(The lights come on in the theatre, revealing the forms of a familiar
looking elf and halfling.)
Windir: Ahem. Good evening, dear readers. Tonight, I and my squat but
unamusing compatriot will be reviewing Matthew Trotter's _Aftermath_. Mr.
Trotter has written three previous volumes in this series...
Frito: Yah, back when dinosaurs roamed the ML!
Windir: Admittedly, it has been quite a while since Mr. Trotter released
"Old Friend". In fact, it leads one to speculate...
Frito: Hey! Where's Lyra?
Windir: (glaring) She couldn't make it, something about an anonymous
phone call........
(Suddenly, the lights go out.)
Frito: AWWW! Power failure! This bites!
Voice: (sounding aback) Wot does?
Windir: (sharply) Who was that?
Voice2: Right! AT 'EM, LADS!
(A confused struggle breaks out. "Get 'is leg, dammit!"..."OW! Windy, that
was me, ya schmuck!"..."Oi got his arm! Get the sodding rope!"..."Unhand
me, you ruffians!"...."damnit, who's got Frito?"...."Me."....Right!
Someone's ta be hittin' the lights!". After a few seconds of muffled
swearing, the light go back on, revealing Mike, Seamus, Giles, and Mahon
standing over two bound and gagged fanfic critics. Frito sputters,
cringes, and squirms in quick succession, while Windir maintains his
ice-cool expression of stony, controlled dignity.)
Seamus: Right! We're takin' over this 'ere review!
Mike: Sorry about all this, I'm a great admirer of your work, really...
Giles: Should we ungag them? Oi think the dwarf might be rabid.
Frito: (incredulous) MFGHSFFGMMGFRDmfghmlhsrhgfMFGHKH
Seamus: The little bugger sure sounds rabid....
Mahon: Yup.
Mike: Ungag the elf.
(They do so.)
Windir: (in a tone icy enough to give frostbite to snowmen) What is the
meaning of this?
Giles: Woll, we wanted to review one of them fanfics! And you had this
nice theatre, and all, so oi said...
Seamus: ...why don't we just give ya a nice, relaxin' vacation, an we'll
review the fic.
Windir: You no doubt consider being forcibly bound and gagged a
"vacation"?
Mike: (hastily) Oh no, nothing like that. We arraigned for someone to take
you two out for the evening.
Frito: (perking up) Mfghfsh?
Giles: She seemed real eager to meet you...oi have no clue why...
Windir: She?
(Muffled lecherous cackling comes from Frito.)
Mike: She.
(He whistles, and a shape bounds into the theatre.)
Frito: (panicking) MFGHEFGDH! MFGHSHFHG!
Windir: (blanching) You...you wouldn't..
Azusa: OH! KAWAII!!!!
Seamus: Here ya go, darlin'.
Azusa: (running over to the bound critics) Oh, you Azusa's little Moliere!
And Tartuffe!
(Frito is violently ill.)
Windir: (pale but composed) You....you....fiends!
Seamus: (shrugs) Look on the bright side....you'll be stayin' inna nice
big house fer awhile, with Azusa here ta oversee yer every need...
Azusa: You so Kawwwwaaaaaiiiiiii! You come meet Azusa's little Bonaparte,
and Sant' Honore, and Voltare, and Robespiere, and....
(Frito falls out of his seat and frantically rolls for the exit.)
Azusa: Moliere! Come back!
(She picks up Windir...er, Tartuffe......and runs for the exit after
Frito.)
Mike: I hope they have a good time....
Mahon: Right.
Well here it is, the long awaited Aftermath...three months in the
making...two programs, three renderings,a 2 second anime, and four other
fanfics later, its finaly done. Um, what can I say, I'm easily
distracted. I think I've got all the thanks and credits in the story
itself, I'm just bored enough to write a stupid intro anyway. I started
this right after I posted Old Friend, and it realy has taken this long to
write. Theres a couple of jokes that are probably past their freshness
date, but hopefully some of you will remember them. Blablabla Yakety
Schmakety, on with the fic...
Matthew Trotter, Hangin' on the corner of 52nd and Broadway
Seamus: Who?
Giles: Oi dunno....think he's the guy wot does the Old Man and Kid fics.
Seamus: Say, I liked 'em! 'Ere, though, he says somethin' bout a "Old
Friend". What's that?
Mike: That was the fanfic that this is a sequel to, which in turn was
the sequel to King of Pain, which in turn was the sequel to Rain
Dance...
Seamus: (booming voice) ....who was the son 'o Skappi Hrolfgarm,
who did inna mighty battle defeat Wulfgar the Saxon, who once had
an uncle wot bore a slight resemblance to Eyjolf the Foul.....gee, I
see where he got the teaser from.
Mike: Well, yeah. And it really has been a while since he's released a
Ranma fic. Now, while some people would say that there needs to be
a form of population control for Ranma fanfics......
Mahon: Shoot them.
Mike: Um, yes, well, my point is that we've been rather saddened at
the lack of frequency with which this series shows itself.....although
I can think of certain other series that would be well-advised to
follow his example...
Seamus: (doubtfully) Are they really that good? You ain't just bein'
nice, are ya?
