MANUAL NOT INCLUDED
by Richard Lawson
Comments and Criticism feafully awaited!
sterman@sprynet.com
Two extremely powerful super-beings were lounging in front of their computers,
idly chatting away on IRC (Interdimensional Relay Channel).
#You know, this is boring. Nothing's been happening. We're all just saying
'Hi!' to each other and making very silly incoherent remarks.
#So what's wrong with that?
#It's not fun! We're into summer re-runs, the subbed version of GitS won't
be out for a month, and the two Earthlings I took as pets escaped. Let's do
something really weird.
#Okay. Shall we use that Ranma fellow again?
#Sure, why not. Say, let's have him switch bodies with someone. We can watch
the hilarious hijinks that are sure to result.
#Gee, that gag's got whiskers. But okay. Let's replace him with some loser.
#Okay. Hmm...here's one. Unimaginative. Not so bright. No love life.
Boring job. Spends all his time on the computer. Real pathetic.
#Perfect! What's his name?
#Richard D. Lawson.
#Okay...let me turn on the Switch-a-Roony machine... <zap> Hey, does he speak
Japanese?
#Oops. Forgot to check.
#Too late. Okay, switch to channel 476. This oughta be good.
MANUAL NOT INCLUDED
by Richard D. Lawson
Comments & Criticism fearfully anticipated!
sterman@sprynet.com
What a boring day. I'd gotten off work, gone home, thrown a frozen pizza into
the oven, then sat down in front of my computer. I was now hopping from
channel to channel on the IRC, trying to find intelligent conversation. As
always, it was proving to be a fruitless search.
I considered exercise. I looked at the SportRider I'd gotten six months ago,
still unassembled. Maybe I'd put it together after Voyager.
I stared back at the screen. Were there any other channels to go to? I'd
seen so many. Hmm...what's a Ranma? It had an explanation point after it, too.
Someone must like it. May as well type it in.
/JOIN #Ranma!
<zap>
Suddenly, I was on my hands and knees. My head was ringing, and I had no idea
why. I brought my hand to my head and groaned.
Plane crash. That's it. A plane crashed into the apartment building, except
I had blacked it out, and now I was trying to recover.
Someone said something to me. I had no idea what, just some meaningless
syllables. Must've been hit harder than I thought. Aphasia, that's what it
was. I looked up.
Three young women were staring at me. Three very cute Japanese young women.
Except they had abnormally big eyes, which was a little freaky. They looked
enough alike that they had to be sisters.
The one that looked to be the youngest also looked the angriest. She was
holding a hammer raised over her head, and looked as if she was about to bring
it down. On my head.
"Uh..." Quick, say something. "Don't hit me." Very good, real likely to
work, idiot. Say something intelligent. "Please don't hit me." Argh.
The words had some effect. They all started looking at me strange. The one
with the hammer asked me a question, in Japanese I assumed. I stared at her,
shook my head, and said "I don't understand."
She turned to one of her sisters, one who didn't look much older. This one
was giving me an appraising look. There seemed to be real intelligence
behind her eyes, always a big turn-on for me. She and the angry sister
exchanged some words, then she came up to me. She looked me in the eye,
and said something. It almost made sense; I replayed it in my mind and
realized it was mostly English. With a very heavy accent, she had asked me
"Why are you speaking English," followed by some more Japanese.
I looked at her and said very slowly and clearly, "I am an American. Where
am I? How did I get here?"
She turned and talked to the angry one for a few moments. The oldest one
spoke up. She had a wonderful voice. I looked at her; she was the tallest
and prettiest. I fell madly in love. Which was not unusual; I fell madly
in love at least five or six times a day. I figured the law of averages was
on my side: eventually, someone would fall madly in love with me right
back.
She went inside the house, to get a Babel Fish for all I knew.
House? I looked around, for the first time taking note of my surroundings.
I was in a back yard, a nice one actually. I was very near a pond. I seemed
to be kneeling in some dirt.
This was all very disconcerting. One does not normally find oneself typing
one moment, kneeling in the backyard of a Japanese home the next. Still,
there were several logical explanations; I hoped one would present itself
soon.
I brushed my hands on my pants. My legs felt strange. Hard, muscular. Like
they had been back when...well, like they never had been. I looked down to
see that my chest seemed quite muscular, and that I had no stomach to speak
of. Wow, it looks like I finally put together the SportRider. Amazing what
thirty minutes a week could do for you.
