Anyone remember all the hype surrounding Doom and Doom 2?  Well...I found
this on my account, and...  *evil grin*

-----

I work for NORAD (North American Defense) and recently the following
transmission was received from the planet Mars. Originally it was classified
top secret and sealed away in a vault. I felt it was too important to
humanity and so I absconded  with  a copy of it and have decided to
release it to the world. I fear for the future of humanity. The message
is as follows:
 
(lots of static and radio frequency type noises which finally clear. A
bunch of voices can be heard mumbling to one another.)
 
Voice 1: Are we on?
 
Voice 2: What's going on? Did you guys get a link yet?
 
Voice 3: We're on man we've got a clean connection.
 
Voice 2: oh we're on?
 
Voice 1: I think we're on.
 
Voice 4: (booming and aggravated) You're on you damn morons start talking now
or I missile your faces.
 
EX-MARINE ROGER JOHNSON : Hello earthlings. How's it going? We've got a
problem up here on Mars. You guys keep coming up here and attacking us.
And I'm not talking about just a few of you, this must be the rage or
something because you guys seem to be coming in droves. What's the deal?
Can't you just leave us alone? What did we ever do to hurt you guys? You
probably think we're the problem. You probably think we started all of
this but actually it was you guys. Sure we shoot back now but wouldn't
you too? Sometimes we even shoot first just because we're all so edgy.
But it's all because of the havoc and destruction you have wrought on
our once peaceful little colony. Why can't you just stay on Earth and
leave us all alone?
 
I'm going to tell you something right now you've got a lot of the
residents up here really pissed and I don't think they're all going to
take this lying down. Some of these guys are starting to get really
irritated so you better watch yourselves. Anyway I don't want to sound
threatening..... Oh darn a piece of my rotten arm just fell off.....
ouch that smarts. Like I was saying I don't want to sound threatening or
anything but you guys are taking a toll on us and I was just wondering
if you maybe you could chill out a little bit? Would that be possible? 

BOOMING VOICE: Get that whimpering shit out of there before I missile his head.
 
EX-SERGEANT BUD SCHMITZ: Sergeant schmitz here. Look folks lets talk numbers
here for a minute. Do you have any idea what the kill ratio we're looking at
here is? I don't have hard numbers but it's something like 50 to 1. You folks
are killing fifty of our young men for every one of you that we kill.
And like roger said, this is all in self defense. Now what in God's name
are you savages trying to accomplish. These are fine young men who could
have had careers. They could have had futures. But no you bastards had
to come on along and wreak absolute havoc on out peaceful Mars colony. I
HOPE YOU ALL DIE MISERABLE, PAINFUL DEATHS WITH SALT POURED ON YOUR
GAPING WOUNDS.!!!

IMP: See now you've gotten sarg all upset. He's not going to be right for the
rest of the afternoon. See what you guys have done? You've caused quite
a stir up here. Well let me get to the heart of this message. You see so
far you folks have been the aggressors and we have been sitting here
like sheep just waiting to be picked off. You don't think we're going to
let this go on forever do you? I'm just going to say what I'm hinting
at- YOU FOLKS CAN BE ATTACKED TOO. Got that. Don't think you can just
sit there in your ivory tower and launch invasion after invasion on our
colony and expect us to take it sitting down.  Earth is open to invasion
too you know. This is a two way street. What comes around goes around.
Do as I say not as I do.... wait a minute that  was the wrong cliche any
rate be forewarned. We are planning an invasion of your feeble little
planet. We've decided that we've had enough. It's our turn to be the
aggressors and your turn to be the victims. Sort of like Clarence Thomas
and Anita Hill. Or that dame and Bill Clinton - We are going to harass
the hell out of you. Consider yourselves warned.

(pause)

BOOMING VOICE: I liked his tone. Did anybody else like his tone?
 
EVERYBODY ELSE:       Yes!
 
BOOMING VOICE: Who's next?
 
PINK GORILLA: Did you guys know that if I wanted to I could bite your entire
face off in just one bite? Take a look at my jaws sometime. They're fraggin'
HUGE. I've just been restraining myself up to this point. From now on it's no
holds barred. When we come to earth I'm taking one face per bite. Got
that? One bite equals one face. I'll be seein' you soon.

BOOMING VOICE: I like that. Short and to the point. I've always like
Pinky. He speaks my language- succinct and threatening. That's good.
 
SPECTRE: Spectre here. Look folks, you brought all of this on
yourselves. What did you expect? Now as for my invisibility algorithm.
Up to this point it's been. fairly successful. It works real good in the
dark. But I know you guys can still see me. I've looked at some of the
other guys and I can always see this outline, this kind of shimmering
form, you know what I'm talking about. Well not much longer you won't
because we've been working on the algorithm and we've made some marked
improvements. By the time this ones finished you jerks aren't going to
be able to see JACK SHIT. Keep that in mind when you tuck in your
children tonight We're coming for you  Sleep tight.

