[Since no one I've talked to seems to have seen this, I'm re-sending; 
apologies to anyone if they've already seen it.]

-------------------------

As the curtains open in the theatre, we see Frito and Lyra playing cards. 
Windir is sitting to one side, looking on with almost smug anticipation; 
Lyra keeps shooting suspicious looks at him.

Lyra: And *this* is how you play poker?

Frito: Uh-huh. <Grins nastily, and lays down his cards.> I got a full 
house. What you got, suc-ker?

Lyra: <Woebegone look> Oh, dear. <Lays down her cards.> All I've got is a 
pair of ones... oh, and another pair of ones.

Frito facefaults.

Lyra: My, my. Is that good? <Grins wickedly>

Frito sighs disgustedly, and pushes a stack of chips over to Lyra. Windir 
looks faintly disappointed. 

Frito: Ya know, it took Windy *three weeks* to catch on?

Windir: Ahem. There's no need to go over ancient history, is there? We 
have more important things to do.

Lyra: Such as?

[Editor's note: Such as your next review?]

Bubblegum Warners
=================
Silly Story by Sapphire, The Blue Tigress

DISCLAIMERS:
Bubblegum Crisis characters and sets belong to whoever owns them.
Animaniacs characters belong to Warner Bros.
If any of these people want to sue me, they can have my debts... I'm 
  broke ;P

Frito: Awww.

[Editor's note: Believe me, I know *exactly* how she feels. <Sigh>]

*PROLOGUE*

[At Genom Experimental Buma Laboratory, a lone scientist works on new 
applications for bumas.]

Scientist [drinking a can of BAKA Pepper] :  Maybe some pets or playmates 
         for children?  How about a dog or a cat buma?  No more buying pet 
         food, no more cleaning up after it, and no more paying 
         veterinary bills.  It can even act as a bodyguard.

Lyra: I hate to say it, but I think the prologue stretches on just a 
little too long. It'd be funnier if it were tightened up a bit.

Frito: Yeah! Where'd those attakin' troops come from? They pop up outa 
nowhere, zap the lab, and poof out again! 

Windir: Indeed. The whole raison d'etre of the prologue is that the 
Warners are created through a glitch in the Genom manufacturing plant; 
there's no need to expand it beyond the minimum necessary to establish 
that fact, unless it is truly funny. And sadly, this is not, In My Humble 
Opinion.

Frito sticks out his tongue and looks cross-eyed at Windir.

Windir: <Resolutely ignoring the interruption> And, as you say, the 
troopers are confusing, and their appearance does not even adhere to the 
minimal level of sense present in the original story.

Lyra: Hmmm... the idea is to startle the tech, so he glitches the 
computer, and also drive everyone out of the lab, right? Why not just 
have a reactor accident, or something like that? It could even contribute 
to the computer glitch.

[Cue theme music.]

It's time for Bumamaniacs           
And we're souped up to the max      
So just stay back, run and hide        
You'll scream till you are fried     
We're Bumamaniacs                   

Come join the Warner Brothers       
And the Warner sister Dot           
Just for fun we run round           
  MegaTokyo alot                   
We're locked in Genom Tower      
  whenever we get caught            
But we break loose...            
And then vamoose...                 
And now you know the plot           

Lyra: Cute!

Windir: The meter limps at points, but that's to be expected when one 
is... <grimaces slightly> filking.

Frito: Hey, *I* like it!

Windir: As I said.

Mackie spies on Sylia, while
  Priss sings a verse              

Lyra: Perhaps "Priss-'ll sing a verse?" Scans a bit better.

Yakko:  Exsqueeze me, is this the way to Six Flags Over Flushing?

[Yakko points on the map.  The buma shoots a laser through the map, 
setting it on fire.  The fire quickly turns the map to ashes which hold 
the map-shape for a second, then crumbles in Yakko's hands.]

Windir: <Smiling> A classic bit, truly worthy of Warner Bros.' golden age.

[While the buma stands there processing this very cute request through 
his CPU, 

Frito: Hey, can ya say that differently? It sounds kinda clunky.

Wakko pulls out some water guns from his gag bag and he and 
Yakko replace the buma's lasers with them.  The buma fires, but instead 
of a laser, water shoots out.]

Wakko (yells):  Oooo!  A waterfight!

