Storm's End
by Richard Lawson
Please let me know what you think...good or bad!
sterman@sprynet.com
Akane examined the painting that adorned one of the walls of the small office.
It was lovely, of a sunset over the ocean as seen from an orchard on a hill.
She could lose herself in those trees, wandering for hours...
"Please tell me about yourself, Tendo Akane-san."
She kept looking at the painting, but she had lost her dream. That was
annoying, but she couldn't hold the feeling for long. She couldn't hold any
feeling for long. "Surely they told you about me, Sensei."
His deep voice spoke quietly, soothingly from across the room. "I want to
hear it from you, Akane-san."
She sighed and turned to face him. He was a small man, with dark hair shot
through with gray. His face was craggy. His eyes, though, seemed to stare
right through her. They were dark, intelligent, appraising. Somehow, they
seemed friendly as well. She wondered how he managed it all. None of the
others had been able to.
She wandered over to the chair he had offered her. She leaned down and put
her elbows on the chair's back, resting her head in her hands. "Well, I'm 18.
I'm in my last year at Furinkan High. I live at home with my sister and my
father."
Akane stopped and looked at the sensei without much interest. He continued to
look at her, as if expecting her to tell him more. She watched his eyes for
signs of impatience or anger. When he just looked at her, warmth somehow
mixed with keen observation, she grimaced. What more did he want? "I have
another sister. She's at college. My mother died many years ago." She
floundered; what else was there to say?
His sonorous voice, so surprising from a small man, cut through her. "Tell
me about your mother."
Akane's eyebrows shot up. "Is that all you people ever ask about?"
He managed a small, wry smile. "It's what they teach us in school. Humor me,
please, Akane-san."
Akane licked her lips. She walked around the chair and sat down in it, her
hands gripping the armrests. "Mother was warm and loving and beautiful. She
always smiled, always listened, and was never angry."
"Do you miss her?"
The anger flared briefly. "Of course I miss her!" It melted away again.
"Not as much as I used to. Kasumi took over, and she's almost as good as
mother was. She helped me a lot after...." Akane bit her lip.
Sensei lifted his eyebrows slightly. "After...?"
Akane shook her head violently.
He looked at her for a moment, then picked up a date book. "I'd like to see
you regularly. Shall we say...Wednesdays and Saturdays at this time?"
Akane tried to glare at him but couldn't. She didn't want to do this. She
needed to do this. It wasn't as if she had a choice in the matter. She
didn't have to like it, though. "Fine. May I go now, Sensei?"
He smiled and nodded. "I enjoyed meeting you Akane-san. I look forward to
talking with you again on Saturday." He stood and bowed to her slightly.
She released her grip on the chair and flexed her hands to get some circulation
restored. She bowed, picked up her school bag, and left.
Akane wandered home, taking her time. She looked up at the sky. Thankfully,
it was clear. Barely a cloud to be seen. She always watched for the clouds.
She entered the house and took off her shoes. She padded down to the dining
room. Kasumi was just setting the dishes. Kasumi looked up as she came in
and smiled brightly. "Hello, Akane. Dinner is ready. Would you get Father?"
Akane looked at Kasumi closely. Kasumi must be curious about her afternoon
meeting, but she was also going to let Akane talk about it when she was ready.
Akane appreciated that tremendously. "Okay, older sister."
She turned and went to the porch. Father was sitting alone at his shogi board.
He had the pieces set out, and seemed to be intently studying the position.
Akane watched as he moved a piece, then turned the board around.
"Father." He started, then looked at her. His face assumed the frightened,
guilty expression it almost always had when he first saw her. He had learned,
recently, to quickly replace it with a happy face, but he could never hide his
true feelings. Akane wished he was better at it. "Father, dinner is ready."
He stood immediately. "Good!" His eyes were bright with false cheer as he
put his arm around her and lead her back to the dining room.
They sat and ate dinner. Father was trying to probe her gently for details
of her visit. She ignored him and concentrated on eating. It took effort,
even now. It tasted bland, as it always had of late. Nothing wrong with
Kasumi's cooking. Ranma loved her cooking, would always gulp it down as if
there was no tomorrow. She would chastise him sometimes; he ate like a pig.
Then again, so did his father; they had never learned manners. Ranma would
just dig right in and shovel it into his mouth, reaching over her to grab the
soy sauce, trying to reach her hand as the rain pelted her face....
"Baka!" She slammed her palm on the table, hard. Father jumped and Kasumi
actually let out a little shriek. Akane looked around, embarrassed. "I'm
sorry, please forgive me." She looked down at her half-completed dinner.
She simply had no desire to finish it. She stood up and bowed. "I'm sorry,"
she said again, and went up to her room.
She sat at her desk and took out her homework. Homework was something she
enjoyed. Her grades had been much better lately. She could lose herself in
the texts and shut out the rest of the world. She plunged willingly into her
calculus. Math wasn't as easy for her as it was to Nabiki, but she could do
okay. It was so nice to just flow with the formulas, applying obscure
trigometric functions to obtuse equations; she could easily lose several hours
in the math. Several hours spent not thinking about...other things.
Akane was interrupted by a knock on her open door. She turned to see Kasumi
standing there. She was smiling, as usual, but her eyes were sad and
questioning.
Akane looked longingly at her calculus book, but she couldn't deny Kasumi.
She sighed deeply. "So...I'll be seeing the sensei Wednesdays and Saturdays
after school." She suddenly realized - two days a week, for however many
months - her eyes widened. "Can we afford that, Kasumi?"
"Hush, Akane. Of course we can." Kasumi came in and sat on the bed. "Do
you like your sensei?"
