Sebastian Weinberg writes:
The view fades in on a large room...
Ooh! Ooh! It's been my life-long dream to have someone do
one of these to my fics! Thank you!
thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
: "Not me, idiot. I could care less about what you're feeling."
Angus: I thot that the saying goes "I *couldn't* care less."
I mean, if she says she *could*, that means she does care,
right?
Ooh, you're right. Gotta fix this.
: He also had an ego the size of a small planet.
Angus: Just a *small* planet?
Hehe. Good point. :)
: Ranma's jaw dropped open. "Kasumi?!"
:
: Kasumi stepped daintily out of Nabiki's room, not looking the
: least bit embarrassed. "It's so good to see you and Akane getting
: along so well. Don't get too carried away, though, you're not
: married yet."
Sebastian: [smiling] Yes, comic relief is *most* welcome
after scenes like this. He does this a few times more,
but not often enough for my taste.
The problem I have is that comedy is the weakest part of my
writing abilities. I see people like you and Robert Orick,
where comedy just flows from your metaphorical pens. I have
to work *hard* at the funny bits, and they don't always work
out. My brain just doesn't work that way. :)
: Ranma shifted his gaze to Kasumi, his cold expression not
: changing. As Kasumi continued to smile at him, though, it started
: to melt. Finally, he looked almost sheepish as he said. "Yeah,
: that'll be nice. Kasumi, can I talk to Ukyo for a second?"
Sebastian: It seems that Kasumi is master in her own technique -
Martial Arts Niceness.
More hehe.
Angus: That's a fighting style? What does she do when someone
hits her?
Sebastian: She'd say "ow" and the opponent's heart breaks. Of
course, nobody would hit Kasumi in the first place.
And again hehe. We should do a 'fic together. You do the comedy
bits, I'll do the melodramatic bits, and we'll see what springs
up. (Trying to think of a funny line to add here, but my mind
is blank. Did I mention I have a weakness as a writer in this
area?)
Sebastian: The trick is to keep it completely closed - if a
single bubble of air gets into the glass, everything
collapses and the water gushes out. Ranma just inserted
that bubble into the glass of Ukyou's mind. Richard uses
this kind of key realization, that opens the doors of
denial, quite often. He does it with Shampoo, too, and even
Ryouga has his own epiphany. He compares it to a cramped
muscle, finally releasing tension, there.
This is a *very* good analogy. I'll have to keep it in mind - it
helps to have visualizations like this when writing.
Angus: But she still calls him "Kunou-baby".
Sebastian: Well, nobody is perfect. Allow Richard some slips,
will you?
This is a personal preference. My introduction to Ranma came in
two parts. One was volume one of the first TV series, dubbed.
The second was the first movie, dubbed. The lines that go:
"I, Tatewaki Kuno, offer my unconditional assistance!"
"Hey Kuno-baby, the door?"
"Be silent woman!"
had me in tears. I had to stop the tape and spend a couple of
minutes recovering. You'll find the "unconditional assistance"
line in that chapter, a tribute to this bit.
This scene affected me in one other way: in my mind, Tatewaki
is "Kuno-baby" to Nabiki. Yes, it's disrespectful, and if I'm
going to be consistent, I should really have it be "Kuno-chan".
I can't help it. I do have her go back and forth between
calling him "Tatewaki-kun" and "Kuno-baby", the first when
she means to be endearing, the second when she's annoyed or
in a playful mood. I have been told this isn't entirely
correct usage of "-kun" and "-chan"; again, I can't help it.
It's the way *I* like to use them. :)
: Kodachi's voice was on the ragged edge; she was practically
: screaming. "If she believed in such things, why did she kill
: herself? Only to prove them for the lies that they were!"
Sebastian: Here's something that I noticed in another of
Richard's fanfics, namely the treatment of suicide. Japan
has a long tradition incorporating ritual suicide, and the
entire cultural connotations of the act are different from
ours.
Angus: I don't think it's easier to commit suicide, even in a
different cultural background.
Sebastian: That's not what I meant.=A0 It's always hard to overcome
one's self preservation instinct, and it's always hard on
the loved ones, but the entire cultural baggage attached to
it is different. Over here, suicide is the ultimate no-no,
a damning offense, a rebellion against the orders of heaven
and nature, in short: something dishonourable. In Japan
it's not. Kodachi would certainly be traumatized by the
death of her mother, but her reasoning in this scene is more
western than Japanese.
