(This is actually something I've had for awhile, but somehow
the 'Anime Olympics' posts reminded me of it. I welcome any ideas
for modifications. Or any proposals to render it to video. :)

                    RIDING BEAN : THE QUICKENING
               A FanSub/Dub Parody Script by Stefan Gagne
                              v 1.2

REVISION POINTS TO CONSIDER IN v 1.3
 - The Pedophelia Scene!
     What else could this POSSIBLY be?  Zipper checking?  Current
     replacer isn't that great.
 - Cooler title.
 - Better timing. This is done to the Animego times for titles,
   but the lines are generally longer...
 - Sound cues for the 100% They Might Be Giants fandub
   soundtrack.
 - More visual cues for folks reading along at home.
 - Finding someone who'll sub this. :)

[Bean looking cool in his car]

BUSINESS DUDE : Is this a bad time to ask for a raise?

[Bean starts car]

COP : Rent-a-cops!  Everybody down before shift's over!
NUDE CHICK : Oh no, they see my tan lines!

[Cop's head gets blown apart]

ROBBER #1 : AHAHA!  Take that, doughnut sucker!  Oh, I love being
evil.

[Bad guys get away]

NOT DEAD COP : Foo!

ROBBER #1 : What the... MONEY?  I said get potato chips!  POTATO
CHIPS!  You know I can't eat just one!
ROBBER #1 : Hey, there's a bunch of guys with blue lights on
their cars behind us!
ROBBER #1 : Could you, like, get the lead out or something? 
We're in kind of a rush!
BEAN : All is cool.  Trust me.

COP : Car 54, where are you?  10-4, Adam 12.  Get the COD to the
BLVD PDQ.  Over.
CB RADIO : Roger that, Roger.

BEAN : Here we go.

[Big truck]

ROBBER #1 : What the...?
BEAN : There's something you don't see every day.
ROBBER #1 : I have to go to the bathroom!  Hurry!
ROBBER #1 : There's a gas station on the other side of that fence
I can use!  Go!

COP : Let's crash into him and waste untold taxpayer money in cop
cars!

[Little girl changes outfits]

FLASHING SUBTITLE : PLOT POINT

COPS : You MORONS!
                              Well, I THOUGHT it'd work!
COPS : We're ripping off the Blues Brothers!
                                   No, the Dukes of Hazard!
COP : FIDDLESTICKS!

BEAN : $19.95... plus tax.
ROBBER : Hold it!
BEAN : Problem?
ROBBER : I thought we got an under 12 discount!
BEAN : The child rate only applies every other Thursday.  You
need to learn to read fine print.  Adios.
ROBBER : Well, what about next--
BEAN : Sorry!  The management reserves the right to refuse
business to anyone.
BEAN : Frankly... you two losers give cabbage a run for its money
in the IQ department.

ROBBER : Feh.  Let's go!
ROBBER : [spits] Gotta love those cereal box prizes.
KID : Yep!

[Rally gets naked]

FLASHING SUBTITLE : OBLIGATORY SHOWER AND/OR DRESSUP SCENE

RALLY : Bean?  You hungry?  I'm making Pop Tarts!
RALLY : Jeez, Bean!  You know you're too big for that couch. 
BEAN!

[Breakfast]

RALLY : Got enough food there?
BEAN : Rally, you know I need this stuff for my muscle build! 
Don't you know I burn through 5000 calories a day?
RALLY : Yeah, but you make ME carry in the groceries every week! 
What about health food?  Can't you consider sprouts?
BEAN : Uh-huh.  Unfortunately, sprouts get you nowhere in terms
of daily vitamins and minerals.
RALLY : So when's our next job due in, anyway?
BEAN : Eh?
RALLY : If we're going to feed you a Hawaiian Feast each morning,
we need more capital.
RALLY : If you don't shift us to a higher tax bracket you're
gonna starve.
BEAN : It's not the prices.  We aren't shopping at the right
places.
RALLY : But are Bulk Foods really worth it?
BEAN : You bet, especially when you grind coffee by the pound.

[Noise]

BEAN : Could it be...
RALLY : The pizza boy?
BEAN : Let's hope so.
BEAN : Whozzat?
MORRIS : I want to send a package!  Open up!
BEAN : Try the Post Office, pal!
MORRIS : No, it's a SPECIAL package!  I need the Roadbuster! 
It's okay!  I'm not the villan in disguise!
BEAN : Lemme get my shades on first.