Mike: Well, to tell the truth, I really wasn't all that fond of King of
Pain. Old Friend, on the other hand....I just couldn't stop laughing.
Some parts of that fanfic are true classics, masterpieces of the art.
Seamus: Ain't ya layin' it on a little thick?
Mike: Nope. If you don't believe me, just read it.
Mahon: Fic's starting.
(The four settle into their chairs. Mike takes out a thermos and
pours himself a cup of tea, while the others produce whiskey bottles
and begin to gulp down their contents.)
day. The pounding continued. Pulling on his jacket he decided it
couldn't be Fellowship, she wouldn't pound on anything. No it was
probably Emotion ... which meant that Fellowship had REALLY screwed up
something. Sarcasm stood in front of the door, it would really be nice
if that was ... well, there weren't too many people it would be nice to
have pounding on his door.
Giles: Sarcasm? Fellowship? Emotion? Oi don't understand...
Seamus: (stage whisper) Oooo, big surprise there...
Mike: In this series of fanfics, various human qualites have
incarnations, and exist as god-type beings, who naturally like to
mess about, in a helpful fashion, with the lives of the Ranma crew.
This being a Ranma fic, of course they're rather inept.
(A rumble of thinder comes from overhead.)
Mike (smoothly) Did I say inept? I meant unlucky. Anyway, the hero
of these deities, at least for the purposes of the story, is Sarcasm.
Which says a lot about Mr. Trotter.
Kodachi Kuno sat at her lab table rubbing her head. Her brother's
skull was even thicker than she had given him credit for. And Akane
Tendo's uppercut was really solid. Kodachi picked up the ice pack she
had prepared and held it to her jaw again. She'd promised herself she
wasn't going to ever touch the Biochemist's Fun Kit ever again . . . but
how else was she going to get rid of Akane. It was bad enough that Akane
was continually trying to keep her from Ranma. If formula 342 didn't
wear off soon, Akane was going to be more than just another fly in the
ointment. Kodachi looked at the Fun Kit, no, no, she decided to give
Akane a chance . . . why take the risk. She heard a door slam
downstairs,a good sign her brother had finally regained consciousness.
She shifted the ice pack, damn, her jaw still hurt
Seamus: (looking upset) Who hit Ko-chan?
Mike: Like the fic said, Akane. She was afraid that Kodachi was
cheating on her.
(The other three Rats try to figure this out.)
Mahon: Huh?
Mike: Well, in Old Friend, Kodachi decided to try to get Ramna to love
her by means of a chemical lip gloss she created using the
Biochemist's Fun Kit. All she had to do was kiss Ranma, and he
would fall madly in love with her.
Seamus: Damn, that was a good idea! (beams proudly) Ain't I always
tellin' ya how intelligent she is?
Mike: Unfortunately, things went wrong. She accidentally kissed
Akane by mistake.
(The other three think about this for a second. Mahon and Giles fall
out of their seats laughing, while Seamus looks horrified.)
Seamus: Ya....ya don't mean.....
Mike: Akane fell madly in love with Kodachi, yes. And, of course,
after they slept together, Kodachi is evaluating her feelings...
Seamus: (aghast) THEY HAD SEX!?!?!?
Mike: (chuckling) No, I'm just teasing you.
Seamus: Geez...don't be doin' that, Mike...gah...
Trudge. Damn. Tatewaki trudged to his bed and began to undress, his
whole body felt like it had been filled with lead weights. He caught
sight of himself in the mirror. He looked like hell. Trudging over to
the mirror, he stood looking at himself. Strangely, tonight he didn't
see the proud, powerful blue thunder of Furinken high, or even
upperclassman
Kuno. Tonight he saw a boy of 17 who looked like he'd been out too late
and should get to bed.
Mike: Nice bit of characterization here.
Despair looked up as Sarcasm blinked in to existence. A red shoe
materialized out of thin air and hit Sarcasm in the head. Not him.
Despair was already stuck baby sitting, he didn't need Sarcasm bumming
him out. Oh this was really a bad time too. And now Sarcasm was going
to be in a bad mood.
"Despair, where's Doubt?"
"He told me not to tell you."
"And if he told you to jump off a bridge. . . never mind, you'd do
that anyway.
Seamus: Heh.
Giles: Hey, look wot Oi found! (holds up a wine bottle)
Seamus: Good eye! 'Hat Windex fella musta dropped it! Is it the
classy stuff?
Giles: (reading label) It's a Chateau Wolfenstein '43! That's really
rare!
Mahon: (holding out a wineglass) Pour.
Nabiki leaned back in the bath, letting the warm water loosen the
cramped muscles in her body. She could cover the bet with no problem, it
just hurt to lose. It hurt worse that Kuno hadn't even cared whether he
kissed Akane in front of her or not. Kuno was in for revenge, Nabiki
just needed something really good. Maybe if she really rubbed Ranma's
face in it, how he was about the only person who didn't kiss Akane
goodnight? That would be amusing. You could always count on Ranma to
lose his cool when it came to Akane. Nabiki sighed and stood up, it was
time to get to bed. She needed to be up and ready to get Ranma fired up
at Kuno. Come to think of it, if she got Ranma good and hot, Akane would
be sure to get just as mad. Nabiki toweled herself off, and thought about
the best way to get both Akane and Ranma mad at Kuno.