Other people have commented on this as well. It's again something I
can't help; I just can't imagine someone going "Oh, she killed
herself, how honorable. Are we doing lunch?" I'm exaggerating for
effect, I know, but I can't help that feel that suicide is a bad
thing, no matter where you're born. I acknowledge that this may
be a cultural bias on my part. I sometimes wonder if the reverse
isn't true, however: we *perceive* suicide in Japan to be less
onerous than it is here; I wonder if that's really the case. I'd
sure like to find someone who was raised in Japan who could speak to
this.
: Nabiki watched Tatewaki closely. His face was carefully neutral.
: "I have arranged to have her taken to a private hospital.
Sebastian: *I* thought the solution was pretty good. I *do*
agree, though, that she would deserve some further treatment
in the story, like the others get at the end.
One of the ideas that's been percolating in my brain is seeing
how Kodachi is doing in that hospital. What's been stopping me
from pursuing it is: a) I don't know much about mental hospitals;
I'd have to do a lot of research. b) I don't much like Kodachi.
:) It also explains why Happosai never makes an appearance in
any of my fanfics; I simply can't stand him, and wish that
Takahashi-sensei had never introduced him. Although my reaction
to Kodachi isn't that strong, she still annoys the heck out of
me. Another personal bias. :)
: Akane sighed. She wasn't a great listener, she knew that. Her
: biggest fault was that she would assume too much, too quickly, and
: not let anyone tell her otherwise. There may have been times when
: Ranma had been trying to tell her something of how he felt, and
: she hadn't given him a fair chance to express it.
Sebastian: Yes, that's something that had to be said. Ranma may
be a jerk, but Akane doesn't very often give him a chance
when he tries not to be. I think this passage is new,
though. There was not much soul-searching on Akane's part
that I remember from the first time this was posted.
You can credit this to Zen. He pointed out that I was entirely
too hard on Ranma, when Akane did her fair share to sabotage
their relationship. I went back and added bits like this to
balance it out.
: Ranma entered the dojo, his heart hammering. He had done some very
: scary things this afternoon with Nabiki, an experience he would as
: soon forget.
Angus: Will we ever learn what they were? We saw him go to
Nabiki after his argument with Akane, and now there's this
comment. What's behind this?
Uh, it was supposed to be that he and Nabiki went out to get an
engagement ring. Obviously he couldn't afford it himself, so
he needed her financial backing, as well as her ability to find
him a good deal, and to find a ring in good taste. I left it
very vague, of course, so as not to spoil the surprise. Should
I have explained this a little more afterwards? Maybe a scene
where Ranma thanks Nabiki for her help?
: With a start, Genma realized it was up to him to bring some order
: to this bunch. Part of him wished for a bucket of cold water:
: pandas couldn't talk, and wouldn't be expected to take charge of
: the situation. He beat that part of his mind down; pandas also
: don't have wives.
Sebastian: I'm not sure what he means by that last part. Does he
decide so out of *fear* of his wife, or does he do so to
prove himself worthy of her.
Angus: I think it's the second.
Er, you're right, it was the second. And you're right, this isn't
entirely clear. I'll have to think of a way to spell this out a
little.
Sebastian: Oh, yes, thanks for reminding me, Jennnifur. There's
a little problem I have with Shampoo's diction. Shampoo's
"Bimbo speak" is a result of her unfamiliarity with the
language (in dubio pro reo) but Richard often has her use
some expressions and constructions that are pretty
indigenous to the language and not normally known to
beginners like Shampoo. Sometimes her sentences are just
normal sentences with the verb transformed to the infinitive
form. I just thought I'd mention it.
I actually noticed this when I was writing "The Ways of the Amazons."
I went back and looked at my other fanfics, and saw it there as well.
The problem is that I want Shampoo to say some very important things,
and I don't want the meaning to be lost too much in trying to keep
her speech in character. Writing serious Shampoo is hard work! :)
: Ranma drew in a breath. "Shampoo! Mousse! Form a triangle. We'll
: keep our backs to each other. Don't let them draw you away. If
: they surround you, you're done for. Wait for them to attack.
: You're each responsible for an arc of 120 degrees, which is about
: your field of vision looking straight ahead. Don't go for an enemy
: outside your arc, you'll just leave yourself open elsewhere. We
: gotta trust each other. Don't hold back; these folks are already
: dead."
