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	     -- The secret words are BEGIN COMMENTARY --

Inital reading comments:

I liked this, and encourage you to continue.  The way that the Ranma
characters end up being fitted to the El Hazard characters works,
mostly, but it seems like they are supposed to be their original,
Ranma selves, and there are points (where Ranma is revealing
corruption in the Kuno / Nabiki campaign) where it doesn't seem quite
like a fit.  Ooops.  You say that in your initial comments.  I feel
dumb, but I'll leave it here anyway.

Second time through, and more detailed:

On Fri, 23 Aug 1996, Ifurita wrote:

SEND ME FREAKING Feed Back people!
Arrrgh! I recive nil C&C for my fics....what? Don't you people read them....

OK... You asked for it. :)

Note: I have changed some of the characters, so don't flame at me for
it. (i.e., Nabiki is more controlling and a megalomaniac, Fatora looks like
Ranma. Ukyo is a lot nicer to Akane.)
Also, this is done from the dub (It is the best Dub ever!!!!!)

See... I'm forgetful.

 The only gripes I have about the dub are: No Kikuko Innoue, No Amano Yuri,
 the loss of Alielles "Onnesama!" and, well, the version of Cute Little
 Flower...ugh....
 
Feed back is walker@mail.accent.net...

        A crowd of news cameras and Dictaphone wielding reporters milled
about in the field of Furinkan gaku. A large jagged tear in the earth runs
along. A sign that reads "Warning: Unstable earth!". 

That last sentence is a sentence fragment.

        In the basement of the school, ruins have been uncovered by the 
earthquake. A large mosaic covers the floor, and a odd canister sits on a  
pedestal at on end of the ruins. A news crew, Nabiki and Kuno stand among the 
ruins. Kuno stands looking rather important. Nabiki is waiting of to one 

								 off

side of the reporter.

It seems like you're switching tenses between past and present tenses in
this story.

        "And with us, are the discovers of the Ruins, Tendo Nabiki and Kuno

I think this should be "And with us are the discoverers..."

Tatewaki." said the reporter.
        Kuno grabs the mike.
        "Yes, imagine our surprise when I, the Great Kuno Tatewaki, the Blue
Thunder..." starts Kuno, but Nabiki grabs the mike from his hands.
        "Let me handle this Kuno-chan." Said Nabiki to Kuno. She turns to the

camera. " I, the school treasurer and Vice president of student council, and
the President, have found these mysterious ruins beneath our school."

Maybe "... Vice President of Student Council, along with the President" ?

        Akane pushes past them, along with another student carrying camera.

... carrying a camera ... 

        "I'm Miss Tendo from the Broadcast club. President Kuno, Vice President 
Tendo, is it true that you're elections were rigged? That the allegations 

... your elections were ... 

        "Dammit Saotome! Don't you have any balls!" Says one of the other
students.
        "Like watermelons!" Says Ranma.
        "Oh my!" Says Ukyo, blushing.

Indeed.

        "That's why we must get ride of them! They used school funds to

... get rid of ... 

        Akane is running down along one of the out building of the school. A

... one of the outer buildings ... 

        "It wasn't just the Baseball club, the Manga, the Art, the Judo,
the Tennis, soccer, football, sumo, and Computer clubs all had deals." Said
Ukyo, Reading from a list.

Hm... maybe this would be better phrased as

  "It wasn't just the Baseball club.  The Manga, Art, Judo... and
  Computer clubs all had deals," said Ukyo

        "Now, would I do a thing like that? No, signing your fathers name to
checks is one thing, but I merle went into Akanes room, and took one from

...but I merely went into Akane's room... 

her rather ample collection. I also found one to Hibiki Ryoga, and Prince 
Toma."

Maybe this would be better phrased as "I also found letters addressed
to Hibiki Ryoga and Prince Toma."

This scene was funny.

        "When I heard that you were going to be hear all night, I though

... I thought ...

        " I know I can relay upon you, Ranma, I will carry you within my 

... I can rely upon you ... 

busts from the bushes, carrying Kasumi, She doesn't look to happy, her dress

... look too happy ...

        "I hate this! I'm so dirty! And my clothes are all torn!" Said Kausmi,
she begins to search her pockets.

The Kasumi in this fic is pretty funny.  When I realized that she was
going to be the analog for the teacher, I thought that was going to be
pretty funny... it got funnier when the thing she had to avoid
was... cleaning!  Very funny.

        Suddenly, something that looks like a waking blue dolphin runs 

... walking blue dolphin ...

        "Errrr...umm...ya didn't ask him." Said Ranma, bugging out.

In this phrase, I think that the "ya" is confusing.  I think you mean...

    "Err... umm... You didn't ask him."

	    but the first and second times I read it, I parsed it, I got:

    "Errr...umm....yeah.  didn't ask him."

	    Which makes no sense, but my brain has to figure that out.

        "You saw it too? I though it was something I ate?"

I don't think you need a second question mark here.

