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		 Ranma's Half - Bits and Pieces
			Part One of Six
		A 'What the Dickens?!?' production
		 written by Christopher Willmore

  BASED ON CHARACTERS AND SITUATIONS CREATED BY  RUMIKO TAKAHASHI
  		Original story concept by Kunoichi
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	Ranma was dead, to begin with.  There is no doubt whatever
about that.  He was as dead as Ryouga, if somewhat more intact,
and Doctor Tofu had helped the forensic team, signing the certificate
of death less than an hour after Herb's victory.
	Considering the delicacy of the situation, and the extreme
difficulty in piecing together the remains, Cologne agreed to 
prepare the corpses for burial herself.  The embalming process had
to stop and be restarted, when they found that Mousse had been 
stitching together the pieces in a somewhat less-than-correct fashion
(placing arms where the legs should be, and worse) but all in all,
they were doing a fine job.
	Only two days had gone when Ryouga was ready -  If it WAS
Ryouga, at all.  Some complained that he looked somewhat shorter,
and that the criss-crossing of the thread and needle, along with the
scorches, made it difficult to recognise his features, but they were
a minority.  For the likes of Soun and Genma, it was enough to note
that the work put into the reconstruction had taken so much from the
China crew that their restaurant had suffered. For days after that,
people complained that the pork bowl tasted stale; obviously the
experience had drawn from Shampoo the energy she normally put into
cooking.
	More than understandable, considering the state of her
'airen'.  Granted, Ranma hadn't done TOO badly.  A drawing and
quartering would have been worse - he was only thirded by an
expert swordsman.  Quick, painless, and easy to repair.  Little
thread was spent on putting together the leg, and all that remained
was to reattach his belly to his hips.  That, they decided, could
wait.  The Nekohanten freezer was large enough to keep him, and
Ryouga needed urgent attention - the magically fragrant herbs Cologne 
had brought with her from her village would not last forever, least
of all in the summer.
	And so, it was only on Thursday afternoon that the two halves
were laid side by side, to be united.  Well... Four halves.  They'd
found out, when they'd tried to scrub the corpse clean, that the
Jusenkyo curse did NOT wear off with death, and it was quite the
sight to pour differently-temperatured water onto the exposed
entrails.
	
	"Shampoo, are you certain you are ready for this?" Somehow,
Cologne didn't look as ghoulish as she normally did when placed
next to two rotting bodies.
	"Shampoo... Shampoo ready."
	"Once we start, my dear, there's no turning back... Your
debt of honour is settled with his death, but I know you held
more than a... legal interest in him.  This mending marks the first 
step in his funeral procession."
	The purple-haired Amazon bowed her head.
	"Shampoo know," she whispered, and picked up a needle.
	"Good, child. It seems you, too begin to piece
yourself together."
	"Hello?" a knock at the door, and a woman's voice. "Is 
anybody home?"
	"I'll get it," said Cologne, and pogo'd to the entryway.

	It was the Saotome woman, here with her husband (in human
form, for a change), Akane and the Tendo man.
	"We've come to see Ranma," said Nodoka.  Her expression
was firm, and she was trying her best to keep a straight face,
but her eyes were glazed over with a cover of tears. The men
were no better, while Akane merely looked... Angry, for some
reason.
	"Of course," the old woman nodded. "This way."