[Wakko is suddenly dressed in a yellow fireman's jacket and red helmet.  
He aims a very _large_ hose at the buma and the scene pans back to 
include Yakko in the driver's seat of a red firetruck and Dot turning on 
the water.  Both are dressed as firefighters.  The water explodes out of 
the hose and knocks the buma into an electrical line.  Arcs of 
electricity play over the buma's body; then the buma drops down onto the 
street.  The Warners crowd around the buma.]

Lyra: It's really hard to criticize so many of these bits; they mimic the 
originals so well, even if the originals weren't always my favorite 
parts. Like this bit.

Yakko:  Operation!

[The scene shifts to a hospital operating room.  The Warners are dressed 
in blue scrubs with a little tiger face on the pockets.  Wakko and Yakko 
are standing on both sides of the buma lying on the operating table.  Dot is 
standing next to a small rolling cart with lots of sharp, pointy 
instruments laid out on it.]

Yakko (holding out his hand to Dot):  Scalpel!

[Dot hands it to him.  Yakko works on the buma.]

Wakko:  Sponge!

Lyra: Now, this one, I like!

Windir: Odd. I would have thought... er, that is to say, your arm... 
<Shoots an embarrassed look at her prosthetic left arm>

Lyra looks stricken for a moment, before smiling viciously. 

Lyra: Why else do you think I like to see 'em made fun of?

[Dot hands a sponge to Wakko.  Wakko sticks the sponge in.  The operation 
continues for a bit with Wakko and Yakko calling out for objects like a 
hose, a clamp, a duck, et cetera, et cetera, and Dot handing the items to 
them.  Finally, they're finished.  The Warners step back and untie their 
face masks.]

Windir: I would have preferred a little less summary here.

Lyra: More show, less tell?

Frito: Yeah, but ain't that gonna drag out the story?

Windir: It would almost certainly add to the word count. But such things 
are often less important than the "flow" of the story, to use a rather 
imprecise term; and indeed, I believe that this scene would actually 
"flow" with greater felicity, not to say read faster, if it were acted 
out instead of presented in a summary block.

Lyra: Or summary "lump". <Grins wryly>

Frito: Weren't ya sayin' at the start that she should cut down on da 
stuff?

Lyra: "Tightened up," Frito, not cut down.

Windir: Indeed. A story should attempt to spend most of its time in the 
areas where it is "at home," so to speak. In this case, the strengths of 
this story are the madcap antics of the Warners, and their humorous 
juxtaposition with the normally serious and dark BGC universe. Therefore, 
the story should spend the most time in the parts that contribute this to 
the story -- such as the antics of the surgery scene -- and less time in 
the areas that do not, such as the prologue. For that matter, examine the 
Warners' real origin story. It *is* told in a narratorial style, but with 
emphasis on how they affected the studio and not on their actual creation.

Frito sticks out his tongue at Windir... again. Lyra rolls her eyes, but 
nods in reluctant agreement.

Lyra: He's right, you know. <Sigh> Hmmm... speaking of narratorial voice, 
perhaps the prologue would work better if there were an actual narrator? 
Like that part in the origin story?

[A click is heard and the video screen goes blank.  Pan out to the rest 
of Quincy's office.]

Quincy (looking at Mason):  I want those Warner kids captured and analyzed.  
       I also want to know where they came from.  Their strange 
       abilities of matter materialization and of reprogramming a buma 
       so quickly would be useful to Genom.

Frito: Clunk! Clunk! Clunk!

Lyra: It *does* sound like Windir, doesn't it? <Grins mischievously at 
him>

Windir: Ahem.

[Night. ADP Headquarters. Chief Plotz's office. The Chief and Leon are 
arguing as usual.]

Plotz: ...This report shows that every time you go after bumas,
      thousands of yen are lost on equipment! The higher-ups are giving me 
      hell about it and now I'm giving YOU (points to Leon) hell!...

Leon (interrupting): If those damn bureaucrats would give me the latest 
    upgraded equipment instead of all these outdated and outgunned JUNK, I 
    could do a lot more and a lot better...

[Their argument is interrupted by Daley rushing into the office and 
dragging Leon out.]

Lyra: Hmmm. Advances the story?

Windir: Although it is not the heart of the story per se, it does 
establish the BGC universe in a concrete fashion, and hence is probably 
necessary to the plot.

Daley: Sorry, Chief, three bumas have gone rogue and are destroying 
      downtown MegaTokyo!