        "I can't find my sewing kit! And now the kettles going off! What a 
day!" Kasumi fumes.

Hehe. :)

        "AH!" Ryoga looks over and sees a beautiful girl running. He gets a
nosebleed and collapses.

Haha....

        "Ranma! Don't look! She's terrible underdressed! Don't look!" said 
Kasumi.

... She's terribly underdressed! ...

        "Useless!" Kasumi turns to the Bug, which leap up into the air, and
Come crashing down.

... leaps up into the air, and comes ...

        "Oh no! Ranma!" Kasumi says, as she buffs one of the bugs about
1/2 a Canadian football field away. Kasumi runs over to where Ranma is
being chased by three bugs.

How big is a Canadian football field?

        "Hey, were are they going." said Ranma.

... where are ....

        "My Names Saotome Ranma."

... name's Saotome ...

        "That's very kind, but father would be oh so worried if we were not
at the proper time."

Hm... should this be "we were not there at the proper time"?  The
other thing is that I think "oh so worried" is a little overdone.

bring her along. Much to Kasumi's protests.

Hm... I think this should be "Much to Kasumi's dismay" or "Despite
Kasumi's protests."

tree's. "What's that?" he asks.

... trees ...

        "Do not be alarmed, we are merle coming to the forests end, and

... are merely coming ...

        "You know Ranma, I've been to some weird places, but this place takes
the cake....ever been to Quebec? Now that's almost as weird..."

Inside Canadian joke?  Hm? Hm? HMMM?  :) :) :)

        "Man, this sucks, oh well, we could of ended up in the US and got 
shot." said Ranma.      

Followed, of course, by an American joke. :)

        "Now, they are only as afraid of us as we are of them." she says.

Hm... I think that the "Now" at the beginning gives the wrong tone to
the sentence... it sounds... condescending, and I don't think that you
want to be condescending when giant bug-people approach you.  Calming,
maybe, but not condescending.  How about... "Remember, they are..." ?

        The come out of the woods and begin to surround them.
        "Ah! Get away from me!" Nabiki screams, loosing her cool.
        The Bugrom approached closer.

BTW: I like the way that both Kuno and Nabiki take Jinnai's
place... it seems to work out pretty well, with Nabiki being the
calculating part and Kuno the crazy part.

        "That for sure." said Ranma. Ryoga bonks him on the head.

... That's for sure ...

selfish. I wish to ask a boon from you." the princess walks over to them, 
followed by a strange cat. Ranma, upon seeing this, becomes rather 
uncomfortable.

Good to know Ranma's not completely changed.

        "I will not dress up like a girl more than I have to! Look, get me
some cold water, I want to show you something." said Ranma. A serving girl
approaches with a jug of water, which Ranma pours over his head.
        Nothing happens.

Hey...  I wanted to see what happens when Ranma (as a guy,
impersonating Fatora), gets splashed with water and changes into a
girl (who happens to NOT look like Fatora).  Or, a girl-Ranma who
looks like Fatora (so that he has to stay in cursed form).  Or
something like that!

        "Whoo hoo!" Ryoga and Ranma hug and start dancing around like fools.

On the other hand, Ranma seems happy about this change. :)

        "Hmmmm....I wonder why our curses don't work here." asked Ranma.
        "I believe it is because the curses are native to earth, and this is
not earth, so they have no power here." said Kasumi looking up from her
mending.

Hm... Kasumi's not so dumb, huh?

        "Hmmm, I think I figured out what makes Kasumi stronger than you
or I." said Ranma.
        "What?" said Ryoga, who take something that looks like a rice cake 
from the platter.
        "Not cooking." said Ranma.

I like this, but I don't see how it happened... what has made Ranma
come to this conclusion?  I think there should be scenes where Kasumi
get's a chance to cook and then loses her powers, or something like
that... otherwise, it's harder to see how this happened.

        "Ranma, have you been reading too many Manga's?" asked Ryoga.

"Ranma, have you suddenly become significantly more intelligent?"
asked Bryan.  Seriously, he does seem a lot smarter than before... or
at least, not quite so dense.  I know you warned us about the changes,
so don't mind me.

        Ryoga coughs, and Ranma roles his eye's.

... rolls his eyes.

        "I'm fine! I don't need your help." Ranma ran through the halls,
desperately searching.
        "Arrrgh! Where's the damn Head!" he screamed in frustration.
        "Excuse me Princess, is there a problem?" asked a guard.
        "No...not at all." Ranma said, and Ran off.
        He finally arrive at the toilet.
        Unfortunately, the room was lined with serving girls.
        "Oh...no.." and Ranma collapsed.

This was one of the funnier scenes from El Hazard, and it's still
funny here. :) :)

        Finally! I'm finished! Oh well...hope you enjoyed it....part two
may be a while in coming though...oh well...

Well, keep going!

bryan k ogawa  <bkogawa@primenet.com>   http://www.primenet.com/~bkogawa/