FLAMING HEAD: Am I supposed to talk now? Is it my turn?
 
BOOMING VOICE: Do you see anybody else at the microphone RETARD!!
 
FLAMING HEAD: Oh right, it's Cacodemon's turn.
 
BOOMING VOICE: He's in the bathroom right now you fucking dolt. Speak
now or be eradicated. (mechanical sounds can be heard)

FLAMING HEAD: Right, sure, OK, well. Say earthlings did you know that
all I've been trying to do this whole time is light one of you guys on
fire. That's my big goal. I just want to crash into one of you guys and
just see you light up like a Christmas tree. Sure I'll bite you and
stuff but that's usually because I'm frustrated. What I really want to
see is one of you fella's ON FIRE. Then you could run around and bump
into your buddies and light them on fire too. Then you'd all be on FIRE.
Pretty soon there'd be fire everywhere. FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE.

VOICE ON THE SIDE: Uh oh. He's getting on one of those fire kicks again.
 
FLAMING HEAD: FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE
 
In the background mechanical sounds can be heard. Mechanisms and gears and
engines firing up. Suddenly a rocket can be heard approaching followed by a
LOUD explosion. 

Several moments of silence.

VOICE 1: Are we back up again?
VOICE 2: Yeah we're on again. Good thing I brought several microphones I knew
this was going to happen.
 
BOOMING VOICE: Let that be a lesson to all of you. Lose your cool on the
stand and I'm going to blast you and the fucking podium to Earth. Who's
next?

BARON: Yeah that would be me.
 
BOOMING VOICE: Go ahead.
 
CACODEMON: I think I was supposed to go next.
 
BARON: Oh right. It's your turn.
 
CACODEMON: No offense.
 
BARON: None taken.
 
CACODEMON: Great, just let me squeeze in there.
 
BARON: You need to lose some weight.
 
CACODEMON: I know I've been working on that but it's a problem I've had
all my life.
 
Mechanical sounds can be heard in the background.
 
CACODEMON: Howdy everyone. You heard the Baron mention my weight well
I've been thinking. Rather than trying to lose the weight maybe I should
put it to my advantage. I've been thinking about transforming myself
into a Flaming Bowling Ball from Hell. What do you all think?
 
a lot of mumbling and discussion in the background.
 
VOICE: What would happen when you hit a pool of acid?
 
CACODEMON: I don't know I guess I could dissolve or something.
 
BARON: You want the truth, what I really think?
 
CACO: Sure.
 
BARON: Sorry but I think it bites.
 
CACO: Ok well I don't have to become a bowling ball, but I could throw my
weight around a little more. Instead of just shooting pretty, sparkly, purple
balls at people I could corner them in tight situations and just smash
the crap out of them.
 
pause
 
BARON: That's not at all a bad idea. I like that. Do you think it would
get the kill ratio down from the current 50 to 1.?
 
CACO: Absolutely.
 
BARON: I say do it. What do the rest of you think?
 
VOICES: Yes, good, do it, sounds good to me.
 
BOOMING VOICE: OK it's done. Start throwing that weight around fatty. We're
going to need all the help we can get. Baron you're on.
 
BARON: Well what can I say that hasn't already been said. How about if I just
say what's on my mind. You suckers are dead. You're minced meat. You're
toast. You're going to wish you were never born. You haven't felt pain
yet. You don't know the meaning of pain. You're going to see that kill
ratio drop from 50 to 1 in your favor to 50 to 1 in our favor. As far as
personal modifications go, I'll be shooting flames out of my hands, like
I do now, as well as out of my feet, my eyes, my ears, my mouth, my
knees and for those who sneak up behind me I've got a special surprise
for you. Let's just say I'm going to be a lot tougher. See you at your
favorite city or coming soon to a neighborhood near you.

BOOMING VOICE: OK faggy it's your turn.

SPIDER DEMON: Well I have to admit Baron is looking a lot tougher these days.
In fact I think he's started to muscle in on my turf. I don't know, I don't
feel at all comfortable with this development.....
 
Large crashing sounds.
 
BOOMING VOICE: Out of the way milktoast. This is CYBERDEMON here and I'm
going to make it real plain and simple. We're coming to your planet.
We're coming for revenge and we're coming to eradicate you pathetic
little wimps. We're coming for the pure fun of blowing you all limb from
scrawny little limb. We'll be there soon, (aside) what would you say two
weeks?

BARON: Yeah about two weeks.
 
CYBERDEMON: Two weeks and you won't be able to stop us. Consider yourselves
forewarned. This is going to be the mother of all battles. It's going to
be the end of life as you know it. It's going to be the end of human
civilization. In short it's going to be HELL ON EARTH. This game is not
over man.

(stunned silence.)
 
after several moments-
 
VOICE: OK that's it, kill the link.
 
Some clunking around can be heard which is followed by pure......
 
 
 
static.........................................................................
.........................................
 
 
DOOM ON.

Damon Casale, .sigless again.
scyth@andrew.cmu.edu