Akane considered. "I don't know. They all pretend to be something they're
not. Still, he seems better than the others. Friendlier. He's a good man."
She was surprised to realize it was true. She did like him.
Kasumi let out a small sigh of relief. Akane glanced sharply at her. She
couldn't maintain any annoyance, however. More than anyone, Kasumi had a
right to be worried, and to feel relief that Akane was getting help. Kasumi
had had the most difficult time over the past few months. Other than Akane
herself, that is.
Akane unconsiously rubbed her stomach. Kasumi saw, and looked closely at
her.
Akane was angry at herself. She shouldn't give Kasumi any reason to worry,
just after Kasumi had started feeling better, too. "I'm fine, Kasumi. I
really think the sensei will help me. Can I go back to my homework now?"
Kasumi nodded and smiled. She got up, went over to Akane, bent down, and
gave her a hug. Akane felt mildly irritated at first, but she hugged her
back, finding some of her own tension melting away. She was always thankful
to have Kasumi as her sister.
Kasumi left, and Akane considered the calculus text again. She didn't feel
like doing anything with it right now. She went over to the window, opened
it, and stared outside. Still no clouds. The stars shone brightly; she
watched them for a while, thinking of her sister. Where would she be without
Kasumi?
Kasumi's hands pressing against Akane's abdomen, trying to staunch the flow
of blood. "Nabiki! Call an ambulance!" Kasumi's voice on the ragged
edge of a scream, Akane trying to push her away...
Akane rubbed her stomach again as she stared at the night sky. Perhaps she
would be better off.
***
Akane sat primly in the chair this time, her hands folded on her knee. She
looked evenly at the sensei, in control. This was something she had learned
from Nabiki. Not that Nabiki had meant to teach her this; years of watching
her sister hide her feelings from everyone had taught Akane to do the same.
Sensei was just watching her. Akane had expected him to be taking notes, as
all of the others had. There wasn't a piece of paper to be found in front of
him.
"How did you wind up in the hospital, Akane-san?" After the silence, his deep
voice seemed to fill the room.
Akane remained still. "You know how, Sensei."
"Again, Akane-san, I want to hear you say it. Why were you in the hospital?"
Akane had to fight to keep her hands away from her stomach. "I..." She
licked her lips. "I went into the dojo..."
Sensei waited. When her silence continued, he prodded her gently. "And..."
"And..." She drew a breath. "I had on my gi, and I went to the center of
the dojo. I sat on the floor. I..."
Sensei cocked his head, then prompted, "You put the tanto in front of you?"
Akane nodded. "I waited a while. It seemed so right. It felt good. I
picked up the blade. I bared it, and grabbed it with both hands."
"How long did you hold it?"
"Not long." Until the next thuderclap had sounded overhead. "Then I stabbed
myself with it."
"How deeply did you thrust?"
"Pretty deep." She shuddered. She hadn't realized how much it would hurt.
Every breath had moved things inside her, things that had pressed against the
edge of the knife. She'd cried out. "I pulled out the knife quickly."
The pain had only gotten worse.
"Who found you?"
"Kasumi." Even now, part of her regretted the lack of discipline that had
allowed her to make so much noise. No one would have come in time otherwise.
Kasumi had thrust open the door to the dojo and screamed. Somehow, her scream
had hurt more than the knife had.
"They - Nabiki and Kasumi - they got me to the hospital very quickly. The
doctors there patched me up good."
"I'm glad." She looked at him, surprised. He went on. "How long were you
there?"
"A month in intesive care and recovery. Three months is the psychiatric
ward." A lot of her life, wasted in those sterile halls.
Sensei looked at her for a long while. "I hear facts, Akane-san. I don't
hear how it made you feel."
"Feel?" The anger, rising again. "I tried to kill myself! I no longer wanted
to live! How do you think I felt?"
"Tell me."
She leaped to her feet, the anger making her heart race. "I wanted to die!
I should have died, it should have been me!"
"Do you mean your suicide attempt should have succeeded?"
Akane flushed. "What else could I mean?"
His voice was gentle. "I don't know. Tell me."
She dropped back into the chair, her head in her hands, despair filling her.
"Ranma..."
"Who is Ranma?"
"My fiancee..." She would not cry again. She would not.
"Tell me about him."
Still covering her face, she shook her head.
The silence stretched. Finally he spoke up. "Our time is done for today,
Akane-san. Next time, I would like to know more about your fiancee."
She fumbled for her bag and fled the office.
***
Akane ran through the streets. She would not cry. She looked up at the sky
and saw, to her alarm, that cloulds were gathering. Please, not now.
She ran up to the front door of her house and stood for a moment, composing
herself. She wanted her family to think everything was okay. Everything *was*
okay.
She couldn't help looking at the gathering clouds. She bit her lip, and went
inside.
Again, dinner was waiting for her. She finished dinner without incident,
withstanding her father's curious glances. Kasumi chattered brightly,
maintaining a monologue that was mostly ineffective at lifting the dark mood
around the table.
Afterwards, she went to the dojo. She hadn't changed out of her school clothes,
but she wasn't much in the mood for working out anyway. She needed to, she
knew. She was going to inherit the dojo, after all. Tonight, though, her
feelings were in too much turmoil.
Ranma reached out his hand, just as nervous as he had been after they had left
Shinnosuke in the Higo Forest. Akane smiled and grabbed it. His face was
comedic in the frightened expressions that crossed it, but it finally settled
into a more or less content look. They were far enough away from the others
that they couldn't be seen, which Akane knew was important to Ranma. He
needed to be brought along slowly. Come to think of it, she probably wasn't
up to any public displays of affection, either. She looked up at him, his
muscular body glistening in the sunlight. She wondered if he would try to
kiss her. She wondered if she would try to kiss him. That made her blush.