Amnesia was looking more and more like the answer. A head trauma of some sort.
Probably had a flashback of some sort after getting hit in the head with the
angry sister's mallet. Maybe I should be mad or something. I tried glaring
at her, but she only glared right back, not looking guilty in the slightest.
Oh, well, best not to judge for now.
I stood up and nearly fell over. The ol' body sure felt different. Heavier,
somehow. I tried jogging in place a little bit, trying to get a feel for
it. I felt something hit my back a couple of times. Reaching back, I
encountered something that felt like rope. I tugged at it, and found that it
was attached to my head.
Why would I have a rope attached to my head?
It took a few seconds to realize that I was pulling on my hair. I had grown
quite a bit of hair during my amnesia. I had always kept my hair very short.
I wondered why I would grow so much hair, then bind it in such a silly manner.
Someone spoke some more Japanese. The intelligent sister had an eyebrow
raised and was looking at me with a bemused expression. I suppose I looked
silly.
Still, maybe she could help me. "Can you get me a pair of scissors?"
She cocked her head. "What for," followed by some more Japanese. It was a
two-syllable word. She'd said it to me before. It sounded like "Lamma". I
wondered if that was my Japanese name. It sure sounded stupid.
I tried smiling at her. "I want to cut off my hair."
This brought up her other eyebrow. She and the angry sister had another
conversation. She then shrugged and went into the house.
That left me with just the angry one, who looked more confused than angry.
A little worried, too.
I smiled and pointed to myself. "Richard."
She looked at me blankly.
I tried again. "Richard," I said, tapping my chest. I pointed to her, trying
to look quizzical.
She hesitantly pointed to herself. "Uhconnay."
Seeing as I had no experience with Japanese names, I decided this sounded okay
to me. Bowing, didn't Japanese bow? Or was that the Chinese? I tried to
remember Shogun. Yes, they all bowed. I bowed to her. "Konnichiwoo,
Uhconnay." I was rather proud of myself.
The anger returned to her face. She started ranting at me in Japanese. All
I could make out was "Lamma" and "baka" seemed to be repeated over and over.
I sighed in frustration. I has hoping I could get over this amnesia thing
real quick. Either that or escape from this asylum or whatever. I looked
around; there were walls surrounding the courtyard. Maybe I was a patient.
I sure hoped the angry sister was a patient, too.
#This is getting boring. He hasn't even realized that he's not himself.
#I told you he wasn't too bright.
#Let's get him to learn Japanese in a hurry.
#How? Pressure point?
#Hardly applicable. Magic potion?
#Overused plot device. Miraculously fast learning curve?
#Nah, he's so stupid, no one would believe it. How about she hits him on the
head and all of a sudden he understands?
#Hmm. As good as anything. How do we get her to do it?
#Don't worry. He's doing a fine job by himself.
My eyes started to glaze over. Uhconnay seemed to have an amazing capacity
to maintain anger. I sure hope she lived in a different part of the asylum.
I wondered if I just wandered away, if she would just stand there yelling at
the empty air. It was worth a try.
"Lamma!" Nope, didn't work. She started stalking towards me. I decided to
keep away from her. This only made her angrier, which I would not have
thought possible.
"Keep away, Uhconnay, you're scaring me." Where were the other two? I looked
around for them, which was a big mistake since I didn't know the yard. I fell
over a rock and landed on my rear end.
She was looming over me. "Back up, Uhconnay," I said, wanting her not to be
so close.
"Baka?!" She raised the hammer again. "Lamma no baka!"
"Hey, I'll back up if you want me t- "
Ouch. She should be careful with that thing. This really hurt. Like, a lot.
"Stop acting like an idiot, Ranma, and tell me what you're up to!"
I stared at her, my head still ringing. "Hey, you're speaking English!"
She glowered at me. "Oh, so now you start speaking Japanese! I knew that
English thing was just an act!"
"I speak Japanese?" I immediately knew it was true, since "I" seemed to be a
three syllable word all of a sudden.
She raised the hammer again. "Ranma!" There was definite warning in her
voice.
"Hey!" I raised my hand defensively. "My name's Richard! Richard! Who is
Ranma?"
She gave an exasperated sigh. "Ranma, I don't know what game you're playing,
but it won't help you. I intend to know why you threw P-chan over the wall."
I blinked at her. "What's a 'P-chan'?"
"Ranma!" The hammer began a downward descent. I whimpered, but she stopped
it just short of my upraised arms.
