika]
"Deffinatley"?
[Akiko]
Should be "Definitely"
-----
"*Sniff* But I just had it fixed! And it was working so well for
once!" The wet blonde pulled the blanket tighter around her soaking body.
Somehow, she always figured out a way to survive the impact of her ship and
the bottom of Masaki lake.
-----
[Mika]
Maybe it's just dumb luck. I'm sure we can name someone in this theater
who also can't get by without such luck...
[Natsumi]
We can?
[Mika, flashing an evil grin]
Yup.
[Akiko]
Oh, come on, Mika. You know that her luck sometimes tips a battle
in our favor.
[Mika]
Yeah, but can you explain how she got through kindergarten without
that luck? I can't!
-----
Sasami handed her a nice, hot cup of tea and Rho-oh-ki climbed up
and cuddled into Mihoshi's lap trying to comfort her.
-----
[Mika]
"Rho-oh-ki"? Is this a new cabbit in the Tenchi household?
[Akiko]
That's probably just a typo there...
-----
"If you didn't keep going back to make reports you wouldn't have
this problem." Ryoko said, hovering only a few feet away.
"But, it's part of my job!" Mihoshi cried, "I'm supposed to do
things like that!"
Ryoko desperately tried to not teleport screaming from the room as
Mihoshi flashed her big, empty, blue, saucer-like eyes at the space pirate.
Having to deal with that view too long would deffinately drive anybody
nuts.
-----
[Mika, flashing another sidelong glance at Natsumi]
Tell me about it...
-----
"...Rabbit thing...?"
Tenchi and crew turned to the new voice, it was Washu's. She had
just stepped from her laboratory to see a frantic Mihoshi tear past. "What
kind of 'rabbit thing'?"
Mihoshi stepped from the kitchen now covered with flour and soy
sauce. "The little rabbit thing with eight legs that popped up in the ship
right before I crashed. I saw a few minutes ago, I want to find it and make
sure it's not hurt!" Then she bolted out the front door to look outside.
Sasami, with cabbit on top, raced into the kitchen and screamed when
she saw the mess Mihoshi had made on her bizarre quest.
Washu didn't say anything, she just stood there and pondered.
"Hmmmm....'rabbit thing'...'eight legs'. This isn't good." With that she
turned and headed back into her lab.
"What's up Washu-chan?" Tenchi asked. He knew the look on her face,
and he knew it wasn't good.
She stopped, halfway into the darkness that was her lab, and looked
back at him, "I have to go make a bug report."
End Prologue
-----
[Mika]
Oh, boy...looks like things are going to get *really* interesting at
the Tenchi household...
[Akiko]
Yup...we have the makings of a crossover here.
[Penko]
Any thoughts so far, girls?
[Mika]
So far, so good. A few spelling and other minor errors, but we have
the makings of a really good story here.
[Akiko]
Characterizations are really good, and using Yukinojo's POV made
things really interesting.
[Mika]
Yeah, you gotta feel for the poor bot.
[Natsumi, getting back into her seat with a tub of popcorn]
Anyone want any?
[Akiko]
Any butter in it?
[Natsumi]
Of course!
[Akiko]
I think I'll pass, then. Gotta keep my figure for this costume...
[Mika]
Same here, especially since so much more of it can be seen in my
costume...
[Natsumi]
Okay! You want any, Penko?
[Penko]
No thanks. That stuff will just mess up my circuits and actuators...
[Natsumi]
I guess I'll just have to eat it all up, then!
[Mika]
Don't you worry about your figure at all?
[Natsumi]
Nope! I can eat all I want and I never seem to gain any weight...
[Mika, to no one in particular]
I hate her...I really hate her...
-----
Tenchi Muyo! Bug Bash
by AlberCrombie (gopher@venus.net)
Chapter 1
Ever wondered what it would be like to be a cabbit? Being cute and
addorable, eating carrots all day, hanging out with Tenchi and crew,
occationally transforming into a space ship and playing with morons like
Kagato and Dr. Clay...
-----
[Mika]
Oh, good! Another POV from a character we don't hear from much,
except for her myaa'ing.
[Penko]
I like it! It's not often that us mascots get to tell at least part
of the story.
[Akiko]
At least we have an idea when the story takes place. Sometime after
OAV #13, I believe...
[Natsumi]
I'm confused again! Where's Kiyone??
[Mika]
Dummy! She's in the TV continuity!
[Natsumi]
I don't understand! I thought they were the same thing.
[Mika, getting more and more annoyed by the minute]
Wait until after the show's over, then I'll explain it to you in my
own special way...
[Penko]
No violence, now, Mika...