	She led them into the back room where the boy lay.
Shampoo started somewhat at their entry, but was admirable
in only shooting one angry glance at Akane, nothing more.
The other girl, too, did nothing but fold her arms and look away, 
keeping her angry expression.
	"You've... Done a fine job," said the mother.  The others
nodded, glad to let her do the speaking. Chances were (especially
for Soun) that if they spoke, they would be overwhelmed, and cry.
Of COURSE they didn't want to do that in front of their master's
one-time... Companion.
	"We've tried," said Cologne. "He was to be my son-in-law."
	"He was not." 	Cologne raised an eyebrow, and Nodoka 
continued.  "He had only two legitimate fiances, and Shampoo..."
	"...was among them, according to the law of the Joketsuzoku."
	"They don't apply here."
	"They apply wherever the Amazons are found."
	Silence.
	"Shampoo want get this done quick," spoke up the warrior. "You
go, so I stitch Ranma, no?"
	Nodoka looked at her husband, who paled and lowered his head.
	"If you do, it will be a DOUBLE burial."
	"Shampoo no understand... You want Ranma stay bloody butcher
chops?"
	"He owed a debt of honour," explained the woman, looking at
Genma all the while, "which has not yet been repaid.  He was to be
a man among men, or both he and Genma were to commit seppukku."
	Soun put his arm around Akane, who grunted.
	Cologne blinked.
	"I... Thought you had agreed that his curse was not an 
infringement of that oath, Saotome-san."
	"I did."
	"Then what do you speak of?"
	"A manly man does not shirk from his duties to women."
	"He is DEAD!"
	"It does not matter.  Two girls was he promised to, and two
girls shall have him."
	"Geeze," muttered Akane, "she's making me sound like a 
NECROPHILIAC. This is so embarrassing!"
	"Patience, Akane." Her father rubbed her shoulder. "What
must be, must be. Her mind is fixed, and I cannot allow Saotome-kun
to..."
	"ENOUGH, ALREADY! I UNDERSTAND!"
	The assembly turned to look at her.
	"Oops." Akane put her hand over her mouth. "Guess I shouldn't
have yelled, huh?"
	"Shampoo no understand..." 
	"Why am I not surprised..." The Tendo girl's eyes narrowed.
"Auntie's gone nuts and she's threatening to kill us all unless I
keep half of Ranma."
	"What?" The needle fell from Shampoo's hand, and Cologne's
eyes widened.
	"Yeah; that's what she's here for. Figures it'd be easier
to do now that my 'fiance' is already split apart. Guess which
half *I* get." She rolled her eyes.
	"Nodoka, can you seriously be considering..."
	"I have decided, Cologne."
	"But a proper burial..."
	"Nothing more proper than cleansing a stain upon one's
honour. His spirit will thank me."
	"You can't do this...  Saotome-kun, how can you allow it?"
She struck the bald man with her staff.
	"I... I can't stop her, Cologne," he said, rubbing his
head and breaking into tears.
	"Is she not your WIFE? Are you not a man?"
	"He'd better be," smirked the woman, unsheathing her katana,
"or he won't live to correct the error.  And... Isn't it odd for an 
Amazon to be speaking of the husband dominating the wife?"
	"Those rules do not apply here."
	"As I pointed out."
	The affair had reached a standstill.  Cologne burrowed her
brow, deep in thought. Nodoka smiled, and waved her katana.  The 
others looked. At different things, but they all looked.  Soun at the 
ghoul, Genma at his wife, Shampoo at Ranma, and Akane at the floor.
	"There are sanitary laws..." finally spoke the crone. "I can
have you arrested for keeping a corpse unburied."
	"All I want is a time long enough for his honour to be 
cleansed.  Once a meat locker is not enough to keep the body..."
	"That could be months."
	"A refrigerator, then."
	Cologne considered it, then nodded.
	"Agreed." A pause. "You WILL allow a proper funeral after that?"
	"GREAT-GRANDMOTHER!"
	"Hush, child. I know what I'm doing."  Then, to Genma's wife:
"Come back tomorrow. We will have the parts ready for you. Scrubbed,
and such. I take it the other is for..."
	Nodoka nodded.
	"Ukyou."
	
	They stood in silence for a few minutes, then the visitors
turned and left.
	All was quiet, until...

	"Aiyaaaa!" shouted Shampoo, returning from a side room. 
"Great-grandmother, where Ryouga?"
	"Didn't we put him in the spare cupboard?"
	"Shampoo think so, but he no there!"
	Cologne slapped her forehead.
	"Even dead, that idiot gets himself lost." A sigh. "Come on,
Shampoo, we have work to do..."

END PART ONE

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COMING SOON IN THE SERIES:

PART TWO: AKANE
PART THREE: UKYOU
PART FOUR: SHAMPOO
PART FIVE: KODACHI
PART SIX: A STITCH IN TIME...

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Interfector beluam Ecclesia Ryougis.
Custos tabula nomina Franka Ecclesia Azusis.
C.A.S.K.E.T. | http://qlink.queensu.ca/~4cw6
4cw6@qlink.queensu.ca  willmore@mail.idt.net