Subject: Re: [C&C] [FFML] Unlimited Moment C:0 S:0-1 BETA
From: "Bryan K. Ogawa" <bkogawa@netvoyage.net>
Date: 7/7/1996, 3:48 AM
To: fanfic@fanfic.com

On Sat, 6 Jul 1996, John Peasley wrote:

Man, someone remind me to never go through 6 2liter bottles of 'Spew
in a 2 day period.. UGH...

Drinking 12 liters of Mountain Dew in a 48 hour period is inadvisable.
Don't do it. :)

The next section is slashed -- I'm not marking where I cut.

into computers heavily. Across the floor, a sea of cables, cords, books,
clothes, and papers floated, a mute testiment to the man's bachelor tendencies.
                                      ^^^^^^^^^ <- should be testAment

Minor formatting note -- it looks like some lines are longer than 75 or so
characters -- you might want to try to keep them at about 70-75 characters
per line. 

'screensaver' on his PC.. Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo ran on Demo Mode on
the PC. <Hmm.. Ryu VS Sagat.. A good battle.. I'd bet my money on Ryu. If I
had some. *sigh*>

This is much better, and very good.  I like.

He carried the card over to his PC, and flipped the BigRedSwitch(TM). He glanced
warily around.. "What, no sirens? No flashing red lights?"

Why does he expect sirens or flashing red lights?  He's just turning his
computer off, right?

overwhelming smell of burnt electronics filled the air. Panicking, John
grabbed the
card with one hand and flipped the power switch with the other. His vision

Personally, I wouldn't grab a smoking card with the power on... maybe
switch the order -- "Panicking, John flipped the power switch with one
hand, and grabbed the card with the other." -- Something to suggest the
power off was the first thing, or maybe better motivation for grabbing a
powered card.

The story of that man, originally Darren Steffler, who became Twister, is
related in the story Twisted Path. This, however, is not his story.

I like this better, but I guess I would have liked a little less
verbosity.  However, I suspect that I'm just kinda being picky.

Your description of this Megatokyo of the future (which I have mostly
removed) is really good.  I like it -- I can imagine the scene pretty well
(and I like the simple prose style).

John reached down and picked up the card. It was still intact. He looked
quickly around for the closest shelter from the rain. About 10 meters away,
a building sat, fairly intact. His mind was set.

Is this last sentence necessary?

John's eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness of the building. The hall was in
perfect condition-- no spiderwebs covered the walls. <That's odd.. if there
was any life, you'd see some sign.. but this seems completely devoid of life!>

The thought sounds redundant to me.

He cautiously walked through the hallway, the surrounding areas growing
darker. He reached an intersection. To the right, a faint glow.. Forward,
utter darkness. 

I like this last sentence a lot, but I'd punctuate it "To the right, a
faint glow -- forward, utter darkness." or "...faint glow; forward, ...".
I don't think the ellipsis doesn't "sound" right here.

studied all the login information. Sylia Stingray was the last user.. and
she'd been logged in for... 30 years. <My god... The city has been dead for
30 years...>

The thought seems uneeded here.

John shivered. Spending several hours on the terminal, he was able to at
last piece together the final hours of MegaTokyo. The Knight Sabers had been
killed, except for Sylia, on a suicide mission. She was wounded badly enough
that she'd never be able to fight again. Several years passed, the boomer
rampages becoming more and more violent. They turned against and destroyed
Genom utterly. All of humanity was helpless to stop the advance. In one
final battle, all life on the planet was destroyed, but all of the boomers
were destroyed as well.. a dead planet remaining.

"Final hours of Megatokyo", but "Several years passed" ?

John punched up another file marked "Sylia's Emergency Design Note" in
curiousity. A voice started behind him and he jumped out of the seat.

"Design Notes", perhaps?

"Knight Sabers, if you read this message, it means I didn't survive a mission.
I'm sorry I had to leave you, my friends, but we all die eventually. Contained

Much better!  However, I might suggest ending the sentence with "...leave
you, my friends."  The Knight Sabers know their job entails risk.

within this file is instructions and help on how to repair and build new
hardsuits. 
Without me, you'll be doing this by yourselves. Now, let's start..."

A little redundant.

Another issue thwapped at his consciousness. <John, this world is dead. There's
no food anywhere. If you don't find a way out of here, you're dead.>

Suggest "... find a way out of here, you will be, too."  ??? Or is this
too slick or cliched?

An idea struck upon him, and he carefully pried the casing of the computer open.

"An idea struck him," 

Looking upon the computer's motherboard, he was in awe at the technology
involved. <Wow, these sure have gotten SMALLER..Wh? Crap. I love it. 1
megabit vesa-bus slots when you need an old fashioned ISA slot. Looks like
this PC can't handle my card..>

Very good!  I like!

He shivered and mumbled, "My only way out is to build a hardsuit and to try to
interface that card to it..."

I think this is still quite a jump... maybe if he found an ISA adapter in
the hardsuit parts???

Leaving the terminal, he walked back to the intersection and down the dark
corridor. His footsteps echoed into his mind, the death march of an entire
population weighting his soul. At the end of the corridor, another metal

I like the sentence starting with "His footsteps" a LOT, but population
sounds very clinical.  Maybe world? 

security door lay. Shattered. He stepped over the remains of the door and

I think the pause here (between "...door lay. Shattered.") seems a little
strong.  Maybe "...door lay, shattered."?

into the room beyond.


