A friend sent this to me and so I pass it along. *giggle*
Laters.
Windlily
(dragoncritterlisteningtotheDragonsdream@theCelestialTemple.com)
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40 THINGS I LEARNED FROM ID4 NEVER KNEW BEFORE
by Dean Kanipe Area 51 Research Center
while viewing the film 'independence say' it became apparent that I was
remarkably uninformed about several things related to Area 51, aliens,
military operations and America in general. below is a quick list of a
few
important things i learned from the film that i never knew before, and a
few
lessons that were inferred from the plot. I wish to thank the creators
of
ID4 for making these facts much clearer to me.
1. aliens like to blow up significant landmarks first. apparently, the
best
way to destroy a city is to positionn your 'death ray' over the most
recognisable building.
2. if alien destroyers come to your city to blast it into oblivion,
leave
BEFORE they fire the 'death ray'.
3. all pro-UFO people are morons who dance atop the building directly
under
the 'death ray'.
4. if alien 'destroyers' come to your city to blast it into oblivion and
you
are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you are
travelling
with a dog and a small child. the law of averages says you'll survive
the
death ray.
5. if alien 'destroyers' come to your city and blast it into oblivion
and
you are are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you are
NOT
a raspy voiced homosexual cable TV executive. the law of averages says
that
you'll get waxed by the death ray.
6. stripping is a lucrative porfession that allows one to 'pay the
bills',
'take care of one's boy' and own a nice house in the middle class
subdivision.
7. stripeers got moxie. when the going gets tough, they can drive
California
highway department utility vehicles, collect refugees and use their
extensive survival skills to provide food and comfort to survivors.
8. NASA sends out rejection letters, just like Harvard.
9. Area 51 is an 'assault base'.
10. a fleet of RVs can travel across the nevada test site in
line-abreast
formation without the need for roads, thanks to the immense expenses of
salt
flats and the lack of impeding mountains.
11. Area 51 has a big chain-link fence around it, and the guards at the
gate
wear black combat fatigues with white metal helmets in 120 degree heat.
12. any bonehead with a RV can get to Area 51 by driving across the salt
flat to the gate and flashing a captured alien to the guard.
13. standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to cluster all
vehicles, aircraft and ground personnel on a 200 meter section of tarmac
in
the middle of an alien invasion.
14. the F-18 is the sole fighter in use by all branches of the service,
including Marines and Air Force.
15. from the assault scenes on the alien 'destroyers' it appears that
the
F-18 must have had a 100 unit production run.
16. both F-18 and B-2s must close within 10km of a target 20km wide
before
engaging with both air-to-air missiles and aerial launched muclear
cruise
missiles.
17. people too drunk to walk can still fly crop dusters and F-18s.
18. any bonehead with rudimentary flight experience can be taught to
pilot a
F-18 in 5 hours.
19. any bondhead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot an alien
fighter in 5 mins.
20. aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet use
flight
yokes just like ours.
21. aliens are wimps, even with 'bio-mechanical' aromour. they have
glass
jaws and can be taken out with a punch by Will Smith ( he has had a lot
of
practice on photographers though).
22. aliens are stupid. when one of their fighters approches the carrier,
they dont bother to communicate with the pilot.
23. aliens are even more stupid. they pursue their targets into canyon
walls
and closing blast doors.
24. aliens are unbelievably stupid. while unarmed and unarmoured, they
do
things to piss off people with hand guns.
25. aliens are just too stupid for words to express. an alien air
traffic
controller can look at a fighter that has been human-modified for 20
mins
and is only 50 feet away and not notice the welded-on missile rack until
the
missile is fired through his work station.
26. aliens are remarkably inarticulate. all they can say is 'release
me',
'no peace', and 'die'.
27. if you're the president and your administration is faltering, an
alien
invasion might be a good way to boost your ratings in the polls.
28. if you are the president and your administration is faltering,
manage to
work into every other sentence that you 'flew in the persian gulf'. no
need
to sepcify what branch of service.
29. if you are the president and your administration is faltering and an
alien invasion occure, relocate the VP, the cabinet and the joint chiefs
to
one centralised location so that the aliens can take them all out with
one
shot. you can always blame the problems of the past on them after
vistory is
achieved.
30. the president's press secretary keeps her cel phone ilsted in the
phone
book 'in case of emergencies.'
31. if your father abandons his jewish faith after the death of your
mother,
always carry around a Torah and a Yarmulke. aliens might attack and
offer
him a chance to renew his faith.
32. if aliens abduct you and effectively destroy your life by making you
the
laughing stock of the community, never fear. when their 'destroyers'
come,
you will be vindicated to those who mocked your fate.
33. if aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you, you can have
revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their death ray.
34. if aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you and you have
revenge upon them by flying a F-18 into their death ray , you will
obtain
redemption and your children will be proud of you.
35.the best way to win back a former wife is to be very annoying, look
perpentually vexed and keep wearing your wedding ring 4 years after the
divorce.
36. in 10 hrs, one man with a Macintosh laptop can code a virus in C++
that
will take down a completely alien computer system.
37. even though a Mac isnt compatible with most other Earthly operating
systems, it can interface with an alien computer.
38. alien network security is nonexistent.
39. rather than attacking a planet when they first encounter it ( ie
1940s)
aliens will wait until the planet has developed just enough technology
to
possibly defend itself.
40. scientists at Area 51 are a bit touched in the head and "dont get
out much".
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and here's my contribution...:)
41. the operating room in Area 51 where scientists are dissecting aliens
have non-bulletproof glass walls.
42. when an alien attempts to take over your mind telepathically, it
will
tell you ALL about itself and it's species.
--------
lai