Richard,

Just thought I'd drop some overall comments rather than go into specifics.
First of all, I appreciate the rewrite.  Spelling, Grammer and all that were
several notches above the norm, and that really adds to the enjoyment of
reading this story.  Like your other stories, this one is what reviewers
sometimes call a page turner.  It picks you up and carries you along,
painlessly and effortlessly, to the end which comes as a rather abrupt
surprise.  The ride's over but you wish it could go on.  I know professional
writers who have labored for years to be able to write like this, and who
say it never comes easily for them.  Any quibbles along the lines of "I
don't know if Kuno would act like that" or "Is Nabiki really _that_ mature?"
are pretty minor in the face of good writing like this.  This Nabiki and
this Kuno are like that because you made them yours for this story and made
me like it.  Good on ya', mate.

Oh yeah, and as for the lemon bits: will... realistic, extremely realistic.
Perhaps too realistic for erotica, but for purposes of casting a convincing
spell that these are real people and not just characters in a story, it
worked awfully well.  I wonder how many other people read this and wish
their prom night was this great.  A bedroom in a mansion sure beats the back
seat of a Ford, eh?

Personally, I think you should post it along with the other TIL stories.

Best,

Bob Barnes
rbarnes@moscow.com
Moscow, Idaho

When opportunity comes, the trick is to CATCH the red hat.