My second MST3K criticism! <sniff> I love this stuff.
Most of your comments are right on. Like I said, I more-or-less tossed
this story off very quickly. Looking over it later myself, I winced at
a few passages. I do want to rework it, and your comments are very
helpful Only one thing I disagree with:
She considered starting up some of her businesses again. Ranma had been so
profitable. She had actually achieved international distribution with some
of his pictures transferred onto cloth and other things. Ranma was as
beautiful as a woman as he was handsome as a man, and some less-than-virtuous
people would pay a lot to see him in less-than-full attire.
Frito: You said it! But why ain't I been able to find 'em, if she managed
dat?
Windir: Undoubtedly the author was merely exaggerating for humorous
effect. This is fairly common in fanfics, especially Ranma fanfics, where
she is frequently portrayed as being able to do almost *anything*
involving money; I fully expect to see a fanfic one day where she travels
to the U.S. and buys Rockefeller Center from Sony, or whichever Japanese
company owns it at this time. However, in a relatively 'realistic'
fanfic, such as this one, suggesting that she has achieved international
distribution of Ranma NonLicenced Material is rather straining the bounds
of credulity.
Lyra: Not to mention the sentence structure is kinda clunky there. "Some
of his pictures transferred onto cloth and other things?" Why didn't she
just say "She'd actually managed to make some international sales of
Ranma t-shirts, phonecards, and other things."?
Frito: Hey, Nabs can do anythin' she wants! Even talk like Wind-bag, if
it makes her happy!
I hate to tell you, but I'm not exaggerating. The entire thing about
selling pictures of a half-naked Ranma on handkerchiefs and achieving
international distribution is lifted directly from the manga. One of
the least-flattering stories about Nabiki, I might add - it's one of the
ones that she forces Ranma into posing for her - and she's later shown
with an armful of film cartridges.
Thanks for your comments; I'll be leaning heavily on them when I do a
rewrite. And I love your style!
:)