MORRIS : You've got to help me!  It's a matter of amusement or
death!

[At the post office]

DICK : Oh, sir!
DICK : The Postmaster wants you.
PERCY : Ah, jeez.
DICK : Golly, neat car.  Is it a Volvo?
PERCY : No, it's a Sports Car!  A Really Fast Sports Car!
PERCY : In THIS baby, that Roadbuster punk won't outrun me again!
PERCY : It has a Really Big Engine with a Specific Displacement.
PERCY : The wheels turn a lot, and you can steer it!  It has
tires and seats, too!
PERCY : You don't know how horny this car makes me!!!
PERCY : At this moment, I truly feel alive!  Nothing can stop me!

[Nervous laughter]

PERCY : And yet, I feel unfufilled.
DICK : I'm sorry, sir.

[Percy goes upstairs]

PERCY : Word up, Cheif.
CHIEF : Percy!  You interested in a little side work?
PERCY : Does it involve driving at unsafe speeds?
CHIEF : No, of course not!  Postal employees shouldn't go above
20 MPH...
PERCY : Don't worry!  I have good reason, now I can finally bag
that postal heretic.
CHIEF : Gosh, thrilling.
CHIEF : I could care less about him, he was a lousy employee
anyway.  I have another case for you!
PERCY : How dare you, sir!  Does not the pride of the US Postal
Office demand his punishment?
CHIEF : Roadbuster is a case for the cops, not beat mailmen!  You
wanna end up on 60 Minutes again?
CHIEF : If you embarass this department again, it would be Bad. 
We're talking loss of social security.
PERCY : Alright, what's the case?
CHIEF : Socks Grimwood.  Adorable little girl.  Snatched from a
taping of Barney and Friends on Thursday.

BEAN : So, mister...
MORRIS : Villian.
BEAN : Ah, Mr. Villian...
BEAN : ...why do you want ME to take her to this place, instead
of a taxi?
MORRIS : Because we need it done FAST.  Miss Grimwood doesn't
have long to live.
MORRIS : And Miss Grimwood was promised she could see the ball
her birthday.
MORRIS : It's her lifelong dream to see the Biggest Ball of Twine
in Minnesota.  I beg you, take her there.
MORRIS : We'll pay you in money and Twine Ball shirts.
BEAN : What sort of deadline we talkin' here?
MORRIS : The doctors say she'll be gone by tomorrow.  If we don't
get her to the Twine Ball soon, it'll be too late.
RALLY : Bean, check this out.  I recorded it off the Home
Shopping Network.  Maybe it'll help.
VOICE : Now you too can own a Fruit Dehydrator for under a
hundred dollars.
VOICE : Act now!  This offer won't last soon!
VOICE : Isn't the money you'll save on monthly groceries worth
the price?
VOICE : Call now -- we also accept Twine Ball T-Shirts!
VOICE : Wouldn't taking a job like that be helpful?
BEAN : Sounds like just what I need!
BEAN : Well, Mr. Villian, I see no reason why not.
MORRIS : You'll take her?
BEAN : Seinfeld's a rerun tonight anyway.
MORRIS : Hooray!

[Gunfire]

RALLY : What was that?
BEAN : Just a pointless action sequence, I think.
RaLLY : Was it relevant?
BEAN : Not really, but it proves how sturdy Ikea furniture really
is.  Thank goodness for Swedish engineering!
RALLY : What a great chair!
BEAN : And look, it was comfy enough to sleep in as well.
RALLY : So, shall we be off?
BEAN : I've always wanted to see the Twine Ball!

[Car tuning]

BEAN : Whoa!  Monoxide fumes!
BEAN : Rally, did you bring music?
RALLY : Everybody, Wang Chung tonight.  Everybody, have fun
tonight...
RALLY : It was strange of Mr. Villian to give us an audition
tape.  Do you think he's stable?
BEAN : I hope so, considering we're hired by him.  Insane
employers aren't my thing.
BEAN : I got enough of that working at the Post Office.  Thank
god I'm out of that dead end job.
RALLY : I think you're just working out your paternal instincts
with Socks there.  Ne?
BEAN : I've always wanted to be a father, as you know.
RALLY : Hey, do you think we should get married and raise a
family?
BEAN : Well, we'd have a hell of a family car, I suppose...
RALLY : That's true.  But we'd have to file our taxes jointly.
BEAN : Eh, skip it, then.
RALLY : Bean!  What about the dead guy up in our apartment?
BEAN : I'll call the maid later.

