Sugar and Spice and...

                                   *

                        By Christopher Willmore

        Technical Advisors: Andrew D. Willmore and Betty Crocker
     Based on characters and situations created by Rumiko Takahashi

=========================================================================

	Akane blinked as she looked at the page in front of her.
	"Beat the eggs? Okay..."
	Carefully counting out the half-dozen the recipe asked for,
she tossed them into a large mixing bowl and began pounding.
	"HAIYA!"
	*crack*
	"UGH!"
	*smash*
	"BANZAI!"
	*dribble*
	When all the shells had crumbled into particles of a digestible
size, she wiped the sweat from her brow and looked upon her handiwork
with satisfaction.
	"Not too bad... What's next?"
	A pause.
	"Oh. I was supposed to only use the whites?"  Akane looked over
the pale orange mixture and tapped her temple pensively for a moment.
	A very brief moment.
	"How bland. EVERYONE knows the yolk's the best part... I'll 
just leave it in. Besides, the recipe COULD use a little improvement."
	"And now..." She glanced at the cookbook. "In a large bowl,
mix together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt."
	That was easy. She ripped open one of Ukyou's unused 'flour 
bombs' and tossed the contents into the vessel (no need to measure it -
the more flour a cake had, the better, and it looked about right,
anyway), then took out the sugar to measure out half a cup.
	"Uh, oh..." The recipe only asked for half a cup, but didn't
say which type.  Should she use the soft drink cup, or the coffee cup,
or...  
	Shrugging, she decided to play it safe, and poured as close
to half a tea-cup of white sugar into the bowl as she could eyeball.
	Now, all she needed was baking-
	"AAAAAAARGH!"
	They were out of baking powder; all she could find was baking
SODA... Oh, well... It'd have to do.  It shouldn't make TOO much of
a difference - they both did the same thing, right?
	And all she needed was-
	"Two teaspoons?"
	That seemed so LITTLE! She looked at the gooey egg mixture and
the large pile of powder in front of her.  There was NO WAY that a
measly two teaspoons was going to make THAT rise.  
	"Must be a misprint."
	Trusting her instincts, Akane tipped the container over the
flour and poured a liberal quantity over it.
	Finally,
	"Salt?"
	*piku* *piku*
	"Who ever heard of putting SALT in a CAKE?!? Geeze, and they
think *I'm* bad at cooking...  NEXT step..."  She grinned as she read
it.  Such an intricate manoeuvre would have been impossible for her
a few months ago, but since Auntie Saotome had started training her...
"Cut shortening into the dry mixture until it resembles fine crumbs."
	Still smiling, she reached for her katana and unsheathed it.
	"YAH!"
	*slice*
	"HA!"
	*splurt*
	<Too slow...>
	"AAAA.... TATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA!"
	The block of lard dissolved under her blade and the wood
chips only helped to mix it with the powders.  Watching Kunou all
this time had finally paid off.
	"I wonder how Kasumi does it," said Akane to herself,
washing the sweat from her hands. "She always seems so... Calm after
cooking... If she has to go through this, though, it's no WONDER she
keeps her figure without exercising..."
	The rest of the paragraph was written in jargon, but it's meaning
was clear: forget all the "stir in until blended"s, or the "gently smooth
dough on a lightly floured cloth-covered" or "knead so many times" and
"cut to such a thickness"...  All they wanted her to do was mix the two
bowls together and turn it into two pancakes.
	Piece of cake.
	Literally.
	She took the cutting board from the sink.  Kasumi had used it
for the chicken at lunch and hadn't been able to wash it yet, but it
looked clean enough... A little wipe, and it'd be fine.
	She dumped the flour mixture onto it.  Some fell onto the floor,
but enough was left.  Then, carefully, she poured the egg into a little
crater in the middle of the pile, just like in the pictures, and-
	Bashed the whole thing for all it was worth.
	If there was one thing she'd learned after YEARS of attempted
cooking, it was that the ingredients were NOT your friends. If you 
wanted them to behave, you had to teach them who was boss... She
was quite looking forward to the part after she put them in the ov...
	"Uh-oh. I forgot to preheat the oven."
	Akane hastily turned the now semi-solid mass into three spheres.
Well... Three cylinders. Three-dimensional pentagons? Bucky-balls? Whatever
they were, a quick reach into N-space and a whack of her mallet, and they
became pancakes.
	"Let's see..." She picked up the book once more. "Preheat the oven
to 450 degrees." Akane looked up. "450 degrees? But... Our oven only goes
up to 250!"
	She was NOT going to let a little thing like this defeat her...