The intelligent sister came back, holding a pair of scissors. "Here you go,
Ranma, but I'd have second thoughts if I were you. It'll be harder to pass
yourself off as a girl with shorter hair."
I stared at her, completely flabbergasted. "Why would I want to be a girl?"
She did the eyebrow thing again. "Back to Japanese, are we, Ranma? I don't
know if that's an improvement or not."
"My name's not Ranma. It's Richard. Richard Lawson." I looked around.
"Can you tell me where I am?"
"Richard?" She managed my name pretty well. "Who's that?"
"I'm 'that'." I was fairly annoyed. "What's happened to me? How did I get
here?"
"I don't know what happened to you, and you and your father moved here a year
ago."
"We did?" If these young women weren't going to give me any answers, maybe
Dad would. "Where is he?"
She pointed. On the porch, a panda sat, watching us with what appeared to be
some interest.
I looked around the panda. "Where? I don't see him."
She sighed and put her hand on her cheek. "Okay, from the top. I'm Tendo
Nabiki. This is the Tendo residence. You are Saotome Ranma. That panda up
there is your father, Saotome Genma. And you've already met Akane."
I stared at her. "So what you're saying is, I'm half-panda."
"No no no." The intelligent one - Nabiki - turned to her sister. "Akane,
show him, will you?"
"Sure." Akane grabbed my arm and threw me in the pool.
The cold water sent a shock right through me. It was quite unpleasant. I
sputtered my way to the surface and glared at them. Very funny. Hilarious
ha ha. I climbed out of the pool. The water made my clothes cling to me
in funny ways. I stalked over to Nabiki. "What was that supposed to - "
Gosh, my voice sure sounded funny.
I looked down to see that my shirt was clinging to my chest. To a chest that
seemed to have acquired a pair of good-sized additions.
My sanity had had enough for one day. It packed its belongings, muttered to
itself, turned out the lights, and left. For good measure, it took my
consciousness with it.
#Well, that was original. He fainted.
#Hmm, we need some plot complications. Ryoga? Shampoo?
#Yuck. But, okay. I think I'll have him try to kill Shampoo.
#You really have it in for her, don't you? Maybe he'll patch things up with
her and she'll fall in love with Mousse.
#Gawds, fall in love with a blind duck, how gross. Still, it's what she
deserves. As for patching things up, you keep overestimating his intelligence.
#Maybe. In fact, probably. What the heck, what's the worse that can happen?
#Remember the last time you said that.
#Well, we have too many galaxies as it is. Here goes...
I woke up slowly. I wanted very much to be in front of my computer. Instead,
I was lying on a mat somewhere. I had heavy weights on my chest.
I reached up, squeezed. I immediately wished I hadn't.
"Gawds, get these things off me!" I stood up and tried to brush them off like
lint. It wasn't working. It must be that pond. All I have to do is jump
back into it. Of course, a magic pond, that was the obvious answer.
"Calm down, Ranma." Akane was there. She held a kettle of water. I wondered
what she was going to do with it. The answer became obvious a moment later.
"Hey!" I stopped. My voice was deeper. I looked down. No breasts. I blew
a big sigh of relief.
I stared at Akane again. "Okay, so, can you explain this?"
She sighed. She actually looked pretty cute when she wasn't mad, which current
experience told me was quite infrequently. "You really don't remember, do you,
Ranma?"
I gave her a hard look. "Richard. My name's Richard."
"Richard. Well, Richard, you're in the body of Ranma."
I looked down and grimaced. It had been too good to be true. "Okay, some sort
of soul transference thingy, right, happens to me once, sometimes twice a week.
I get put into this body that most men would kill for, except when it's female,
when most men would...uh, still kill for it. I'm in Japan, and me and my panda
father are living with you and your sisters."
"And my father."
"Oh, good. I can't wait to see what species he is. Anything else?"
She cocked her head, and looked a little sad. "Well, there is one more
thing..."
With that, the wall collapsed inward. A stunningly beautiful woman stood
there. She had the same abnormally large eyes. They weren't the only things
she had that were abnormally large. Plus, she had purple hair. A lot of it,
too. Must take hours to dye it all.
She smiled at me. "Nihao, Ranma!" She bounced over to me and hugged me. "You
take Shampoo to date?"
I considered this. "Well, I'd certainly use it before a date, but I think I'd
leave it at home."
The drew blank looks. Which was good, in a way, because Akane had the hammer
in her hands again. It seemed to be a bad day for remaining upright. She was
just staring at me for now, though.
