Sterman munches away on microwave popcorn as he punches up Jeff's new
fanfic. He's heard rumblings about this story, and has been looking
forward to reading it.
Hold On
by: Jeff Rutsch
Very good title, as Sterman will later come to understand.
I wonder what mother had done, so many years before? Did she rush
out to greet father with open arms, before he could even open the
door? Did she eagerly await his entry, and then spring to him when he
entered, like a delighted puppy? Did she pretend nothing was out of
the ordinary, and let him make the first move?
Sterman wonders who "I" is. He reads down two, three more paragraphs
without a clue. Sterman gets a little frustrated. He figures it out
eventually, but wonders if maybe a stronger hint should be contained in
the first paragraph.
It was hard to tell. Perhaps she did little more than I. After
all, I could only remember her last anniversary.
Sterman frowns at this, thinking about the discussion that raged on the
Ranma ML a few months ago, and about the "Like Water for Ranma" OAV.
It's been pretty well established that Kasumi was in her early teens
when her mother passed away. Surely she would remember more than one.
She was a veritable slit of beauty, surrounded by the palpable
confines of her fur jacket.
Sterman frowns; this is an ugly sentence. "Palpable confines"? That
doesn't make sense. Sterman thinks he knows what Rutsch is trying to
say, but knows it can be said in a much better way.
"You shouldn't have!" I exclaimed, knowing full well he had too.
That's how it had always been. On birthdays and anniversaries, father
always brought home flowers, after all.
Sterman shakes his head in admiration. This scene is wondeful. Here is
the beginning; we can begin to see how Kasumi views marriage: not by
the way you feel, but by the way you act. Sterman shudders slightly,
worried about what's to follow.
He ended the kiss abruptly. I stood back and looked at his face.
"Thanks for the flowers," I said, eventually.
"It was nothing." We paused. We didn't know what to say.
And we begin to see what Tofu thinks. He wants to know what Kasumi is
thinking and feeling; little does he know that Kasumi is merely acting
out a script, waiting for her next cue.
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good. General
care is so outdated. If that man had a specialist from the beginning,
it never would have been gotten that far."
I smiled at him. "Well, I'm sure whatever you're doing is the
right thing. You're very smart."
Sterman knows what Rutsch is trying to do; have Tofu be worried about
his work and his skill, and have Kasumi be unable to help him.
Nevertheless, Sterman thinks that the whole "clogged arteries" things,
and Tofu's worries about having a specialist from the beginng, are a
little artificial. Sterman reads Kasumi's response again, however, and
realizes he likes it very much.
"The reservations aren't for another hour and a half."
"I'm sure we can find something to occupy ourselves in the
meantime."
Sterman, after reading the scene in the bedroom at the end, reads this
line again and thinks it's unnecessary. It detracts from the statement
trying to be made in the "non-lemon" scene. Sterman thinks the above
two lines should be snipped.
"I don't know," I said, "This is awful far to walk."
Sterman frowns at the adverb. Awfully.
"I thought it might be fun to go for a walk," he protested.
"Yes, you're right. Good idea!" I said, and smiled cheerfully.
He was awfully clever.
Sterman grimaces. It's like talking to a three-year-old. Except that
Sterman has met three-year-olds with more intelligence than this.
"You know-", he said, waiting for me to look back at him. "In
the year we've been married, I've come to love you more every day."
Sterman pauses to consider. Shouldn't it be the other way? This story,
Sterman thinks, is how Tofu is beginning to realize he made a mistake in
marrying Kasumi. His love should be growing less as his doubts grow.
Still, Sterman supposes, maybe Tofu's only *saying* that his love is
growing, trying to get a response out of Kasumi.
"Thanks," I said, as sweetly as possible.
This was probably not the response he was hoping for. Sterman
especially likes the phrase "as sweetly as possible", which makes it
clear that Kasumi is only acting, responding how she thinks she should
respond, rather than trying to convey her own feelings.
"When I first met you, I never would dream that one day you would
be my wife."
"Thanks," I said, as sweetly as possible.
"And once I realized I loved you, I never thought you would be
able to love me back."
"But I do."
"And I'm glad of it," he said.
