From: Brett Handy, darkwnd@sv.net.au
Hi...
Since I was posting the OMGod Fic.. I figured I'd post this as well
A Flaw in the Blade
by
Brett Handy
Looking at it objectively this is a typical Ranma FanFic, the only
great difference is it's going to concentrate more on the Kuno family
than the rest of the cast..
What follows is a small portion of the Fic.. let me know what you
think of it...
Hmmm. Well, a few *first* reaction thoughts:
The opening segment at the Nekohanten and the second section at the
Kuno's don't mesh together terribly well in the part you've shown so
far... I'd make the connection between them before too much longer.
The new-character insertion (was this a response to the recent
discussion? Just kidding... ^_^) wasn't terribly bad in principle, but
left some definite questions: Is it *really* in character for Kuno to
have a pen-pal, and is Ken the kind of person he'd do that with? Is it at
all likely that Bob would go to the expense of a trip to Japan on what
appears so far to be a whim, especially without knowing more about what
he's getting into (i.e. more about Kuno, the household, etc.)? It might
just be me (I never did go on a Spring Break trip when in college because
I couldn't afford it), but he seemed awfully casual about going.
I know these are all setup things that we're supposed to accept for the
sake of the story, but they strain my credibility a little too much to be
believable, and thus they strain that entire part of the story. The idea
of getting a "normal" outsider's view of the Kuno household is
interesting, but there are just a few too many incongruities to ring true
-- both in the setup and in the added characters' interaction with the
Kunos.
On the plus side of the ledger, the opening section at the Nekohanten
went well; and the technical aspects were quite well-done, with very few
grammatical errors and smooth-flowing prose.
If some more work is done on the added characters -- both in making their
entry to the story more plausible, and in making their interactions with
the Kunos more consistent with the series (how would Kuno *really* behave
towards someone showing the kind of breezy informality Ken and Bob are
showing? Wasn't that part of the reaction that set him against Ranma in
the second episode?), then this could be a pretty good story; I do
especially like the idea of concentrating more on the Kuno household.
Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
<http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)
...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.