THE 50 LAWS OF VIDEO GAMES
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Written by Michael White ( mikew@atcon.com, aj331@ccn.cs.dal.ca )
Send in all your submissions/suggestions!
Inspired by the Laws of Japanese Animation
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1. Defining Law of Video Gaming: Reality is subjective.

2. Law of Modified Human Anatomy: the human body, when exploded or otherwise
dismembered, contains no fewer than six arms, eight legs, three torsoes, and
four heads.
2a. Law of Increased Hemoglobin Capacity: The human body has a literally
limitless supply of blood, which is released into the air at regular
intervals when hit with a solid blow or a pinprick, even though there is no
visible wound.
2b. Law of Hemoglobin Vaporization: Nothing evaporates as quickly or as
completely as blood. Nothing.

3. Law of Variable Injury: The determining factor in whether a blow kills,
knocks someone out, or simply stuns them is not the force applied or method
used, but rather the ESRB rating on the front of the box.

4. Law of Transporting Bodies: Once defeated or killed, enemy bodies do not
lie around to clutter up the battlefield, but are convienently beamed away
to their eternal damnation as red shirts on original Star Trek episodes.

5. Law of Prosperous Monsters: Every enemy monster always carries with it a
few pieces of gold, money, or other forms of currency. Mutant elephants, for
instance, have been known to carry enough cash to form small banks.

6. Law of Vital Object Inaccessability: An item vital to the completion of
your quest will invariably be hidden behind a 'force field' or be held in
the possession of some cantankerous old coot until you complete some
otherwise totally irrelavent task ( also known as the Law of Pointless
Playtime Extension ).
6a. Law of Obstinate Invulnerability: Said cantankerous old coots cannot be
killed in order to acquire said items, because the sheer power of their
stubborness makes them invincible.

7. Law of Monetary Deprivation: You are the only person on the entire planet
with money, and everybody wants it.

8. Law of Universal Settlement Accessability: Even in times of war or
besiegement by monsters, people can walk straight into towns and villages,
enter every home, and march into the castle to meet the king without so much
as stating their name.
First Corollary: During the invasion of a town, the safest place to be would
seem to be inside warehouses, derelict buildings, or other places of little
interest because nobody seems able to get into them.

9. Law of Legal Oddities: While heroes and villains think nothing of
cold-blooded murder, things like grafiti or stealing are so replusive to
them they don't even consider it.
First Corollary: While a hero may kill someone if necessary and loot his/her
body, he/she would never rob a living person, even if fully justified or
necessary. The hero would much rather undertake an insurmountable task to
acquire a vital object from a disreputable scoundrel than clonk him/her over
the head, take the thing, and run like the wind. ( Also known as the Law of
Noble Stupidity )
Second Corollary: Although police or guards seem extremely rare ( and those
that are present are usually guarding the gates, at the palace, or at the
taverns ) crime is all but nonexistant inside settlements.
Third Corollary: Thieves don't steal very much, which may be why they join
adventure parties; they need something to fill in the hours. When they do
steal, however, they may be compelled to return to the hero's base of
operations, even if it is on another planet and they have no real means of
getting there.

10. Law of Interstellar Occupation: Space is not empty. In fact, space is
filled with thousands of tiny crates which, if you ram them with your
spaceship, can endow you with incredibly overpowered weapons.

11. Law of Lightspeed Irrelevance Pertaining to Weaponry: Lasers and other
forms of energy weapons move a lot slower than 3x10^8 meters per second, and
can always be seen coming first.
First Corollary: Kinetic weapons, such as handguns, usually have a much
higher velocity than you average laser.
11a. Law of Lightspeed Irrelevance Pertaining to Objects: Lightspeed as an
unachievable and impassable speed limit is taken as a suggestion, not a fact.

12. Law of Kinetic Motion: When the first corollary of Law 11 does not apply
to a game, kinetic projectiles move at a slow, visible pace and usually glow
yellow or orange.
First Corollary: On some occasions, the color of the round indicates which
side fired it ( also known as the Law of Pigment Alliances )

13. Law of Superweapon Conservation: If your army possesses an incredibly
powerful superweapon, such as a supremely efficient fightercraft, they will
build only one and use it only when their fleets are being slaughtered.
First Corollary: If additional superweapons exist, you will be the only one
who really knows how to use it when the aliens attack.
13a. Law of Extraterrestrial Invasive Timing: Aliens will only invade when
said superweapon is 'still in testing and highly experimental.'

14. Law of Heroic Seclusion: You're all alone out there.
14a. Law of AI Allies: Any computer-controlled aid you may recieve is only
useful as cover.
14b. Law of Teammate Greed: Any human-controlled teammates you may have
accompanying you will aid you only until they see an opportunity to rack up
Really Big Points or score that extra life. At this point, refer to Law 14.