Frito: Yeah, like what else is new? Tell us somethin' we *don't* know!

Lyra: It is a bit redundant.

[Leon turns around at the sound of Wakko's voice.]

Leon (surprised): What are these kids doing here? Someone get them out 
    of here! This is a _combat_ zone!

Dot (jumping into Leon's arms with hearts in her eyes): Hellooooo Policeman 
   Nurse!!!

Lyra: I was waiting for this. <Smiles and leans back in her chair.>

[A laser blast comes really close to Wakko and he reaches out, grabs it, 
and eats it.]

Wakko (rubbing his tummy): *BURP* Needs salt. It's a little light.

Frito: GROAN!

Lyra: <Mock-sternly> That wasn't punny, Frito.

Windir: <Moans quietly, then slides down into his seat>

[Off screen a voice shouts]: Knight Sabers, GO!

[The camera pans to a nearby rooftop where four suited figures pose then 
jump down to street level to battle the bumas.]

Wakko & Yakko: Helloooo Armor-suited Nurses!!!

[The Warner brothers drop their popcorn and rush into the battle zone, 
trying to get closer to the Knight Sabers.]

[For once, Dot doesn't say anything about her brothers, being too busy 
herself, glomped onto Leon. Leon doesn't even notice the boys running off 
since _he's_ busy trying to get Dot off him.]

Daley (seeing the boys run toward the bumas): Hey! Come back here! 
     You'll get hurt over there! (runs after the Warner brothers)

Lyra: Perfect! I can just imagine this...

[The camera pans over to Sylia and Nene battling a buma. The brothers run 
on-screen and up to them, easily dodging, or in Wakko's case, eating laser 
blasts and concrete blocks and anything else thrown at them.]

Frito: What about dis summary?

Windir: In this case, I believe it is the reasonable thing to do; there 
is no good way to break this down into discrete actions and dialog... not 
to mention this is a pull-back action shot, and not a tight character 
back-and-forth shot.

Wakko & Yakko (giving each other high fives):  All right! 'WAR'!!! 

[The brothers wriggle out of Nene's arms and run off. Nene looks around 
for them. The camera pans to Wakko dressed as a private. Yakko walks 
on-screen dressed as a general and stands behind a podium.]

Windir: I think the difficulty with the Patton speech is that it comes 
across as *too* serious; the irony or exaggeration you'd hear in the 
vocal tones, to offset the seriousness of the words themselves, is 
missing in this medium. 

Yakko: Now I want you to remember that no toon ever won a laugh by being
      boring.  You won it by making a poor dumb sucker blow up or get
      flattened.

Lyra: Like this, for example? 

Windir: Exactly. Saying "blow up or get flattened" comes entirely too 
close to "real" war, and does not really fit the light tone of the story.

Frito: Ain't they traditional parts of cartoons?

Lyra: Yes, but here we don't have Slappy to explain about Bumbi's Mom.

Windir: I'm afraid I don't catch the reference.

Lyra: See the cartoon by the same name.

      My God, I actually pity those poor suckers we're going up
      against. My God, I do. We're not just going to shoot them,
      we're going to anvil them flat and use them as the treads of our
      tanks. 

Frito: Uh, yeah... I guess this does sound too real violent, not fake 
violent.

Lyra: I'd substitute some sillier reference myself -- "anvil them flat 
and use them for frisbees," for example.

Yakko: Now there's another thing I want you to remember. I don't want to
      get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We're not
      holding anything, unless it's Hello Nurse. (pulls Hello Nurse
      on-screen and grins) We are anvilling constantly, and we're not
      interested in holding onto anything except the girl. (jumps into
      Hello Nurse's arms)

Lyra: Is she actually *named* Hello Nurse? I always thought of her as 
just the Nurse.

[Nene spots them and scoops them up into her arms.  She takes them to 
Leon who still has Dot in his arms. By now, she's making wedding plans.]

Dot (holding up a picture of a white wedding gown with pink bows): This 
   will look perfect on me! Don't you think so, hon? The wedding will be so 
   beautiful; I can't _wait_! (shrieks in excitement)

Nene (trying not to laugh):  It seems you're the babysitter, Inspector 
    McNichols. Here are two more charges for you.

Lyra: Again, this is *perfect*!

