Well, here's the second of my C&C series...a lot sooner than I expected to put
it out! Have fun with it!
Peter L. Ward falcon@best.com Kyusaku on IRC #Anime!
Caretaker of the Urd Shrine (http://www.best.com/~falcon/urdhome.htm)
"Sensei...my brother...my brother...promise me...that you'll
kick his ass!" Jinnai Nanami - El Hazard #7
-------------- Enclosure number 1 ----------------
Magical Girls Fanfic Theater #2
[The scene opens on a darkened holovid theater. In the shadows are
three young ladies, two of whom are giggling while one is grumbling.]
[Mika]
I am not looking forward to this, girls...
[Akiko]
Oh, come on, Mika! It'll be fun! Just think of it as playing dress-
up or being in a fashion show.
[Natsumi]
Just think of all the guys that'll be chasing after us with these
costumes!
[Mika]
Drooling after us, you mean. Akiko, I don't know about you, but to
me, dressing up or being in a fashion show implies some amount of
coverage...
[Akiko]
Mika, you complain too much. Lights!
[The lights come up and we get to see what the girls were talking
about...almost. Akiko and Natsumi are standing proudly in their
magical girl uniforms. Akiko's uniform amounts to a red one-piece
strapless swimsuit with a loose, white miniskirt. She's also wearing
matching knee-length boots and elbow-length gloves.
Natsumi's uniform is along similar lines, except that it's more modest
with a longer skirt and a halter-top orange suit.
Both girls are also wearing silver chokers with crystals set in them
that match the color of their uniforms. Also, they are wearing what
appears to be green plexiglas eyemasks that seem to have a glow to
them.
While Mika is also wearing a similar choker (with a violet crystal)
and eyemask, she's also wearing a heavy blanket around her shoulders
and is trying to hide behind Akiko. Both Akiko and Natsumi notice
this.]
[Akiko]
Mika! Don't be such a spoilsport!
[Natsumi]
Stop being so shy!
[Mika]
Come on, girls! I don't want to do this....
[Both girls wrestle with Mika and manage to get the blanket off of
her. Of the three girls, Mika has the most daring of the uniforms
with a silver suit that's cut just below the navel, revealing plenty
of cleavage. The suit is also cut very high at the legs and the
loose white skirt is cut the shortest of the three. She's also
wearing matching knee-length boots and elbow-length gloves, as well
as a sour look on her face.]
[Mika]
Thanks, you two. Now I'm going to have 99% of the male audience
drooling over me.
[Natsumi]
Oh, don't mention it!
[Akiko]
It was our pleasure!
[Mika]
Anyway, what fic do we have up for review tonight?
[Akiko]
Well, we have a crossover tonight, written by Henry Cobb. In fact,
he submitted it to us himself...
[The lights dim again, much to Mika's relief, and the holovid screen
lights up to show...]
Magical Girls Dream Team, Chapter One.
By Henry J. Cobb
[Mika]
How appropriate, considering that this *is* Magical Girls Fanfic
Theater...
-----
Usagi was going to be late, once again, for the first day at a new
school. She was running as fast as she could, but she was starting at
the bottom of a big hill.
-----
[Natsumi]
Who's Usagi?
[Akiko]
I think the author meant Tsukino Usagi, aka Sailor Moon, one of the
classic magical girls.
[Natsumi]
Oh! What a cute codename she has there!
[Mika]
At least she didn't end up with a codename like the ones we almost
ended up with. Right, Akiko?
[Akiko]
Ugh...don't remind me. To think that I almost ended up going through
life known as "Exquisite Soldier Yamato". Good thing I got it changed
from a World War II battleship to "Crimson Rose"!
[Mika]
Hey, I almost got named "Exquisite Soldier Bismark"! If I didn't get
the name changed to "Lovely Freesia", I would've pounded Penko into
scrap metal...
[Natsumi]
Hey, hey, don't you think that my codename, "Exquisite Soldier Golden
Poppy" is cool?
[Mika]
Yeah, yeah...it figures you'd get a name like that...
-----
Another girl casually pulled up alongside Usagi. "Hi, I'm Eiko Magami,
are you going to Graviton Girls?"
-----
[Akiko]
Maybe that should be clarified to "Graviton Girls' High School"?
[Mika]
Naaaa....I think it was implied there...
-----
Usagi stopped for a moment to catch her breath and greet the other
student. "Yes, starting today, I'm Usagi Tsukino, but it looks like
we'll be late."
-----
[Mika]
*Now* we get her name...
