Subject: Re: [FFML] [FF] Financial Responsibilities (1st Draft)
From: SEE
Date: 8/13/1996, 7:10 PM
To: fanfic@fanfic.com

On Tue, 13 Aug 1996, Cynewulf wrote:


Right.  Tried posting this during the dead spell, and I guess it didn't 
work. 
***
    Hmmm. Does this happen a lot?

shortage."  She frowned.  "Dammit!  This means that I'll have to
put off buying that new CD player.  Again.  And it's Ranma's fault. 
Again."  She almost spat the name out like an expletive.
    This is a nice touch. Nabiki is always a cynical, sarcastic girl in 
the anime, but we never see how she acts when Ranma isn't around. 

     Nabiki let out a bitter laugh, a single abrupt sound she cut
off sharply.  "Oh yeah, some fiance!  Half-girl, engaged to two
other girls whom he hasn't even _tried_ to get rid of!  Sometimes
I think he's just stringing my poor sister along!"
    Whoa! Nabiki sure is bitter! Then agin, given the rest of what you 
wrote, her bitterness is pretty justified. Since we have no idea whether 
or not Soun actually takes in students, we can only assume that Nabiki 
pulls the extra slack.

               Kasumi had no answer for her.  _She_ felt quite differently. 
She just _knew_ that Ranma and her sister would eventually get
together; where Nabiki saw an arrogant, manipulative boy, Kasumi
saw a shy, confused young man who would, eventually, realize how he
felt about his fiancee.  How often had he saved Akane, how many
times had he sacrificed a cure, or almost his life, to keep her
safe?   They _would_ end up together.  It was just a matter of
time.  And of waiting.  Just like life - given enough time,
everything always turns out fine.
    A nice paragraph, but perhaps a little excessive. Since the story 
focuses on Nabiki, Kasumi's feelings are less important than this 
paragraph calls for.

     "Nabiki!" exclaimed Kasumi.  "You're not going to sell more
pictures of Ranma-chan, are you?"
   Would Kasumi call him Ranma-chan? I thought onna-Ranma was more 
standard Japanese.

     "No." a voice sighed.  Nabiki froze, wondering who had spoke,
then realised it was Ranma, muttering in his sleep.  Now, _that_
was odd... Ranma had _never_ spoken in his sleep, not in the dozen
or so times she'd conducted these little photo shoots.  Obviously
    Okay, is Ranma awake at this time? You state at the end that Ranma 
woke up after Nabiki took her first photo, but here, she hasn't taken one 
yet. Just a small inconsistency.

Not girls... as far as she could tell, he had about as much
interest in the opposite sex as a turnip.  Akane?  She smiled
    Heh. The "turnip" touch is pretty good.

     "Nabiki..." whispered Ranma, lips parting slightly in a
pleased grin.  Nabiki glanced up, shocked.  The camera clicked,
then whirred.  Was he awake?  No... he hadn't moved, his eyes were
still closed, the breathing still deep and even.  Was he...
thinking of... of her?  And... happy?  But why?  Could it be
that...
     Okay, this goes a bit beyond the scope of believability, but you 
manage to save it in the end. Still, for some reason, I don't like it 
much. I guess it's just me.

of the time.  Admitedly, he _had_ fallen asleep waiting for her to
show, but he'd woken up as she took her pictures.  Did she think he
wouldn't?  The first time, maybe, he'd been unprepared.  Did she
     Ha! Nice surprise you've set up for us here. This puts Ranma in 
quite a different light than he was portrayed in the beginning of the 
fic. Quite a guy, isn't he (well, sometimes)?

     But she _was_ wrong about a few things.  He had no intention
of ever leaving the Tendos with an empty bank account, a worn out
house, and a youngest sister with a broken heart.  He frowned,
angered by Nabiki's assessment of him.  He might be the cause for
the damages to the house, but he also knew his responsibilities to
the household.  Nabiki knew hers as well.  She payed the bills. 
And, if the only source of money was his female body, so be it. 
If, next time, it had to be in lingerie... then so be it.  And if
Nabiki wanted to maintain the arrogant belief that he was an idiot,
so be it.  What did he care?
    Okay, this paragraph is probably the one you can significantly 
shorten to cut down the ending. You may even be able to get away with 
leaving it out completely.

But maybe mention it to Kasumi... she
would know what to do.  Kasumi was good at that kind of thing.
    The Kasumi thing seems to take away from the effect of the ending. 
Besides, what could Kasumi do about it, anyway? I would cut out these two 
sentences.

	Right.  A couple of comments:
	I'm actually surprised by my portrayal of Nabiki.  I really don't 
see her as being quite that bitter.  I just wrote her that way.
    Me neither, but it works, at least in your portrayal of the financial 
situation of the Tendo household. A well-written short about Nabiki not 
knowing as much as she thinks she does.

---
Raphael See