Leon (looking very upset at the crying): Awww, I didn't mean that...don't 
    cry!...We'll play a game, OK?

[Leon obviously doesn't know the first thing about children.]

Frito: Like dis is news? <Sniggers evilly>

Dot (looking up brightly with no sign of tears on her face):  Really?

Leon (knowing he's been set up, starts backpedalling furiously):  Ummm....
    Ahhh... We'll take you kids to the amusement park AFTER the bumas 
    have been dealt with.

Nene:  Sure! There'll be lots of rides and games to play there.

Yakko:  It's a deal! (sticks out his hand to Leon)

Lyra: Oops.

Frito: You'll be SOR-RY... 

[Leon solemnly takes his hand and shakes it. The Warners cheer loudly, 
causing the three rogues to turn and come their way.]

Nene (trying to herd them away):  You kids get out of the way! 

Yakko: Ehhhh, I don't think so. You take too long and we want to play. 
      (turns toward his siblings) Ready, sibs?

Dot & Wakko:  Ready!

[The three rogues rush up, firing wildly at everything but missing Leon, 
Nene, and the Warners completely. The Warner trio calmly wait until the 
rogue bumas are very close, then all three pull out mallets and WHAM the 
rogues flat as pancakes. Leon and Nene look on in shock.]

Dot:  _Now_ we can go to the amusement park! Yay!!!

[Wakko reaches down to the bottom left corner of the screen and peels off 
the street scene to reveal daytime at the amusement park. Leon, Daley, all 
four Knight Sabers, and the Warners are all riding the merry-go-round. 
Sounds of laughter, fun, and tinny amusement park music fill the air.]

[Fadeout.]

Lyra: I hate repeating myself... but, Ghu, I can't help it. Perfect. 
*Again.* <Grimaces slightly, then smiles wryly> I love it!

Windir shakes his head, with a small smile. Frito brings up a handful of 
confetti.

Frito: Huzzah! <Throws the confetti up in the air>

*CHAPTER 3*

[Inside a nightclub called "Hot Legs". Priss and the Replicants are 

Windir: There should be a comma after "Hot Legs."

performing. Three little kids run through the mob at the door. The 
bouncer yells and tries to catch them.]

Ralph (in a stupid voice): Duh... Come back here, youse kids! Youse not 
        allowed in here!

[Ralph pushes through the crowded doorway and stands in front of the mob 
looking around. He is an overweight, bald man with a permanent 5 o'clock 
shadow wearing blue jeans, a grubby white t-shirt, and a red bandanna on 
his head.]

Ralph: Duh... where are youse kids?

Frito: I ain't sure what ta say about this chapter either; there ain't 
much ta criticize, 'cause it all could go right into the show without 
anyone noticin'. It's *good*!

Lyra: Well, mostly. <Smiles> This scene with the bouncer was a good match 
for the original, but it wasn't that funny.

[Camera pans over the crowded tables and Minerva Mink on the dance floor
to the Warners approaching the stage. The Warner Brothers see Priss.]

Wakko & Yakko (ears flapping, tails wagging): Hellloooooo Rock Star Nurse!!!

[Wakko and Yakko's tongues hang out as they stare.]

Dot (bored look on her face): Boys, go fig!

Lyra: Exactly. <Grins wickedly at Windir and Frito's uncomfortable looks>

[Nene and Linna, sitting at a corner table, had seen the antics of the 
Warners and are laughing at Priss.]

Nene (giggling): Did you see Priss's face when those two kids jumped into 
    her arms?

Linna (also giggling): And when the little girl took over the microphone?

Nene: Aren't those the kids who defeated those three rogue bumas the 
     other day?

Lyra: You think they'd *know* that they were! Getting involved with them 
isn't something you're likely to forget.

Windir: Dear Ghu, no. <Shudders>

Frito: Hmmm... ya know, dis is a great chance for some gags about their 
secret identities... can ya imagine them tryin' ta persuade the Warners 
to keep quiet about it?

[Yakko and Wakko join Dot on the table and fall to their knees and clasp 
their hands in front of them.]

Warners: Oh, pleeeaaassee????  We're really easy to take care of.  Watch!

[Dot stands up and pulls out a pink watering can.]

Dot (pouring water over Wakko): Just add water and watch us grow!

[Wakko's fur starts growing until he looks like a huge furry beachball 
with a face.]

Dot (pointing at Wakko): See?  Just like a chia-pet!