PERCY : You're kidding!
DICK : No!  Diet Dr. Pepper does taste more like regular Dr.
Pepper.
PERCY : But what about the case?
DICK : Well, we have this home movie I was going to send to Bob
Sagat.
DICK : The quality is only EP, but...
DICK : See?
PERCY : Ehh?  ROADBUSTER!
DICK : Yeah, but check out the impossible-with-modern-VCRs ultra
detailed enlargement!  It's neat!
PERCY : I've seen her before!
DICK : Of course, chief.  It's that girl, Socks.  Keep up with
the plot.
DICK : I figure with this as evidence, we can go chase him down
to loud music and look cool.
PERCY : Loud music!
DICK : REALLY loud music!
PERCY : Good boy!
PERCY : Look out, Roadbuster!  I'll live out my life's dream yet. 
I'll kick your ass and then redecorate!

RANMA : Enjoying hostage life, Mr. Grimwood?
GRIMWOOD : Not particularly.
RANMA : Feel trapped?
GRIMWOOD : That's a way to put it.  Say, question...?
RANMA : What?
GRIMWOOD : You and your friends kidnapped me for... my operating
system, correct?
RANMA : Yes, our company needs a good version of UNIX.
GRIMWOOD : I see... so you want me to work for your company
instead of my own?
RANMA : Of course!  All us programmers are stuck using Windows95.
GRIMWOOD : You're a programmer, who's the lady?
RANMA : My dominatrix!
GRIMWOOD : What... what kinds of programs do you make, anyway?
RANMA : Oh, mostly databases!  We use strict employee control and
discipline to maintain high output.
RANMA : In fact, I'd better get back to work now.
GRIMWOOD : Uh, one second...
GRMWOOD : Er, forget it.
GRIMWOOD : Uh, another second...
RANMA : What?
GRIMWOOD : I think we need to show the audience a urinal.  For
the Obligatory Bathroom Humor.
RANMA : There's one under the table, but we have two lines until
it's shown.
GRIMWOOD : Oh, two lines... well... I'm not sure what to say
until then.
RANMA : Don't worry.  Just adlib.

[The Urinal is Shown]

GRIMWOOD : Hmm, you think that was enough on screen time?
RANMA : Maybe, but we now need the Obligatory Sexual Content. 
Shall I do the honors?
GRIMWOOD : You're a strange little girl.
RANMA : Hey!  Without this, we won't sell a million OVAs.  It'll
only take a minute.
GRIMWOOD : No, no.  This scene is much too strange for my tastes. 
Go away.
RANMA : Don't be such a prude!
GRIMWOOD : Whoa, wait!
RANMA : Don't worry.  I'm also good at talking in a hushed
whisper.  Comes with the territory.
GRIMWOOD : STOP that!
GRIMWOOD : Whoops.
RANMA : You mind, pops?  I'm just playing my part!  How'd you
like a Lorena Special?
GRIMWOOD : Maaaybe we should go back IC now.
RANMA : Don't you tell me how to act, pal!  I've got a bit part
and I'm trying to expand my horizons here!
GRIMWOOD : Okay, okay, sheesh.
RANMA : I don't have much onscreen time to spend ranting about my
career, you know!
GRIMWOOD : Could we stop now?
RANMA : Oh, alright!
GRIMWOOD : So, can we go back to the beginning of the scene now?
VILLIAN : Am I interrupting?
VILLIAN : You two really need to stick to the script, you know!
RANMA : Boss!  Welcome back!
VILLIAN : Ah, Ranma... greetings... I was wondering...
RANMA : What?
VILLIAN : I'm wondering if you finished laying out those Java
classes yet.
RANMA : Uh, it'll take two weeks...
VILLIAN : We've got a project deadline here, you little brat!
The demo needs to be done tomorrow!
GRIMWOOD : You're so evil!
RANMA : It'll... be done soon... boss...
VILLIAN : I swear, it's like you forgot all your project design
seminars...
RANMA : Two weeks. I can swing two weeks, I promise, boss...
VILLIAN : If you make ONE bug...
GRIMWOOD : Stop the insanity!
RANMA : No bugs, no problem... I'll write good code...

