On Fri, 28 Jun 1996, John "Firehawke" Peasley wrote:

Before I begin:

I'd like to make a quick plug for this particular format:  block
paragraphs with blank lines between paragraphs.  I find it much easier to
read with my screens than the tab-indented paragraphs without newlines
between paragraphs.  For example:

  ***

	[Scene:  A partially lit theater.  Sitting in the front row are
three people:  a red-headed girl with short hair, a boy with short brown
hair (somewhat disarrayed), and a gorgeous brunette with long, straight
hair. All appear to be in their late teens or early twenties.  The redhead
is reading a book entitled _Calculus For Everyone_, while the brunette and
the guy whisper quietly to each other.]
	Man:  Hey, he's pretty late...
	Brunette:  It sure looks like it.  Are you sure we're supposed to
be here?  It seems pretty strange, that we should just show up for a
screening with someone we've never met before. 
	Man:  You're right.  Maybe it was just another one of Kasamatsu's
pranks...

  ***

I find that harder to read than:

  ***

[Scene:  A partially lit theater.  Sitting in the front row are three
people:  a red-headed girl with short hair, a boy with short brown hair
(somewhat disarrayed), and a gorgeous brunette with long, straight hair.
All appear to be in their late teens or early twenties.  The redhead is
reading a book entitled _Calculus For Everyone_, while the brunette and
the guy whisper quietly to each other.]

Man:  Hey, he's pretty late...

Brunette:  It sure looks like it.  Are you sure we're supposed to be here? 
It seems pretty strange, that we should just show up for a screening with
someone we've never met before.

Man:  You're right.  Maybe it was just another one of Kasamatsu's
pranks...

  ***

The big thing for me is the extra space between paragraphs.  The tabs are
less important (it's just that I think 8 spaces is too much on an
80-column screen).

HOWEVER, since you're the one writing and not me, it's just food for
thought.  Besides--I have perl scripts to change from one format to the
other. :)

[...]

With an audible ring, the old-fashioned steel clock sitting atop the 
computer began
to protest the fact that John was still sleeping.

It's good that these lines are wrapped, but it looks like they got munged
un-nicely in this (and a few other places).  I know I'm just being picky
and perfectionistic--ignore me if you want!

[...]

blearily opened a bloodshot eye. One glance at the clock explained it all, 
and an instant later the clock was introduced to Mr. Wall one more time, 
denting it yet again. The ringing stopped.

Err.... Mr. Wall or Mr. Clock?

[...]

the PC. <Hmm.. Ryu VS Sagat.. A good battle.. I bet my odds on Ryu.>

Perhaps... ".. I bet on Ryu." instead?

[...]

kitchen. Opening the refridgerator didn't reveal any Dew in the house, much 

I think it's refrigerator (I know... that d belongs in there
somewhere....). 

to John's chagrin. <Ohno! We're out of 'Spew! AARGH!!! I can't start my 
morning without my 'Spew!>

Hehe...

[...]

warily around.. "What, no sirens? No flashing red lights?"

They never warn you, do they?

[...]

The Void between universes is not quite the empty nothingness it is
believed to be. Forces beyond most beings contend here for supremacy
over the others. Some are mindless, some are not, and some are not even
able to be described on those terms.

[...]

Only one man has ever actually tried to enter this area. The powerful
energies there are random and capricious. Only the insane would attempt 
such a
feat. Or perhaps...someone with no choice at all....

I like the homage to _Twisted Path_.  However, my mind keeps screaming to
complete the section with:

"This is not his story."

[...]

His eyes opened to a dark blur. Slowly, everything focused among his 
vision. A dead metropolis, crumbling, lied all around him. Building after 
building, shattered, crumbling, lie in silent testamony to the death of 
this city. The tallest building caught John's eye. He peered at it through 
the rain. The faint markings on the building were burned into his mind 
forever... Genom... This was MegaTokyo! How had he gotten into an anime? 
Or... could this be real? The MegaTokyo John knew was a thriving world, 
protected by the Knight Sabers and AD Police. Why was this so... dead?

I like the way that this is a little different than a lot of "Entering the
BGC universe" intros... I guess that's helped 'cause John's not exactly
entering the BGC universe as we know it. :)


[...]

John punched up another file marked "Sylia's Emergency Design Note" in 
curiousity. A voice started behind him and he jumped out of the seat.

>From behind him, a holographic image of a remarkable woman stood regally,
her deep eyes seemingly looking into his soul. He shivered, recognizing her
immediately. Sylia.

This added part about the hardsuit design crash course was a good addition
to the first version (presuming my memory hasn't failed and it wasn't in
the original).  I thought it helped.

"Knight Sabers, if you read this message, it means I was taken out in the 

Would Sylia say "taken out in the line of duty?"  Admittedly, my
understanding of BGC is weak, but maybe something more formal?

[...]

Another issue thwapped at his consciousness. <John, this world is dead. 
There's
no food anywhere. If you don't find a way out of here, you're dead.>

He shivered and mumbled, "My only way out is to build a hardsuit and to try 
to
interface that card to it..."

Hm... what about that terminal he's sitting at?  I guess I'm being
stick-in-the-mud-ish.  What would you think of the sequence:
	a) John finds out what went on, maybe finds sylia's message.
	b) John decides to get out of here, looks for parts or a computer.
	c) John finds that there aren't any computers, but there are
	   some promising hardsuits, but they don't work.  He remembers
	   hardsuit tutorial and goes back.

Hm... after rereading, that's kinda the sequence that *does* happen.  I
guess I'd go for a sequence where John didn't think that the hardsuit was
the only way out--he looks for others, first, and only remembers the
tutorial only after realizing that hardsuit gear is the only stuff that's
even got anything close to ISA/PCI on it.

[...]

Hoped you liked it so far.. C&C, people!

Liked it.

Please, no flames though. If you think John is too powerful,
then tell me so I can fix it.

[...]

I don't think he's too powerful.  He seems pretty human to me (puts on
hard suit, gets massive gut wound from boomer, barely escapes with his
life).  Then again, I don't care if someone's super-powered--I like
Twisted Path a *LOT*.  It's what you do with the super-powers that
matters.  

(My $.02 US on the authors in fanfic/superpowered in fanfic -- I think
some of the reasons that Twister's powers are more palatable are because: 
(a) Twister's enemies are strong enough to match (TP1), (b) Twister's
powers don't keep him from getting into those "bad situations" which make
Ranma funny (Natsumi in TP2, the whole Darlene thing in TP3) -- if
anything, they make it worse, (c) Other than the confrontation with the
main evil guy, Twister's usual use of his powers is as a joke or trick --
this compares to, say Q or Loki or such, (d) (someone mentioned this
previously) Darren's ego really does seem well removed from the whole
process--as "super-powered-dude", Twister really doesn't seem to be an ego
exercise.

If you're interested in replying to, or reading replies to, this part of
the message, and you don't want to spam it (yet another authors-in-fanfic
discussion), drop me a line and mention this (even if you just want to
listen in)--I'll pass around any replies I get, as well as any replies I
make, to the interested.  

NB:  If you send me a private reply, PLEASE mark if it's "private--don't
pass it along" or "private--feel free to pass it along" so I can Do The
Right Thing.)

bryan


--
Bryan K. Ogawa  II Infinitum  <><  On this account I speak for myself.
<bkogawa@netvoyage.net>       SDG  http://www.netvoyage.net/~bkogawa/