(All four just leer at the screen, looking very appreciative.)
Mike: You know.....I'm begining to see the rationale behind all those
Nabiki fans....
Giles: (appraisingly) Nice [CENSORED]. Athough her [CENSORED] is a
bit [CENSORED] if you're planning on [CENSORED].
Seamus: Boy, ain't that little Frito guy gonna be glad he missed
this...
Mike: Mr. Trotter appears to be a member of the Nabiki/Kuno school
of romantic pairings, which is something that the list is fairly spilt
over.
Seamus: Why? The two're bleedin' perfect fer each other!
Giles: You're out of your head. They have nothing in common, any
idiot can see that...
Mike: I rest my case. Anyway, its a part of the fic, so live with it.
"Kuno, I'm even seeing you in my mirror . . ."
She looked at the ground, when she looked up there were tears in her
eyes.
"You broke my heart tonight. Are you happy now?!"
She rested her head on the face of the mirror and he heard her
whisper his name again. Tatewaki Kuno discovered what other people meant
by heartache. It was his first time, and he didn't know what to do. It
felt like his heart was swelling up in his chest, he could barley
breath and his eyes felt like they were burning. She moved away from the
mirror. He knew why the scene was blurring, but he wasn't ready to admit
it to himself yet. She began turning down the sheets on the bed. From
under the pillow she pulled a pair of sweat pants and a large shirt. He
could barely make out what was going on now, but he knew what would come
next and was glad . . . for . . . for . . . for the tears. She was too
far away from the mirror to be anything but a blur . . . he could barely
tell she had dropped the towel . . . she was just a motion blur in the
background of the room now...he just prayed that she would get dressed
before looking in the mirror again . . .
Seamus: Aww...that was really touchin'. Got ta me, it did.
Giles: *sniff* Oi guess.....*choke*....even if they shouldn't be in
love...
Mike: But that whole scene was rather well done, you have to admit.
Kodachi stared at the Biochemist's Fun Kit. She wasn't going to give
in. It was too dangerous to use. Another drop of sweat ran down the
side of her face as she rubbed her palms together to stop them from
itching. She took out formula 342 and looked at it. Maybe she could
give it one more chance ... she could go meet Ranma at school ...but
. . . Akane would be there . . . uhg! Kodachi put formula 342 back on
her dresser with new resolve. Still she needed something to get rid of
Akane and that annoying Sanzenin person. Maybe a little experimentation
wouldn't hurt... .especially if she remembered to take make an antidote.
Giles: Oi thought you said she was smart, Seamus?
Seamus: Oh, shut up.
school. Apparently these students, who were meeting in the park as a part
of some class project, were attacked without provocation and then left
for dead. These students had told the police that the ringleaders of
this gang were a maniac wielding a bokken, a gymnast, a blue haired
biker,
and a cross dressing pervert named Saitoom. There was even a picture.
Nabiki couldn't stop laughing. If Ranma had stared in "Fist Of The
Northstar" it might have been a picture of him.
Giles: (shaking his head) Oi always knew Ranma was a bad 'un.
Mike: No no...it's all one of those famous Takahashi
misunderstandings, carried over from Old Friend. Besides, you're one
to talk.
Seamus: Yah! Who was it 'hat drove a bulldozer through the Barringen
Wurst Fair, an spent the next three weeks hidin' from the coppers?
Giles: That was you.
Seamus: Oh yah, right. But you helped...
"Dad! How could you think of our problems? This is horrible!"
"But Akane, Bamboo prices are so high. And we do have a freeloading
panda living here."
Nabiki held out her hand, "Ok, let me see it."
Akane passed the paper over to Nabiki. Ranma watched Nabiki read the
paper, this was really starting to wear thin.
"Daddy, the train wreck was in America. That won't affect prices in
Japan."
Soun turned to Genma, "Saotome, how could you have missed that?"
"I only read the first sentence, Tendo."
Ranma decided to go to school, he'd had more than enough of 'family
read the paper day'
Giles: (dubious) Oi dunno about the whole bamboo thing....just wasn't
all that funny.
He ran on, his breath ragged in his throat. He didn't dare risk a
look over his shoulder, he could hear them behind him. They were mad as
hell today. Hikaro Gosenkugi wished that he could find some real magic.
Mahon: Who?
Mike: I believe the author is refering to Hikaru Gosunkugi, everyone's
favorite voodoo weirdo.
Morphine frowned, he wondered if Tofu would consider this as attacking
innocents? They WERE beating up the boy on the ground. There was
nothing for it, if they insisted on fighting ... the tentacles would do
as well as anything to stop them.Motioning quickly he set the tentacles
on them. He was glad that he'd been practicing,it took almost no effort
to do...he was really getting back his old power. Now if only there were
some easy way around the blood requirements . . .
Mike: Morphine, by the by, is a Evil Sorcerer (retired) who's
currently reformed and living with Doc Tofu.