Yakko (pulling out a little hand-mower): And if it's too big, all you 
     have to do is mow it.

[Yakko jumps on Wakko and a large cloud of flying fur covers the two.  
When the cloud disappears, Wakko looks as he did before Dot watered him.]

Frito: Bwa-ha-hahahahaha!

Lyra bends over, chuckling. Windir tries desperately to keep a straight 
face, but finally gives up and smiles.

[The Warners cheer and start running and jumping around in celebration.]

Linna (whispers to Nene): And maybe you can discover more about these 
     strange children and how they do all these tricks.

[Nene nods in agreement.]

Frito: Clunk!

Lyra: It's a sensible idea, but that sentence drags by comparison with 
the rest of the dialog.

Nene (thinks back to last night): Those kids sure are amazing!

Windir: A bit obvious, here.

Frito: So what would ya say instead?

Windir: Something less chiched, to be sure.

Nene (sighing and crossing her arms): All right...

Windir: Quite appropriate, I am sure. After all, there is only so much 
one can take.

[Wakko grins.]

Nene: ...but only if you change everything back!

Warners: But you _said_...

Nene (starts tapping her foot): Change it _back_!

Warners (heave a big sigh): Okkay.

[The trio turn sad faces to the apartment behind them.  

Frito: Awwww! Poor guys.

Windir: Yes, undoubtedly you would get along quite well with them.

They run in and 
are soon obscured by another dust cloud.  When the dust settles, the 
apartment looks as before and the Warners are standing in the middle of 
the room looking at Nene.]

Lyra: I've got to agree with the poster who suggested she ask to keep the 
apartment the same size. <Gets a wistful look> An apartment the size of 
an amusement park...

Frito: Are ya still moonin' over that transdimensional engineering course?

[End of Flashback with the cool ripple effect again.]

[ADP Headquarters.  Nene is just sitting down at her desk when the 
Warners pop out of the drawers.]

Warners: Helloooo Police Nurse! (give Nene a big kiss)

Nene (startled): AAAHHHHH!!!!!! (falls backwards in her chair)

[Everyone in the office looks over at Nene and the kids.  Dot spots Leon 
and goes after him.]

Leon (seeing Dot run towards him):  AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (runs out the door 
    with Dot on his heels, literally)

Frito: Ooooo-weee, baby, a whole lotta screamin' goin' on!

Windir: <Pained look> Frito, *must* you?

Frito: Thankyu! Thankyu very much.

Lyra: Boot to the head!

Frito: <THUD> Owwwww! <CRASH... Tinkle>

Lyra: Ladies and Gentlemen, Frito has left the building.

Plotz: Officer Romanova! Take these children home!

Nene: But, Sir! They _have_ no home!

Plotz: Well, just take them to Flamiel's then!

Nene: Um, Social Services was destroyed in a buma attack a few days ago. 
     They're still rebuilding and Miss Flamiel is on vacation. 

Plotz (turning even redder than he normally does): Then take them to the
     park! To the zoo! Anywhere! Just get them out of HERE! 

Windir: A surprisingly consistent reaction.

Nene: Yes, Sir! (salutes and then turns to the Warners) Let's go, kids!

[As Nene herds the Warners out of ADP Headquarters, Leon comes out from 
under his desk.]

Leon (whispers to Daley): Are they gone?

[Dot pops out of a drawer and kisses Leon.]

Dot (pinching Leon's cheek): Only for a while, Cutie. I'll be back before
   you know it! (disappears)

Lyra: I'm not sure why, but this doesn't seem right somehow.

[Leon puts his face in his hands and groans.  Daley just laughs.]

[Fadeout.]

Windir: Well? <Looks expectant>

Lyra: Well?

Frito: Well well!

Lyra: Deep and full of water.

Windir groans and shakes his head.

Windir: I was *hoping* for some comments on the story.

Lyra: Oh, that!

Windir: <Gritting teeth> Yes, *that*.

Lyra: It was good.

Windir starts banging his head, very slowly, against the nearest wall.

Lyra: All right, all right! <Reaches out to stop Windir> I thought the 
story did an excellent job of capturing the feel of Anamaniacs, slipping 
in only a few places, and was very funny. 

Frito: Yeah, now I wanna know where the author's goin' from here!



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...Cats are the proof of a higher purpose to the universe.