On Sat, 6 Jul 1996, Jeanne Hedge wrote:
I have my own thoughts on the subject, but out of curiousity is there
anything that stands out as good, bad, confusing, funny,
supposed-to-be-funny-but-isn't, etc?
**********
Problem) The reader was shown a lot of clues that Leon has come
across hinting at the relationship between Nene, her boyfriend, and
the stange behaviour of Skyknight.
Comment) Either:
1 - give fewer teasers/hints to the reader, and give Leon more time-
wasting things to do to better give the impression that he still
hasn't made a connection.
2 - give Leon the vacation earlier; in order to subjectively justify
(to the reader) how quickly the clues are coming along.
Since both are rather involved, I figure either would take too long
to implement and so hope that it helps in a later piece.
**********
P) The opening "commercial" still bugs me. The voice over has a
"deep, grandiloquent voice" in the beginning, but then descends into
phrases that sound like they don't have _enough_ exclamation points
at the end.
C) I have an outline of another version of the commercial from the
good-ole-days when Zone 9 was 200K. It sounds more like an ad for
T2 than what a defense secretary of a nation ought to be looking at,
but IMO, it is smoother that what is already there.
**********
P) around line 230:
His own recovery from his ordeal at Hollister's hands
was proceeding, but at a very slow pace. He was able to
control himself a lot better, and not lash out instantly at
anyone who came near, but he still had the occasional
relapse. Each time it happened something in him seemed to
die, just a little, each time that he had to restrain
himself from hitting one of his friends. He hugged Nene once
more, wishing her peace of mind with more intensity than
he'd ever wished for anything before, for anyone, himself
included.
C) The last line, the "himself included" might be improved upon.
How about, "with more intensity than he'd ever wished for anything
before, for anyone ... even for himself."? I think this speaks more
of Bert's love for Nene by leveraging how selfish most people, even
some or the readers, tend to be in the world.
**********
P) from around line 8937:
She knew her choice of colours for the suit hadn't been
understood by her friends; Bert had looked very
uncomfortable when she'd told him what she wanted. Priss had
been curious, but hadn't prodded. Sylvie hadn't tried
explaining why she'd wanted the old D.D. Battlemover's
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
colour scheme as her suit colours to anyone; she knew why
she wanted it that way, and that was all that was necessary.
C) ^_^ Glad to know the color suggestion made it into the story.
Anyway, the underlined phrase seems too long. Why not just change it
to "old Battlemover's"?
**********
C) You described how Dr. Yoshida was descending into madness, but
whatever became of him? Was he still in the development complex when
it exploded in the end? Or was it something else?
**********
P) from line 1461:
"Checkmate. Game and match," he quietly said out loud.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The warehouse district suddenly dissolved into a multi-
coloured field of static, and then darkness.
C) Was this mixing of phrases:
1 - used because _you_ actually say this.
2 - justified by how tired Bert was after the test session.
3 - left alone because in hope that someone might give you a better line?
4 - you felt like it.
**********
P) line 1605:
"What's wrong?!" Priss asked worriedly. "What is it?!"
She and Sylvie were holding him upright by main strength;
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Bert's legs wouldn't support him any longer.
C) What the heck is "main strength"?
**********
P) line 3761:
"BERT!!! SYLIA!!! SOMEBODY HELP MEEE!!! PLEASE!!!!"
line 4747:
"We know you won't harm cops," one of the blue-white K-
17s replied. "So spare us the theatrical threats, huh? Just
come along quietly." Leon shifted closer another step;
SkyKnight's head came up a bit, almost as if he was going to
reply, and then it happened.
"....HELP...!!...." Leon's ears just barely caught the
muffled, staticky voice, apparently coming from SkyKnight's
helmet. Whatever it was, it was instantly cut off as the
C) What Leon heard doesn't match with what Nene screamed.
**********
C) Also nice to see that two "years" of summer has been finally
broken with a frost and a snowstorm. I'm just wondering where
autumn went. ^_^;
**********
P) line 8032:
By the time Bert emerged from the washroom, looking
more groomed and alert, Priss had whipped up a pot of tea,
and already gotten herself and Linna a mugful. The two women
were now seated in chairs by the coffee table, watching him
with faint smirks on their faces. Like iron drawn to a
lodestone, the red-haired young man went to the teapot first
and mixed up a large mugful of the steaming beverage, taking
a huge swallow right off the bat.
C) How about making Bert do a Homer (Simpson)? Sniffing around at
a smell, then recognizing it for what it was, then a moan of
expectation and maybe some drooling before he reaches the pot could
be ... fun.
**********
C) During the snowball fight, wasn't there at least a few witnesses?
**********
P) line 9096:
"You're probably right," Sylia sighed, watching the
terrain spread out before her intently. "But that stunt also
screwed up the image recognition targeting systems; they
^^^^^^^^^^
need a reasonably clear image to be able to lock onto a
target. By the time we switched to EM signature detection,
he was already under cover."
C) Wait up, _Sylia_ using the phrase "screwed up"?
".. also created an effective screen against the image
recognition ..." ought to be more in-character.
**********
P) line 10287:
"Anyway, Sylvie won't go near Hot Legs because she's
afraid someone might remember her; she caused a big
^^^^^^^^^^^^
sensation the last time she was there." The brown-haired
^^^^^^^^^
C) IMO, this phrase sounds like it's lifted directly from the subs.
**********
P) line 11815:
"That's not a problem. I'm going to be fairly busy
myself," she sighed. "More performances to choreograph, more
dancers to break in..."
C) Hey! How much longer until her troupe is ready for opening day?
It can't _really_ take this long to get a production going once you
have your people, right?
**********
C) I couldn't find anything to add about the last third. Great
stuff. Oh, and please try using chapters. Soon.
----------
Yung "William/The Forgotten One/Who?" Wong
(^_^) <gon@catt.poly.edu> -=-<>--<>-=- <ywong01@barney.poly.edu> (;_;)
<a href="http://www.poly.edu/~gon/">William Wong's Hokey Homepage</a>
}-==================================================================-{
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- Groucho Marx