Seamus: Why's he named after a painkiller?
Mike: Watch.
with ash blond hair. He had a manor about him ... the way he moved,
and talked . . . he was something more . . .
Seamus: Wow, a whole bleedin' Manor? The guy's strong.
Formula 345 - Turned mouse's hair blue. (Maybe they use this in China?)
Formula 357 - Melted beaker.
Formula 359 - Made mouse hyper.
Formula 366 - Turned mouse to lead.
Formula 367 - Turned lead mouse to gold.
Formula 389 - Made mouse sick.
Formula 395 - Turned female mouse male.
Formula 396 - Mouse exploded.(Getting low on mice, send Sasuke for more.)
Formula 399 - Made mice ... excited. (Save for Ranma on our
honeymoon.)
Formula 400 - Mice seem to sit on opposite sides of the cage and squeak
at each other. (Apparently this is a powerful
repellent. I'll have to try this on Akane.)
(All four chuckle at this.)
Seamus: I told ya she was brilliant....
Tatewaki tucked the box under his arm as he walked. He had gone over
the idea in his mind hundreds of times. This was the only thing that
might be acceptable. Almost anything else she would reject flat out, but
this . . . this might catch her attention. Nabiki could be
unpredictable. He would have to be careful. He went over the speech in
his head again, [Nabiki Tendo, I would speak with you after school.
Please meet me at the Acme Delicatessen on Generic street and Brand
Avenue.]
Today "The Blue Thunder" felt even less boisterous and confident than
he ever had before. He felt like a boy with a stick and a box of
chocolates.
Mike: Nicely put.
Seamus: Yah, an it's nice ta see the arrogant bastard a bit unsure 'o
hisself.
Ranma had just stopped running in the middle of the school yard. She
took a step back and almost hit him before she realized what had drawn
his attention. Kuno. He was standing beneath a tree. He looked
different today. Calmer, maybe even a little more handsome. It was
definitely the calm. Just looking at him, you could see it. It was
scary. It was the calm before the storm kind of calm. Akane realized
that today, for possibly the first time, Kuno looked dangerous. He
looked like a no win fight. She felt her chest tighten, there was
something irresistible about that look ... it was how Ranma looked when
he had to fight for her ... it was one of the things she love . . .she
admired him for.
Mahon: Yeek.
Mike: Yeek is right. Very good job of description there.
company. The voice was silent. Very well, she had a right to be angry,
but that would not dissuade Tatewaki Kuno from his apology. That decided,
Tatewaki straightened and headed to class.
Seamus: I'll be damned. I guess arrogance can be put ta good use
after all.
9:56? 9:56?!?!?!?! She was already late!!!! Kodachi leapt to her feet
and dashed out of her room, she had to get to school! She paused with
her hand on the front door, then tearing off the robe rushed, half naked,
back to her room.
(Seamus is openly drooling.)
Giles: Wot you see in her I'll never know....
". . . uhhhh no No Akane I don't want to . . . no you can't make me .
. . "
Akane didn't even realized she had stood up until she brought the desk
down on Ranma's head.Blushing a little, she just stood there not knowing
what to do. Her desk was broken(and so was Ranma, she hoped), there was
nowhere to go sit. . .
"Owwwwww . . . what . . . Akane? Hey What didja do that for?"
"Ranma you pervert! You . . ."
"Miss Tendo! Mr. Saitoom! Go stand in the hall."
Akane felt the blush return, "Yes, Miss Hinako."
"And be QUIET!"
"Saitoom?"
Seamus: (chuckling) Hey, I really liked 'hat bit.
Giles: Oi can just see it...poor Saitoom...
Mike: It was pretty good....but there's one problem. Nabiki and Kuno
are in a different class than Ranma and Akane. They are
upperclassmen, after all....
... it rubbed him the wrong way. Something about the way Morphine was
dicing the vegetables was bothering him too . . . he just couldn't put
his finger on it. He had watched this before . . . it was like watching
a blender . . . Morphine had told him that evil sorcerers got plenty of
practice with knives . . . it was the way he seemed to be almost flaying
the vegetables, that was what it had to be. It was interesting that some
one could make dicing vegetables seem so . . . well cruel . . .
Mike: Cooking is a reflection on the chef, as Kasumi could tell you.
"I can't believe you got us kicked out of class. You are such a
moron."
"Why is it my fault? Your the one who hit me with a desk you tomboy."
"Your the one who was MOANING my name in his sleep, you pervert."
"I was not!"
"Yes you were! And everyone was watching us, it was embracing."
Giles: Embracing? Oi think Oi see a freudian slip...
accept, free food is free food, but Nabiki doubted that she would be able
to tolerate Kuno today . . . still, she could let him wait on her . . .
"Sure Kuno baby, I tell you what. I want to go home and change after
school, why don't I meet you there."
"Very well, Nabiki, I shall await your arrival."
What a sucker. Nabiki picked up her books and headed to Math class.
At least she'd found a good way to get revenge on Kuno . . .
Seamus: How heartless.
Mike: How cruel.
Mahon: How cold.
