Yet Another Totally Untitled Series By Someone Who Hasn't Published Diddly
Over Squat Anywhere Before
by
Thane Walkup
Version 0.2
C&C PLEASE!!!!
Note: The names and appearences of the characters in this story have been
changed in order to protect the innocent. Any resemblence of the characters
to real individuals above and beyond the point of satire is a mistake on
the part of the author, and should be pointed out immediately so that the
editors can haul out the bucket of soapy frogs. ;}
This is what happens, when at three in the morning, my brain decides to start
thinking. Now, it isn't unusual for my brain to start thinking, and it isn't
unusual for me to be up at three in the morning. HOWEVER, it is extremely
unlikely that I will BOTH be awake at three in the morning and still be
capable of thought. As you can see from what follows, this is a Good Thing.
All original ideas in this text are mine, any which someone else came up with
belong to them, natch. Anyone who's got a better legal disclaimer, please
help me!
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"SAOTOME RANMA, SHI-NE!"
The rather pissed-off man with the umbrella decided that now would be
a most excellent time to kill me. He pondered for all of one fifth of a
second how to best guarantee that my life would not continue beyond the end
of that same second. I was frozen there, watching as he pushed off with one
foot into the air, putting the other one forward so that it would connect
with my head, probably splattering it like a ripe tomato hitting a rotten
comedian.
Unfortunately for him, my head wasn't there.
This had nothing to do whatsoever with my fighting skills, (Poor) my
luck, (Even worse) or some other thing which I could take full credit for
at some later date. No, instead I fainted.
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To my surprise, I became conscious again. David was standing over
me, looking very concerned. Off to one side, I could see a small group of
women armed with squirtguns. They seemed to be fighting over a small black
piglet. To say that I was confused would be a little bit of an
understatement.
I hit the three fingered salute and waited for reboot.
Testing 64k OK...
Testing 128k OK...
Testing 192k OK...
Testing 256k OK...
The numbers cycled upwards until they hit 1024k, then zoomed into fast
forward, ending with "8192TB OK! Press <DEL> to enter System Config."
I opened my eyes again, looked around, and saw much the same scene
as before. Ok, so REALITY.SYS was not corrupted. I wasn't dead, Dave was
still standing over me, the women holding squirt guns were still fighting
each other over a small black pig, and HOLD EVERYTHING, there was a VERY
attractive woman taking my pulse. Wow.
Dave was saying something, but it blurred right out of my ears. I
was totally overwhelmed by the presence of this vision in front of me. She
had long brown hair, emerald green eyes, and this little pert button nose
that only complemented the rest of her face, which was radiant. My god, I
could spend hours looking at...
*THWAK!* "Mike! Snap out of it!"
The sudden ringing in my head resolved into a stinging sensation in
my cheek where Dave had hit me with his hammer. I looked up at him and
asked, "Hurglh uffhrra mmhtppph?" Dave gave me a funny look and started to
raise his hammer again.
The threat worked. My speech center kicked into gear, and I finally
managed to get something out other than total gibberish.
"Um, Dave, why am I alive? And just *WHO* was that?"
"Well, to make a long story short, youfaintedryougajumpedoveryouand
landedinthemiddleoftheamyswhosquirtedhimwiththeirwaterpistolsturninghiminto
apig." said Dave all in one breath. My head started spinning again, and the
funny-looking sparkles returned.
"Whoa, slow down and start over. I'M the one who's supposed to be
panicking here, I just almost got killed!" I said to Dave's backside, since
he had turned away from me and started off towards the podium. I started to
get up, but the vision of loveliness in front of me put her hand on my chest.
"I don't think you should be getting up just yet, Mr. Davidson. Why
don't you just lie here for a bit?" she said, and that was that. No way was
I going to argue with her, especially since it meant staying near her...
Dave got to the front of the auditorium, picked up the microphone,
tapped it a few times to make sure it was on, and began speaking.
"Well, folks, the immediate emergency is over. However, I think
it's about time to hold a war council. We've had some pretty strange stuff
happen today, so let's all break for the day. Group presidents, we'll all
meet at Otaku-no Gokuraku in about an hour, so grab your fud while you can.
That's all."
With that, the rest of the people began to shuffle off. David
followed them out, leaving me in the hands of... Um...
"Er, what's your name, anyways?"
"My name's Mel. Yours is Mike, right?"