It began to rain outside the dojo. Akane leaned against the wall, drawing
deep breaths. His body hadn't been glistening in the sun. She always tried
to remember it that way, but it had been overcast, grey, and dull. Darkening,
even.
She shook her head, fighting to keep the memories at bay. She needed to get
out of here. She ran out of the dojo, into the house, and into her room. She
fell on her bed, curled up, and remained there, sleeping only when exhaustion
overtook her at dawn.
***
"My father and Ranma's father agreed that Ranma would marry one of Father's
daughters. It was their intention that such a marriage would insure the
continued survival of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts." Akane
wondered where she had learned such a lecturing tone of voice. Probably from
one of her teachers at school. Or one of the doctors at the hospital.
Sensei leaned forward. "Why were you chosen over your sisters?"
Akane considered. How to explain Ranma's curse? The fact that her sisters
had forced her into the engagement, on the premise that since he was half a
girl, and Akane hated boys, there were best suited? It didn't fit, somehow,
with what she thought Sensei was trying to accomplish. "Ranma and I are the
same age. Besides, I was the best martial artist of us three. It seemed
logical."
"Logical to whom?"
"Logical to my sisters. And to me." She lowered her eyes as she said this.
Sensei thought a while before moving on. "How did Ranma react to the
engagement."
Akane laughed. "He hated it as much as I did. He thought I was an uncute,
unsexy tomboy. He told me that often enough."
"Do you believe that? Are you uncute?"
Akane thought about it for a long time. "For a while before Ranma moved in
with us, I had twenty or thirty boys fighting me every morning because they
wanted to go out with me."
This surprised the sensei. "Fighting you? Why would they fight you?"
Akane snorted. "Long story involving a very strange man in the class in front
of mine. Anyway, having that many men fighting over you is quite a good ego
booster. I was confident enough in my attractiveness not to let Ranma's
opinion worry me." Her face softened. "Once in a while, he'd let his guard
down, and he'd let me know what he really thought. Only a very few times,
and..." She trailed off.
There was just a touch of excitement in Sensei's otherwise soothing voice.
"And...?"
Akane shook her head very slightly. She didn't want to offend Sensei if she
could. "Well, he thought I was cute. Making him admit that he'd said it
afterwards was never easy."
"So what did you believe? That he found you unsexy, or that he thought you
were cute?"
Tears started to flow from her eyes. No sobbing, no sniffling, just water
streaming down her face. "He thought I'd died, once. He held my body in his
arms and said how sorry he was that he'd never gotten a chance to tell me that
he loved me."
Sensei's voice sounded a little doubtful. "That's not the same as telling you
that he loved you. It sounds as if he had grounds for avoiding admitting his
feelings to you."
Akane nodded violently. "Yes! That's exactly right. He denied saying it,
he never said it. I mean, I knew that he felt it, and he knew that he couldn't
really hide it, but he lacked the courage to actually say it. He was such
a jerk, an idiot, he thought he had all the time in the world to say it, he
never knew that time was running out, that he would leave me and he'd never
get the chance to say it..." She was talking faster and louder as she went
on. She ended by jumping up, her fists clenched at her sides, shouting up
at the ceiling, "RANMA NO BAKA!"
She had nothing left inside her. She tried to collapse back into her chair,
and nearly fell when she discovered the chair had been overturned when she'd
jumped to her feet. She righted the chair, sat in it, and stared at Sensei,
emotionally drained, her face wet.
Sensei was watching her carefully. They sat in silence for a long time,
trying to gather their respective thoughts.
Finally, he spoke. "How are you feeling right now, Akane-san?"
Akane thought on that for a while. The answer suprised her a little. "Better.
I feel a little better. It's as if I've been holding my breath for a while
and finally let it out."
He seemed to relax a little at that. "Good, that's very good, Akane-san.
You should not try to hold your feelings in, but instead let them out. It's
not necessarily going to make you feel better immediately, but it takes less
energy than shutting your emotions away. In the long run, it's healthier for
you."
Akane hugged herself. "Oh, Sensei, it's scary. I don't want to feel these
things. That's why I tried to kill myself, so I could stop feeling. It hurt
too much to feel. I could control it sometimes, but whenever the rain came,
the feelings would come back. Please, it took me so long to learn to shut
them off, do I have to let them loose again? Won't I just end up killing
myself?"
Sensei took a long time answering. "It seems almost trite to say this, but
you won't ever be able to feel pleasure again if you don't feel pain. Akane
the robot doesn't have much of a future in front of her. Akane the human
being can look forward to a happy life, if she can get past her current crisis.
That's why I am here. Trust me, Akane-san. We will get past this. I will
help you to deal honestly with your pain, bring it out of hiding where it will
eventually evaporate away. It will hurt for a while, of course. Let me help
you learn how to accept the hurt without killing yourself."
He looked at her, his face earnest, his eyes appealing, his voice strong.
"Do you trust me, Akane-san?"
She looked at him. She hardly knew him. Yet he was so different from the
hospital doctors, who seemed to be following a script when dealing with her.
He was listening, really listening, and had elicited responses in her she had
never expected. She realized that some part of her, for some reason, did
trust him. It felt good to trust someone besides Kasumi. "Yes, Sensei. I
trust you."
He smiled, with genuine warmth as far as Akane could tell. She realized that
trusting him meant trusting that his feelings were true, unlike the empty
smiles she'd received at the hospital. "Good! Thank you, Akane-san. Our
time is up for today. Next time, I would like to know why the rain would
frighten you so."