[They kiss]

FLASHING SUBTITLE : UHHHHHUHUHUHUHUHUHHUH...

VILLIAN : We're leaving soon.  Finish your beta engine build.
RANMA : Right!
GRIMWOOD : How dare you...
VILLIAN : My business, my rules.  You'll learn to love working
for us.
GRIMWOOD : What of my daughter?
VILLIAN : Oh, she's on a guided tour of the city.  Quite safe, I
can garuntee.
GRIMWOOD : A tour?
VILLIAN : With Bean Bandit.  Renegade mailman for hire?
GRIMWOOD : The Roadbuster.  Quite a legend in this city.
VILLIAN : My cunning plan is to let him distract the cops and the
post office, while we escape to my zaibatsu.
GRIMWOOD : A distraction...
VILLIAN : Yes, a distraction.  Now, mister, you've got a new user
interface to make for us.
VILLIAN : Come on, it's time to go.  You've got many happy days
with us ahead of you.

[Roadbuster pulls up outside the gates.]

COP : Halt! Who goes there?
BEAN : Delivery Delivery!  Is this the Twine Ball Resort?
COP : The what?
BEAN : I've got a cute little girl here who wants to see the
Ball.  Lemme in, doughnut boy.
COP : Doughnut boy!!? I'll have you know I only eat CROISSANTS!
VIDEO COP : Gate Guy!
COP : Get over here!

RALLY : Check with me on this.  Was the Twine Ball recently taken
by terrorists?
BEAN : Well, it is the BIGGEST Ball of Twine... must draw some
crowd.
BEAN : Check, check one, check two... attention, ladies and
gentlemen!
BEAN : We're so glad you could join us on this momentous event.
BEAN : We'd really appreciate it if you sort of backed up and not
shot at us...
BEAN : ...since it would sort of ruin our day.  MAN, Isn't this
loudspeaker neat...
DUDE : Shut up!  Open the door and let Socks out this instant!
BEAN : Here's a tape one of your pals made for me.
TAPE : Stangers in the night, exchanging glances, wandering in
the night...

DICK : Sir!  We just installed the express elevator to the
garage!
PERCY : Hey!  How fast does that elevator go, anyway?
DICK : Mach three, sir.
PERCY : YEAH!  Nothing like a fast elevator.  Really gets your
blood pumping, you know?
DICK : Sir, maybe you need to cut down on your coffee intake?
PERCY : WHAT WAS THAT?
DICK : Errr, sorry, sir!
PERCY : Stop tearing down the good things in my life.
DICK : Sorry!
PERCY : Postal work is my life's calling, anyway... and I've got
a Roadbuster to deliver... TO HELL!

TAPE : Memories...
TAPE : Of the way we were.
BEAN : A stunning talent.  Pity he's dead now.
DUDE : Is that it?
DUDE : There is no Ball of Twine here.
DUDE : This is the Grimwood Estate, not the Ball of Twine!
BEAN : Wrong address?
DUDE : Wrong state!  You're looking for Minnesota, not Illinois!
BEAN : Uh, gee, well...
DUDE : Feh!  Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person!
BEAN : What was that... what did you say??
DUDE : I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
food trough wipers.
RALLY : Bean!
DUDE : I fart in your general direction!
DUDE : Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of
elderberries!
DUDE : Now, go away, or... I'll...
DUDE : Taunt you a... second... time?

BEAN : Hamster?  ELDERBERRIES?  YEAH, RIGHT!

RALLY : Hi!  Want to be friends?
SOCKS : Waaah, waah, I'm scared, waah, etc.
RALLY : Bean!  This is starting to suck!
BEAN : I know!  We'll ditch her, forget the Twine Ball shirts and
split.
BEAN : Antilock Brakes Rule!

RALLY : They just shot at Socrates!  Let's blow this joint!

PERCY : US Postal Service!  Let us in or never get a sweepstakes
envelope again!
PERCY : This is serious, guys!  Hope you brought your ammo!