I turned to the purple woman. "Uh, do I know you?"
She looked at me, a little hurt. "You no know Shampoo?"
I blinked at her. "Your name is Shampoo?"
She smiled and hugged me again. "You do remember! I so happy!"
Hmm. I wondered if her family had a thing for hygiene. Best not to inquire
too closely.
Something smashed my head. It hurt. Even more than before. Like, ouch.
I turned to Akane. "Does hitting me with a mallet turn you on or something?
Is it therapeutic? I can suggest alternatives that are less painful for at
least half of the people involved in this arrangement."
She was just glaring at me. "Ranma, you jerk! Here you say you don't know a
thing, and now you're coming on to Shampoo!"
It was hard to get used to that name; unbidden, an image of me singing an ode
to a bottle of Head & Shoulders came to mind. "As I recall, she broke down
the wall to hug me. This I call devotion. I don't know her, but if I wanted
to, why would you care?"
She just stared at me. "Ranma -"
"Richard, my name's Richard."
She looked like she was ready to cry. "You don't remember?"
I grimaced. "How can I remember something that never occurred to me?
Remember, the current working theory is that I've been transferred into this
Ranma's body for no readily apparent reason. I don't know anything about this
guy. Details, I need details, Akane."
She stared at me closely. "If this is a trick, Ranma, I will *never* forgive
you."
I stared back at her. "Richard."
She seemed to deflate a little. "Okay...Richard. Anyway, Ranma and I are
engaged."
"Oh." I looked down at Shampoo, who appeared to be ignoring the conversation
in an effort to squeeze me as hard as possible. "Well, this would be a
hammerable offense, then, wouldn't it?"
Akane gritted her teeth. "You betcha."
"Okay." I grabbed Shampoo's arms and began to pull. She was incredibly strong.
To my amazement, I was no slouch, either. Her arms separated eventually.
She looked at me. "Ranma no want to date Shampoo?"
"Sorry, Ranma's spoken for. By the way, are you going to pay for that wall?"
Her face got darker. "You tossing Shampoo aside? Shampoo no allow that."
"I don't care what Shampoo allows. Women who indescriminately break walls
aren't to be trusted. Besides, do you know how hard it would be to rent a
place to live if word gets around that you don't know how to use a doorknob?"
The pretty face was now marred by a deep scowl. "You making fun of Shampoo
now, Ranma. Shampoo think time to teach lesson." With that, she picked me
up and threw me at the wall. It would have been nice to have hit the part
of the wall that was already broken. Alas, I discovered that my body really
was rock hard. It had no problem creating a hole of its very own in the
wall. I continued some distance beyond. In fact, I seemed to be headed for
the magic pond.
Gawds, I hope it changes me into something useful, like a tiger or wolf or
something.
Nope. The mounds were back, and other things, things I considered very dear
to me, were gone. I climbed out of the pool and looked at myself. Not that
I wouldn't ask myself out on a date, mind you.
Shampoo was there in front of me, still looking plenty mad. "Ranma, you need
learn no make laughing at Shampoo." Did people really talk like that? Me
Shampoo, you Jane. Er, John. Whatever.
She did this whirling thing that ended with her foot floating towards me face.
I watched in fascination as it connected. I went flying again, this time
hitting a tree.
I reached up and touched my face. My jaw should be broken or something. It
sure hurt a lot. Still, this body seemed incredibly tough. It would have to
be, for all the beatings it apparently took.
The voluptuous over-sexed enraged hair product was still after me. I shook my
head and was rewarded by the wave of dizziness it induced. I jumped to my
feet anyway. I wondered if I knew any martial arts. I looked around for a
brick to smash in half. Maybe that would impress her. It would certainly
impress me.
She screamed and launched a series of attacks on me. I was amazed by how
quickly she was able to hit me. As I fell on my back and considered the clouds
gathering above, I wondered if I should be doing something to protect myself.
Like, maybe running way far away. That would be good. After I took a little
rest.
Dang it, there she was again, standing over me with some sort of evil
expression on her face. Fortunately, Mallet Woman came and, with one well-
placed kick, sent Shampoo an absolutely amazing distance into the air.
I looked at her. "Akane, come to America with me. I know several NFL teams
that would pay you unbelievable sums of money to kick field goals for them."
She looked down at me, a pitying look on her face. "Ran - Richard, you really
don't know anything about martial arts, do you?"