Giles: Yeah, Oi like Nabiki too. And that, Oi think, was perfectly in
character.
[2] Kodachi had lots of practice at distorting reality . . . and just
because she WAS remembering Akane's kiss didn't mean she HAD to remember
it that way . . . unfortunately for her the malevolent deity known as
"The Author" thought it would be far more amusing for her to come to her
senses just as she started to get into the fantasy . . .
Mike: (chuckling) And so it was. Yet another good bit there, both the
footnote and the footnote's subject matter.
Giles: Yeah! Oi wanna see more of that Kodachi and Akane stuff!
*leer*
Seamus: GILES NO HENTAI! BOOT TA THE CHITLINS!
Giles: OWwwwwwwww....
Mike: Boot to the _head_, Seamus. It's Boot to the _head_.
Seamus: They can do it their way, an I'll be doin' it my way.
Tofu took a sip of his tea, "Well, what made you want to be an evil
sorcerer any way?"
Morphine appeared to consider the question,"I don't know. It started
off as something to do . . . later I guess it was just a kick."
Tofu almost fell out of his chair, "A kick?!?!"
"I was bored a lot as a kid.
Giles: "It started out simply.......just a imp or two a day, sometimes
more if we had company.....then it went up to a demon even day....then
Great Cthulhu every hour...Oi told myself Oi could stop anytime Oi
wanted to, that Oi didn't have a Summonning Problen..."
The boy had been howling in pain, it was a horrible compound
fracture.
He remembered telling Morphine to call an ambulance. Morphine had
reached out and snapped the boys arm strait out. It made Tofu nervous to
remember how mad he'd been, he had almost hit Morphine ... almost. The
boy just sat there and stared at his arm. There should have been a hole
where the jagged hunk of bone had been sticking out . . . but there
wasn't. The boy should have been screaming his head off, but he wasn't.
Morphine looked pretty bad. His face was as intense as Tofu had ever
seen it, his skin was pale, and he was speaking to the boy in a voice
that was barely a whisper. He was telling the boy he would feel some
pain, and to just say when it hurt too much . . . after a while the boy
got a little paler and whined. Morphine told him to go home and rest.
Apparently Morphine couldn't heal others per say, but he could heal
himself. He said he understood pain, he had studied it. He could use
it, he could deny it, he could steal it. It was then that Tofu really
began to respect Morphine.
Mike: Another very good, well-written bit.
...Kasumi stood there,
beaming ... wearing a pair of elegant glass slippers. And nothing else.
There was, however, a conspicuous black bar that covered her from
neck to knee....
Seamus: Awwww....bloody censors.....
Giles: Wot did you expect? Anything with Kasumi in it automatically
gets a G-rating.
(Mahon passes Giles a folder labels "FFML Lemon Archive - Property
of Kunoichi" Giles leafs through it for a second, and turns red.)
Giles: Oh my!
Mahon: Exactly.
Giles: Aw, but these ain't in character. They don't count.
"Uhhhh, here Akane have a chocolate . . ."
Nabiki watched Akane buy into it. She really wanted to believe Ranma
was in love with her, you could tell at times like this. Her eyes were
misty, she looked like she was on the verge of giving Ranma a big juicy
kiss. Nabiki put her hand on her camera, she could blackmail Ranma for
years with a picture of him smooching Akane . . .
"Are . . . are they . ..really for me?"
"Um . ..sh . sh . ..sure. . ."
This was really classic Ranma and Akane. Nabiki knew that Ranma would
have to say something completely unthinking, and that Akane would
misinterpret it. Then there would be the inevitable Ranma beating.
(The Rats chuckle)
Mike: Yup, that's how it works.
herself, he would just use her. She took another breath. Ok, have a
chocolate and get back to the math.Nabiki pulled out the first layer of
the box, crunchy frog, her favorite in any assortment, was always on the
second layer.
Mike: Nice homage to Python there.
Giles: Oi prefer Ram's Bladder Cup, myself.
Tatewaki paid his bill and stepped out into the downpour. Looking up
into the sky as the rain beat down on him, Tatewaki silently asked the
man in black if he could have just one last chance to make things right.
There was no answer, except the sound of his guilt eating away at his
heart. Shaking his head, Tatewaki threw the bouquet of roses away and
walked home in the pouring rain.
Seamus: Almost makes ya feel sorry fer the poor bugger, it does.
Mike: Fanfic Noir, you could call it....
Akane Tendo could not cook. She was one of the worst cooks to ever
live. This was a fact. It was set in stone. It could never be
changed. Naturally this meant that there were exceptions. To be exact
there were three exceptions. The first being that she could cook a
curry. The other two were full meals. They were not just meals, they
were dishes that master chefs made to show off their talents. It was on
this day, fueled by a need to make Ranma take back what he'd said, that
she cooked the first of these culinary wonders. It was perfect. It was
almost ready when she heard Ranma yell at Nabiki.
Seamus: Oh boy, 'ere it comes.....
Akane just knew Nabiki had done something to ruin dinner. She didn't
know what it was, but it would involve Ranma not wanting to eat. Some
times she wanted to kill Nabiki, but then again was it really her fault
that Ranma was going to go along with what ever she had come up with?