BEAN : Percy-Mailman!  How goes?
PERCY : Roadbuster...
BEAN : So, still licking stamps, Percy?
PERCY : Bah!  I UPHOLD the honor of the delivery man!
BEAN : More like you uphold the honor of a boring letter carrying
job, eh?
PERCY : Feh!  At least I'm carrying good things, like letters
from Ed McMahon, instead of prepubescent girls!
BEAN : You were saying?
PERCY : You're going down, pal!  Hey, Dick!
DICK : Yes, master? Uh, sir?
PERCY : Show 'im.  Forms you never signed for shipping live
people!
BEAN : Eh, forms are boring.
PERCY : What?  Forms are important for maintaining control!
BEAN : I don't do dead trees, Percy.  Besides, I'm in a hurry...
PERCY : A hurry?
BEAN : See?  No time to talk about old times.  Seeya!
PERCY : HEY!!!
DICK : Whoopsie, glass!
PERCY : What timing!!

GOON : So it's a Grand Royale with Cheese in France?  I don't buy
it.
VILLIAN : Believe it.  They've got the metric system, they
wouldn't know what a Quarter Pounder is.
GOON : Really?
VILLIAN : Yes!  America is one of the few countries that isn't
Metric.  They laugh about us at parties.
VILLIAN : It's sad, really.
GOON : That blows my mind, you know that?
VILLIAN : Yep.
VILLIAN : Whoa, wait, what're you doing?
GOON : Getting a Grand Royale with Cheese?  And some gas, of
course.
VILLIAN : Premium or Unleaded?  We're on a budget!
GOON : Premium, of course!  You get more, whaddits, miles per
liter that way.
VILLIAN : Wait!  What if we bump into the hero of this OVA here?
GOON : Oh, don't be such a pessimist.

CHICK : Hello.  May I take your...?
RALLY : ...because without the blatant imagery, the movie is
nothing!  Oliver Stone just wanted a lot of quick edits!
RALLY : I'm amazed it when anywhere in theatres, considering how
poorly it was done.
RALLY : And not only is it jokingly surreal, it's poorly acted,
too!
BEAN : Just a film discussion.  I'd like four fried chickens and
a coke.  Want anything?
RALLY : I'll have a double...
SOCKS : ...scoop of vanilla!
BEAN : Ah, good, I was wondering if you were traumatized or
something.  Glad to see you're not.
BEAN : There's a big tip for you if you can get it here quick,
ma'am.
CHICK : Okay!  Boy, I hate my job.
BEAN : Feh... forms!  I can't believe Percy is still so hung up
about them.
BEAN : Oh, wait, they're not forms.  Is it too late to rewrite
the script?
SOCKS : Probably, yeah.
CHICK : Wait, if that photo was taken earlier in the plot, it
couldn't be Socks...
BEAN : I'm guessing we've been duped by Mr. Villian.  How'd have
guessed.

BEAN : Hello, home shopping network?  I'd like a copy of the
script... yeah... Visa.  Okay.
BEAN : Socks?  You don't mind if we cheat a little and read
ahead, do you?
SOCKS : Loser.
RALLY : You think it'll help?
BEAN : Of course.  You'd have to be a member of Mensa to figure
this mess out without hints, anyway.
RALLY : Yeah!
BEAN : So we just look ahead in the plot!
RALLY : What a brilliant idea!  We should try this more often.
BEAN : It'd make these OVAs so much easier on us. I'm surprised
more Anime characters haven't thought of this.
RALLY : We can end the OVA soon?
BEAN : End the OVA soon.
RALLY : End it soon?
BEAN : You bet!
RALLY : You think we'll get another OVA?
BEAN : Good question...
SOCKS : I'd sooner get a root canal than buy this anime.

RALLY : You lose too much of the original work when you dub it,
Bean!
BEAN : Hey, I HATE reading subtitles!  We'll sell more OVAs to
the Americans if we get dubbed, anyway!
RALLY : You have NO respect for art!
BEAN : I do too!
RALLY : Do not!
BEAN : Do too.  I just like to watch the action art, not read the
word art!

RALLY : You'd lose your cool voice if they dub it...
BEAN : Yeah, I guess that would suck.
RALLY : So, want to go with subtitles?
BEAN : I guess so... I just... HEY!  That truck!
BEAN : It looks very familiar... almost like a... plot point?
BEAN : AHA, it is one!  Rally!  Go bang bang!
RALLY : What?
BEAN : It's that truck from before!  The script says we need to
shoot it!
RALLY : Cool!