"Whoever put me here forgot to give me the owner's manual." I struggled to a
sitting position. "Akane, can you change me back again?"
She sighed and pulled me to my feet. As we walked into the kitchen, we met
the oldest sister again. She held out a kettle to us.
Akane took it and poured it over me. It tingled. "Hot." Odd, why did I say
that? It was obvious that it was hot, no need to comment on it. Must be
some kind of reflex.
I looked over at the oldest sister again. "Thank you. My name is Richard.
Richard Lawson. I apparently have taken over Ranma's body on a hopefully
temporary basis."
I expected her to look at me blankly and tell me to stop kidding. Instead,
she smiled. "Oh my! How lucky for you. My name is Tendo Kasumi."
Kasumi...I was still in love. Still, if this body was engaged to a woman who
hammered you in the batting of an eyelash, it would be best not to make
any overtures. "A pleasure to meet you, Kasumi."
I turned back to Akane. "Uh, can you maybe tell me what's going on here?
What's with the magic pond out back? Is this kettle magical, too?"
Akane looked exasperated, but took me by the hand and led me out into the
dining room. It looked as if someone had taken the legs off the table. Akane
sat cross-legged at it. I looked for a chair; not finding one, I sat down
across from her. She looked at me for a minute, then began. "It started when
you - that is, Ranma - went to China with your - his - father on a training
mission...."
An hour later my head was swimming. "This is insane. No one leads such a
bizarre life. A sex-changing super-power-having teenage martial artist with
multiple fiancees who regularly battles monsters, perverts, and overzealous
would-be inlaws." I rubbed my forehead. "And, uh, you're one of the
fiancees, right?"
She flushed. "Yes."
I looked at her closely. "The only unwilling one, if I understand correctly."
She flushed some more. "That's right."
I beamed at her. "Well, the solution here is obvious. I tell Ranma's father
that we're not getting married, we leave and move back in with Ranma's mother.
Then I fight Shampoo and let her beat me up some more until she realizes that
I'm not the world's greatest martial artist, and she and Perfume go back to
China. Then I go to the insane one, the Black Petunia or whatever, and tell
her to take a long walk off of a short pommel horse. Then I can tell Ukyo
that I've taken care of the rest of the women, and she and Ranma will get
married. I'll wheedle some money out of her, fly to China, find this Spring
of Drowned Man, take a plunge, and come back to Japan."
I looked at Akane in triumph. I'd been here for two hours, and already I had
all of Ranma's problems solved. This wasn't so tough.
To my surprise, she seemed angry. A hammer appeared in her hands again as
she lept over the table. "Richard no baka!"
For a few minutes, I considered the ceiling of the dining room. I had the
strangest feeling that there was still a lot of stuff I didn't understand.
Not only did I have a body I had no idea how to use, I had multiple fiancees
I had no idea how to handle. If I didn't get out of here soon, I was really
going to screw up Ranma's life.
I heard a voice screaming out in the yard. A male voice, full of anger.
"Ranma! Prepare to die!"
Great. I wondered if it was the wooden-sword-weilding dork, or the super-strong
directionally-challenged half-pig. Either way, I didn't want to know. I
sprung up, ran to what I hoped was the front door, opened it, and started
running. Evidently, the clouds I had noticed before had decided to make my
life even more miserable by raining on me. This was more of an inconvenience
that usual, since the rain...did things to me. It was hard not to be
distracted by how certain parts of my new anatomy were affected by my running.
There had to be a way out of this. Maybe... I slowed to a stop. I had been
playing with my computer when this began. Maybe I needed another computer.
The intelligent sister - Nabiki. Surely she had one. I hoped it had an
internet connection.
I turned and ran back to the house. The sooner I started, the sooner I could
get away from these lunatics.
#Well, he has rather managed to make a mess of things. Should we let him go
back?
#And miss all the fun? You'll notice that he's forgotten all about Ryoga.
#Yeah, what an idiot. He'll likely get himself killed.
#And what fun that will be! We could have some more touching scenes with
Akane crying over his body and shouting her repressed feelings to the sky,
and then, for no readily apparent reason, Ranma could come back to life,
and...
#Uh, it's been done already.
#Oh yeah. We'll just let him die then.
#Okay. Who knows, if he's lucky he'll figure out how to protect himself.
#Yeah, right. And maybe he'll just stand and stare stupidly at Ryoga while
he gets Shishi Hokodanned to death.
#Either way, what fun to watch...
END PART I (with no more parts to come)