"Thanks," I said, as sweetly as possible. He sighed. It took
him a while to resume our conversation.
Sterman shudders again. More and more, we're seeing Kasumi as an empty
shell. Sterman appreciates Tofu's dilemma; how do you respond to
something that has no feelings? Empty sweet feelings are just as
horrible as empty cold feelings.
"Just, just out of curiosity-" He paused. "Just out of
curiosity, how do you see yourself?"
I laughed. "What a silly question!" And it was, really.
"Maybe. But how?" he asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you see yourself as my wife? Do you see yourself as an
independent person who happens to be married to me? Do you see
yourself as the leader of a future family? Do you see yourself as the
heart of the home?"
Sterman's eyebrows shoot up at the mention of the title of his own story
about Kasumi. Here it is, Rutsch's direct challenge to Sterman's own
portrayl of Kasumi. Sterman likes *his* Kasumi - confident, loving, and
most of all, smarter than she lets on. Rutsch's Kasumi reminds Sterman
of Minmei. A complete and total airhead, depending on those around her
for her identity. Sterman hates people like that. He doesn't like this
Kasumi.
Sterman pauses, and shakes his head sadly as realization pours over
him: Rutsch's Kasumi is much more true to the Takahashi portrayl. No
matter how much Sterman *wants* Kasumi to be like he writes her, the
reality of Takahashi's characterization is much closer to the Rutsch
version.
Sterman goes and grabs a can of caffeine-free Diet Coke to console
himself with.
"I don't-" I paused. "I'm afraid I don't understand."
And that's the problem, isn't it, Kasumi?
"What I'm asking is - never mind," he said, almost
apologetically. "Never mind. It's a stupid question. I shouldn't
have asked it."
"It's not a stupid question.
The question was not stupid. Expecting an intelligent answer was.
Sterman finishes his Diet Coke and grabs another one.
The food really was quite good. He had ordered beef, and it
arrived grilled to perfection, with a wide selection of sauces to dip
it in. He had also ordered a sampler of sashimi. There were many
different types of fish available, and all looked very good. The
octopus, I recall, looked particularly fresh.
Sterman nods his appreciation of the subtle points this paragraph is
making. This is so much like Kasumi, to notice intricate details about
the food, and notice nothing about her husband's feelings.
"Not doing anything different for our anniversary?" He paused.
"I mean, I'm just curious. I'd think you'd want to take the day off."
"Well, I didn't cook today, of course. Except for breakfast and
lunch."
Sterman sighs. He hasn't had any Diet Coke today. Except for the three
cans that are sitting next to him.
"You don't have to do that, you know. It's not a big deal for
you to drop by a restaurant, or just order food. I've told you, we're
not pressed for money."
"I know that. But-"
"But what?"
"Well, it doesn't seem right. Mother never would have gone out
for food. And she wasn't poor, either."
Yet another example of Kasumi looking at how other people, especially
her mother, acted and trying to be like them, rather than trying to be
her own person.
"Well-" I thought for a second on how to phrase what I was
thinking. "If you could have been there, I think you would know what
I mean. The cooking, the cleaning - even as a child I knew it wasn't
really necessary, that mother could have gotten hired help if she
wanted. She did it because she wanted to. It was there that I
realized that the chores, chores other people like to call 'domestic',
are, really, love."
Sterman likes this paragraph too, yet at the same time he wonders:
*could* Kasumi's mother have hired help? It seems to Sterman that the
Tendo family was always very poor, and wouldn't have a lot of extra
money lying around for extravagances such as professional cleaners.
"There isn't. Well, maybe there's other things, like kissing,
like how you treat the person, but that's of less importance."
"Less importance?"
"Yes. Cooking and cleaning - you're showing the person that you
care. That you want them to have a good place to live, to have good
food to eat."
"That's of more importance than how you act?"
"Yes!" I hated to raise my voice. But that was something you
weren't supposed to question. Not even him.
Sterman drains his can. Oh gawds. Tofu must be feeling horrorified
right now. What kind of screwed-up mentality does his wife have?
"Okay," he replied. "I mean, I'm just curious. I'm not
disagreing. But, well, even if that shows that you love me, then how
does it show that I love you?"