(All four Rats look at each other.)
Everyone: (simultaniously) Yes.
Giles: Besides, you'd need a stomach like a submarine's pressure hull
to survive Akane's cooking. The fact that Ranma lives through
tasting her meals is misleading; after all, this is the same guy wot
got slammed into a mountain, making a big dent, and lived.
He looked up as the door opened. The first person to come into the
Acme Cafe since the rain started stood there, in the doorway, dripping.
She was completely soaked. Her shirt was plastered to her torso, and hair
had that pathetic ragamuffin look.
Giles: Which doubtlessly took the fanfic's stylist about 6 hours work
to achieve.
Seamus: Yah. Y'know, it doesn't look that bad on her....
The boy's mind was full. It was far too small. THE BOOK pushed.
The boys mind managed to hold together. Perhaps he could deal with the
truth. THE BOOK pushed the tales of the outer ones into the boys
screaming mind. It would be good to have a new master to work the dark
ways again.
(Bach's Fugue in D minor echos through the theatre.)
Seamus: This does not bode well.
Mahon: What he said.
Giles: Ia! Ia! Cthulhu R'lyeh! Cthulhu F'haghn!
(Everyone else stares at him.)
Giles: (sheepishly) Sorry. Got carried away.
...time passed...
*********
. . . .more time passed . . .
*********
...even more time passed, and still they just sat staring and each
other.
*********
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a whole lot more time passed . . .
*********
. . . .. the world could have fallen off its axis without them
noticing. . .
*********
. . it didn't, but it could have . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .
*********
. . . finally the author decided to get on with things and let just
enough time pass to get to the good part. He did feel he should mention
that it was a sizable piece of time that did pass....
Mike: This bit here was pure Pratchett. Indeed, Trotter's Ranma fics
are notable for having Takahashi characters in a Pratchett writing
style. There is, I believe, a consious emulation, and it really works.
Seamus: Hold up, Mike. I read the "Old Man an Kid" fics, an they
weren't a bit like Pratchett. Dunno wot they were remindin' me of,
but it t'weren't Pratchett.
Mike: Yes, that series does have a different tone to it. In fact,
except for a few stylistic problems that Trotter has, it's hard to
tell that they were written by the same person. A good sign, that: it
makes it clear that he's capable of writing in an original voice.
Seamus: What d'ya mean, "Stylistic problems" I like his stuff!
Mike: So do I. I was refering to Trotter's apparant case of
Hemingway Syndrome. He seems at times to have trouble with
sentance flow; makings thing sound, well, blocky. It's much less
pronounced now than it was in Rain Dance, and I've been unable to
spot it at all in some of the "Old Man" fics.
Typical Akane...she could never imagine nothing as a bad thing. She
had Ranma to ruin things for her. She didn't know the first thing about
messing up her own life. She would probably never know what it was like
to drive off the one person who mattered...
Giles: Nice bit of irony there.
"Sasuke...when did you become so wise?"
"As you say, Young Master, your true father has not returned. I am
charged with your up bringing until he does..."
"It has been a long time since you last called me Young Master."
"It has been a long time since I remembered my duty. I think we have
all been a little mad."
"Sasuke."
"Yes, Young Master?"
"I am glad to have you back."
Mike: Very touching piece of work there. Reminds me a bit of Foxx's
"When the Dream Dies", a Kuno-oriented sadfic.
Seamus: Hey, I read 'hat one! That bastard kills Akane inna car
accident! I hate 'hat fic!
Mike: Yeah, so do I. But I hated it for the funk it put me in, not the
writing quality. In one of the earlier fics, Trotter does a parody of
"When the...", so we can probably assume that it influenced this
scene.
"No I ... uh..."
"Kuno, your really acting different today. Are you sick or something?"
"Perhaps, but..."
"Well, Kuno, I can't stand around chatting all day. I've got to get
to class. Why don't we finish this conversation at lunch today? I'm
sure you'll think of some excuse as to why you were late by then."
Tatewaki stared after her as she slipped into the room...damn.
"Young Master Kuno."
Tatewaki spun toward the voice, Sasuke.
"I have discovered the where abouts of Nabiki Tendo."
"Sasuke, this perceptiveness of yours...where do you come by it?"
Seamus: *snort* Yah, like Kuno's one ta talk. Exactly how many
times has he been failin' ta pick up on the incredibly obvious fact
that Ranma's really his "Pig-tailed Goddess"?
Giles: (shocked) HE IS????
(Mahon empties the remainder of his whiskey over Giles's head.)
"Ranma! Your not going to tell the class how I caught you and Akane
making out are you?!"
Ranma spun around to stare at Nabiki, "What?! NO!!"
"RANMA!!!"
Ranma spun around to face Akane, she had a desk raised over her head.
That wouldn't have been nearly as scary if it weren't for the hapless
student who happened to be in the desk at the time.
"Wait Akane!"
"NO! I'M FINISHED WITH A PERVERT LIKE YOU!!!!"
Seamus: Hahah! Go Akane! Beat 'im ta a pulp!
Giles: Although Oi'm not sure why she's mad at Ranma.....Nabiki was
the one wot said it....