She started; she hadn't realized that she'd revealed that about herself. He
was very good, she was beginning to see that now.
She rose slowly and carefully straightened her school uniform, more to give
herself time to compose herself than anything else. She bowed to Sensei and
left. She wondered if she was going to tell him the truth about the rain.
She realized that she was going to, and that scared her.
She walked home quickly, wanting to eat and start on her homework and not
think about what had happened. She actually got home before dinner was ready,
and had time to clean herself up a little bit, so that it wasn't obvious that
she'd been crying.
She sat down at the dining table, looking at the two empty spots. "Weren't
Auntie and Uncle Saotome coming over?" She still called them that, even
though there was no longer going to be any family relationship between them.
Kasumi looked at her, and her smile dimmed a little. "Auntie called and said
they wouldn't be able to make it tonight. She didn't say why."
Akane looked closely at Kasumi. She guessed that Kasumi knew why, and wasn't
telling her. Probably, Akane guessed, they were too uncomfortable around her.
They had quickly moved out of the Tendo home after Ranma's funeral. Probably
Akane was a reminder of how much they had lost.
Akane sighed; she also made everyone uncomfortable with her mere presence.
The kids at school all treated her as if she was dangerous and fragile, and
no one ever raised their voice at her. For her part, she hadn't encouraged
them to try to talk to her, and spent most of her lunches eating alone, unless
there were clouds in the sky, in which case she ate in the classroom.
"Ranma, let's go for a walk down the beach." She was very nervous. She'd
been planning this for days now, but the actual execution had taken lots of
nerve. She used all of her strength to smile at him. "Let's take some lunch
and make an expedition out of it."
Ranma had looked at her in alarm. "Um...you didn't make the lunches, did
you?"
She grimaced, then stilled her face. She wasn't going to let his idiotic
comments deter her. "No, Kasumi made lunch for everyone. I just took enough
for you and me." She took a step closer to him, hoping he wouldn't hear how
fast her heart was beating. "What do you say?"
Ranma gulped. He licked his lips and looked around, as if trying to find an
escape. Akane resisted an urge to send him flying through the window.
Finally, he looked back at her, and his face softened ever so slightly. "All
right." His eyes immediately widened, as if he was surprised at his own
acquiesence.
Akane pounced before he found an excuse to back out. "Come on, then." She
whirled and ran to the door, grabbing a bag with their lunch in it. She stood
there, waiting for him to come with her.
"Now?" He looked around. Their families were in the other room, watching a
newscaster on television. "Shouldn't we tell them where we're going?"
"Why?" The last thing she wanted was for everyone to make a scene, Father in
particular, although Ranma's mother wouldn't be far behind. "We can take
care of ourselves."
"Okay." Ranma visibly gathered himself, then joined her as she headed out the
door to the beach.
Akane shook herself, trying to keep the memories from continuing. If only
she'd let Ranma tell everyone that they were leaving. They would have found
out what everyone was watching on television. Her whole life would have been
different.
One of the very few things she had learned at the hospital, however, was not
to play games of "what-if". What had happened was what had happened, and
no matter how hard you wished, it wasn't going to change. That had been
difficult to accept. She'd come across so many magical potions and bizarre
items, she expected someone to produce a mirror or something that would let
her go back in time and change things. Nobody had. Shampoo, Mousse and
Cologne had quietly packed up and gone pack to China. If anyone could have
done something, it would have been Cologne.
Akane stared at her empty rice bowl, realizing she'd been holding it in front
of her for some time now. She was beginning to lose her focus again. Memory
was leading into memory; she was losing time in the process. This was
frightening. More and more, she was beginning to behave like she had before
the suicide attempt.
She put down her bowl and looked around. Kasumi and her father were watching
her, not saying anything but clearly very worried. She gave them a wan smile
and excused herself.
She went to her room and dived into her homework with a passion. Somehow, it
didn't shut everything out like it had before. The walls were cracking. She
wasn't sure what was going to happen when they finally broke down.
***
"Tell me about the rain, Akane-san."
Akane fidgeted on the chair. She'd been trying to prepare herself for the
last three days, but it didn't seem to help now. She jumped up and went to
the window. It was clear outside now.
"The forecast says there are storms on the way. They'll hit us on Monday."
She always kept track of the long and short term forecasts. "They may be
very bad."
"And were the storms bad on the day your fiancee died?"
Akane's chest tightened. She didn't want to remember this. "It was dark and
gloomy when Ranma and I were walking down the beach. This was during our
summer break, when our families went to the beach together. It was very
windy, and there was a very light rain, mostly mist." Not enough to trigger
Ranma's change. They'd been wearing rain jackets, and she had brought an
umbrella for him as well. "The ocean waves were very high, and violent. We
admired them." We were fools, she said to herself.
She remembered how her own nervous energy about being alone with Ranma, far
away from the others, had blinded her to what was happening around her. She
suspected the same had been true for Ranma. "We went a lot further than I
had planned." They had kept walking, not talking much, the nervousness making
them walk fast, even hand in hand. "Eventually the wind was so bad, the waves
so high, we climbed up some rocks on a small cliff to get away from them."
They had seen the signs which said "Private Property" and had ignored them.
It seemed a small price to pay just to enter the small cove, somewhat protected
from the increasing rain. Ranma had held the umbrella at various angles, but
his change seemed inevitable, something neither one of them had really wanted
to happen. "We found a pretty good place, with some rocks between us and the
ocean, with enough room for us to eat lunch." But just barely; they had needed
to get very close, their shoulders and legs touching each other, the lunch
spread on their laps. The physical contact had been exciting for her. She
had felt him trembling just a little, and she'd suspected it wasn't because of
the wind.
