Okay... Here's a little something I tossed off when I was bored...
==============================================================================
Clogged Sink Press Presents:
Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction -
Another Kidnap?! Come On?!
[By:Plunger]
All characters copyright of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan Inc. and Viz
Communications Inc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah...
Note: While this is a satire, it is not meant to offend anyone. I have
great respect for all fanfic writers and this is not an insult.
(well.. Okay... It's an insult to your intelligence...)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[Story begins...]
[Scene opens on a darkened room. On the floor is a pile of comics ranging
from X-Men to Bone to Ranma 1/2. Oddly, one of the comics is shuffling about
on the floor. After a moment, the cover flips open and a three inch tall man
with a long black cloak leaps out. He is wearing an extatic expression.]
Man: Ha! At last! Finally! I'm free! Free! Free! Do you hear me?!
[There is no decernable response, nor does he appear to expect one. He hops
off the comic and looks around.]
Man: After 30 years of trying to escape from the Marvel universe, I'm finally
free! Now I can conquer the real world. Hahahahahahahahaha!
[He laughs so hard that he falls over backwards. He lands on an open Ranma
manga and disapears into the page. The manga slams shut. It shakes for a
moment and then the man's voice is heard.]
Man: Hmm... Guess this'll slow down my plans for world domination...
Plunger Presents:
A Gratuatous Ranma 1/2 Akane Kidnap Story.
By: Plunger
Thanks to: Anyone unfortunate enough to read this.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
[Scene pans down on Nerima, Japan. It is a sunny day and everything seems
right in the world. In a shadowy alley, there is a puff of smoke and the man
in the black cape appears. He coughs for a moment and then dusts himself off
and looks around.]
Man: Hmph! What universe am I in now?
[He reaches into a garbage bin and pulls out a think sheaf of paper. On the
cover are the words: Ranma Nibun no Ichi: Script.]
Man: Righto... Let's see... Do they need a good villain here? Maybe I can get
a regular slot...
[He rapidly reads through the script and then slams it shut.]
Man: Hah! This will be easy! I will just conquer this universe! Hmm... How do
I do it? I know! I'll read the script. That always says what will happen
next.
Man: (reading) How to conquer the Ranma 1/2 universe.... In order to conquer
this universe, you must kidnap Akane Tendou and defeat Ranma Saotome in
martial arts combat.
Man: How odd... I wonder why...
Man: (reading) This must occur because the stability of the genre will be
upset by any invasions or conquests that do not rehash old stories.
Man: Darn. Oh, well... I don't want to ruin this like I did the DC universe.
Stupid Crisis on Inifinite Earths... Bleugh! Prepare yourself, Ranma
Saotome! I, the Generic Cloaked Villain, am coming for your... (stops to
read a bit) Fiancee!
Generic Cloaked Villain: (tosses script away) Ha. I'm getting the hang of this
already!
[Meanwhile, in a other part of Nerima, Ranma Saotome is doing battle with
another overdressed figure with similar plans.]
Kunou: Prepare yourself! Saotome Ranma! I, Tatewalk Kunou am coming for you!
Ranma: I don't think so Kunou. You've tried to beat me 47,368 times and you've
yet to score a win. Something tells me your luck's not about to change.
[Kunou rushes at Ranma, who steps the side and kicks Kunou away. Kunou goes
flying and lands in a shrub some distance away. Ranma snorts and walks off
wearing a satisifed expression.]
[A moment later, GCV climbs over the wall of Furinkan and slinks over to the
bush where Kunou is lying. He reaches in and pulls Kunou out by the collar.]
GCV: Oi. Wake up! I need your help.
Kunou: (groans) Who are you?
GCV: (proudly) I am the Generic Cloaked Villain.
Kunou: Cloaks are out of season.
GCV: (annoyed) You're wearing a dress and you're giving me fashion tips?
Listen, your ladyship, I need your help and from the look of things, you
sure as hell need me.
Kunou: What do you want?
GCV: I want you to help me conquer the world and take Akane Tendou away from
Ranma Saotome.
Kunou: You want to what?!
GCV: Are you hard of hearing?
Kunou: No! I mean about taking TENDOU AKANE away from Ranma?!
GCV: Yep. Apparently that's the way to conquer this world. Still don't know
why, mind you...