[Mika, muttering]
No fun at all, I tell you...
-----
*sigh* What a life.
Well, just that moment in her life, Ryo-oh-ki was wishing she could
have been doing *ANY* of that. Instead, she was hiding under the sun-room's
sofa trying to cover her fluffy ears to block out the noise.
-----
[Akiko]
Anyone notice the change in indentation here?
[Mika]
You mean how it went from a full tab to just a single space?
[Akiko]
Yeah. The tab worked much better, don't you think?
[Mika]
Yup.
-----
Ryoko had a new CD on the stereo...
Worse, it was a rather loud CD...
Worse yet, Washu had connected a 'special' amp to the reciever...
In other words...it was *VERY* loud.
[To steal a quote from _Spinal Tap_ : "This one goes to eleven."]
-----
[Mika]
I think my folks have that film in their classics collection...
[Akiko]
Really? Think I could borrow it sometime?
[Mika]
Sure, I don't think my folks would mind you watching it at all. By
the way, shouldn't the CD be *in* the stereo instead of *on* it?
[Akiko]
You're probably right...
-----
Tenchi blinked away the remaining sleep from his eyes. "Wha?
Washu!? What's going on?" He jogged to catch up the crab haired genious who
was heading for the lab's exit.
Simple, I sucked you into the lab before the stereo exploded." She
opened a round-topped door and stepped into the dimensional matrix beyond.
The matrix emptied into the neighboring dimension, which just happened to be
the Masaki sun-room. Tenchi followed and gasped when he reached the 'real
world'. The sun-room was a mess; worse it was missing an outside wall.
-----
[Akiko]
Should be something he'd be used to given his houseguests...
[Mika, giving yet another sidelong glance at Natsumi]
Then again, some things you really can't get used to. By the way,
with the exploding amps and stereos, you think AlberCrombie's
borrowing from another 20th century movie?
[Akiko]
Back to the Future?
[Mika]
Yup.
[Penko]
I'd have to disagree here. Ryoko didn't plug a guitar into the amp
like Marty did in the film. I don't think the comparison can really
be made here.
[Mika]
Oh, well...it was worth a shot.
-----
Washu just glanced about and took in all the desctrution as calmly as
someone looking for a can of soup at the grocery story. "I figured as
much." She found something interesting where the stereo used to be and
poked through the few non-disintigrated pieces.
The young Juraian prince quickly scanned through the debris. The
outer wall was completely removed. Bit of it remained scattered on the
deck, but most of it was now either floating or sinking in the lake. The
rest of the room wasn't any better; the sofa overturned, windows and picture
frames shattered, assorted furniture in various states of broke. The one
thing he didn't see was the dancer.
-----
[Akiko]
As I said, it should be par for the course in that household...
-----
"RYOKO!!!" Tenchi ran through the missing wall and onto the deck
overlooking Masaki Lake. "RYOKO?!?!"
"I wouldn't worry about her, Tenchi, she's a big girl." Washu
called from the debris laden room.
-----
[Mika]
Gee, I can see who's getting Mother of the Year award here...
[Akiko]
Well, it's not the first time we've seen apparent callousness on
Washuu's part, but Washuu *did* create her and she does have a mind-
link with her. I think it's safe to assume that Ryoko is, indeed,
all right.
-----
"Well, I expected something like this sooner or later after Mihoshi
told us of her encounter on her police cruiser. And I just happened to be
checking the various monitors about the house and grounds when I saw one of
Mihoshi's bugs next to the stereo, so I knew something was going to happen.
You're lucky, I noticed you coming down the steps and had just enough time
to suck you into the safety of the lab through one of my blackholes before
the stereo went on maximum overdrive. You're pretty lucky!" She dropped the
piece of junk she was holding and scooted up to Tenchi, "actually, after we
get all this mess cleaned up, if you want to 'get lucky' again...." She
learned her head on Tenchi's chest.
-----
[Mika]
She just doesn't give up, does she?
[Akiko]
She's nearly as bad as her daughter and Aeka.
-----
This was good news to Tenchi, he knew that a small explosion like
that wouldn't damage the space vixen, but he didn't still didn't like to see
her hurt. He started to glance about the room again, when he saw a bit of
brown fluff move under some rubble.
"RYO-OH-KI!!!"
"MeerrrrrrrooooooooOOOOWWWWW!!"
Tenchi may not have been too worried about permanent damage to
Ryoko, but damage to his favorite cabbit, was a different matter. Cabbits
may have been made from crystal matter, but they were still fragile. He
quickly scooped up the cabbit and called Washu over.