"We ate our lunches and talked for a while." She had sensed that Ranma was
trying to work up the nerve to kiss her. She'd felt a little scared, but also
quite eager. In fact, a little impatient, to the point where she had
considered initiating the act herself. "Eventually, we noticed how dark it
had become, even though it was noon. And the surf was more and more violent,
and the rain was coming down harder." Actually, what had made them take
notice was a violent gust of wind that had brought enough rain into their
protected place to finally turn Ranma female. That had brought to an end all
thoughts of kissing. "We got up and looked at the sky. It was dark, violent,
and darker clouds were coming. The rain was coming down, hard and almost
vertical. We decided to go back."
She stopped. She'd been trying to find comfort in the clear skies outside
the windows, but more and more the dark skies of her nightmares were
superimposing themselves onto reality. She closed her eyes and turned around.
She opened them to look at Sensei, who was still sitting in his chair, his
face thoughtful, warm, and calm all at once. He had great expressions; she
was coming to love that about him.
She moved back to her chair and sat down, leaning forward, her hands in her
lap. "It was too late, we waited too long." Her courage was leaving her.
She'd used up too much to get this far. She couldn't continue.
He looked at her for several minutes, waiting for her to go on. Finally, she
had to shake her head to let him know this was as far as she could go. He'd
sighed, not impatiently but regretfully. He leaned forward himself. "What
was it that you had waited too long for?"
She blinked; what an odd question. She chewed her lip for a while, and
finally was able to force out, "He died." That was absolutely it. She
had no more strength left.
He tilted his head and watched her for another minute. Finally, he glanced
at the clock. "We have not used up all of our time, but I don't see what more
we can accomplish today. I will charge you for only half the time. We are
getting closer, Akane-san, but not in the way you think."
Akane was surprised. Surely the point of this exercise was to get her to
talk about how Ranma had died. "What do you mean, Sensei? Closer to what?"
He smiled at her. "Next time, Akane-san. Think on it and see if you can
tell me when next we meet."
She sighed and made her exit. He was building up to something. She couldn't
figure out what it might be. It was coming, she could sense it on the
horizon. She just hoped she would survive it.
***
Akane sat in her room, hugging a pillow. The storm was just as bad as they
had predicted. She could hear it outside, the wind blowing, the rain pelting
the window. Just a storm, a bad storm for certain. The forecasters had
taken great pains to assure everyone that it wasn't a typhoon, nothing like
what had struck the Japan coast a few months ago.
Akane began rocking herself. She hadn't acted like this since the hospital.
Whenever she had, someone had come and given her some medication to make her
stop. She could almost wish for it again. It had taken away her ability to
feel anything. That would be an advantage right now.
She gathered her courage, stopped rocking, and put down the pillow. She
glanced at the calendar; two days until she saw Sensei again. She wished he
was here now. She sat at her desk, opened her drawer, and put his business
card in the center of the desktop. He had an emergency phone number written
on it. He had encouraged her to call him if she felt the need. She had
thanked him, anticipating that she would never need to. She wanted to now.
It wouldn't be polite to bother him. She could handle this. It was just a
storm. She could hold on for two more days.
She looked around her room. Her eyes fell on the framed picture she had on
the wall over her bed, of her, Ranma, and lots of other people at the beach.
It was a Christmas present from Ranma. She went over to it and studied it
for a long time. She longed to go back to that time, when everything
seemed so carefree, when her only worry had been to keep Ranma from making too
big an idiot out of himself.
She felt her eyes begin to water. She wouldn't mind if he made an idiot out
of himself daily, if only he would come back to her.
His face was tiny in the picture. She had to strain to make out its details.
That scared her; she was beginning to forget what he looked like. She looked
around, but she knew she didn't have any other pictures of him. There was one
in his shrine, at the Saotome home. She could go see that.
Her mind made up, she picked up the phone in her room. Surely they wouldn't
mind.
Uncle Saotome answered. "Hello?" His voice sounded strangely hopeful.
She tried to force some cheefulness into her voice. "Uncle Saotome! This is
Akane. Good evening."
"Oh, good evening, Akane." There were traces of disappointment in his voice.
"What can I do for you?"
She frowned; that was a little abrupt. Still, he was a gruff man, more so
after his son's death. "I was wondering..." This was an awkward question.
"I wanted to visit Ranma's shrine. Tonight, please, if I could."
There was a long silence on the other end. She began to feel desperate.
"Please, Uncle, it would help me a lot. I...I really feel a need to see him
tonight."
She could hear him swallow. "His mother has his shrine."
Akane's eyebrows drew together. Of course his mother did. What did he mean?
"Could I see it?"
She heard him sigh. "Nodoka and I are getting a divorce. She left the house
and took the shrine with her. She didn't tell me where she's staying. I am
sorry."
Akane dropped the phone. No. Oh please no. She leaned over her desk, her
hands pressed flat on the surface. She couldn't breathe.
Not them, not his mother and father, please. Not them too.
She was trembling violently. Her chest was tight, her heart being squeezed.
She felt her mind slipping. The pain was coming through in horrible waves,
crashing over her, drowning her.
Without conscious thought, she was outside in the rain, struggling to put on
her coat. The wind shoved at her, the winded pelted her face. She ran
blindly through it.
Ranma shook herself, obviously annoyed at being turned female. She looked at
Akane and grimaced. "We'd better go back, Akane. They'll be worried about
us."
