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DnR: Elsworlds;  Ace Ventura, Quest for P-chan Part 1: Allllrighty-then
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[It is a beautiful Sunday at the Maison Sabaku.  The sun is shinningearly
in the morning.  Akane is sitting on the small step at the entrance to the
Maison Sabaku looking listless.  Kazuyo steps out with her broom to do
some sweeping.]

Kazuyo: Oh! Akane! Ohayo, what are you doing out here. 

Akane: oh, Ohayo, Kirinin-san.  I was just thinking. 

Kazuyo: Of what? 

Akane: Of a pet I used to have.  He was a small, black piglet.  He was
like a stray cat, really.  He would wander off, then return.  I haven't
seen him in months. 

Kazuyo: There aren't any pets allowed in here, y'know. 

Akane: Yeah.  But I wish he would come by, though. Its tough never knowing
what happened to him. 

Kazuyo: .... 

Kazuyo: {gets a flash of inspiration}

[Kazuyo walks into the Maison Sabaku and soon returns holding a yellow
buisness card.]

Kazuyo: Dozo {hands buisness card to Akane}

Akane: What's this? 

Kazuyo: He's some kind of private investigatot that specializes with pets. 
Apparently he did something to anger some tribespeople in Africa and he
had to take the first plane to as far away as possible, so he ended up
here.  He was at the market trying to drum up some buisness. 

Akane: Africajin? 

Kazuyo: Actually, he seemed to be an Amerikajin. 

Akane: Hmmm.... 

[Afternoon at the Maison Sabaku.  Ranma was happily trotting home.  He had
finished his back assignments ( well enough to warrent a break) and spent
the day alone training.  Since the battle with that demon guy, he realized
there were still perils to face and, therefore, training to bedone.  And
to top it all off, he had a free lunch curtesy of Hitomi.  He was wearing
work out shorts and a T-shirt.  Ranma had a feeling that nothing could go
wrong today, and maybe because of this, as soon as he opened his door,
something did.]

[Behind the door lay a tall man about six foot.  He wore flamboyant, hiked
up pants and a white undershirt clearly visible under an openHawaiian
shirt.  He was pacing back and forth, scrutenizing the contents of their
appartment.]

[Akane was standing near the doorway, looking dumbfounded at their
visitor]

Ranma: Un... Akane, who is this? 

[Akane turns to answer, but is cut off by the man who rushes over to Ranma
and shakes his hand vigoruosly.]

Man: Hi! I'm Ace Ventura! Pet Detective! 

Ranma: uh, konichiwa... 

Akane: Uh, yeah, Ventura-san is here to help me find P-chan. 

Ranma: P-chan?! 

Ace: That's right! A small veitnamese pot-bellied piglet with an orange
and black patterned bandanna?  Should be Nooooo problem! 

Ranma: Akane, you hired a private investigator?! We're on a budget!  Ace:
Fear not, my pony-tailed friend!  As my first costumers in the land of the
rising sun, I am giving you a free-be, provided you pass on wordof my
incredible skill in the art of observation. {Gives Ranma a fistful of
buisness cards}

Ranma: right... 

Ace: How about a demonstration? 

Ranma and Akane: ?...sure... 

Ace: OK! You are an ailurophobic Anything goes style martial artist
whochanges into a girl when splashed with cold water and has a nil sex
life with his wife. 

Ranma and Akane: [face fault]

Ranma: How... How... did you...

Ace: Ah! You want an explanation....{Takes a DEEP breath...} The moisture
stain above the burner in the kitchen signifying that there is a steaming
kettle there constantly in readyness and I notice you have a non-gender
specific haircut that is totally outdated and absolutely no body hair
what-so-ever to save enbarressment hence you transform and of course the
only place to get a Jusenkyo curse is in the acursed MARTIAL ARTS training
ground and I also notice that all the pictures of cats in your bio book
are marked over with kanji usedo n wards to repel demons and the only way
a martial artist and master of concentration could aquire so ludicrous a
phobia is through the long since banished cat-fu technique exclusive to
the anything goes martial arts stlye and the window is recently replaced
and the tree outside has an imprint of your face on it meaning an argument
broke out between you two and ended in you getting your ass kicked through
that window into that tree where most newlyweds end fights by making up
and doing the horizontal monkey dance... 

*GASP* *GASP* *GASP*

Ranma and Akane: ....... 

Ace: Thats Right! I'm Right! I can tell! Yes! Yes! Yes! {accompanied by
abdominal thrusts} Can you feel that?! Yes! 

Ranma: Are all Amerikajin like you? 

Ace: No.  There are some weirdoes in San Francisco. 

Ranma: Yeah... shouldn't you be leaving now... to find the pig... 

Ace: Alllllrighty-then.  I'm just waiting for my faithful sidekick, Spike. 

Ranma: Spike?  [Just then we here a tiolet flush and a monkey walks out of
the bathroom with a peice of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his paw
and dragging behind him]

Ace: Spike! Your embarassing me!  [A few minutes later we see Ace exiting
the Maison Sabaku and is about to leave down the street when he heres the
click of a camera] [Ace looks around, then stealthly peeks around the
corner of the buiding.  Choji is standing below Room 4's window and is
looking into a camera with a very, very blong lens.  Ranma and Akane are
argueing (duh).  Ace walks up to him and glares at him.  Soon, Choji feels
Ace's eyes on him and looks up]

[Upon seeing Ace, Choji smiles weakly and runs around the corner.]

Ace: {To Spike, who is perched on his right shoulder} Looooouuu--ser. 

[Ace walks down the street of Ranma's old neighbor in Nerima.  He is
carrying a pad with what seems to be a "to-do" list and Spike is following
him]

Ace: Ok, Spike! First we have to survey the area, then we need to
thinklike a pig ( good thing I bought my "Andrew 'Dice' Clay Live" tapes) 
and then we'll make a list of possible suspects....Spike? 

[not hearing a "kikiki" of affirmation, Ace turns around to find a strange
girl dressed in a figure skating outfit and squeezing the life out of
Spike.  She is standing next to a limo with an open door that she
presumably just hopped out of.]

Azusa: Jean Claude! Jean Claude! Oh! You're soooo Kawai! 

Ace: {Snacthing Spike back} Excuse me, my dear near-sighted girl, this is
my associate, Spike, not the mucsles from Brussels! 

[Azusa picks up a nearby mailbox and starts bashing Ace over the head...]

Azusa: Give Azusa back her Jean Claude! Jean Claude! Jean Caude! 

Ace: Thank you, Tanya Harting! 

[With that, Ace runs like hell and disappears around a corner.]

Azusa: *sob!* *sob!* And I so wanted Jean Claude for my collection... 

[She getts back into the limo and it drives away]

Ace: {Memorizing lisence plate from behind the corner} So! She collects
cute animals, Huh?  Spike! I think we have our first suspect! 

Spike: kiki! 

[From the other side of the corner, a man dressed in drag emerges from the
now battered mailbox]

Tsubasa: Urrrgh...Does anybody have an Advil? 

--To be continued

 Copywrites of Ace Ventura belong to Paramount or somebody, I'm not
 fooling anyone.  The rest belong to the Rumiko Takahashi or the Computer
 Knights or something

 Stay tuned for Part 2: Azusa's Kawai Zoo of Death: "Do NOT Go in there!"