Sebastian: Ah, I dunno. Ranma isn't stupid, just not very well
educated. I'm sure he could come up with this plan, but he
wouldn't use this vocabulary - talking about arcs and
degrees. I guess he wouldn't know how many degrees a third
of a full circle is, anyway.
Here I have to disagree with you, Sebastian. Anyone who's made it
as far as their junior year in high school will know that a circle
has 360 degrees. I also think it's highly applicable to martial
arts (notice that I said "I think"; not being a practioner, I don't
know for sure). So having Ranma know about arcs and degrees isn't
too much out of character, IMO.
One of my biggest problems as a writer is that I tend to have
my character talk the way I talk. I try to have Ranma speak
crudely ("You don't know nothing.") One in a while I slip, and
you're right, that paragraph is a bit well-structured for Ranma.
In my mind, when the fight is on, he adopts a more "serious"
way of talking. That may be a rationalization. :)
: The other women never really had a chance.
Sebastian: I see that you revised the ending that you didn't
like. It's very good.
Yes, it is, and full marks to White Wolf for providing it to
me.
: He was in the middle of a street. Some people were looking at him
: strangely, but he was used to it. He looked around, hoping to find
: some place familiar. The restaurant across the street looked
: familiar, but it was named "Ukyo's". Obviously not "Ucchan's",
: which was too bad. He could usually get a free okonomiyaki or two
: out of Ukyo.
Angus: Huh, that's news to me.
Sebastian: I don't think that Ukyou and Ryouga like - or even
know - each other that well.
Remember that they teamed up to try to get Ryoga and Akane
together. They spent at least one planning session at Ucchan's.
I kinda extrapolated at least a bit of a friendship between
the two, even if their plans went awry.
: Kasumi looked down. "I told him my family needed me too much. They
: depended on me for so much; I couldn't leave them. He understood."
Angus: Whoa! Major retcon!
Sebastian: This is the point where I think Richard is most out of
phase with the manga. Even if you accept that Kasumi is not
really oblivious, I strongly doubt that she would have
talked about this with Toufuu-sensei.
Angus: It's not as if he plays any role in the manga after the
first few volumes.
The above was based on my very first fanfic, "Heart of the Home."
In it, I have a scene that occurs at the tail-end of Tofu's
mother's visit. Remember, at this point Tofu's mother has
given implicit approval to Kasumi as a bride. In the anime,
Tofu and Kasumi walk off together while Tofu's mother stays to
talk to Akane for a while. When Tofu's mother runs to catch up
with them, we see Tofu and Kasumi in the distance, standing
still, facing each other, looking into each other's eyes.
So I wrote a conversation that takes place during their walk
together, which ends with them looking at each other like that.
Kasumi realizes that they are on the verge of admitting to a
future together, and she forestalls Tofu with talk of how
much her family needs her. Tofu understands, but Kasumi
leaves him with a glimmer of hope: "Someday. I promise."
This kinda ties in with why we don't see Tofu after that;
he's waiting for things to settle down in the Tendo family
before he can hope to pry Kasumi away from them.
Again, this is why I mentioned that reading "Heart of the
Home" would help readers understand some of the things
that happen in "Thy Inward Love". I agree it does sound
like major retcon if you haven't read HotH.
: She smiled, a good, wide smile that was not calculated to cheer
: anyone up, or to deflect their anger, or to comfort them during
: their troubles. Rather, it was a smile that reflected how happy
: she was.
Sebastian: Bzzzt! This is where we part company, Richard. While
I share the view that Kasumi is a lot more aware of what is
going on than she lets on, I don't believe for a minute that
her cheerfulness and smiles are just dishonest, calculated
gestures. She *uses* her niceness to cheer up others, but
it is nevertheless real and springs from her heart.
Hmm. You may be right. My idea was that, for the first time in
a long time, Kasumi was thinking of her happiness rather than
the happiness of others. The execution of the idead wasn't good.
I'll have to see about rewriting this.
: Ranma looked down, this time in shame. "I haven't told you about
: the curse."
: Akane's voice sounded puzzled. "What do you mean? I know all about
: the curse."
: Ranma fidgeted. "Not all of it."
Angus: I smell another retcon coming.
Sebastian: Yes, but a pretty ingenious one. By declaring Ranma's
inability to acquire a cure *part* of his curse, a lot of
logical holes are closed. Now it all makes sense.