Akane nodded and gathered their things. It was difficult, since the wind was
picking up, even in the relatively sheltered area they had found. She got
everything in the bag at last, and turned to follow Ranma back down to the
beach.
Ranma was looking down the small distance to the beach, a grim look on her
face. Akane looked over her shoulder.
The beach was gone.
It its place, the ocean had risen, the winds blowing the waves violently
against the rocks of the small cliff. Protected as they had been from the
storm, they had also not seen the storm tide rising.
Akane and Ranma looked at each other. Ranma spoke quietly. "We're in
a lot of trouble."
They both looked up. The cliff continued up for another ten meters or so.
Not so great a distance to climb. Akane grimaced; not so great when the sun
was out, the wind calm, and the rocks dry. Not so great when to fall didn't
mean you fell between the pounding ocean and the unforgiving rocks.
They looked at each other again. Ranma sounded very grim. "We don't have
much of a choice. I don't think we can stay here."
Akane nodded; the wind was getting worse, and she could already feel the spray
of some of the waves as they crashed against the cliff. It wouldn't be long
before the water covered this ledge. She looked regretfully at the bag. She
would have to leave it behind.
Akane examind the cliff closely. There seemed to be easy handholds all the
way up. She plotted a course and pointed it out to Ranma. She nodded.
"Okay, Akane, you go first. I'll follow right behind you."
Akane looked at Ranma for a moment, feeling like she should say something.
Her courage failed her, though, and instead she went to the cliff face and
grabbed a handhold. She set her feet and lifted herself up.
Outside the protection of their ledge, the wind beat on her in earnest. She
cried out. It felt like a living thing, something that wanted to pull her
off the cliff. She took a couple of deep breaths and lifted herself up again.
It was a painstaking process. She would set her feet, reach up and grab
something, lift a leg, find a foothold, push herself up, find another place
to set her other foot, move her other hand. The cliff offered plentiful places
to put a foot or hand. It was the wind that made it difficult, filling every
space between her and the cliff and exerting remarkable force.
Akane moved slowly upwards, making slow but steady progress. The wind was
an incredible thing, becoming stronger than she could have ever imagined.
Every time she lifted herself up, she had to fight to make sure the wind didn't
blow her completely off the face of the cliff. And it was still getting
stronger.
After an incredibly long period of time, Akane had looked up to see grass right
above her. This was going to be difficult. The grass wasn't going to provide
as solid a handhold as the rockface had. She reached up and felt along the
clifftop. She didn't feel anything besides grass. She dug her fingers into
the soil, then moved her foot up. Finding a good, solid foothold, she pushed
up.
She nearly lost it. Lifting part of her torso up exposed her to the full force
of the wind. It pushed her back, and her hand slipped in the grass. For a
sickening moment, she was sure she was dead. The wind suddenly turned into an
unexpected ally, changing direction to push her towards the clifftop. She
reached her other hand up and dug it into the grass. Pawing with her hands
and practically jumping with her feet, she managed to bring her whole body over
the top of the cliff.
She had no time to celebrate. Still lying on the grass, she turned herself
so that her head and shoulders were over the top of the cliff. She looked
down at Ranma. Ranma was still about two meters from the cliff top. As she
tried to lift herself up the cliff, Akane immediately saw her problem. She
was smaller than Akane in this form, and lighter as well. The wind which
was dangerous to Akane was deadly to Ranma. Ranma had to move shorter
distances up the cliff to compensate. Her face was filled with determination,
but Akane could see the fear as well.
Akane's mind raced for an answer. None of Ranma's special techniques would
be particularly effective now. Ryoga's Breaking Point might have been helpful
down on the ledge; they might have just burrowed their way up. If they hadn't
just brought the cliff down on their heads in the process.
Akane looked quickly around. There was a house some hundred meters away. She
might be able to run there, grab some rope, come back, and lower it to Ranma.
Akane felt the wind racing along her body, though, and knew that she didn't
nearly have enough time, even if she could find rope quickly. The issue would
be decided long before then.
Akane looked down at Ranma and felt her chest tighten. Ranma was no longer
moving; she was just gripping the rocks in an effort to hang on. Akane reached
her arm down as far as she dared, but she was still a good meter from Ranma's
nearest hand. "Ranma!" She couldn't even hear herself. Maybe it was a
coincidence, put Ranma looked up. Their eyes met, and Akane saw fear in
Ranma...and even worse, resignation.
"Ranma! Reach up! Just climb a little farther, you can do it!" Akane still
couldn't make out her own words in the wind and rain, but Ranma seemed to
understand. She moved her foot, found a foothold. She lifted herself up, and
for a moment the wind grabbed her. It pushed her to the side, so that she had
to quickly find new handholds. She lost a couple of decimeters in the process.
Akane edged herself over so that she was directly above Ranma again. She
strained herself, but Ranma was still a meter away, perhaps a little less.
Ranma looked up again, her face no longer showing fear, but rather sadness.
"Don't give up, Ranma!" Akane reached down further, letting more of herself
hang over the edge. For a moment she lost her balance, and had to quickly
pull her hands up to keep from falling over.
Ranma saw this, and shouted something at Akane. Akane couldn't make it out,
but she could guess that Ranma was telling her to move back from the edge.
There was simply no way Akane was going to leave this cliff without Ranma.
Settling herself as best she could, Akane reached out her hand again.
Ranma sighed. She looked down and seemed to mumble a prayer. She looked up
at Akane, and shouted something, very loudly. Akane still couldn't hear her.
Akane shook her head and strained her fingers, trying to reach as close as she
could to Ranma.
