Marie Kelly wrote:

All right! Here it is! My first fanfic! Well, part of it. It's the
prologue, at least. The title of my fanfic is called Sailor Moon:
Dark Jewel. It's set between "Sailor V Makes the Scene" and
"A Crystal Clear Destiny." (yes, I know that's impossible, but it was
the only time that could be...:-)

Nothings impossible for a fan-fic. Go to town!

And now, without further ado....

                        SAILOR MOON: DARK JEWEL
                        by: Marie Kelly

Oooooo! I really, really liked this one! Where is the rest?

Some general comments:

First off, I love what you've done with Molly. The slow build up of her 
'change' is well done and believable. Starting with her anger at Serena 
and just slowly getting colder and more evil. I liked it.

'said' shows up an awful lot. Just personal preference but you loose a 
lot of chance for discriptions there.

Also you've got some strange comma placements. I put the ones I found in 
<>.

O.K. The line by line stuff. Don't be freaked, remember, these are just 
the thoughts and impressions from one person. I hope they help and don't 
hinder.

        She was never the type of girl that could be
considered beautiful; not by a long shot. She was certainly
pleasant to look at; that could be denied,

should that be: could not be denied?

        Or, rather, she *had*. Yet, somehow, all that seemed
silly, and childish.  She was still fourteen<,> (this comma really go here?) and still in Junior
High, yet, if you asked her about it, she would have said she was
a woman beyond her years, far more mature than they were.

You might want to restructure this sentence a bit.

For she
had something none of the other girls had. She had a boyfriend<. the period in my copy is missing>

        "Oooh," she muttered<,> (another strange comma) under her breath, making a fist
with  her hands.

        Molly crossed her arms<,>(and another) and raised her chin just the
slightest bit.

Without even waiting
to be asked, Serena "dug in"<,>(and another) using her hands to shovel food into her
mouth at a rapid pace, not even bothering to chew properly.

Within
a space of time of less than a minute, the plate of spicy shrimp was
empty<,> and a very full Serena sat in front of them.

This sentence is a bit chaotic also.

        Molly looked angrily at her friend.

Tense jump?

Serena's long, blond hair was pulled up into two
ponytails<,> which hung from meatball like buns of hair on either
side of her head.

        "But I was hungry," Serena whined.
        "How?"

Maybe 'Why?'

        Molly and Melvin exchanged glances, and each had a giant
sweatdrop on the back of their heads<,> as they listened to
Serena's childish wail.

        Molly looked at Serena, continuing to act like a small
child. "Let's go," she repeated, more firmly.

'who continued to act'? and "Let's go (different punctuation?)

        Molly was deep in thought<,> as she walked by.

        "Molly! Slow down!" Melvin panted. "I'm not as fast as
you," he added<,> unnecessarily.

        Forcing a smile, Molly slowed down and turned to
Melvin. "Oh, I'm so sorry," she said. The two held hands...Molly
noticing with distaste how cold and clammy Melvin's was<,> and
went to Molly's apartment.

I think you're tense jumping. That 'forcing'. Maybe: Molly slowed down, 
forced a smile as she turned... And you could drop the 'she said.' The 
noticing is a tense jump, and maybe 'as they went' instead of 'and 
went'. 

"No, I *didn't*, Melvin," she said<,> through
clenched teeth.

She grabbed him firmly by his upper arm<,> and
half dragged him up the stairs to where her apartment was.

The elevator worked perfectly well, yet her apartment was
closer to the stairs and, besides that, it would have
been *too* awkward to wait for the elevator.

Why?

She fumbled
through the pockets of her schooldress, extracted the key,
unlocked the door<,> and opened it.

        "Say what?" Melvin was perplexed. "I don't believe
in lying, Molly. It's not right. Besides," he added, "<Yy>ou
didn't invite me up her to study. You invited me up here
for dinner."
        "Dinner?" Molly was genuinely surprised, although
perhaps she shouldn't have been.
        "Yeah, what did you think I was going to say?"
        "Ummm...nothing," Molly said.

I had to read this twice before I figured out what Molly had expected 
him to say. You might want to make it a little clearer in the 
conversation with Oswald?

        Molly gestured to the couch. "Sit down," she
said<,> brightly. "I've got some things to do." {Or
rather, some *thing*<,>} for it was only one thing that
had to be done.

        Purposefully, Molly strode towards her mother's
chest.

tense jump. Maybe: Molly strode purposefully...?

She already had the key; she had stolen it before
she went to school. Her mother had already left for
work, and so did not notice that it was missing.

Huum...this doesn't read right. I know what you're trying to say but it 
needs to be rephrased. Maybe: She already had the key, she had taken it 
after her Mother had left for work.' Or something like that?

There
was large cabinet, locked. In that cabinet was only
one thing...and that was what she needed.

Is this her mother's chest from above?

        Molly made short work of it<,> and soon the object
of her desire was cradled within her hand.

A silver
jewel<,>(.) <iI>t was not particularly special to the naked eye<,>
and probably would not be worth much on the market.

        Molly raised it over her head<,> and chanted,
channelling her energy.

Tense jump?

        "Molly...?" Melvin sounded nervous<,> as he walked
up behind her.

Then he was silent, saying no more<,>  as the green ribbons
encircled him and entered him, completely taking over him.

Could drop that first 'him' and maybe: taking him over?

Looking the other way, Molly smiled. Yes...yes...this was
the way it had to be.

Why is she looking the other way?

        Soon it was over, the the green glow faded, and
then died altogether. Molly made certain to put the jewel
back in its place<,> and locked it up.

Maybe Molly should be doing this as the transformations going on? It 
would give the impression that she's done it enough that she doesn't 
need to watch it anymore. Or this needs to go after she says "Hello, 
love." Maybe? I just feel the sequence of events here is a little out of 
order.

        "Hello, love<,>(different punctuation?)" she said<,> softly, slowly turning
around.

Or 'she said it softly as she slowly turned around.'

He
seemed to be in some sort of invisible shield, for his
feets wavered a few inches off the ground.

feets? ^_- and maybe a different word than 'wavered'?

He was
clothed in gray trousers<,> and a purple undershirt.

His
top was ripped<,> and evil looking scars crossed his chest
and back.

Maybe: The top (you're talking about the purple shirt, right?) was 
ripped showing the evil...

His hair was quite beautiful looking.  It fell
well past his shoulders<,> with a slight wave and auburn
coloring.

Could drop the 'looking' and that comma in the next sentence.

His head was  bowed<,> and his bright blue eyes,
though open,  seemed to see nothing.  It was obvious
he was a very tall, and extremely handsome, man.

O.K. Good job! Please write the rest, soon!

Thanks for sharing it!

Windlily

(dragoncritterhidingfromDragonBrothers@theCelestialTemple.com)