Kunou: I accept. I will aid you.
GCV: Good. Get in this cake.
[GCV produces a large birthday cake and shoves Kunou into it.]
Kunou: (from in cake) Why am I in here?
GCV: It's for your special surprise ending.
Kunou: Oh... Very well... I shall jump out of the cake.
GCV: Good. Only do it when I tell you to, okay?
Kunou: Very good. Jump out on command... Got it.
[GCV stuff the cake away and runs off. A while later, he is sitting in an
empty lot with a phone booth, a mass of bed sheets, a lot of rope, a camp
stove, a witches hat and half a packet of stale crackers.]
[Some time later, he steps back and smiles. Before him stands what looks like
a cross between the phone booth from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and
the balloon from Waterworld.]
GCV: HAH! My vehicle of conquest awaits!
[He dons the witches hat, then, disliking the feel, tosses it aside and
finishes the pack of crackers.]
GCV: Gotta have energy for a fight.
[Back at the doujou, Ranma and Akane have arrived home and for some
inexplicable form of anime coincidence, every other major character (barring
Kunou) is there also.]
Ranma: What are you guys all here?
Ryouga: We're needed in the background for the next bit.
Ranma: Fair enough.
[Suddenly a large shadow falls over them. They look up to see a phone booth
hanging below a hot air balloon. It is possible to see a black clad figure
inside.]
Genma: What on earth...
Kasumi: Bloody oath!
[Everyone stares as the flying telephone booth lands. They gape as the doors
open and a large man in a long flowing black cape steps out. His cape gets
caught and tears on the door, much to his annoyance.]
GCV: (mutters) Damned folding doors...
Ranma: Who are you?
GCV: (tugging at cape) Just a 'sec!
[He finally pulls himself free and surveys his surroundings.]
GCV: Right... Now... Where was I?
Ranma: I was asking you who you are!
GCV: And what did I say?
Ranma: You haven't answered yet!
GCV: Oh... Well... I guess I'd better introduce myself.
Ranma: Feel free...
GCV: Very well. I am the Generic Cloaked Villain!
Akane: Isn't that a little passe?
GCV: (worried) Do you think so?
Ranma: Sure. If you want to sound good around here you need to have an Anime
name.
GCV: I do? Okay. How about... The GEneric Cloaked Anime Villain?
Ranma: What's the capital E for?
GCAV: The writer can't type. What about the name?
Ranma: What do you think, Akane?
Akane: Me? I think it's pretty unimaginative... But we haven't got time to
worry about that now... Let's just get on with the plot... Such as it
is...
Ranma: Good point. (to GCV) Okay. The name passes. You can make your ultimatum
now.
GCV: I can? Great! Hahahahahaha! Now- (stops)
Ranma: Well?
GCV: Er... I forgot my lines... Hold on...
[GCV runs back to his phone booth and pulls out a script. He reads it for a
moment, then hits himself in the head and comes back.]
GCV: Okay. I've got it now... Where was I?
Ranma: You'd just finished laughing maniacly.
GCV: Was it a good laugh?
Ranma: It'll do. I've heard better, though...
GCV: Hm... Maybe I can practice for the finale...
Ranma: Come on! This is taking too long.
GCV: Sorry. Okay... Here I go... NOW! I SHALL CRUSH YOU AND TAKE YOUR FIANCEE
FROM YOU! THEN I SHALL CONQUER THE WORLD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ranma: You'll have to go through me to get Akane!
Akane: That's right. You'll have to go through him to get me!
GCV: Very well... I shall!
[Ranma barley dives to the side as GCV crashes into the ground where he was
standing. There a great cloud of dust and the sound of coughing.]
GCV: Gah! Why couldn't a stunt man do this?!
Ranma: Hey! Get with the program! We're fighting!
GCV: I know that! Say... Do you know why I have to kidnap Akane Tendou?
Ranma & Akane: That's TENDOU AKANE!
GCV: Whatever... Do you know?
Ranma: No! Every two bit villain who comes here tries to take her! Why are
you kidnapping her?!
GCV: I haven't kidnapped her yet! Besides... (shrugs) When in Rome...
Ranma: That's stupid!
GCV: So's this whole plot!
Ranma: Bah! Who cares! It's fight time!