15. Law of Opponent Formations: Enemies which come at you in groups will
dutifully line up in straight columns for your strafing pleasure. Individual
enemies will undoubtably have better armor and weapons, but for some reason
seem incapable of working in cooperation.

16. Law of Guiding Presences: Apparently, enemy units on a given stage are
incapable of being the least bit effective without the presence of a Boss at
the end of the stage. This Boss, while not possessing any visible method of
communicating with its underlings and with no evidence of superior
intelligence, must inspire its charges with its mammoth size and really big
guns.

17. Law of Firepower: A weapon's destructive potential is inversely
proportional to its size. Usually. It would behoove you, however, to flee
the general vicinity if a planet-sized cannon is pointed in your direction.

18. Law of Aerodynamics: Everything is aerodynamic and capable of flight.

19. Law of Universal Combustability: Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary: Things that you would think least likely to explode create
the most massive detonations. Palm trees and harmless barrels of goo, for
instance, are capable of wiping out small city blocks. Conversely, blowing
up a nuclear warhead with a Hellfire missile creates but a small puff of smoke.

20. Law of Anime-Video Games Corelation: Many laws of video gaming are
identical to laws governing anime. ( See laws 17-19 )

21. Law of Destructive Potential: The injury inflicted by a weapon is
inversely proportional to its distance from the target. For instance, a 9mm
handgun fired at point-blank range causes damage equitable to that of an
ICBM, whereas the same weapon fired at a distance of 150 meters does no more
damage than a mosquito bite.

22. Law of Diplomatic Ineffectuality: You can never talk your way out of a
fight. In fact, most fighting game characters seem to lack the sense of
hearing, and can only verbalize expressions of victory or defeat.

23. Law of Noble Shielding: The mammoth will of a hero's nobility manifests
itself into a form of protective sheilding, enabling the hero to take many
more hits than would otherwise be required to destroy him/her.
First Corollary: Villains, on the other hand, seem adversely affected by
their deviousness. Enemy capital ships, weakened by this effect, can be
taken out with pea-shooters and paperclips.

24. Law of Romantic Certitude: Although few heroes decide to engage in
courtship or dating, once they have been paired off, they stay together for
life. In fact, the axiom "'Till death do us part" seems extended to even
casual dating, as not even interstellar war or the destruction of their home
planet will bring a rift between the two, not even when one of the party is
responsible for it.
First Corollary: If one of the couple should die, whomsoever the other turns
to for comfort will invariably become their new flame ( also known as the
Shoulder-to-cry-on Effect ).
Second Corollary: Nothing brings two people closer than visiting mass
genocide on an alien species.

25. Law of Hero Party Makeups: Heroic parties will be comprised of the
following:
Action games: Quick guy, tough guy, average guy. If a fourth is present,
he's usually a mutant of some sort.
Fantasy Games: Fighter, magician, healer, tougher but dumber fighter.

26. Law of Female Typecasting: 90% of all females in video games need rescuing.
First Corollary: Apparently self-defense courses are not open to video game
females.
26a. Law of Female Heroine Typecasting: Female heroines in action games are
invariably cast as the agile, weak fighters. Heroines in fantasy games
become healers or magicians.
26b. Law of Female Wardrobe: Costume designers for females in video games
are apparently incapable of creating anything less than skintight.
26c. Law of Video Game Female Anatomy: Video game console processors are
apparently only capable of handling female sprites or polygons that have
figures that make supermodels weep.
First Corollary: Apparently, the digitization process makes certain parts of
the female anatomy... errr... *bouncier* ( commonly known as the Ogling
Teenage Boy Effect ).
26d. Law of Female Anti-Typecasting: Females used in any role other than
listed above are usually put there by companies who have used the above
roles in the past, and want to prove 'they're above all that.' Invariably,
however, their next title will return to the status quo.

27. Law of the Instantaneous Plot: If all else fails and a writer is stuck
for a plot, he/she will invariably have the hero rescue his girl/the
princess/a mysterious girl he saw abducted/all of the above, as per Law 26.
( Also known as the Law of Friday Afternoon Plot Writing )

28. Law of Terran Irresistibility: Earth is the most beautiful, prosperous,
and significant planet in all the cosmos. This must be the case, because it
seems like every time you turn around, we're being invaded again.

29. Law of FMV Characters: The additional data required for displaying a
TV-quality image of a human being is deducted directly from the character's
IQ and acting ability.

30. Law of Sprite Inferiority: Sprites are invariably dumber than polygons,
because it never occurs to them to dodge things. ( There are exceptions,
referred to as the Double Dragon Effect )

31. Law of Significant Events Highlighting: Whenever the hero or an enemy
does something important or delivers an especially brutal blow, luminescent
phenomenon referred to scientifically as 'sparklies' will appear. Absence of
sparklies is an indication that a game is at least trying to take itself
seriously ( referred to as the Impossible Quest for Total Reality ).