VILLIAN : Bean?!  Gadzooks!
BEAN : Man, I'm cool.  I'm so totally cool.  So totally
wonderfully cool.
BEAN : Look at my coolness and fear me!
BEAN : I'll get you, Mr. Villian!
RALLY : I don't think you're cool at all.  Calm down or I'm gonna
make you take your Prozac.
BEAN : Okay, okay.  I get the point.
BEAN : But first, I need to do a stunt.  Here goes!
RALLY : What the--?
BEAN : Don't worry!  I'm a professional!

VILLIAN : Those things aren't cheap, you know!
GOON : Bill me.
RANMA : Hey, I can't program back here with all those explosions
and things!
VILLIAN : Write all files to disk and shut down!  We've got
complications!

BEAN : Not so fast!

BEAN : Yikes!

VILLIAN : Rats!

VILLIAN : Argh!  This is not cool.
GOON : What're we gonna do?!
VILLIAN : It's simple.  Bend over and I'll shoot you to death.
GOON : Okay, go ahead.
VILLIAN : Thanks for your cooperation.

BEAN : Hey, I saw this road once before!

VILLIAN : Open the pod bay doors, Ranma.

BEAN : Rally, where did I see this before...?
RALLY : IT WAS THE BLUES BROTHERS!  LOOK OUT!

VILLIAN : Nifty.

VILLIAN/GOON2 : EXPLETIVE!!                     EXPLETIVE!!
GOON2 : Whoa!  Watch it!
VILLIAN : If I don't get on the HOV lane, they'll get us!  We'll
go this way!

BEAN : That was entertaining, Mr. Villian... now it's payback
time!
RALLY : Bean!  The kid crashed again.
BEAN : Good.  She was annoying the hell out of me.  It's time to
get bizzy.
RALLY : Busy?
BEAN : No, bizzy.

DICK : Lord -- uh, sir, I mean, go easy on that stuff!  You're
driving, you know!  It's not good for your reflexes.
PERCY : CAN IT!  I put my hopes and dreams into this car, and
you've ruined them!
PERCY : Where has my muse gone, my reason d'etre?  Thanks to you
my innocence has been jaded!
PERCY : I am one with loneliness, a drifting spirit!  Lo!  And I
feel LOUSY, TOO!
PERCY : It's me, what do you want?
NENE : Uh, um, um, uh, it's, uh, Roadbuster...
PERCY : What??
NENE : Proceeding east on Lower Whacker Drive at high speed.
PERCY : Lower Whacker... isn't that...
PERCY : OHHH, BABY!

BEAN : Insert One Liner HERE!

BEAN : Percy, not again.
BEAN : That STUNG!
RALLY : Oh my god... he's firing SPAM at us! That's inhuman!
PERCY : All mailmen to battlestations!  Kick their asses!  Have
no mercy!  Get cracking!
PERCY : Rally the troops!  Tote that barge!  Lift that bale!  GET
HIM!

BEAN : Rally!  We're going to have to blow 'em to bits!  Fire at
will!
RALLY : Can I grasp your big gun and squeeze it off?
BEAN : Eh, why not?

COP : Why do our cars read 'Police'?
PERCY : No time to explain!  Move it!

BEAN : Okay, waste 'em!
SOCKS : Don't!  Daddy's in there!
BEAN : RALLY!
RALLY : Drat!

VILLIAN : This is NOT cool!
BEAN : An action race sequence through Chicago?  I dig the
concept!

VILLIAN : Meep!
BEAN : Gotta get that window fixed.

BEAN : End of the line!

?? : Roadbuster got away.  Cars not involved in the third Blues
Brothers ripoff, persue.
?? : Where'd that dipwad Percy go?
?? : He's buried at the bottom of that mess!
PERCY : Get me out of here, you morons!

RALLY : Bean!
BEAN : Be right back.
RALLY : All right.
SOCKS : Um, that man, he'll save my daddy, right?
SOCKS : He's going after the bad guys... so he's a good guy,
right?
RALLY : Really, does he look that way to you?
RALLY : Boy, he's got YOU totally snowed.  He's actually the bad
guy in a symbolic frame of reference.
RALLY : For more interpretations, see appendix 2 of the Criterion
supplementals.