[Akane picks up a portable stereo and presses play. Instantly, the Ranma
fighting music starts and the background around Ranma and GCV go all blurry.]
GCV: Hey... That's a cool effect!
Ranma: You get used to it! Now fight!
GCV: Okay, okay... Sheez... Talk about demanding!
[Ranma and GCV go at it hammer and tongs for howeverlong you've got to imagine
what it's like. Finally, GCV shoots Ranma with a fireball.]
GCV: HADOKEN!
Ranma: (stunned) Where'd you learn that?
GCV: Some karate guy in another universe...
Ranma: Uh... It hurt.
GCV: Good. Give up?
Ranma: For now. I'll be back later to defeat you with a new technique.
GCV: Fair enough. Can I take Akane Tendou now?
Everyone: That's TENDOU AKANE!!
GCV: Whatever...
Ranma: Go ahead.
Akane: Ranma! You can't let him take me like that!
Ranma: Yes, I can. It's in the story. Don't worry, though. I'll come
rescue you a bit later.
Akane: Oh... Okay... See you later...
Ranma: Later.
GCV: Finished?
Ranma: (nods) Uh huh.
GCV: Good!
[He waks Akane over the head and walks off to his phone booth, only to find it
is too small for him and Akane. Finally he manages to squeeze them both in.]
GCV: Stupid budget villain gimicks! Gah! Why couldn't I get a decent vehicle?!
Ranma: We spent the budget on special effects.
GCV: We did? When?
Ranma: Just before? Remember the fireball?
GCV: Really? Couldn't we have used some strong grog and a match?
Ranma: Guess not... Now get going! You'll ruin the suspense otherwise.
Akane: (wakes up) I think it's a little too late for that.
GCV: You're right.
[The phone booth slowly rises as GCV pulls on the cord to heat the air in the
ballon. GCV gets on his exercise bike and pedals furiously, causing the
propeller on the back to start turning eractily.]
GCV: HAHAHAHA! You will never see her again!!
Ranma: I ain't that lucky.
[Ranma notices the camera is on him.]
Ranma: Oh, yeah... (anguished cry) AKANEEEEE!!
[He looks defiant for a moment then scratches his head a little.]
[As GCV flies away, Genma, Souun, Nabiki, Kasumi, Ryouga, Mousse, Shampoo and
Ukyou all come out of the woodwork.]
Ranma: Where were you guys when I was fighting?! I could have used some help!
Souun: Sorry, Ranma. We couldn't help you there. After all, the plot, and our
contracts, require Akane to be kidnapped. (suddenly changes) Oh woe!
My daughter is gone?! What shall I do?!
Nabiki: Why not wait 'til Ranma rescues her?
Souun: That's a good idea. No point in getting worked up over nothing.
Ranma: Hey! Who says I'm rescuing her?!
Kasumi: You did, Ranma. And besides... You're the hero.
Ranma: Oh, yeah... I am, too... Okay... Now... Where is he, I wonder...
Ukyou: Probably in a castle on an unnaturally shaped mountain miles fom here.
Shampoo: You been there already?
Ukyou: Yep. I read the script ahead of time.
Ranma: Do we win?
Ukyou : Of course we do. We always win!
Mousse: Funny that...
Ranma: Yeah... After 143 episodes, 14 OAV's and three movies, you'd think our
luck would have run out...
Genma: Enough procrastinating, boy. Go and save your fiancee!
Ranma: Yeah. I suppose I'd better. Who wants to come too?
Everyone: We all do!
Ranma: Well... Then let's all get in an impossibly small boat and row to a
place we don't know about and fight a foe we don't know how to beat.
Genma: Souunds like a plan to me!
Souun: Yes... But you're not noted for your plans either, Saotome-kun.
[Everyone rushes off and they are soon out on the ocean wave.]
Ranma: How are we going?
Mousse: My arms are tired!
Ranma: Why are you holding them up?
Mousse: I don't know... It said to improvise in the script.
Ranma: Fair enough. What about you, Ryouga?
Ryouga: Curse you, Ranma! If we weren't on this boat I'd spout a load of
venomous rhetoric and then attack you!
Ranma: So what's stopping you?
Ryouga: Do you think I want to be P-chan out here?
Ranma: No. You only seem to do that in Akane's bedroom.
