At 06:53 PM 7/1/96 -0600, James Bateman wrote:

Here ya go, Don!


Zen really liked the story here - it is Orders of Magnitude better than
April Fools -
In April Fools the characters seemed a lot more two dimensional - here you
have given them both (particularly Akane) a lot more depth, and Zen thinks
that your characterizations are very good.

True, I believe that he has hit it just right.

You may have your doubts about Akane, but rest assured, Zen thinks that you
have her nailed.  Zen can easily see her responding this way, particularly
if she comes to the conclusion that Ranma really doesn't care anything
about her.  Akane is hurting - really hurting, so expecting her to act
entirely normally would be silly.  The Akane that you have written seem
very much in character for the circumstances that you have provided.

just keep the flow of Akane's pain... it will take some time for her to heal.
its not like a physical pain.  Its emotional, and mental pain, there have
been no fights as of recent, meaning that Akane has given up.

If there is any weakness in the character depictions, it is probably in
Ranma instead.  Certainly he reacts on an instinctual level, but what makes
him a great martial artist is that he learns from his mistakes.  When he
uses insults to try and get a reaction out of Akane, that reads true - but
he seems to be taking a rather *long* time to figure out that things are
Different now.

True... Ranma having thoughts that she doesn't hold grudges for very long,
and that she just bounces back like he does.  And every time he uses insults
to get a reaction is actually hurting Akane.  Its taken his three weeks to
find out that she was inflicting pain upon herself to forget...  He usually
spys on her the following day.

As for Akane's means of generating pain, stay with the pins - it works, and
works well.  Zen thinks the knife would be a lot too extreme, unless you
are planning on making her suicidal.

YES on that one...  

Which brings Zen to end (?) of story.  Where are you going ot go with this?
As it is, there are a number of questions that have to be answered - Can
Ranma win her back?  Even more importantly, *should* he?

With this one is bad.. because he asked Akane to watch Him and Shampoo on a
date.  Which hurt her alot...  I really don't know that he can win her
back.. there is so much mistrust that is going on..

The interplay between the characters was very well done - Again, the
primary weaknesses in this piece are mechanical - matters of grammar, and
sentence structure - with a few edits, Zen thinks that you'll have a really
good piece here.

I myself didn't comment on that I was looking on the whole story as is.  The
edits can come later...

Keep it up!

Definatly...  I hope that you finish this one.

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"hitotsu no ai ni inochi sae nage-dasu toki ga hoshii no" --"JENIINA"
(I want a chance to sacrifice even my life for one love)
		                           -- Kimagure Orange Road
Bay Area Animation Society	Intergrated Computer Concepts
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Video Archivist / Computer 'Zine Editor	CO-CEO / Computer Engineer 
		Nessie Rilveria	rigger@hooked.net      
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