-----
A-ko wore a sailor suit similar to Usagi and unusual metal bracers on
her forearms. A-ko's eyes were Copper instead of Usagi's Blue and her
red slightly wavy hair was fairly short, only coming down to her
shoulders, as opposed to the twin balls Usagi wrapped her straight blond
hair in and it still came down to her own ankles, but the girls shared a
slender, slightly athletic look.
-----
[Natsumi]
Who's A-ko?
[Akiko]
I think A-ko is a nickname for Eiko. They're both pronounced the
same.
[Natsumi]
Oh! So they're the same person! I didn't know that!
[Mika, under her breath]
As if she knew anything at all...
-----
Usagi was quite alarmed at this show of speed and strength. Is this
some Negaverse plot to abduct me? Maybe they're not quite sure of my
identity. I'd best just play along.
-----
[Mika]
Y'know, maybe if there were some way of indicating what thoughts are
in this fic, it might make it a bit easier to follow. Like how you
have quote marks to indicate spoken dialogue.
[Akiko]
True. Greater-than/less-than signs are quite popular for that, as
well as asterisks
-----
There was another girl waiting at the gate, in a more formal school
uniform with long lavender hair, her eyes, a deeper shade of blue than
Usagi's seemed quite surprised to see A-ko with somebody else. "Who's
the new girl A-ko?"
Usagi had never seen anybody with Lavender hair before, but she
remembered that her mother, the earth one, and Ami had had bluish hair
so it wasn't totally impossible. Usagi banished the thought, she didn't
want to think about Mom or Ami, not now.
-----
[Mika]
Oh, yeah, this takes place years before the hair dye mutations
brought about by Silver Millenium Cosmetics in the 2020's
[Akiko]
You're right on that one. That's why you have lavender hair and
Natsumi's a blonde...
[Mika]
Hey, it's nice to have a good tutor, ne?
[Akiko]
Oh, stop it...
-----
"Usagi Tsukino, meet Biko Daitokuji", A-ko introduced the two, releasing
Usagi.
"Just call me B-ko"
-----
[Natsumi]
I get it now! Biko is really B-ko!
[Mika]
And Einstein here gets a brownie point...
[Akiko]
At least the author makes the connection this time, Mika.
-----
"That's very funny", B-ko replied, studying Usagi's unusual hairstyle,
"but Usagi is shorter, have you considered decorating those balls with
something..."
-----
[Akiko]
Maybe that should be "but Usagi is shorter. Have you considered..."
-----
As Usagi took the seat on the far side of B-ko, she saw the pained
expression on A-ko's face. What is so special about this seat, Usagi
pondered, what had happened to the last girl to sit here?
-----
[Mika]
I believe we have some foreshadowing here...
-----
It was also a relief to "visit the facilities", but while Usagi was in
the girls' room, two other girls entered.
"I hear that A-ko went to B-ko's last weekend, with flowers in her
hair."
"Yes, but now B-ko has this new blonde."
"Poor A-ko."
-----
[Akiko]
Now this is odd. I've done a lot of studying up on this, and I don't
think there have been any indications of A-ko being bisexual like B-ko
seems to be. Sure, she and C-ko were best friends, but I don't think
it ever got beyond that. Then again, it could just be gossip...
[Mika]
Speaking of which, I don't even recall A-ko, B-ko, or C-ko being
considered magical girls at all. At least, not like Minky Momo,
Sailor Moon, or, ewwww, Wedding Peach...
[Akiko]
Maybe they're considered that just for this fic.
[Mika]
Good point.
-----
The next period was only a little bit better for Usagi, B-ko continued
to stare and Miss Ayumi's lecture made as little sense as the last one,
even if it was possibly on a different subject, but at least some of the
students had to be real, no Negaverse illusion would gossip that way.
-----
[Mika]
Gee, can we say "Run-on sentence"?
[Natsumi]
Ummmm...run...on...sentence!
[Mika, rolling her eyes]
I knew we could...
-----
"I'm sorry" A-ko backpedaled, "I meant to invite Usagi to come sit with
my usual group, if it's OK with you girls."
-----
[Mika]
Who's A-ko's usual group? She doesn't mean B-ko's henchgirls, does
she?
[Akiko]
I think she does, but it's not really clear here...
-----
"Mari", a huge girl with features that would be brutal on a man,
-----
[Mika and Natsumi, in unison]
*That's* a girl?!?!?!
[Akiko]
Yes, she and Agent D did have that effect on people...
