On Fri, 28 Jun 1996, The Tyrant Pax wrote:

Ok, well, here we go...



        Ok, After some thought, I have decided the completely change the
Character of Megumi Shirow. 
        No longer is he some omnipotent weapons master who is the Mr. Right
for every girl in Ranma. Well, now we have a completely revised and much more
interesting character, and a actual story.

Hmmm... so this is what he was before...  could be good but needs a 
little more work.  See below for comments.

[Snip!]

        End notes:

Well, so end the official origin of Megumi Shirow, and begins the story of
Ryoga's blessing/Curse.  I do hope the I knocked down Shirow's power down 
enough. Well, don't yell at me for the near killing of Shampoo....
Well, stay with me here people

Your idea of "toned-down" is interesting...  but then you started out by 
making him a "god".

Anyway...

The story is reasonably well written, but you'll need to work hard to 
make it a story about Ranma with SHirow as a regular as opposed to a 
story about Shirow with Ranma & co. as background.

Suggestions...

1>	In the scene where Ranma calls SHirow a thief and Shirow breaks 
his bonds, have Ranma punch Shirow through the wall afterwards, not 
cower.  I'd like to see the theif provoke Ranma and get pounded.
E.G.	Ranma punches Shirow through wall into pond.
	SHirow-chan appears, Ranma jumps to pond.
	SHirow-chan says the Treasure Hunter went that way (points)
	Ranma jumps in pond and Ranma-chan says shes after a thief
	Shirow-chan yells out treasure hunter and draws katana
	Ranma-chan punches Shirow-chan out.
	Akane comes out and beats on Ranma for picking on a girl.
Something along those lines (with appropriate dialogue) would (IMHO) be 
much better than the suave, unflappable, Shirow making Ranma back down.

2>	On SHirow's abilities - he's a sneak.  Make him good at running, 
hiding and other theif type stuff and cut back on the fighting ability.  
It would be better if 1-on-1 he was barely able to hold off Mousse or 
Shampoo, but could lose them in a race, and against Ranma or Ryouga all 
he could do was delay his inevitable defeat unless he found a way to 
flee.  Come up with a character that has to *think* a *little* bit.  It's 
been shown that Nabiki isn't that attracted to brawn, and the Shirow 
you've painted doesn't *NEED* to think.

3>	On the Amazon situation, it would be more useful if you kept 
Shampoo & Mousse in the dark about Shirow's curse and retained them as a 
menace rather than stressing how great Shirow is by taking them out in a 
fight.  Make SHirow use his head, not his fists.  And if Mousse & Shampoo 
are dealt with, doesn't that mean Cologne has to take a personnel 
interest in him instead of sending out lackeys?

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"The Major"                     |  "Funny Games, Strange Cartoons, Confusing
David Bateson                   |     Computers and too many Books!  No 
                                |     wonder you're weird."
major@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au     |       - My Sister.
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