VILLIAN : You're quite impressive, Bean Bandit.  I like your
style.
VILLIAN : I might be willing to employ you.
BEAN : A job?
VILLIAN : How about being a truck driver for delivering software?
BEAN : Are you nuts?  And swap my 30,000 dollar shiny red penis--
err, sports car for a truck?
BEAN : You're seriously out of your gourd.
VILLIAN : Well, many positions are open.  Hours are flexible and
we have a dental plan.
VILLIAN : If you kill me, you'll never get those fangs fixed.
VILLIAN : Sound like a plan?  You'd like my company.  We could be
a great team.
VILLIAN : I'll start you off in an office with a window, and a
good pension plan.  How about it?
BEAN : Throw in a health care package and your liver on a stick,
and it's a deal!

VILLIAN : Okay, okay!  I'll include health care!

RALLY : Be vewy vewy quiet.
GOON2 : Freeze!  I've got a standard villian hostage technique
and I ain't afraid to try it!
GOON2 : Throw down your weapons and prepare to be judged!
RALLY : Don't quote cultural refferences at me, monkey boy!
GOON2 : I get really trigger happy when I'm called monkey boy! 
Don't tempt me!

VILLIAN : Okay, okay.  Health care, day care, AND free internet
access!
VILLIAN : Uh, company car?  No, company plane!  I can't offer
much more than that!
RANMA : Enough, enough!  We'll make you the CEO!
VILLIAN : HEY, that's MY job!
VILLIAN : HALT!
VILLIAN : Good. Much better. Now, drop the shiv.
BEAN : That's kind of low, isn't it, Ms. Villian?
VILLIAN : I'm the Villian, what did you expect?  Besides, you
have a soft spot for kids in danger.
VILLIAN : Bean Bandit, you're quite a guy.  I've seen your Post
Office Employee Ratings.
BEAN : I don't work for that chicken shit outfit anymore.
VILLIAN : Perhaps, but the files did say one thing... you cried
during Old Yeller.
VILLIAN : You're a jellyfish, Bean.  I've got the upperhand.  Now
drop it!
VILLIAN : Dickweed.

GOON2 : C'mon, already!
RALLY : I'm just throwing the clip, alright?
GOON2 : Sounds fine here.  Use your left hand, put your right
foot out.  Shake it all about.
GOON2 : Ah-ah!  Simon didn't say!

GOON2 : Throw it!

RANMA : We're sorry!  We're very sorry, please, accept our
apologies!
VILLIAN : Ranma!
RANMA : We're not going to win, we're villians!  Please!  Let us
go and you can have all our Microsoft stock!
BEAN : Cool.
RANMA : You win, we suck.  You're cool, we're not.  You can have
the whole, company, please, just don't...
VILLIAN : RANMA!
BEAN : NO!
RANMA : BOSS!

??? : All postal employees accounted for!  We've got him now!
??? : Bye bye, Roadbuster!  You never could sort correctly
anyway!
COP : Sir!  Why don't we just burst in there guns ablazing and
finish him off?  It'd be more fun than waiting around!
PERCY : Finish him?
PERCY : If it was that easy, the OVA would be over by now, you
nitwit!

BEAN : That's all, folks.
GRIMWOOD : Can you get out of here?  I think a bunch of crazy
mailmen have sealed the place...
BEAN : The main thing on my mind right now is eastern european
nations shifting to a free market economy, not the mailmen.
BEAN : Can you make sure you fax us the grocery money by
tomorrow, sir?
GRIMWOOD : Not a chance.
BEAN : Eh, whatever.  Ring me next time your daughter gets
kidnapped.

BEAN : Heya, kid.
BEAN : Come on, hop in.  We'll give you a lift back to Nerima,
it's on our way home.
BEAN : Ah, jeez.
RANMA : I'm understandably upset.
BEAN : C'mon.  Give peace a chance and silence the violence.
RANMA : My boss is dead.  How come only you survived??
BEAN : How come I survived?
RANMA : YEAH, WHY?
BEAN : Because A) I'm the hero and B) you're not.

PERCY : Roadbuster, you postal heathen!  Get out here and pay for
your sins!
BEAN : Not again!
RALLY : Did you pipe sleeping gas into the backseat or something?
BEAN : This running gag is getting on my nerves, how about yours?
RALLY : Do you think the joke will carry us on to another parody
OVA?  Or do you want to end it?
BEAN : Get real!  Total scene rewrites, lame curse words, fourth
wall jokes...

VARIOUS : You gotta keep 'em seperated!
                You gotta keep 'em seperated!
                      You gotta keep 'em seperated!
PERCY : LOUDER!

BEAN : And weird cultural jokes, too... hmmm.  Yeah, maybe it's
best we end it now.