-----
A-ko was instantly to her feet and rushed off in that direction.
-----
[Mika]
I dunno...maybe that should be, "A-ko instantly got to her feet and
rushed off in that direction"? What do you think?
[Akiko]
That sounds a bit better....
-----
Next, B-ko tossed off her school outfit, revealing a strange metallic
purple swimsuit to which she added similar boots and gloves and a
transparent visor. Her transformation complete, B-ko flew off after
A-ko. Asa, Ine, Mari and Ume followed on foot, leaving Usagi alone.
-----
[Akiko]
See, Mika? You don't have anything to complain about at all where
costumes are concerned! Yours is a little more modest than B-ko's.
[Mika]
Small comfort. That's like saying that Akane's cooking is a little
better than C-ko's...
-----
Sailor Moon leaped up onto the roof of the Gymnasium and approached the
edge closest to the disturbance, there she saw A-ko pinned under a large
pig-like monster, which seemed to be draining her energy.
-----
[Mika]
Gee...even more run-on sentences. That should be split into at least
two sentences.
-----
B-ko flew up rammed the Pig "Get off of her, you."
The Pig turned to B-ko.
-----
[Mika]
Gee, is this exciting or what?
[Akiko]
True, it should be more dynamic and emotional since it *is* a fight
scene...
-----
"I am Sailor Moon, champion of justice" It seemed like a good ideal to
impress on this monster the gravity of it's situation. "Schools should
be places of learning, not carnage. For attacking these students, I
cannot forgive you. In the name of the moon, I'll punish you."
-----
[Akiko]
Now that I think about it, the use of the exclaimation point would
help make things a bit more exciting and emotional...
-----
Seeing no other threat, Sailor Moon turned away from the ledge and was
surprised herself as B-ko flew up and landed right in front of her.
"Usagi" B-ko admired the Sailor Moon costume, "what a cute outfit, I
love it."
"I am Sailor Moon, Champion of Justice, and I don't know what you're
talking about."
"Usagi" B-ko grabbed Sailor Moon's hands, "is this supposed to be some
kind of a disguise, it doesn't cover your eyes. Those eyes could never
fool me."
-----
[Mika]
Hey, someone actually saw through her disguise! That's a first!
[Akiko]
That's right. Usually, people can't see through those flimsy
disguises for one reason or another. In our case, we have the ID
protection fields to keep our secret identities.
[Natsumi]
You mean that Usagi is really Sailor Moon? Wow!
[Mika]
Einstein gets another one...
-----
Sailor Moon appreciated the thought, but it seemed most familiar for a
girl she'd only met that morning.
-----
[Mika]
Hahahahahaha! She don't know B-ko very well, do she?
[Akiko]
Been watching 20th century Bugs Bunny cartoons again, have we?
[Mika]
Yup!
-----
A thump sounded on the ledge behind her, turning out of B-ko's grasp, she
noticed it was A-ko.
-----
[Akiko]
Again, sentence separation would help out greatly here...
-----
"B-ko, Usagi."
Didn't her disguise work against anybody today?, Sailor Moon worried.
"Yes?" The annoyance clearly showed in B-ko's voice, "what is it?"
"Lunch is almost over" A-ko continued, "You'd best switch back to school
outfits now, you know how much Miss Ayumi dislikes it when we're tardy."
-----
[The lights come up on the three girls.]
[Mika]
That's it?
[Akiko]
That's it, I'm afraid...
[Mika]
That was rather abrupt.
[Akiko]
Well, there'll be more. In fact, some previews are floating around
out there. Anyway, what are your thoughts, ladies?
[Mika]
Well, it does need a lot of work with sentence structure...
[Akiko]
Yes, it does. It would be helpful if thoughts were indicated more
clearly as well.
[Natsumi]
I was confused! I didn't know who was who at the beginning...
[Mika]
Natsumi, you couldn't tell your right shoe from your left!
[Akiko]
Well, maybe it could've used a bit more clarifications at the
beginning as well. I think it could use some more emotion
during the fight scene as well. It did seem a bit dry and sterile.
[Mika]
Overall, though, I think it's got an interesting plot. It just needs
work with the mechanics, that's all.
[Natsumi]
Mechanics? What mechanics? I don't remember any mechanics in the
story! Stop confusing me even more!
[Mika]
Shut up before I strangle you...
[Akiko]
Anyway! That's it for tonight! See you next time on Magical Girls
Fanfic Theater!
[The lights dim down as Mika goes running for the dressing room off-
screen.]