From:        Richard Lawson, sterman@sprynet.com

This is the single hardest story I have ever written.

I have publicly stated my general disapproval of lemons.  It's best not
to think of the characters in *that* way.  Nevertheless, when writing
chapter 8 of "Thy Inward Love", I felt strongly motivated to write of
Kuno and Nabiki's prom night.  Not just for the sex, but for the other
things they had gone through.

I agree, it's the 'other things' that make this story worth writing. 
Though I'm going to leave the 'thorough' review to Sebastian or someone 
else, since I really don't want Frito to come within 30 miles of this. :) 
Some quick comments, though:

Now, to the self-effacing remarks Sean Gaffney hates so much:  Kun-chan
and I once had a mini-debate about sex in fanfics.  

<Snip>

I can't say as I can comment knowledgeably on the subject at all... but 
I'd tend to agree that making it 'realistic' felt like a much better fit 
for this story.

"Well,"  Nabiki wondered about revealing this, but found the words coming
out of mouth before she could fully consider them.  "I am on the pill."

Hiromi and Rei gasped, while Minami looked blankly at her.  "The pill?"

Nabiki felt her face go red.  She wished she could take the words back. 
"Birth control pills."  She'd been on them for about six months now, a secret
that only her gynecologist had known until know.

Minami's eyes went wide, while Rei and Hiromi stared at her.

Nabiki grimaced; she was afraid of this reaction.  Everyone seemed to assume
that being on the pill meant that you were promiscuous.  "I'm still a virgin.
Just thought it best to be prepared.  And it's convenient in other ways."

A bit of intentional foreshadowing, here?

Nabiki's mind was in a whirl.  She stared up at Tatewaki, thinking of
how much she had come to depend on him, how much her heart leapt 
whenever she saw him, how much she enjoyed his company, how much she
loved the feel of his body next to hers.  Something was changing
inside of her, something fundamental.  Some very strong barriers that
she had erected over the course of years were being washed away by the
strength of the emotions she was feeling right at this moment.  Those
emotions were forever altering, at this very moment, the way she looked
at life in general.  And Tatewaki in particular.

I've always felt these 'suddenly his/her emotional attitudes changed 
forever' bits to be pretty cheesy, with very *very* few exceptions. I 
have seen (and experienced ^_^) emotional storms that suddenly sweep away 
old attitudes -- *temporarily*. However, the old attitudes usually make 
at least one last-gasp return after the storm has passed; even in the 
cases where the storm has dealt them a death blow, they don't vanish 
immediately.

In this specific case, Nabiki's *behavior* is consistent, and I can 
certainly see this moment sweeping aside her barriers; but I couldn't 
accept it as a permanent change unless a) those barriers have been eroded 
by her time with Tatewaki (which is certainly consistent with the events 
you've portrayed, but it needs to be acknowledged; the passage as it 
reads now makes it sound like her full-strength barriers were suddenly 
gone, and I don't find that plausible) or b) we see a reaction to this 
after the storm passes, which then grows into acceptance. Either one 
would work; I just have trouble seeing emotional states snap over like a 
light switch.

BTW, the song is certainly appropriate... and well-chosen. :)

She turned back to face him, nude from the waist up, wearing nothing but her
panties.  Tatewaki stared at her breasts.  Although he'd felt them in 
previous sessions, she'd always kept her blouse on, even if it had been 
unbuttoned or pulled loose. 

This part bothered me, in a couple of ways:

a) Given Tatewaki's character, I find it pretty hard to believe that 
there had ever been 'previous sessions'; he strikes me as an 
'all-or-nothing' person, and it seems strange that he would go that far 
even once before, let alone multiple times. The part later about wanting 
to get married immediately is more what I'd imagine his character to be 
like.

b) With the possible exception of the passage I noted above, this didn't 
seem to be foreshadowed in any way; I had the impression that they'd been 
spending a lot of time together, but never a hint that they were doing 
anything stronger than holding hands (if even that).

Tatewaki reached out and took her hand.  "Sex..."  just saying the word
seemed to embarrass him.  "Sex is something only those who are married
should engage in.  It is not honorable otherwise."

This is the kind of attitude I was talking about; this sounds a lot more 
IC than previous 'heavy petting' sessions, and Tatewaki doesn't strike me 
as the sort to split hairs between the two.

Nabiki watched as the carriage drove away.  Damn, what a night this had 
been, full of all sorts of ups and downs.  There had been a whole lot of 
up, and they had worked together to try and minimize the down.  She liked 
that, liked the fact that she could trust someone as much as she trusted 
herself.  She was especially grateful that there was someone who needed her
as much as she needed him.

Tonight, she decided, was merely a microcosm of what her whole life spent 
with Tatewaki was going to be like.  It was going to be wonderful.

Humming to herself, Nabiki opened the door and went inside.

What? She isn't dazed? :)

I didn't like this one as much as I liked "Brother", but it still isn't 
bad, and there are some nice bits here. The main clunkers I found were 
the 'magical attitude change' and the lack of setup for/character 
inconsistency in the idea that they've been involved in sexual play 
before, even if they never went all the way.



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.