I just had to add this. (The idea was drawn from Piers Anthony's
Bink character in the "Xanth" novels. Bink has a magical power:
he can't be harmed by magic. So when some magic tries to hurt
him, inexplicable things happen.) The biggest, unanswerable
question is: why didn't Ranma, Genma and Ryoga just jump in the
Nannichuan while they were still in China? Or Mousse, for
that matter? Why didn't Shampoo find the Nyaanichuan? The real
reason, of course, is that you wouldn't have a story if they
did. But there was no logical reason behind it, and it's the
one thing that's bothered me the most about Ranma 1/2. So I
added the second part to the curse. Takahashi-sensei
unwittingly supports this theory very well by having strange
things happen to Ranma when he gets close to a cure. Obviously,
the magic isn't ready to let go of him. :)
: She had brought him tea and buns. What's more, she had bundled
: herself up and seemed ready and willing to stay with him as long
: as he wanted her company. She hadn't yelled at him, hadn't called
: him an idiot for refusing to bow to Happosai. She had just seen
: that he was in trouble, and had offered her help.
: Ranma wasn't entirely sure, but he thought that was the moment he
: fell in love with her.
Sebastian: That's pretty late, don't you think? There are *lots*
of instances where their love showed through, before this.
Jennifur: Myow.
Sebastian: [slaps his forehead] Duh! Right! This is *Ranma's*
estimate of the time when it happened. Of course that's
different from when *we* realized it.
:) Actually, the reason I added this bit was that I just got
Volume six of the translated manga. Since it was all about
Happosai, I didn't get much out of it. The scene I described
above, though, really touched me. Akane, just being nice!
For no reason!! I still turn to that page of the volume,
just so I can look at Akane Being Nice. I decided that if
it could affect me that much, it could certainly affect Ranma
more. :)
: She couldn't contain it any more. "RYOGA NO BAKA!" She hit him as
: hard as she had ever hit anyone or anything in her life. Ryoga
: went flying up and away. He hit the top of a telephone pole not
: too far away.
Angus: That's not very far away, then. She's hit others clear
across town, so if this was harder than ever before, he
should be halfway to Jupiter.
Sebastian: Ah, but then this fanfic is much more rooted in
reality than the manga. This one I could almost imagine as
a movie with real actors. And for real life that kind of
punch is truly impressive.
I'm *very* glad someone noticed that. There are several times
that I toned down stuff from the manga (and some times that I
didn't). The first time was, in Akane's room, she was going
to mention how Ranma saved the bird-people of Jusendo. I
looked at it, and it struck me as very silly to mention
"bird-people" in a scene as serious as the one I was writing.
So I changed it to "people". But it did begin a trend where
I de-emphasize some of the extremes of the manga, trying to
make a more "realistic" setting.
: The cask hit the ground and burst, sending water flying
: everywhere. The umbrella bounced in front of Akane, opening and
: protecting her from the spray.
Angus, Jennifur & Sebastian: Phew!
As a side note, when I mentioned at the end of part nine how
I wasn't sure how I was going to end the story, Kun-chan
wrote me an email suggesting Akane get splashed by the water.
Little did she realize that I was writing the above scene.
So I sent her an email saying "Hey! No peeking!" She sent
back a laughing email, wondering if Ranma and Akane could
get pregnant together. :)
: Ranma wanted to get married.
: And oh God she wanted to also.
Another story about that last line; I spent a lot of time
trying to find another way to phrase it, since it had
never been shown in the manga that the Tendo's were of
a religion that believed in God. I finally left it as
it was, because, for a Western audience such as mine,
it got the meaning and the feelings across, even if it
might have been, stictly speaking, OOC for Akane. A lot
of fanfics are like that, of course, since we're using
Western perspectives to write about characters who are
Japanese.
Sebastian: [dabs at his eyes] Perfect. That whole internal
dialogue with the ever returning mantra "Ranma wanted to get
married" was perfect. No other word for it.
Jennifur: Myow.
Sebastian: All right, except that.
:) Laughing yet again. You're good at that.
Sebastian: Th-This marks the end of my longest C&C to date.
And I super-appreciate it. You made some good points, and
some wonderful analysis that perfectly reflected a lot of
what I was writing about. Thanks ever so much for taking
the time to do this; it really means a lot to me.
:)