Seamus: Akane Tendo's Rule: If somethin' might happen ta be goin'
wrong, it's _always_ Ranma's fault.
Mike: Good point....Akane isn't exactly what you would call brilliant...
(Ominous rumble of thunder)
Mike: Well she isn't!
(The thunder rolls, and we hear the sound of a lightning bolt hitting
nearby.)
Mike: Okay, damnit, she's reasonably intelligent.
Mahon: Smart move.
"Fear not, I simply wish you to give a message to that fool Saotome."
"FOOL! I don't..."
"Tell him that I will personally kill him if he continues to treat
Akane like garbage."
"Huh?"
"Tell him that The Blue Thunder of Furinken High has spoken and he
has my permission to date Akane Tendo."
"Like I need..."
Kuno leaned so close that his lips were bare inches from hers...she
could feel his breath as he spoke in a near inaudible whisper...
"tell him that if i find him with any other women i will make him a judge
in a cook off between akane and my sister..."
Mahon: (pale) Damn.
Seamus: Now _that's_ a threat.
Giles: Yeah, but Oi think the Geneva Convention would prohibit it....
Mike: I find the pararells between this series and "Thy Inward Love"
to be rather facinating, especially since I don't think that Lawson
has read Aftermath.
Seamus: Ya mean the whole Nabiki an Kuno thing?
Mike: Sort of. For instance, it seems that in the above paragraph
Kuno is aware of Ranma's true identity, even if he never actually
comes out and says it. Much the same thing happened in TIL, although
Kuno actually came out and made the connection in that one. In any
case, the two series have much in common on the Kuno/Nabiki front,
including a softening of Nabiki's character, a reformed Kuno finally
confronting his demons, the parental connection, Kuno finally letting
go of Akane and Ranma-chan......the list goes on and on.
Seamus: 'Course, except fer that the two fics have damn near nothin'
in common.
"...or it could be Jinkoh."
"Who is Jinkoh?"
"She's my friend with the glasses and long ponytail."
"Oh...oh yeah, her....no I don't think so. It has to be someone of
some significance to the over all plot of the series."
"The author could just be using this to intro a new character you
know."
"Your right Akane, I never thought of that..."
Mike: (grinning) Nice tongue-in-cheek bit there.
able to douse them with their respective potions. Then while that nasty
Akane was running away from Ranma she would be free to make him her own!
Oh, she could just imagine his expression...
"Oh Kodachi, I...I never realized how perfect you are...your hair,
your eyes, your leotard, and matching shoes..."
"Ranma, my darling you are so bold."
"Kodachi, you are so sexy. Lets get married and then have great sex
for hours on end..."
(Mike, Giles and Mahon double over in hysterical laughter. Seamus
wipes at his eyes with a hankerchief.)
Seamus: (sniffling) Aww, that's so romantic....puts a lump in me
throat, it does...
words he wanted to say. He was even starting to sweat. Until this
moment she hadn't realized why it didn't make Akane mad when Ranma
couldn't find the words to say...her heart was pounding....she felt like
there were pins and needles all over her body....
"I ... I think I...I ....I need to go clean my room!"
Nabiki stared after Kuno...how could he...wow! What a great
butt...still he had just run off...Nabiki tried to concentrate on being
angry at Kuno for wimping out...but it was hard while visions of him
wearing sexy underwear that showed off that great ... Nabiki had a bad
feeling that this fanfic was going to become a lemon if she didn't hurry
up and . . .uh clean her room...
(All four laugh at this, looking slightly disappointed at the same
time....)
> Akane looked at Kodachi, "That was weird."
"That's not supposed to happen..."
"Eeep."
"Ranma?"
"Uhoh."
"What do you mean 'uhoh'?"
"Ummm..."
"Eeep."
"Well I'd better be going.."
"Ranma?"
Akane watched in horror as Ranma scampered over to a tree and then
scratched himself behind the ear...
"Why is Ranma acting like a .. .. uh?"
"Mouse?"
"What did you do to him!"
"Uh, that was, uh supposed to be a repellent..."
Mike: It'll be interesting to see how this affects Ranma's feelings
towards cats.
.
"What a cuuute leotard."
Kodachi almost screamed, how did those two get a cameo in this
fanfic? She was about to flee when she noticed Ranma scampering back
toward Akane...he still liked her even when he thought he was a mouse...
worse yet, he probably liked her better! Was there no justice in the
world??
"My dear," began Mikado, "I've been searching for you for what seems
like...GGAAAAHHH"
<RRRRIP!!!!!>
Akane spun back toward the sound, Kodachi was gone..Azusa Shiratori was
there with a leotard? Nah...couldn't be...Mikado was passed out on the
ground, blood pouring out his nose...that leotard did look awful
familiar...
"Diana! Diana!"
"Eeep?"
Akane turned back to Ranma, "Its a running gag, Ranma, lets go home,"
so much for a romantic ending to this fanfic...
(Mike, Giles, and Mahon howl with hysterical laughter, Seamus gazes
covetously at the leotard.)
