John \"Firehawke\" Peasley submitted for our approval:
Unlimited Moment --- Prelude Chapter ZERO
The tallest building caught John's eye. He peered at it through
the rain. The faint markings on the building were burned into his mind
forever... Genom... This was MegaTokyo!
Only one problem with this: I don't remember there being any 'Genom' signs
on the outside of Genom Tower (like there's a really big AD Police sign down
the side of ADP HQ)
How had he gotten into an anime?
Probably the same way many many other folks got into *their* fan fics ; )
Or... could this be real? The MegaTokyo John knew was a thriving world,
protected by the Knight Sabers and AD Police. Why was this so... dead?
Buildings rubble, nobody around... seems pretty dead to me <g>
The whole scene lying before his eyes was overwhelming. He shivered, the
eerie desolation making him nervous. He looked down, rubbing his arms.
<It's cold.. What happened here?>
It's January! (no? oh well...)
He noticed a small computer expension card sitting by his foot. The card
expansion card
John reached down and picked up the card. It was still intact and
completely undamaged.
Is saying that something is intact *and* undamaged redundant?
He looked quickly around for the closest shelter from
the rain. About 10 meters away, a building sat, fairly intact. His mind was
set.
Oh, how convenient. Is there a great big 633 on the side of it? <g>
He sprinted to the building and forced the metal door open. The musty smell
of an ancient tomb rushed to his nostrils, causing him to wince slightly.
nice
The terminal came to life, displaying a still logged-in account. John
studied all the login information. Sylia Stingray was the last user.. and
she'd been logged in for... 30 years. <My god... The city has been dead for
30 years...>
No amazement that he's actually *in* the BGC universe? That he's just
confirmed that he's in 633? That he's in Sylia's computer room? That Sylia
hasn't been here for 30 years?
There's been at least 1 'fic where the insertee got zapped to MegaTokyo in
the correct year, but it turned out it was an alternate universe where,
while the individual people existed, the KS had never been formed.
John shivered. Spending several hours on the terminal, he was able to at
last piece together the final hours of MegaTokyo. The Knight Sabers had
been killed, except for Sylia, on a suicide mission. She was wounded badly
enough that she'd never be able to fight again.
Perhaps that should be past tense: 'she'd never been able to fight again'
Several years passed, the
boomer rampages becoming more and more violent. They turned against and
destroyed Genom utterly. All of humanity was helpless to stop the advance.
In one final battle, all life on the planet was destroyed, but all of the
boomers were destroyed as well.. a dead planet remaining.
Ah -- you didn't say this was going to be a Gall Force crossover too! :)
"Knight Sabers, if you read this message, it means I was taken out in the
line
of duty.
Uck. 'taken out in the line of duty' doesn't sound very much like Sylia.
Besides, she *could* have died for any number of reasons, not just on duty.
But this recording sort of implies that the message is played only if she is
killed on the job. So, I think she'd say something like '...if you are
reading this message, I have died.'
I'm sorry I had to leave you, my friends, but we all die
eventually. Contained
within this file is instructions and help on how to repair and build new
hardsuits.
Without me, you'll be doing this by yourselves.
Yeesh. Full of herself, isn't she <g>
He shivered and mumbled, "My only way out is to build a hardsuit and to try
to
interface that card to it..."
How does he know that interfacing a suit to the card will help him?
Leaving the terminal, he walked back to the intersection and down the dark
corridor. His footsteps echoed into his mind, the death march of an entire
population weighting his soul. At the end of the corridor, another metal
security door lay. Shattered. He stepped over the remains of the door and
into the room beyond.
OK - Sylia says 'let us begin', so he pauses the recording and goes for a
stroll? Perhaps you should consider adding a line about Sylia telling him
what parts are needed and where to find them?
ABOUT 30 MINUTES LATER...
John looked disgustedly at the hologram. He'd looked over the entire
building
several times, and not a single part was found. Things were not going his
way.
Thrown from his home into a dead universe, forced to wear a WOMAN'S
hardsuit to escape, and not a scrap of food or help anywhere! This was
humilliating. John sighed and looked back to the hologram, unpausing it.
Being thrown onto a dead planet ( where does it say the whole *universe* is
dead?) isn't humiliating. No food or help isn't humiliating. I'm not sure
I like this guy's attitude very much............
He opened the expansion area on his chest, and inserted the half card, half
expecting another explosion. He was wrong. The computer merely studied the
card
and printed a readout on it. <Wow! Talk about plug'n'play!>
The readout was astonishing-- the card had been DESIGNED for hardsuits!
How come he's surprised the card is for a hardsuit? You've only had him
muttering about how he needs to interface the card with the hardsuit for the
entire chapter 0.
It
was a 'warpcard'. With it, a hardsuit pilot could switch universes in a
flash.
And how does he know about such things?
This
experience
was completely new to him, yet oddly titillating.
A guy is wearing a female suit. I'm not goint to say it... it's too
easy.... <evil grin>
He was about 50 feet from the building when
his sixth
sense buzzed a warning at him. He ignored it, knowing that the world was
dead.
Nothing was there to harm him.
Smart boy <yah right>
Hoped you liked it so far.. C&C, people!
Please, no flames though. If you think John is too powerful,
then tell me so I can fix it.
OK, I've had my fun.
There are several things I've suggested that I think you should consider,
and you need to run your spellchecker. But, all in all, this is a fairly
decent first draft. I think it's worth continuing : )
Jeanne Hedge
jhedge@waterw.com ==================== 75512.1214@compuserve.com
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea
of any man I ever met." - Abraham Lincoln
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