Ryouga: Shut up...
[Ranma moves on, speaking to each member of his pirate crew. Fortunatly, they
do not sing any songs from the Pirates of Penzance or HMAS Pinafore. Thank
goodness for small blessings!]
[Meanwhile, in GCV's ramshackle castle, Akane is tied to a chair and is
glaring daggers at GCV.]
GCV: Would you stop with the daggers?! Do you know how much this cape cost?!
Akane: I don't care! It looks like a stage curtain, anyway!
GCV: Actually... It is a stage curtain. I stole it from a guy in the Image
universe... Odd chap... Had a shoe lace in his face... Kept rabbiting
on about the devil...
Akane: Why are you holding me hostage?
GCV: That's easy! I want to conquer this world. The script says that in order
to do that, I have to kidnap you and beat Ranma in a fight.
Akane: (dubious) Why?
GCV: (shrugs) Search me. I've spent this entire thing trying to work that out.
I think it's just the way of the genre...
Akane: Great... I've been typecast!
GCV: HEY! Don't complain! At least you got a proper name!
Akane: Bah! When Ranma gets here he'll finish you off!
GCV: (sad) I know... It's a pity... Being the villain is so much fun. It's
no fun losing all the time, though...
Akane: Hey.. Don't be sad. If you untie me, I'll cheer you up.
GCV: (teary) You will?
Akane: (nods kawaiily) Un.
GCV: Okay...
[In the period of time when no-one was watching them, Ranma and the others
have arrived at the mountain. It is tall and clouded by cloud and misted by
mist. Funnily enough, it is shaped like a big ugly head.]
Ranma: Well I'll be... It is an improbable shape.
Ukyou: See?
Genma: Er... You lead, Ranma.
Ranma: Gee... Thanks...
Souun: You know the way, Ranma. Hero's always go first.
Ranma: So what are you?
Souun: (rolls on the ground with a ball) I'm a cuddly panda!
Genma: Hey! That's my line!
Ranma: (rolls his eyes) Come on!
[Ranma and the others head up the mountain, beating a series of
inconsequential minions as they go.]
[Back in the castle, the sound of hammering can be heard.]
Akane: Bakabakabakabakabakabakabakabakabakabakabakabakabakabakabaka!
[GCV looks like he's been hit with a large mallet about 2700 times. In fact,
he has been hit with a large mallet about 2700 times.]
GCV: Ow... That's a bit harsh...
Akane: It serves you right for being guillable!
GCV: You're right... Still. If you escape by yourself, Ranma can't rescue you!
Akane: That's true. I like being rescued.
GCV: (dubious) You do?
Akane: Uh huh. Ranma only says anything nice about me when I'm in danger.
GCV: He does, huh?
[Akane sits in the chair and reties herself.]
Akane: There. Now Ranma can come and save his damsel in distress! Bleugh!
What a crummy gig!
GCV: Good, good. Stay there. There's hope for this yet.
Akane: Not much... At least it's nearly over...
[Suddenly the doors bursts open and Ranma barges in.]
Ranma: Supreme! No pepperoni, right?!
GCV: That's mine!
[Ranma walks over and GCV suddenly notices there's no pizza box.]
GCV: Hey! Where's the pizza?
Ranma: There isn't one!
[Ranma pulls back his fist and slams it into GCV's face. GCv goes reeling and
slides across the floor. He gets up, looking stunned, just as Ranma flying
kicks him in the head. He goes flying into the wall and collapses.]
GCV: Oooh! It's time for my super attack! Devils Rising Super Bouncy Exploding
Lightening Fire Battery-Operated Mega Blasting Death Prod!
[GCV pokes out his hand but nothing happens.]
GCV: Darn... The batteries are flat...
[Ranma rolls his eyes and uppercuts GCV across the room.]
Ranma: Villain no bakayarou!
GCV: Uncle, uncle!
Ranma: Hey! I haven't done my special attack yet!
GCV: Sorry.... Carry on.
Ranma: Right! HIRYUUSHOUTENHA!
[A great spiral of wind wirls around the room and rumples everyones clothes.]
GCV: Finished?
Ranma: Yep. And so are you!
GCV: I know... It's so sad... I always lose... (looks at rumpled cape) And
this will need dry cleaning...