Ranma looked up at Akane and smiled. It was a simple smile, and she looked
happy. She said something, not shouting, simply saying it. Then Ranma
braced herself against the rockface, bent her knees as much as she could, and
jumped up.
It might have worked from a ledge, but against the rockface, Ranma had pushed
out as much as up. Ranma strained to try and grab Akane's outstretched hand,
but her own momentum carried her away from the cliff. Then the wind grabbed
her, and flung her viciously down out of Akane's sight.
Akane's mouth hung open. This was not possible. Ranma couldn't die. He'd
faced death so many times before, and he'd always won. He'd always found a
way to exploit the enemy's weakness, to use the slimmest hope to achieve
victory. It was simply a fact, Ranma could not be killed.
Unbidden to her mind came the thought that, in the fury of the storm, Ranma
had finally found an enemy with no weaknesses.
Akane shifted herself along the edge of the cliff, trying to get a view of the
ocean below. It was possible that the tide had risen enough that Ranma had
merely fallen into the ocean. He - she - was an excellent swimmer, and if
she could escape the rocks, she might be able to swim to a safe beach.
Akane tried so see through the gloom of the storm and the sheets of rain.
She thought she saw something moving in the waves. She watched that area of
the water and saw it. It was Ranma. With black hair. Male.
She watched as Ranma's body submerged once more into the ocean.
Akane ran through the streets of Nerima, the cold rain of the storm mixing
with her hot tears. He couldn't be gone. He was gone, buried. They had found
her after the typhoon had passed, still lying on the cliff, suffering from
exposure. They'd found Ranma much later, well down the coast. They hadn't let
her see his body.
She sobbed. She'd never known what he had said to her, his last words on the
cliff. Ranma couldn't be gone, if was still here, his parents wouldn't be
getting divorced. He had to come back, he had to make things better.
She found a railway overpass. She ran across it, stopping at the middle.
She shouted Ranma's name to the wind and rain. Surely his spirit was there,
would come back to her. Nothing answered her.
She looked up at the high fence that ran along the overpass. It would be easy
to climb. Or better yet, she could just attack it until it collapsed. Then
she could jump. It had to be ten or fifteen meters to the ground. Surely that
was fatal. Maybe she should wait for a train to come. Then she could join
Ranma.
She stared at the ground, shivering uncontrollably. Why was she hesitating?
Here was the simple answer to all her problems. The end of pain, the reunion
with Ranma. All this could be hers within a minute or so. What was she afraid
of?
She ran her fingers through her hair, only then realizing that she had something
clutched in her hand. Looking, she found her sensei's business card, a little
worse for the wear for being crumpled in her hand during a storm, but still
legible.
She stared at it for a long minute, trying to remember picking it up from the
desk. She must have done so for a reason. And maybe she should listen to the
part of her that had taken it with her.
Slowly, almost reluctantly, she left the overpass to find a telephone booth.
***
For the first time, Sensei looked unruffled. His hair was messy, his clothes
rumpled, his expression slightly tense. The sight of her waiting at his office
had brought him obvious relief. The sat in their usual places, Akane still
wearing her coat, dripping water over everything, not caring.
His voice was as soothing as ever, as if it ignored the state of the rest of
his body. "Akane-san, what happened?"
She looked down, ashamed. "I nearly killed myself again tonight."
He looked briefly out the window. "Was it because of the storm?"
Akane looked out the window herself, watching it rage. "I don't know. Partly."
"Why?"
"It just...reminds me. Reminds me that Ranma's dead because of me."
His voice sharpened a little. "Surely they told you in the hospital that you
cannot be blamed for that. As well blame the leaf that fell in America that
caused the typhoon."
Akane let out an impatient breath. "I know, I know. I understand, things like
that, you can't assign blame. I believe it, I really do. It's just that,
sometimes, I forget."
"And what times are those, Akane-san?"
She frowned, trying to remember, trying to tie a pattern together. "I don't
know. Just sometimes."
"What made you forget tonight?"
She had to sift through the events of the night. They were so intermixed with
her memories of Ranma's death, it was hard to separate them. Finally, she
remembered. "I learned tonight that Ranma's mother and father are getting
divorced."
"Ah." He seemed to understand, which was curious, since she didn't understand
herself.
She shot him a hard glance. "You know something. Explain it to me."
"Akane-san, you have explained it to me. Why would the knowledge of his
parent's divorce affect you so deeply?"
"Because..." She realized she wasn't sure. "Because they wouldn't be getting
divorced if Ranma was still alive."
"You can't know that for sure, Akane-san. What else?"
"I don't know!" She was desperate, pleading. "Tell me, Sensei!"
"You must find your own answers, Akane. I can only guide you. Why would the
knowledge of the divorce upset you?"
She drew a deep breath and closed her eyes. She tried to remember how she had
felt. Uncle Saotome, sounding hopeful then disappointed. Tonelessly telling
her of his divorce. The end of their marriage. The end of their love.
Her eyes opened wide. "They aren't in love anymore."
His eyes crinkled. "Close, very close. How does the end of their love affect
you?"
She looked down at her hands. She spoke in almost a whisper. "I was in love.
I still am in love. But I won't ever know his love again. Just like his
parents will never know love again."
His voice was patient, prodding. "Again, close, Akane-san. Why does the
knowledge that Ranma will never show you love again bother you."
She touched at the knot of anger inside her, probing for its source. "Because
he never told me. Never told me he loved me. Never kissed me, never publicly
accepted our engagement. We were so close. But it never happened, and it
never will happen, because he didn't have the courage."
His voice sounded a little sad. "Ah, Akane-san, you are deceiving yourself.