Gawd, what a voice. She *TALKED* to me. Man, I could've been dumped
in a vat of hydrochloric acid right then and still been happy. Heck, I could
have even been forced to listen to Dan Quayle and *STILL* been happy.
"Agggle hubbra fumpla." It seemed that the social functions of
my brain were still functioning within normal operational parameters.
"Geez, you're not sounding too good. Maybe we'd better get you an
ambulance."
Again, I struggled against my speech center. "Stop with the funny
ambulance summoning! Nice, maybe I just lie here and smell the pretty
colors..." Good. English. What kind of english, I didn't know, but at
least I had pulled myself together enough to speak english. Mel gave me a
rather strange look. I thought to myself, third time's a charm, and gave it
one last shot.
"Urk... I'm fine, just a little disoriented." Finally, American
English, West Coast accent! Let's see if I can go two out of three. "Um,
I don't mean to be rude, but would you mind explaining to me exactly what
is going on here?"
Mel smiled at me (MELT!) and said, "Oh, you just happened to be
involved in a case of mistaken identity. It's going to take a bit to
explain, so why don't we go get some food, and I'll bring you up to date.
You'll need to know what's going on in time for the meeting."
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Mel hauled me out of the auditorium and across the campus to the Housing
Food Court, home to all kinds of weird foodstuff. In fact, it was the
existience of this very location that had driven me to learn how to cook my
own food. If the members of the anime club ate here regularly, it would go
a long way to explaining their bizzare behavior. Unfortunately, it brought
me no closer to figuring out the mystery that was before me. Who was that
strange individual with the umbrella? Why did he attack me? And where did
that small black pig come from? Hopefully, all would be revealed over a
plate of SquishySteamyStuff(TM) Ala Carte.
Mel led me through the food line, pulling unidentifiable foodstuffs from
the counter. Included was a bag of french fries, which she told me, "taste
like cardboard, but the paper bag they come in tastes pretty good, and seems
nutricious also." I was not reassured.
Finally, we sat down at a table in the back of the dining area. Mel
started chowing down. Me, I just looked at the stuff and wished that I was
back in my room, safely slaving away over something that wasn't as likely
to kill me as nourish me.
Mel gave me a look, and said, "Come on, eat up! You're going to need
the energy. We've got a long night ahead of us."
"Mel, I'm just not very hungry right now. And I've got a lot of
questions. I just got attacked by someone who can apparently break through
walls, and you think I can eat? Especially this slop?"
"I'm sorry, I guess you deserve an explanation. You see, Ryouga is..."
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"Ok, Mel, let me get this straight. Tonight, I got attacked by Ryouga
Hibiki, who does not exist, and is an anime character. Right?"
Mel nodded affirmative.
"Now, this non-existient character for some reason or another mistook
me, an average joe, for his mortal enemy, Ranma Saotome, who coincidentally
does not exist either. Am I right here too?"
Mel nodded affirmative once again.
"On top of this, this Ryouga character has a curse that turns him into
a small black pig when he gets wet, right?"
"Only if it's cold water. Hot water turns him back."
"Uh, yeah. And when I fainted, he missed me and landed in the middle
of the 27th Light Amys Brigade, who hauled out their squirt guns and turned
him into a pig. Right?"
"On the mark, boy-o."
"Um, why are they called the 27th Light Amys Brigade?"
"Well, all twenty-seven of them happen to be named Amy."
"Ok. Right. So how is it that someone who doesn't exist can come along
and try to kill me?"
Mel sighed and looked away for a second. "You've got me. We've never
had anything like this happen before. There've been stories that people
have written, where this kind of thing happens, and I've heard a few tales
from some of the stranger otaku about weird things happening, but this is
the first time I've ever seen anything like it. Anyways, eat up! You're
going to need your energy for the meeting."
With Mel's reassurances, I cautiously began to nibble at some of the
brown slime on my plate. It wasn't absolutely horrendous, but the taste
was somewhat reminiscent of socks left over from last year's laundry.
Not that I've ever actually had socks left over... Well, you get the idea.
This gave me an idea.
"Hey, Mel, um, if it's not too much trouble, um, ah, uh, how would you
like to, ah, um, come up to my, um, roomfordinnertomorrow?"
Smooth. Real smooth. About as smooth as the face of the pimpley-faced
teenager I used to be. Gah.
"What, do you cook or something? That would be cool! Admittedly, I've
learned what's safe to eat down here, but... Mike? Mike???"
Wow. She said yes.