Ranma: Don't worry. Everyone loses to me!
[At this moment, everyone else runs in.]
Ranma: You guys have great timing!
Ryouga: Of course. Why should we mess up our clothes when we can leave it to
you!
Ranma: Teme... You can iron my shirt for that!
Souun: Ahem... Maybe you should free Akane?
Ranma: Huh?
[Ranma looks over at Akane and sees that she looks annoyed. He goes over and
tears the ropes off her.]
Ranma: Sorry about that.
Akane: No, no... It's fine... Just get to me when you feel like...
Ranma: Are you mad?
Akane: Me? No.
Ranma: You sure?
Akane: Yes.
Ranma: Well... Let's go home...
[Ranma turns to the others.]
Ranma: You guys want any more lines?
Genma: No.
Souun: I'm fine.
Shampoo: Shampoo can't even talk proper.
Mousse: I didn't get a first line, did I?
Ryouga: Curse you, Ranma!
Ukyou: We can talk in your bed, Ran-chan...
[Ranma grins at the last.]
Ranma: Right. I guess that's it, then...
GCV: (petulantly) Hold it! I've had enough! I want to why the hell I had to
do all this! What makes AKANE TENDOU so damned important, eh?! I could
have conquered this world if it weren't for you lot!
Ranma: That's true... Why is TENDOU AKANE so important?
[Everyone turns to look at Akane, who has been rather quiet.]
[Akane tears her face off to reveal that she is in fact...]
Everyone: (GASP) RUMIKO TAKAHASHI?!
Takahashi: That's right. I've been monitoring you all from here for most of
this story. You are so dense!
Ranma: Why?
Takahashi: I wanted to see how you react to bad fanfic.
Ranma: And?
Takahashi: You don't... React, that is...
GCV: (flustered) What about me? Where do I fit in to all this?
Takahashi: You don't. Go back to Marvel.
GCV: I can't do that! I'm not Rob Liefeld!
Takahashi: Tough!
GCV: But... This isn't fair... (sulks)
Ranma: Er... Where does this leave me... Don't we sort of not have a plot
anymore? With no Akane and all...
Takahashi: Certainly not. I created many annoying and seemingly useless
sidetracks. Now's our chance to use them.
Ranma: But... I... I love Akane! I want her back!
Takahashi: You do? Oh, right... You do... I forgot... Damn... I never should
have played Shinnosuke myself... I keep forgetting things...
Ranma: (coughs) Ahem...
Takahashi: Hm? Oh! Yeah... Sorry...
[Rumiko Takahashi clicks her fingers and disapears, only to be replaced by
the real Akane. Ranma runs over and hugs her tightly.]
Ranma: Akane! You're back!
Akane: I sure am... Though I don't know why Rumiko-san wanted to take my place
for this... I wouldn't mind her job if she wants a swap...
Ranma: Whatever... I just glad you're back... I love you, Akane...
Akane: (stunned) Hontou?!
Ranma: Well... Not really... It's just that these things always have a happy
ending and I thought I'd better keep with the pattern.
Akane: Grr... RANMA NO BAKA!
[WHAM! Akane hits him skyward.]
Ranma: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
GCV: (get an idea) I'm not foiled yet! KUNOU!
[Everyone stares as Kunou leaps out of a large birthday cake in the middle of
the room.]
Akane: Oh... That's what it was for...
Kunou: NOW! I shall rule all!
GCV: Don't bother... We lost...
Kunou: But I didn't get to do anything!
GCV: That's the way it goes when you're an also-ran.
Kunou: Curses. Surely I was destined for a bigger role.
Akane: Shut up.
[Akane mallets him into the floor.]
GCV: What did you do that for?
Akane: My contract requires me to hit Kunou in every story.
GCV: Fair enough...
Ranma: (walks in looking bruised) Are we done?
Akane: Yes. Let's go home.
Ranma: Gladly...
[Everyone walks out, leaving GCV all alone...]
GCV: (sigh) I guess it's back to one issue appearances in little known Marvel
titles again...
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- Fin -
Wahahaha! Isn't this AWFUL?! I had to post it cause it's SO bad! Don't bother
flaming me for this. It's not worth the effort!
plunger@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au
And remember... If someone, somewhere, laughed just once... Then it's all
been...a complete waste of time....