Sterman thinks Tofu should have a stronger reaction than being
"curious". It would be nice to see a look of astonishment and/or
sadness on Tofu's face at this point, to convey how disappointing
Kasumi's definition of love is.
"No, No, No." I responded. "Of course, I'm not - I'm not
doubting you. I'm just saying, of course you love me! You're my
husband!"
"I know. But, well, how am I supposed to show it?"
"You, you don't need to show. After all, you're my husband. Of
course you love me."
Sterman feels his eyes begin to sting, partly sadness, partly
frustration. Does Kasumi have no heart at all?
"So," he said, "that was great. I love that restaurant. I'm
glad you got reservations there."
"It's the same one my father used to take my mother to, you
know."
"No, I didn't know that. But-" he paused. "But I'm not
surprised."
He shouldn't be. Again, the references to Kasumi merely playing a part
that she's seen others play.
"Let me get that in the bedroom," I said, hinting as subtly as
possible.
Kasumi opened the door, looked at her watch, and asked the guest,
"Shouldn't you be leaving?", trying to be as subtle as possible.
Sterman laughed at the "subtly as possible" line, at the same time
feeling sad. Kasumi and subtlety is like Ranma and politeness. Nabiki
and charity. Kodachi and rationality.
"I love you," he said, spuriously.
Sterman frowns at the word "spuriously". It isn't right in this
context. Sterman thinks a better word would be "unnecessarilly", which
would better convey what Kasumi thinks of his statement.
He was soft. Completely.
Sterman frowns at this sentence too. It's important for us to
understand that sex does not take place at this point. He thinks,
however, that it could have been said in a better way.
I woke up in the middle of the night, forlorn. I rolled out of
the spoon position and stared at the ceiling.
Sterman wonders what a spoon position is. He imagines a spoon. He
can't see Kasumi lying on her back with her legs held in a big circle.
Maybe it means a spoon turned on its side. Sterman can see that.
I don't know why I felt so bad.
Sterman is surprised; he wasn't aware Kasumi could feel anything.
It wasn't that I had been
particularly looking forward to the - how do I put this - physical
consummation. But everybody knows that's supposed to happen on
anniversaries! In a silly way I felt guilty, like when you don't
drink on New Year's, or when you don't put out a koi for Boy's Day.
Even if you don't like drinking, even if koi kites are silly, that's
what you're supposed to do! Everyone knows that!
This is another good paragraph. Sex for Kasumi is an obligation,
something husband and wives do, especially on their anniversaries. It's
not something she necessarily enjoys.
But, well, they happened more often than happened with us.
Sterman shakes his head. Another ugly sentence. He didn't even
understand it the first time he read it. Sterman believes the sentence
should be rephrased.
I rolled back into the spoon position, pressing myself hard into his
body. He didn't stir. I cried myself to sleep.
Maybe this will be good for Kasumi in the long run. Sterman can't help
but wonder, however, if their marriage will survive to the second
anniversary.
Hello! Hope you enjoyed the story!
Sterman wouldn't say "enjoy", exactly. This is a wonderful piece, a
very good counterpoint to the "Kasumi is a closet genius" view that many
fanfic writers, Sterman included, tend to take.
This work makes another very good point: Tofu was an idiot for not
getting to know his wife before marrying her. He just assumed she was
the ideal woman, and acted under the impulses of irrational
all-consuming love. Love is a wonderful thing, but it should be
tempered with judgement, or it will fade.
Sterman feels very, very sorry for Tofu.
Sterman drops the can of Diet Coke onto the floor, goes to the
refrigerator (ignoring the metallic crunching noise his shoes make) and
reaches for another Diet Coke, only to find no more. Didn't he buy a
24-pack yesterday? Sterman grimaces.
Sterman closes the door, leans against the refrigerator, and sighs.
Very few stories affect him as much as this (Ranma 2096 was the last one
to play with Sterman's emotions this much). It was a very good, moving
piece of people trying to hold on to love and not knowing how to do it.
Sterman congratulates Jeff Rutsch in his mind, then walks out the door
to see if he can't find a local Coca-Cola warehouse nearby.