Seamus: Boy....I wish I'd hadda oppornity ta trade for that when
Azusa was here....purely fer collectible reasons, ya understand...
(The others take a few moments to beat him senseless.)
Mike: So, we end with Ranma believing he's a mouse, Akane still
having, um, feelings for Kodachi, Nabiki and Kuno in a partly drug-
induced state of lust for each other, and Kodachi buck naked in the
middle of Nerima...please stop drooling on the seats, Seamus...yes,
I'd say this calls for a sequel.
Giles: As opposed to the average fanfic?
Mike: Well, yes, but I was refering to the fact that we've been left
hanging. Which is fine, provided that the next bit is finished
sometime within the next geological epoch.
Seamus: Aww, the ML's glutted wit Ranma fics....I wanna see more
"Old Man an Kid"!
Mike: There is indeed a preponderance of Ranma literature....
Giles: Nice Windir impression.
Mike: Gah! Sorry. There's a whole sh-tload of Ranma fics....
Mahon: Better.
Mike: ...thank you, for a number of reasons. First of all, it's a fun
series to write for, with interesting and dynamic characters that
you can twist in any way you want. Second, nearly everyone's seen
Ranma, and thus you have a large audience, which means more C&C.
Finally, you mostly avoid the "series hate" syndrome. For example, I
wouldn't read a Sailor Moon fic if my best friend wrote it. Nor do I
give C&C for them, because (A) I'd have to read them to do that, and
(B) I don't like to flame.
Giles: And your point is...?
Mike: Even with the glut, I'd like to see more of this soon.
Mahon: Credits.
Cast appearing as:
Lord Zed..................Ranma Saotome
Smoky T. Bear.............Genma Saotome
Reta......................Akane Tendo
Whinny T. Pooh............Soun Tendo
Putty 1...................Nabiki Tendo
Sailor Moon...............Kasumi Tendo
Big Bird..................Azusa Shiratori
Mr. Snufulufagous.........Mikado Sanzenin
Yogi Bear.................Tatewaki Kuno
Oscar T. Grouch...........Kodachi Kuno
Godzilla..................Happosi
The Smurfs................Spot the Wonder Dog
The Autobots..............Fifth Period Girls Gym Class
Lynn Minmei...............Priss
Everyone I forgot.........Crowd in scene 7a
Rob Orick.................IRC-aholic 1-7 & 11
Antisocial Behavior.......Sarcasm
Penellope Pitstop.........Fellowship
Alf.......................Emotion
Neil......................Despair
Commander Keen............Duke Nukem
Death.....................Hikaro Gosunkugi
Plague....................Dr. Tofu
Pestilence................Morphine
Red Ranger................Satan
(The Rats stare in befuddlement at the screen.)
Giles: Oi think he needs a new casting director.
"Ranma Sweetums," queried the bush, "A..Akane? Brother Dear?
Anyone?"
Cursing quietly, the bush up rooted itself and snuck across the
street. Mumbling faintly it made its way up the street until it bumped
into a mailbox going the other way.
"Excuse me," said the bush.
"My fault," replied the mailbox.
Mahon: (Snickering) Tsubasa cameo.
Mike: Yup. An amusing and nicely surreal note to end on.
Seamus: (standing up) Okay lads, 'hat's the fic.
Giles: (also standing) Cor, that was fun. We gotta do this again
sometime...
Voice: (loudly) I think not.
(The Rats turn. Windir stands in the doorway, his face a mask of cold
rage. Behind him is a rather shell-shocked looking Frito, babbling
something about ribbons and kitties and lace.)
Windir: (icy, controlled voice) I.....have seen Hell, and it is a
boudoir.....it put BOWS on me.....pink ones....with lace ruffles...
Giles: Sounds kawaii to me...
Windir (in a voice that makes glaciers look warm) Don't tell me
about kawaii, you illiterate vermin.....I think you may have scarred
my associate for life.....
Seamus: I don't think anyone'll notice.
Mike: Look, can't we talk this over?
Windir: No.
(He turns to look behind him, and snaps his fingers. Nabiki walks in,
followed by a pair of gorillas. No, I mean it. *Real* gorillas.)
Nabiki: These the ones?
(Windir nods.)
Nabiki: All right. <Nods in return, then looks over at the Rats.> Now,
gentleman, you've been sold to Mr. Larson for a while. Something about
inspiration during the hiatus. Now, come along quietly, and no one gets
hurt.
Giles: (backing away) Oh no you don't.....Oi seen wot happens to blokes on
the Far Side....if the alligators don't get them, the hausfraus do....
Mike: (also backpedaling) You'll never take us alive...
Seamus: Well, sober, anyways....
Nabiki: Now, now, gentlemen, no need to be that way about it. <Motions to
the gorillas> They're all yours.
(The gorillas advance.)
Mahon: Run?
Mike: Good idea.
(They do. Curtain.)
-------------------------------------
Today's picture, "Aftermath", by Matt Trotter.
Review by Mike Loader
Ranma 1/2 and attendant characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi.
Windir and Frito appear courtesy of Travis Butler
The Institut Rats are copyright 1993 by Mike Loader and Mad Wombat Ent.
Fnord.