32. Law of the Omnipresent Announcer: In all fighting games and most sports
games, a ghostly, never-seen prescence desribes the events. It is rumored
that these are employees of the game's producers who didn't deliver on time,
and their bodies and souls were digitized into the game as punishment ( via
a method referred to as the Captain Power Effect ).

33. Law of Omnipresent Orchestrations: Absolutely nothing can be
accomplished without a musical score.

34. Law of the Universal Grading: Everything you ever do in your entire life
is evaluated and scored. This effect has been known to cause feelings of
anxiety, persecution, and ultimately schizophrenia amongst many of the
people populating video game worlds. Suspicion is strong that the major
gaming corporations are in league with the Psychiatric League of Video Game
Worlds and accept kickbacks from them for maintaining a steady flow of patients.

35. Law of Unsuspecting Onlookers: Innocent bystanders are either a) part of
the background, b) cannon fodder, or c) roadkill.

36. Law of Universal Lethality: Everything and anything can kill you.
36a. Law of Homicidal Critters: Even the cutest forest animal is capable of
bloody murder, even those you would least suspect.

37. Law of Neutral Nonexistence: Only three types of people exist in video
game worlds: heroes, villains, and hostages. ( Pursuant to Law 35, The
Innocent Bystanders League has petitioned for a fourth categorey, but since
they're pretty much at the mercy of the heroes and villains, we choose to
define them as hostages. )

38. Law of Societal Bliss: The happiness of a society is directly
proportional to the number of people who want to blow it up.

39. Law of Villainous Motives: Bad guys don't need motives. They just need guns.
First Corollary: Villains can apparently amass world-conquering armies
without the planet so much as batting an eyelash.
Second Corollary: Superadvanced technology apparently must be thoroughly
studied and dissected by certified Bad Guy Scientists before the Good Guys
can even get a look at it.
Third Corollary: When all else fails, have the bad guys use Russian equipment.
Fourth Corollary: The Bad Guy Pool consists mainly of aliens, Middle-Eastern
terrorists, former Russian soldiers, and the ever-consistant generic monster
pool.

40. Law of Heroic Qualifications: Heroes must either be a) so noble they
can't even spit, or b) the most bad-@$$ SOB's on the planet ( or at least in
the eyes of the game's creators - to them, slapping a leather jacket on
someone is the equivilent of giving him a murder record ).
First Corollary: A hero is either a) a cocksure rookie or b) a hardended
veteran.
40a. Law of Recovery from Disgrace: If you were dishonoured in the past,
don't worry. Aliens or monsters will invade and you'll have a chance to
redeem yourself.

41. Law of Medical Progression: In video game worlds, hospitals are
obsolete. In order to recover from mortal wounds, all that is necessary is
for the hero to step on a box with a red cross on it. Also, heroes have been
known to recover from the brink of death simply by taking a quick nap at the
local inn.
41a. Law of Injury Irrelavance: Someone who is 99% 'dead' is restricted to
activities no more strenuous than flying mecha, running marathon-like
distances, driving tanks, or taking all the legions of hell.
First Corollary: Limbs are apparently unseverable, unless someone yells out
"Finish Him!"
41b. Law of Mortal Uncertainty: Death is never permanent. All that leaves is
taxes.

42. Law of Numerical Discontinuity: Numbering systems in video game worlds
are vastly different from those in real life. For instance, the Street
Fighter Effect affects numerical ordering as such: 1,2,2,2,2,2,2,0,0,3,0.
First Corollary: When the number of video games in a series gets too high,
or when the series changes consoles, slapping 'Super' in front of the title
and eliminating the number will solve all problems.

43. Law of the Perpetually Malfunctioning Controller: If you lose, it's
because the controller was broken. Every time.

44. Law of Talent Gauging: How good someone really is is directly
proportional to how many times the arcade whiner calls him/her 'cheap.'
First Corollary: Button mashers who win a game are perpetually mystified
when someone truly good beats them every time ( also known as the
Luck-of-the-Stupid Effect ).

45. Law of the Perpetually Blemished Record: Even 400 wins in a row won't
offset the time you lost four straight matches to that nine-year-old kid.

46. Law of North American Box Art: The quality of a game's box art is
inversely proportional to the distance between the artist and the game's
creator.
First Corollary: Don't depend on Capcom. Ever.

47. Law of Hollywood Conversions: 90% of the movies that would make good
games won't.
First Corollary: Disney movie games are like Star Trek movies; every second
one is tolerable.

48. Law of Import Stupidity: Video game corporations will pass over
brilliant RPG's for "Jane and Buffy Take on the Xweebledorfs" every time (
known as the Money-over-Quality Effect ).
First Corollary: Companies that try and rectify this situation will be
shunned at least one major corporation ( known as the
I-Don't-Like-the-Cut-of-his-Jib Effect ).

49. Law of Piracy: Piracy's wrong. Don't do it. Save the whales. Recycle.

50. Law of Governmental Influence: Video games are the root of all evil.

									- MW
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