The answer you seek is there, the source of all your pain. Try again to find
it."
She looked up at him, at his almost smiling lips, his warm and understanding
eyes, his expression that somehow was a gentle command to be completely honest.
No one else could have done it, not even Kasumi. He got through to her. Her
walls crumbled at last, and the truth was laid bare.
"It's not him at all. It's me. I never had the courage. I never said that
I loved him. I had a whole year to tell him, and I waited too long. He's
gone forever, and he never knew how much I loved him."
Relief and gratitude colored his features. "Yes, Akane-san, that's it. You
have found your answer."
She started to cry. She couldn't help it, and realized that she didn't want
to stop herself. She covered her face with her hands and her whole body shook
with the force of her sobs. After a moment, she felt Sensei put a hand on her
back, and she reached out and clutched him to her, crying into his chest. He
gently patted her hair, and quietly encouraged her to let it all out.
It did all come out, sooner than she expected. She stobbed sobbing, then
crying. She was still sniffling, and she lifted herself away from Sensei.
He immediately offered her a handkerchief, which she used to clean herself up.
She looked at him, trying to express her gratitude. "Thank you, Sensei." The
words didn't seem enough.
He seemed to understand, as always. He bowed his head slightly, then spoke.
"Now, let me give you something to consider, which I hope you will believe to
be true. Ranma knew that you loved him. Love does not have to be spoken to
be felt and acknowledged by both people. I have witnessed the depths of your
feelings, and they are strong, indeed. You simply cannot hide your feelings,
which is good, and healthy. Ranma knew how you felt, and if the depths of
your feelings for each other triggered defense mechanisms that attempted to
blunt the force of your emotions, those mechanisms could not succeed in hiding
how much you loved each other."
Akane didn't know how to take it. It sounded good, it sounded right. She took
his words and filed them for future consideration. She was sorely tempted to
accept them as the truth. She hoped she could.
She looked at Sensei again, and somehow knew that, with his help, she would
come to believe them.
***
Akane entered the house, shaking off her coat as much as possible. She had
walked slowly through the diminishing storm, hardly noticing it. She had a
lot to think about.
Kasumi practically ran to the foyer, her face filled with anxiety that was only
partially replaced with relief. "Akane! Thank heavens you're home! I was
so worried about you."
Akane smiled at her, not a phony smile meant to placate her, but a genuine
smile full of warmth. "Thank you, Kasumi. It has helped me more than you
can imagine to know that you would always be looking out for me. I had a
hard time there for a while, but I talked with Sensei for a while, and he
got me through it."
She walked over to Kasumi and cupped Kasumi's face with her hands. "You don't
have to worry about me anymore, Kasumi, I promise. There will never again be
a repeat of the incident in the dojo. I'm not saying that all my problems are
solved, not by a long shot. But thanks partially to you, I'm over the worst
of it."
Ksumi studied her for a long while. Akane felt relaxed;not exactly happy,
but no longer tense or unfeeling. Kasumi seemed to sense this, and finally
smiled back at Akane. "Oh, Akane-chan, that makes me so happy." They hugged
for a while, finding a release in their embrace.
Akane disentanled herself, smiled one last time at Kasumi, then went upstairs.
She got out her calculus book and turned to the page of her problem set. This
promised to be a long night of working out integrals, which used to please her.
Now it was a chore again, but Akane took that as a good sign.
Before beginning, she looked one last time out at the storm. It was at its
end, the rain more a mist than anything else. When morning came, it would
be beautiful. Akane grabbed her alarm clock and set it so that she could
watch the sunrise.
She knew that, in the dawn's warm embrace, she would find Ranma again.
With a slight smile on her lips, she began her homework.
___________________________________________________
AUTHOR'S AFTERWORD
There were two sources of inspiration for this story, one negative, one
positive.
The negative inspiration was "Ranma 2096, Part One". I'm not saying I hate this
story; it's actually pretty good. What I hated (*WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS
AHEAD*) was Akane's suicide. Ranma was killed, so Akane jumped to her death.
I hated that, I really did. What most people don't realize is that suicide is
actually a plea for help. Most people who try to kill themselves don't really
want to succeed. It seemed particularly bad since my vision of the Tendo
family was one of a father and three sisters who loved each other and looked
out for one another. If Akane was feeling suicidal, surely someone would have
intervened long before she succeeded since, as I stated before, Akane really
wouldn't have truly wanted to kill herself, she just wanted someone to help
her. The story's suicide was just a bit of a cheap parlor trick, a quick and
easy way to create a dark atmoshphere in an otherwise good series of stories.
It disturbed me profoundly, since suicide is very serious, and not at all
consistent with my vision of Akane's strength of character.
This got me to thinking. I finally decided that I had to write a fanfic for
myself to explore this topic, one that killed Ranma and had Akane try to kill
herself. It would find a logical reason for the suicide attempt, but would
also deal with how Akane was able to pull herself back together - with help.
The positive inspiration was one of my favorite movies, "Ordinary People". If
you've ever seen it (and if you haven't, rent it *NOW*, cuddle up with a loved
one, and bring lots of tissues), you'll probably noticed that I pretty much
ripped off the whole plot. In fact, this could be considered a "Ranma/Ordinary
People" crossover. Still, I hope I added enough unique elements that this
isn't pure plagiarism. I think I have; I'd like your thoughts as well.
So there you have it. You might consider this to be a reactionary piece of
fan fiction. That's certainly what motivated me to write it. I think it
stands on its own merits, but I would *very* much like to know your thoughts
on it. Email me at sterman@sprynet.com
-Richard D. Lawson
7/1/96