-----
[All three girls and the robopet]
Awwwww!!!! Poor Ryo-oh-ki!!!!!!
-----
"Oh, dear, this looks serious. Tenchi, carry Ryo-oh-ki into the lab. I'll
have to look after her there."
Ryo-oh-ki looked up at Tenchi with tear filled eyes and let out a
small whimper. "Don't worry, Ryo-oh-ki, Washu'll fix you up." Tenchi was
headed for the lab door when the front door chimes rang.
"I'll get it," Washu said, "You just take Ryo-oh-ki down to the
medical level, I'll be there in a minute. This is could be the folks I've
been expecting." She headed for the front door.
"Uh, sure." With cabbit in hand, Tenchi disappeared into the
blackness of Washu's lab.
-----
[All three girls and their mascot are too busy sobbing and bawling
to comment at the moment...]
-----
* * *
Washu opened the front door and before her stood a small, slender
black haired girl wearing flowing red and white clothes, with what appeared
to be a croquet mallet slung on her back.
"Yes?"
"Ohayo gozaimasu! I'm looking for a...", she glanced at a ripped
computer printout, "....Ms. Washu?"
"That's me, call me Washu-chan! Are you the exterminator?"
"Yup! That's me!" She grinned like she was going to explode. "I'm
Skuld, System debugger First Class! Yoroshiku!" Skuld bowed.
-----
[Mika]
Gee...I think Skuld's been picking up a bad habit from her older
sister...
[Akiko]
Which one?
[Mika]
The habit of inflating one's position and status. Last I checked,
Skuld got demoted to being an Earth Trainee at the end of the AMG
anime...
[Akiko]
Oh, people do it all the time. It's not just Urd, you know...
-----
"Well, you're here sooner than I thought, but not a minute too late!
We've already been 'bugged' and I think there's more on the way."
Skuld frowned, "That's not good. Acutally, we were on vacation, and
I just happened to check my e-mail on the road. It turns out that we
weren't too far from here, so I took the case."
Washu looked up when Skuld said 'we' and noticed two motorbikes with
sidecars and three other people setting off to the side of the drive way.
There was one male looking at the engine of a small bike and sidecar. He
appeared to be about Tenchi's height, maybe a bit smaller. Next to him was
a long blonde haired girl; Washu thought she saw a family resemblence to
Skuld. Finally, leaning next to what appeared to be some American oversized
motorcycle was a bored platnum blonde female who reminded Washu of Ryoko,
only with more meat on her bones and more shapely curves.
-----
[Mika]
You know, that's another reason why I'm glad we don't have any males
on our show. They'd be drooling over people like Urd here.
[Akiko]
And what was your other reason?
[Mika]
They'd be drooling over our costumes.
-----
The blonde girl walked over and introduced her self, "I'm Beldandy,
it's very nice to meet you." She too bowed before Washu. "Have you had much
trouble with the bugs?"
-----
[Akiko]
That should be spelled "Belldandy", shouldn't it?
-----
"Well, let's see...", putting a finger to her chin and glancing at
the sky, "not unless you count a falling space ship, an exploding stereo,
and," a thought registered in Washu's brain, "...an injured cabbit! Excuse
me, I have to go take care of somebody who just got hurt. In the back room,
you'll find the latest damage. Ignore Ryoko, she was knocked out from the
explosion, she'll be fine. Kitchen's off to the right, help yourself. I'll
be back in a few minutes." With that, she turned and ran for the lab door
and disappeared.
Beldandy and Skuld just stood there looking at the open doorway.
"Spaceships?" said Skuld.
"Stereos?" replied Beldandy.
They looked at each other, "cabbits???"
-----
[Mika]
Gonna be one *interesting* crossover here...
-----
Beldandy went back and collected her companions at the motorbikes,
while Skuld bounced into the house unslinging her bug bopper.
-----
[Akiko]
That's it for now! At least until AlberCrombie puts out part 2.
[Mika]
This was a good fic! A few, *ahem*, bugs to work out, but quite good.
[Akiko]
Yes, it was. I was going to ask how Washuu knew about goddesses and
bugs, but she's 20,000 years old. She ought to have learned a thing
or two about them in that time, even accounting for the millenia in
deep-freeze.
[Natsumi]
She's 20,000 years old?? She looks like a 12-year-old!
[Mika]
Numbskull! Didn't you watch the OAVs? She can control her
appearance and prefers to be seen as a 12-year-old.
[Natsumi]
Oh. Okay! ... Um, I don't get it!
[Mika]
Never mind...you'll give me a stroke if this keeps up...
[Akiko]
Well, that does it for another Magical Girl Fanfic Theater! See
you later!