In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday A.D.--
There was a guy named Bailesu,
Not too different from you or me.
He studied at the University of Maryland,
Just another grad student in a red t-shirt
He did a good job studying that British land,
But his professors didn't like him
So they shot him into Kansas...
We'll send him lots of fanfic,
The most we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Bailesu can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used that part of the budget
To hire some animated friends.
Commentator Roll Call: (Let's go!)
John Walter Biles as Dread Space Pirate Bailesu! (The egotistical God of
Fanfiction, just ask him :))
Amy Anderson as Mizuno Ami! (The helpful commentator)
Pamela Anderson as Miss Hinako (The useless commentator)
If you're wondering how he finds time to eat and study
and other grad school facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's his life,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Fanfic Commentary Theatre 3000!"
[Zoom in on the MFCT3000 Lobby. Ami and Bailesu are pounding on the soda
machine.]
Bailesu: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! It ate my quarters again!
Ami: I thought you knew by now that it always eats your quarters.
Bailesu: It never eats your quarters!
Ami: It's afraid of me. I've got powers. All you've got is a big mouth.
Bailesu :[frowns] Then why am I...
Dr. Price: [over the intercom] Your guest commentator has just
arrived. Get in the theatre! And NO MORE KISSYFACE!
Bailesu: Hey! We haven't been...
Dr. Price: You haven't done one commentary since last May, and now I
know why!
Ami: [blushes] He didn't...
Dr. Price: [waves a video tape] The Gopher sold me twelve tapes of...
Bailesu: ACK!
Ami: Right. In the Theatre, NOW!
[They head into the theatre. Miss Hinako soon enters and sits next to them.]
Miss Hinako: Don't try anything delinquent or you'll be sorry!
Bailesu: [eeps] Yes, Ma'am.
[The screen lights up and the story begins...]
> Hi all. This is my first fan-fic attempt, and naturally, I'm
writing myself into the story just as any Otaku would :)
Feel free to rip on this as much as you want -- It'll only
make me write better :)
Bailesu: I'm gonna be dissapointed if at least one of Ranma's women
doesn't fall for him.
Hinako: I'm gonna be dissapointed if you two don't do something so I can
zap you.
Ami: Hey, we're perfectly chaste!
Hinako: Bunch of delinquents...
Oh, and if you come up with a better idea for the title,
please let me know ^_^
PS: For all those non-Korean's out there, the mom in this story
represents the stereotypical Korean-mom. Now that I think about
it, there might be a bit more to that stereotype than i thought :)
To make the rest of the story easier later on, I'm considering erasing
my character's Korean heritage, and making him Japanese-American instead.
Let me know what you all think.
Bailesu: I don't think it would make that much of a difference, unless
it causes internal story problems.
Ami: It's not like the average American is tremendously more
knowlegeable about Japanese-Americans than Korean-Americans.
Hinako: It depends. Are Koreans bigger delinquents?
Ami: Will you CAN it about delinquents?
Hinako: Hey, it's my job! To right wrongs and triumph over
delinquents! I am...
[Usagi comes out and mallets Hinako into the floor.]
Usagi: [as she leaves] Don't steal my lines!
David's mom wasn't very impressed at the sight of her son apparently
daydreaming in the middle of the yard. She tossed the medium sized
spatula in her hand almost like a bo shuriken straight at her son,
Bailesu: A bo shuriken? What exactly is a bo shuriken as compared to a
non-bo shuriken? Some of us are rather unfamiliar with martial arts
weapons.
Hinako: As compared to marital arts.
Ami: [blushes] I tell you, we're innocent!
"Ow that hurt!" he exclaimed, rubbing the point of impact with
his left hand. He was about to say more, until he saw the sour
expression on her face. However, the spatula had served
its purpose well, and he jogged over to the house and went inside.
A few minutes later he came downstairs dressed in a polo shirt, a
pair of khaki's and brown loafers. He quickly snatched up his
Ami: a pair of khakis
Ranma was enjoying his daily ride through the atmosphere with
his usual cheery attitude. "Hmph how uncute can she get," he
thought, right as he splashed down in the carp pond behind the
Dojo. "Kuso..." he said to himself, "now I gotta take a bath
before I go back to bed." He sighed loudly, feeling his now
enlargened chest protruding from the top of his tank top.
Bailesu: he? himself? his? I thought he turned female.
Ami: Those male pronouns need to be changed to female ones in the last
three sentences, ie,
"Kuso..." she said to herself, "Now I gotta take a bath before I go back
to bed." She sighed loudly, feeling her now larger chest protruding from
the top of her tank top.
Hinako: Also, Ranma ought to be punished for molesting Akane.
Ami: He got beat up.
Hinako: Hmph. He always get beat up. What he really needs is...
Bailesu: For you to shut up so we can get on with this.
Hinako: Be more respectful, boy!
[Bailesu is silent, as he wants no zapping]
"If only I wasn't cursed... All I ever wanted was a
nice, > normal life."
"Umph!" He landed on something soft. "Where the hell am I? This
isn't my room." Then, he felt it -- them rather. Two globular,
soft, breasts?!
Hinako: DELINQUENT! [starts trying to suck energy from the screen. It
clearly doesn't work. Finally, she passes out from the exertion.]
Bailesu: I sense another beating coming on.
> * * *
Akane had a big silly grin on her face as she dreamt about a
different kind of Ranma. 'Akane! Suki da!' he said, breathless.
'Ranma! Atashi mo anta no koto ga suki wa yo!' came her cute reply.
Bailesu: Mrr?
Ami: Something about love...You might note that most of the people on
this list don't know enough Japanese to pick up on more than a few
commonly used anime phrases and will only be able to vaguely guess what
she is saying.
Bailesu: Providing a translation would be good.
David and Akane squinted as the room quickly brightened. Ranma's hand
nearly pulled the light switch out of the wall, as his jaw dropped,
and he struggled to keep his eyes attached to his head. He looked
over to the strange teenager, dressed only in boxer shorts, then up
to his face, which was being held by both of Akane's hands. Trying
for scything remark, he managed, "A-ka-ne."
Ami: You mean a scathing remark?
Akane suddenly noticed her proximity with the stranger and broke eye
contact. She turned her head slowly to the door. "Ranma ... Kasumi ...
Nabiki ,.. Otoosan ... Saotome-ojisan ..." A look of pure horror
crossed her face as she turned a bright shade of red. Her hands
whipped out in front of her as she made waving motions, "Chigau wa yo!
Chigau! It's not what it looks like! I.. It.. He.."
Hinako: [mutters from the floor] D..e..l..i..n..q..u..e..n..t..s...
Ami: [steps on Hinako on her way out, as does Bailesu] Well, that was
an interesting story!
Bailesu: I take it he won't be seducing Akane.
Ami: Is that ALL you cared about?
Bailesu: Not getting Zapped by Hinako was high on my list. As long as
he doesn't become all powerful, it could be fun.
Ami: We hope this commentary helps you!
Bailesu: Keep writing. You've got good style. Hard to comment much on
the plot as yet.
Ami: Well excuse us.
Bailesu: [heading off to their quarters with Ami] It's time for us to
go be delinquent.
Ami [as they go through the door to their quarters] But first we find
ALL of Gopher's Cameras. Then kill him. Then we can...
[The door slams. The end.]
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu bailesu@komodo.hacks.arizona.edu
http://www.hacks.arizona.edu/~bailesu/falcon.html
http://www.dhp.com/~wraven/john/index.html
"It's good to kill the King." "I still think the Saxons should have
put a higher price on our heads. I'm more valuable than 25 librum."
--Frequent quotes from our PENDRAGON sessions.