Glass cylinders, hardsuits inside, filled the room. Most of the hardsuits

I find this a little unclear -- maybe "Glass cylinders with hardsuits
inside". 

were severely damaged, to the point of uselessness. He studied each of the suits

I don't think the comma is needed.  Maybe "were damaged to the point of
uselessness".

ABOUT 30 MINUTES LATER...

Hm... I would suggest putting this into the story, instead of as a break.
Example:  "After thirty minutes of searching, John returned to the
terminal room and looked disgustedly at the hologram."  But that's just
me.

John looked disgustedly at the hologram. He'd looked over the entire building
several times, and not a single part was found. Things were not going his way.

I think you mean "not a single part of those designed for mackie to wear"?

John looked up from the suit he had just completedm his head swimming with 

Suggest comma: "...just completed, his head..." 

formulas, ideas, concepts, and design theories.. <This suit looks like shit,
but it 
should be able to get me out of here>. The hardsuit was a motley mix of
parts and 
armour plates. It looked like something cooked up from a junkyard, which, 
technically, it was. The leg pieces didn't match, nor did the arms, and the

Technically?  Hm... that doesn't sound quite right...

armour 
plates were from different hardsuits, so the suit had a psychedelic style to
it. The 
worst part about the suit was the fact he'd only been able to salvage a
small pulse 
laser and a single swordblade -- very weak weapons. He'd installed both onto
the 
wrist of the right hand, wishing he had something more powerful. <Sometimes you 
have to put up with what you can find, though..>

Suggest:  "make due with what you can find, though.."

John smiled. <Time for the test run.. either it works, or it goes up in smoke..>


He stepped into the suit and started up the computer in it. The display lit
up, showing 
the room around him in startling detail. He didn't notice the suit close
around him, 
but he knew it had sealed when the suit tightened to his shape. The chest area 
seemed a bit roomy, and the hips were slightly too snug. He grumbled to
himself, 
knowing exactly why that was the case, and knowing he had no choice in the
matter.
The sound of seals locking into place, then the computer started diagnostics. 

This last sentence seems slightly disjointed.

cross his fingers and randomwarp. Meaning, it'd be quite some time before he
got home (which incidently, was where
he REALLY wanted to be right now, as he wasn't the hero-type.)

Maybe this last parenthetical should be phrased as one of John's
thoughts--maybe as just longing to go home?  

This experience was completely new to him, yet oddly titillating.

Why does newnes preclude titillation?

An odd thought occured to him, and he could but smile. 

Perhaps "couldn't help but smile."

Could it be
possible a fanfic was being created in his home universe about him? <Hi
Mom! They're probably reading my mind this very instant if that's the
case. Scary thought. Perhaps I should put it out of my mind.>

:)

John stepped to the computer and hooked his hardsuit up to it. He let the
hardsuit
download the logs and the design files, knowing they would be useful. John

Let the hardsuit?  Hm... would it do that automatically?

He was about 50 feet from the building when his sixth sense buzzed a
warning at him. He ignored it, knowing that the world was dead.  Nothing
was there to harm him. 

Hm.  This sounds strange to me... I guess if it were me, if I were
somwhere where I knew there wasn't anyone else, and I got the feeling that
someone was there, I'd look, just because I knew no one was there.

I'm going to slash to the end of the section, but I just thought I'd let
you know that the boomer scene I'm cutting out is a section I really like.

Chapter Zero -- Section Two: Paths

Looking down, the hardsuit had looked like it'd been used in a butcher's shop. 
Blood covered the front in trails down to the feet of the pilot.. <Looks
like I made it.. 
wherever I am..>

Suggest removing "of the pilot"

In a house nearby, a teenaged boy named Palom lived with his twin sister
Porom. The two of them were mages of widely known talent, being the
youngest masters ever. Palom was a master of 'black magic'. Black magic
was the kind of spells used offensively, such as throwing bolts of
lightning, poisoning an opponent, etc. His sister, however, was a master
of 'white magic'. White magic was magic with non- offensive uses, such
as healing a person, slowing them, speeding them up, and many other
types of spell. 

I'm not at all familiar with this.  Is this a reference to something?
Just curious.

The other thing -- I think this paragraph needs a little reworking.  Yes
I'm being vague -- if you want, bug me and I'll think about it more.

Palom slammed the book shut and stormed outside. He started in shock as an
amoured figure staggered into town, bleeding profusely. It was obviously
humanoid
in nature. Palom heard a modulated voice whisper, "P-Palom?! Must b-be
shock..", and the figure fell to the ground unconscious.

Since I don't know where John is, this is blind, but I'm just curious why
he is surprised to be here, since he knew the randomwarp could take him to
any universe.

I like this -- the descriptions of the dead BGC universe are my favorite
thing (the pre-hardsuit-construction and boomer incident being my
favorites).  As I said, I liked the terse style used -- it really fueled
my imagination, for some reason.

bryan

--
Bryan K. Ogawa  II Infinitum  <><  On this account I speak for myself.
<bkogawa@netvoyage.net>       SDG  http://www.netvoyage.net/~bkogawa/