I fainted.
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Ok, now chapter 2 is kinda finished. To be honest, I'm not very happy
with the current feel, I've always had kind of a weak spot with
conversations. Chapter 2 is shorter than Chapter 1 was, mainly because
it was a transition chapter, to bring us into the meeting at Otaku-no
Gokuraku. (For those who don't know what it means, Gokuraku refers to
either extreme bliss or a kind of heaven/nirvana.) Major changes are
in the works for this chapter, I just have to figure out where. For now,
I'm going to move on to chapter 3, and the meeting.
Special thanks and a plush Ryo-oh-ki to Travis Butler, AKA Windir and
Frito for his most excellent help in getting this turkey slapped together.
Without his advice, I would never have recognized exactly what story I was
trying to tell...
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And now, the featured character!
Harlan Cho
225 pt/Senior
Age: 22
ST: 11
IQ: 13
DX: 15
HT: 11
Speed: 6.5
Move: 7 (Running)
Dodge: 8 (With Combat Reflexes, Enhanced Dodge)
Parry(Katana/1H):10 (With Combat Reflexes, Enhanced Parry)
Parry(Katana/2H):13 (With Combat Reflexes, Enhanced Parry)
2 attacks when using Katana skill
Advantages: Disadvantages:
Combat Reflexes Sense of Duty - Friends +UAC
Weapon Master On the Edge
Enhanced Parry Secret - What is it? I'm not telling...
Enhanced Dodge Destiny - Once again, I'm not telling...
Peripheral Vision Impulsiveness
Reputation +2, Small Group, Excellent Swordfighter
Ally group - UAC
Martial Art - Kuk Sool Won
Quirks
Enjoys fighting many people at once by himself
Tends to be very cheerful even in bad situations
Has a tendancy to Kuno from time to time
Never takes the easy way anywhere (Jumps from desk to desk as opposed to
walking down the aisles, climbs in through windows instead of through the
door, etc.)
Tends to idolize just about any great anime swordfighter.
Skills:
Poetry(M/A) - 12
Writing(M/A) - 12
Acrobatics(P/H) - 15
Breath Control(M/VH) - 12
Running(P/H) - 10
Swimming(P/E) - 15
Armoury/TL7 Hand Weapon(M/A) - 12
English(M/A) - 13
Korean(M/A) - 13/Native
Japanese(M/A) - 12
First Aid/TL7(M/E) - 13
Climbing(P/A) - 15
Survival/Unnamed College(M/A) - 13
History(M/H) - 11
Literature(M/H) - 11
Philosophy(M/H) - 11
Area Knowlege/Unnamed College(M/A) - 13
Tactics(M/H) - 13
Judo(P/H) - 13
Karate(P/H) - 13
Katana(P/A) - 17
Staff(P/H) - 13
Main-Gauche(P/A) - 14
Shortsword(P/A) - 14
Throwing(P/E) - 15
Kiai(P/H) - 14
Power Blow(M/H) - 12
Maneuvers:
Arm Lock(A) - 15
Back Kick(H) - 13
Hit Location - +3
Jump Kick(H) - 13
Kicking(H) - 12
Dual Weapon Attack(H) - 17
Off-Hand Weapon Training (Katana) - no off-hand penalty
Spin Kick(H) - 13
Whirlwind Attack(H) 17
Kipple:
2 Very Fine Gum, (Korean swords, similar to Katana) which he says are family
heirlooms.
One handed
cut 3+1
imp 2+3
Two handed
cut 3+2
imp 2+3
Large assortment of Boffa weapons
Various textbooks in many different subjects
Lots of poetry scribbled on various pieces of paper
Sixty plus badly dubbed chinese martial arts videos
Standard college student wardrobe
19" Color TV
VCP Deck (No record)
Rice cooker
$100
$30,000 in student loans
Harlan is your basic Combat God. Nobody knows much about his background,
except that he is an orphan, and that he moved to the United States from
Korea just before starting college. While extremely friendly with just
about everyone, he tends not to reveal much about his history.
After joining the UAC, he founded the Boffa Combat Brigade. While he is
majoring in Philosophy, he hasn't really focused too much on his studies,
being more interested in the martial arts. This has the consequence of
his grades not being very high, and he has had to repeat a couple of
courses.
"You are utterly the stupidest, most self-centered, appallingest excuse
for an anthropomorphic personification on this or any other plane!"
-Death
Fnord.