Maybe she could just set it to 250... No... Not enough time; it'd take
almost twice as long to cook (she knew her math. 450 was almost twice 250),
and she was in a hurry... What could she...
	Kerosene.  Sure, she wouldn't be able to fine-tune the temperature,
but if the recipe asked for an oven at more than four times the boiling
point of water, it couldn't matter too much.  After a certain point, hot 
was hot.
	She dug into the cupboard for the barbecue supplies, found the
fire-starting liquid, and spread it all over the gas lights in the oven.
	"There. THAT should do it."
	With a flick of her wrist, the dough-discs where tossed onto
the oven's iron cooking sheet.  She kicked the door shut and started
up the heat.
	"The flames are so PRETTY with the starter fluid! I'll have to 
tell Kasumi about this..."
	According to the book, she had about ten to twelve minutes...
Just long enough to finish preparing the rest of the ingredients.
	She grinned, and pulled out the ribbon Kodachi had left behind...
	"Time to whip the cream..."
	*slice*
	*crack*
	*splut*
	*slice*
	*crack*
	*splut*
	Five minutes later, half the kitchen was covered with white
splotches, but in front of Akane was a beautiful portion of perfectly
whipped cream.  She COULD have bought it, yes, but this was so much more...
Satisfying...
	She just LOVED the way it went... Stiff when she whipped it...
	A fireball burst through the oven door's window, and Akane
swerved just in time to avoid major burns.
	"Guess it's done...  I KNEW the kerosene would help it cook 
faster."
	She turned off the burners and put on pot-holders to pull out
the tray.  Once the smoke cleared, she saw the result of her efforts.
	"Now I know why they call it SHORTcake..."
	The three circles now looked like what was left of a latex
balloon filled with helium after it'd been left on its own for a week.
Except for the colour. Thank goodness, they weren't pink, or blue, or
green... Just a bit... Brown in the middle, and black around the edges.
No big deal.  The cream was white, and it'd cover it right up.
	She hummed to herself as she reached for a large plate
and put it on the counter. For once, her recipe had gone RIGHT! Well,
not PERFECT, but it wasn't a DISASTER, either...
	Just like the book said, she put one pancake down, then covered
it with cream, then another, and another layer of cream, and when the
last one had been put on top, she put a little white swirl at the top.
	"Beautiful..."
	Akane stood back for a minute, admiring the sight. 
	Perfect, except...
	Something was missing, but what?
	"The fruit! Argh! How could I have forgotten that?"
	She had to hurry. She could already hear Ranma's footsteps on
the stairs.  Quickly, she grabbed a handful of the red globes from
where she'd laid them aside, stuffing them in between the layers of
the cake.
	'Anybody home?' HIS voice, from the living room.
	"I'm in the kitchen!"
	'In the kitchen?!? Akane, don't tell me you're...'
	"I made you a birthday cake!"
	'I... Have to go trainin'... Or somethin'...'
	"Oh, no you don't!"  She took her culinary masterpiece
and rushed out.  "You're going to eat it!"  Just to make sure he
wouldn't run, she grabbed him by the collar.
	"N... Nani???"
	"I made you a birthday cake, and you're going to finish it!"
	"Y... You made that?" He pointed at the shortcake.
	"Yeah... Why?"
	"It looks... Non-toxic..."
	Silence.
	"Well, are you gonna eat it, or NOT?!?"
	"I... Uh...  I guess so..."
	She smiled.  
	<You'll see, Ranma. It'll be GOOD this time. You WILL like it.>
	Akane handed him a fork, and he used it to cut off a small
piece, and stick it in his mouth.
	*chew*
	*CRAAAAAACK!*
	"I think I broke a tooth."
	"Broke a tooth? But... I didn't THINK it had burned that much..."
	"What kind of cake is it, anyhow, Akane?" asked Ranma, rubbing
his jaw.
	"Str.... Strawberry shortcake."
	"Last time I checked, strawberries didn't have seeds..."
	"Well... I... We'd run out of strawberries, so I had to use 
cherries..."
	"Aren't you supposed to take the pits out of 'em first, or 
somethin'?"
	"Ranma, you jerk! I spend all morning in the kitchen, trying to
make you something special for your birthday, and you- It just makes me
so- I- AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"


	She had to admit, thought Akane to herself, as she put away
her mallet.  Chopped nuts came a lot more naturally to her than
whipped cream.

======================================================================

Author's notes: This is just a light, silly thing I wrote after a 
night of insomnia. Unlike my usual things, it was written entirely
on the computer, with no first draft or plot outline, and in one
burst... Hope you enjoyed it!  [I was feeling a bit guilty about
'Within the Candle-Flame', and just HAD to post something humorous...]

-CW